Son's friend always outstays his welcome

[meganjol]

Tricky situation, looking for suggestions on how to manage it.
My son (aged 9) has a school friend who comes over to our house a couple of times per week (usually weekday evenings) and totally outstays his welcome each time. As soon as he arrives, he asks for something to eat so I end up giving him snacks. Never meals, I live on a strict budget and can't afford to feed another mouth tbh. Let's say I offer him a couple of biscuits, he'll then go in the kitchen to get more from the packet and says "Megan, you don't mind do you?" (when they're already in his hand).
I have a busy schedule on weekday evenings with cooking, homework and also an activity that my other child does.
This boy seems to stay for 2 or 3 hours at a time, his mum never comes to collect him. So, invariably, I end up walking him home in the dark. This means I have to take my own kids out in the dark, in all weathers. Middle of winter. To make the 10 mins walk back to his house. I can't feel ok about leaving him to walk home alone as I'd never forgive myself if anything happened to him (crossing a busy main road), as well as the other dangers of a young kid walking alone in the dark.
I'm starting to get really fed up of him coming over as I know it's never just a quick visit and will invariably involve me having to sacrifice any evening plans. His mum has 2 younger children (including a young baby), so I understand she might have a hands full but I'm starting to feel used for free childcare. I've even suggested to my son that we just pretend to be out when he comes over, but my son always wants to look who's at the door.
How can I deal with this without falling out with the other mum?

Yes. I'm 75 and my son's friends always called me by first name. They were well mannered and nice, why not? I didn't want to be called, "Auntie", and Mrs.LBF was a bit formal. I knew them all pretty well - still do some of them. Son called their parents by first name too. Other adults were Mr/Mrs but not friends.

I also fed them if they were at my house, no way would I have served dinner for us and left them out.

I would actually be quite concerned here. He is 9 years old. Who lets their 9 yesr old pop out 2-3 hours 2 nights a week and sort themselves coming back, without engaging the other parent.

I think that’s really neglectful at the age of 9.

Is he being cared for properly? His welfare comes first. This needs to be addressed with the parent.

Oh give over. He’s 9, not 30.

There’s a similar older thread children were then 8.

Same pattern, lots of people asking questions, highlighting safeguarding. OP never returns/updates. This feels like an update/rehash.

6 pages of responses - not even an acknowledgment.

When I was a kid I had a friend who would do this. We lived in a not great area at the time, and mum was nothing but kind to him. Looking back I expect she probably realised that he didn’t want to to go home, which certainly didn’t occur to me as a child.

You're so nice! My best friend did this when I was a teenager and my dad gave her a warning - no more friends this week (tbf to her and her mum, I kept inviting her over), she turned up the next day and just said no and shut the door in her face and called her mum (who, in 90s style went "I knew you'd outstay your welcome" rather than questioning why her 13 year old was sat on a wall in the rain.
It's weird at 9 though, my son is 9 and all playdates are arranged via mums, nobody just rocks up. I'd tell him next time "you can only stay an hour today, and then you can only come over on (pick a day that works for you)" and text his mum the same, saying you've hobbies and activities and homework to fit in. I'd worry that she has no idea he's been doing this and she let's him just wander the streets in the dark, bit odd and might be worth keeping an eye out for anything you need to discuss with school etc (e.g. if he mentions its his mum telling him to go out, or if mum doesn't know where he is and doesn't care)

For starters just say no we don't have snacks in this house. But if you feel poor lad is starving offer bread and butter. And you need to speak to mum. It's not his fault. He doesn't know what time he should leave. Make it very clear to mum that she can't just send him round without checking you will be in and free first. Also ask when your boy is invited back

Before I opened the thread I thought you were going to say your son and his friend were 19/20!

Hes 9. If he knocks on, tell him no sorry we’re not doing play dates tonight.

If he asks for snacks, give him one and then if he asks for more tell him if he’s hungry maybe he should go back home for his dinner.

If he takes food without asking tell him that in this house we ask before we take food or that you’ve already said no so can he put them back.

Send him home before it gets dark and let him walk himself.

It’s your house. He’s a child and you’re an adult. Set boundaries.

living in a place where kids still call for each other and have local friends within safe walking distance - this is something most people actually aspire to! 2-3 hours is a decent length of time for play, and the 'walking home in the dark' - it's January, and dark by about 5pm, unless it's a weekend you'd be walking home from nearly anywhere in the dark!

Most people on this site will have grown up doing the same thing! No harm in seeing your friends and playing most days, if you're sick of it being at your house, then tell your son that he won't be able to have anyone round to play today, and then have him answer the door and tell his friend he's not allowed anyone to play today. Or do what was done back in the 90s/00s and say 'you can go and play out, but you can't have anyone in today', and send them into the garden, or the local green etc with a football.

Alternatively, you could also encourage your son to go and call at his house too - if you're nervous about the walk, 9 is a fab age to be building skills and practicing - do the walk with him a few times right up to the door, then you go most of the way, but wait at the end of the street, then walk him halfway, then he can go himself. Same with coming home - agree a time you'll pick him up if he's allowed to stay and play the first time, then meet him halfway at a set time (and discuss when he'd need to leave his friends to get there on time), then he can come home on his own for a set time.

Absolutely hate this modern idea that your parents should be in entirely in charge of your social lift as a pre-teen, teenager etc! 9 is a great age to be taking a bit of freedom to walk to a friends house and play for a few hours. Plus it puts a huge admin burden on parents (mostly mothers) to ensure their child get plenty of playdates, and to control their kids social lives!

If you're mega nervous, take your son to his house, and speak to his mum, and just agree a time where you'll boot him out of yours when she wants him home by, so she knows when to worry if he's not home by. (Eg if she says he has to be home by 7:30pm, then you say, okay, that works for us, I'll make sure he has his marching orders at 7:20pm). And get her to agree to do the same for your son.
You can also mention that you don't mind him calling around, but to please not be offended if you say little Jimmy can't play today.

You are the walk over Mum. Stop letting him come after school. Maybe say that he can come over night one weekend. But please regain some control over this and it's ok to say no, to your son.