Son's friend always outstays his welcome

[meganjol]

Tricky situation, looking for suggestions on how to manage it.
My son (aged 9) has a school friend who comes over to our house a couple of times per week (usually weekday evenings) and totally outstays his welcome each time. As soon as he arrives, he asks for something to eat so I end up giving him snacks. Never meals, I live on a strict budget and can't afford to feed another mouth tbh. Let's say I offer him a couple of biscuits, he'll then go in the kitchen to get more from the packet and says "Megan, you don't mind do you?" (when they're already in his hand).
I have a busy schedule on weekday evenings with cooking, homework and also an activity that my other child does.
This boy seems to stay for 2 or 3 hours at a time, his mum never comes to collect him. So, invariably, I end up walking him home in the dark. This means I have to take my own kids out in the dark, in all weathers. Middle of winter. To make the 10 mins walk back to his house. I can't feel ok about leaving him to walk home alone as I'd never forgive myself if anything happened to him (crossing a busy main road), as well as the other dangers of a young kid walking alone in the dark.
I'm starting to get really fed up of him coming over as I know it's never just a quick visit and will invariably involve me having to sacrifice any evening plans. His mum has 2 younger children (including a young baby), so I understand she might have a hands full but I'm starting to feel used for free childcare. I've even suggested to my son that we just pretend to be out when he comes over, but my son always wants to look who's at the door.
How can I deal with this without falling out with the other mum?

Sorry, typos - 'bear in mind your son may actually want this.'

I eventually broke down and told my mother that Friendy Wendy was too much for me, so next time FW came round, my mother said 'Not tonight, we're busy' and shut the door. Simple as that. I was sooo relieved!

But I had to say to FW 'Mums, eh, what are they like'... and pretend it had been enforced on me...

Exactly. A 9-year-old shouldn't get to override his mother in 'wanting to see who's at the door'. Tell him a firm no to answering/checking the door. The other kid will soon get fed up of turning up to an 'empty' house. It's a shame though tbh, doesn't sound like the visiting kid is getting much care at home, but sadly that's not your problem.

I agree with everyone else's posts regarding this 9 yr old boy, personally I would feel immediately responsible for the boy the second he rang the doorbell,your involved,a responsible adult,until he is in the company of his parent.so it's difficult,as you need peace of mind that that child is safe.you need to go speak to his Mum,make it quite clear he is too young to be wandering the streets,even if coming to your door,and you have other commitments,if it carries on, speak to her again but tell her the authorities will be informed if he keeps appearing at your door,as you cannot take responsibility for her son's safety.good luck.

I'd pick the best night when you aren't quite as busy and get son to invite him over that night because you will be too busy any other night that week.

This is what you should do.

YANBU
However, this kid obviously doesn't want to go home. No criticism on you, but I'd be wondering why? Maybe a bit of an informal chat with his mum is in order. In the meantime, if it's only a 10 minute walk, I don't see why he can't do it on his own.

You are an adult but you are being outfoxed by 2 nine-year old kids!

Call mum and say he can’t come this week to give you some breathing space.

If he knocks, say you have guests.

Then tell your son that if his friend knocks from now on, he’ll be sent back home.

Grow a spine for crying out loud.

You have become unpaid childcare for the other parents.

Is your home this boys safe place? Do you know if he / things at home are ok. If you’re suspicious or if you think it may not be ok for him to be at home, then I’d not stop him for now.

if all is well with the boy and his parents just want him looked after, I’d either;

1. reduce the number of visits and say, ‘not today I’m afraid, I’m really busy with work stuff. Another time’.
2. tell the other parents to collect their son after an hour or so.
3. drop him off after an hour or so.

This boy is making his own way to your house therefore he can make his own way home. I wouldn’t be taking him.
I would also hide the biscuits and tell him no snacks.
Id have no issue telling him he needed to leave after an hour either. But ultimately if you don’t want him there at all tell your son you’re not having guests tonight and tell the boy. ‘Not tonight. We’re busy’ and close the door

Just open the door and say "sorry, we are busy tonight" and close the door.

