Son's friend always outstays his welcome

[meganjol]

Tricky situation, looking for suggestions on how to manage it.
My son (aged 9) has a school friend who comes over to our house a couple of times per week (usually weekday evenings) and totally outstays his welcome each time. As soon as he arrives, he asks for something to eat so I end up giving him snacks. Never meals, I live on a strict budget and can't afford to feed another mouth tbh. Let's say I offer him a couple of biscuits, he'll then go in the kitchen to get more from the packet and says "Megan, you don't mind do you?" (when they're already in his hand).
I have a busy schedule on weekday evenings with cooking, homework and also an activity that my other child does.
This boy seems to stay for 2 or 3 hours at a time, his mum never comes to collect him. So, invariably, I end up walking him home in the dark. This means I have to take my own kids out in the dark, in all weathers. Middle of winter. To make the 10 mins walk back to his house. I can't feel ok about leaving him to walk home alone as I'd never forgive myself if anything happened to him (crossing a busy main road), as well as the other dangers of a young kid walking alone in the dark.
I'm starting to get really fed up of him coming over as I know it's never just a quick visit and will invariably involve me having to sacrifice any evening plans. His mum has 2 younger children (including a young baby), so I understand she might have a hands full but I'm starting to feel used for free childcare. I've even suggested to my son that we just pretend to be out when he comes over, but my son always wants to look who's at the door.
How can I deal with this without falling out with the other mum?

Yes I agree with pp's about informing the school, somethings not right.

Some of these suggestions about how to treat a hungry 9 year old are quite upsetting to read.

Just ring the mum and say 'we are going to have dinner at x time and then bedtime so you'll need to collect Barry please before xpm'.
Don't deliver him home as she'll start to think that's the norm.
I wouldn't personally begrudge him snacks but tell him he mustn't help himself as it's impolite.
You could make a point to the mum that he always seems hungry? He could be greedy or maybe he genuinely isn't being fed sufficiently.
Does he look skinny, unhealthy?

He's not necessarily hungry. Maybe he's not allowed biscuits at home. Put the biscuits away and offer him a banana.

Quite, talking of hiding biscuits, and just shutting the door in his face, unbelievable. I understand that the OP may not be able to stretch to meals, but some of these comments do not sit well with me. There is something not quite right, and him being so young should be of some concern. I would at least be trying to speak to his parent, to gauge things. And no, I would not have a nine year old going off by himself in the dark, to go home.

The boy sounds nice. You sound kind. Just set some firmer boundaries. It'll be fine.

Whether the child is or isn't getting a dinner at home is neither the OPs business or concern. And to try and guilt-trip her otherwise is unkind.

If OP has concerns that the child isn't eating at home, which she never mentions in her OP, she can report that to the school. She isn't a private food bank for one.

He's learning young to get his own way through intimidation. You don't mind do you...?

And you are carrying on the women are alway polite to men nonsense.

It's a shame for this boy but he isnt your responsibility. Say you need to go now before it gets dark.

I would lie to his mum to make it OK - I would say that my ds needs to practice something with a tutor - music/chess/maths, etc., so no more visits for the foreseeable future.

I've had a think and I'm not happy with my initial thought. I was too influenced by the OPs feelings.

I should have thought about why he was there. Sorry little man.

Why are you walking him home? He is clearly allowed out alone and people clutching pearls its ENTIRELY normal to be allowed to walk to a friends house at 9 year old without a chaperone.

At 9 we would go out to play because you would go stir crazy in the house and we walk to our friends all the time. Its not planned play dates its just calling round to see who is free to play. Its not on the parents that you don't want your kid going out so invite him in again and again. Just send them out to the park or send him away.

Its madness on mumsnet there are threads of people saying 'My sister kids are in the house all the time, they never go to the park or anything' to cries of 'call SS, its neglect, they need socialization and peers'. Then people are like 'A local kid regularly is out of the house playing with friends' to cries of 'its neglect, where are the parents, shouldn't have kids if you can't look after them 24/7 forever'. and then 'My friends house is a utter mess and they eat unhealthy ready meals/takeaways, shes spends all her time with the kids and they are always out doing 'fun' stuff instead of the cooking/cleaning' to cries of 'call SS, its neglect, clearly doesn't care'. Utter madness, no way to win. For hundreds of years kids have gone to play with friends/entertain themselves while parents do things that need doing its not magically suddenly neglect.

Taking on a parenting role because you 'dont agree' with what they allow their kids to do in terms of independence and then moaning about it... its overstepping and entirely your own fault.

I mean while there may be bigger issues going on in his life, calling around at a friend’s house to play at 9 after school is a completely normal thing to do.

But you’re the adult here. You need to set boundaries. We live rurally and my dc’s friends will walk on a footpath across fields to come play at our house. If we’re in the middle of activity/homework/dinner, I say, sorry, they can’t play right now because of x and off they go back home.

When it’s time for them to go because we have to get on with other things, I have my eldest walk them halfway home always in daylight. It’s much easier to say, Sarah needs to go home now. Can you walk her to the gate at the end of the drive or whatever? than to just boot them out. It also teaches dc to look out for their friends. I’ve never personally walked anyone home, but I do make sure they get on their way in a timely manner.

I also think some of the responses are coldhearted. You sound very kind OP , caring for this young boys welfare.

Asking for a couple of biscuits does not immediately mean he's being deprived and neglected, however what concerns me is the parent(s) seemingly not caring about how often he is out, how how he's getting home alone in the dark, those are things I'd be worried about at 9 years old.

If you are confident there are no safeguarding concerns , then yes its time to set some boundaries .

People telling OP to make excuses not to let the kid in is ridiculous.

He's 9. Just say no, not today! You don't need to make things up and lie to him. Poor kid might feel like nobody wants him, but it's not your responsibility to make him feel wanted.

It's possible he has a crappy homelife. If you have any concerns, raise them with the school.

At 9 a ten minute walk to a mates' house is ok. Mum probably expects him to walk over and back. If he knocks and it's not convenient for him to play just say so. Mum probably just expects him to walk back if you don't want him to play. If it's a night you don't want to take him home, 15 mins of so before it's dark tell him it's time to go so he's home while it's still light. Occasionally, ask him to stay longer and offer to take him home, but not often.

I'm thinking this too.
I'm wondering what sort of home life he's got and even if he has an evening meal at home. Maybe not if he's eating so many biscuits.

OP has disappeared. It’s talking into a vacuum

@meganjol lots of good advice on the thread - what are you going to do?

This is what I was wondering.

id be concerned that the child isn’t eating dinner, my 2 would be starving 2-3
hours after school hours (even with snacks in between). Speak to the school just to check whether they think all is ok? X

I would never have called my friends mum by her first name at 9!!
That aside, tell him he has to be gone by such a time as youre doing xyz and call his mum to collect him. As for the snacks, hide them!!!

This.

Really? My 9 year old daughter’s friends all call me by my first name. What else would they call me?

How does he get to your house in the first place? Walks alone? I’d put in place that he needs to be dropped off and collected, with his mum. For their sakes, as well as yours. End of. As for the biscuits, give what you’re happy to give & hide the rest, like you would your own child. You can always probe a bit & ask if he likes his mummy’s cooking & say you don’t want to spoil his dinner. Hopefully raising the safety issue with his mum will set alarm bells off for her but you really need to arrange for her to collect, it’s not fair on you!