We had this with my daughters friend and her brother who kept coming over daily during the summer holidays uninvited (they lived round the corner). There weren’t any safeguarding issues in that case, parents worked from home and I think realised they were onto a good thing with me. In the end I had to start being very abrupt and saying they couldn’t come in and not to come round without their parents messaging to check it was ok first. It was hard as my daughter wanted them in but I couldn’t manage looking after four kids all day every day and they were eating me out of house and home. It worked but it did take quite afew times of me not letting them in for them to stop trying.

Sounds like a kid who is neglected by his parents. I've come to realise that some parents just don't give a s* about the welfare of their kids. I bet if you said something to his mum it would change nothing.

I’d answer the door and say ‘Hi Jack, sorry not today. We have to nip to the doctors in a minute, and tomorrow I’m working late. How about we see you next Wednesday? Cheerio Jack, see you next week’.

If your son questions it or sees you turn his friend away I’d just be honest and say ‘Look, he’s a lovely boy, but I can’t have him round every night. I’m tired and it’s costing me a fortune in biscuits! Ha’. My 9 year old would accept that.

I’d just try and scale it back a bit. But I wouldn’t walk him back. I’d send him home before it gets dark. Have him gone by 5pm

If you think he's being neglected, make your house boring, bananas or nothing for snack, no TV or computer games etc. See if he still comes round.

My thoughts too. There are so many glaring red flags. I think your advice is spot on

Maybe he is just really good friends with your son and they enjoy each others company? I think it sounds like quite a good friendship. Obvs it could be neglect/safeguarding/abuse etc or it could just be two kids who hang out and he is really comfortable in your home. It is your house though so you need to let him know your boundaries.

Teaching your kid it's okay to lie and also the very real risk that your kid tells them it's a lie? Just be honest.

Perhaps if OP updated/responded to some of the queries here it would be easier to judge if it’s really a safeguarding issue or a mother who is taking advantage.

If he’s walking home from school with you I’d imagine at 9 he thinks it’s an open invite. You say you don’t offer him meals but is he asking for them? Most kids will want snacks and who doesn’t want to eat a packet of biscuits once you start.

Why are you hesitant to speak to his mother/parents?

My Mum always welcomed all of my and my 4 sisters friends. My Mum was a professional housewife. She cooked every meal from scratch. She baked pastry every Tuesday and cakes on Fridays. She also made cakes for every Brownies, Guides, school fayre any of us had. She listened to readers in primary school 2 mornings a week and if my sisters or I went anywhere with a packed lunch she always packed extra in case anyone might still be hungry after eating their lunch. One of my friends came home with me every day after school until her Mum got home from work. She spends most of the school.holidays at our house. Mum never minded and fed anyone who was there. She enjoyed and took pride in housework and ironed everything. The thing is though this was many years ago. The days of housewives like these are surely over now when both parents work at least part time and often both full time and just don't have the time for this type of lifestyle. When Mum died 11 years ago but it was lovely to see so many of our childhood friends come to her funeral. The church was packed with people who said Mum had made their childhoods happier. I know some of our friends used to pop in to see her when they came home from Uni. I think parents like this were more common 40-50 years ago.

At least ask her for a contribution for the cost of food, but you also need to speak to her about picking him up. If you don't get sensible, caring answers then maybe you need to speak to the school.

Get a ring door bell best things ever or simply tell him sorry not today.

Poor kid. Obviously YANBU to be pissed off OP - maybe you could say to him he can come on Tuesdays or whatever but you're busy the other evenings and won't be home? (And then don't answer the door).

I'm a bolshy cow though and would be having a word with his mum as to why she thinks this is acceptable.

I’d report to school. I was a neglected child and often trying to escape abuse at home and I was just like this child. Something is not ok here at all. Child asking for food, requesting more, parents presumably have no idea where he is and are happy for him to be risk taking walking home. Alarm bells should have been going off OP! I also cannot imagine not feeding a child like this.