Son's friend always outstays his welcome

[meganjol]

Tricky situation, looking for suggestions on how to manage it.
My son (aged 9) has a school friend who comes over to our house a couple of times per week (usually weekday evenings) and totally outstays his welcome each time. As soon as he arrives, he asks for something to eat so I end up giving him snacks. Never meals, I live on a strict budget and can't afford to feed another mouth tbh. Let's say I offer him a couple of biscuits, he'll then go in the kitchen to get more from the packet and says "Megan, you don't mind do you?" (when they're already in his hand).
I have a busy schedule on weekday evenings with cooking, homework and also an activity that my other child does.
This boy seems to stay for 2 or 3 hours at a time, his mum never comes to collect him. So, invariably, I end up walking him home in the dark. This means I have to take my own kids out in the dark, in all weathers. Middle of winter. To make the 10 mins walk back to his house. I can't feel ok about leaving him to walk home alone as I'd never forgive myself if anything happened to him (crossing a busy main road), as well as the other dangers of a young kid walking alone in the dark.
I'm starting to get really fed up of him coming over as I know it's never just a quick visit and will invariably involve me having to sacrifice any evening plans. His mum has 2 younger children (including a young baby), so I understand she might have a hands full but I'm starting to feel used for free childcare. I've even suggested to my son that we just pretend to be out when he comes over, but my son always wants to look who's at the door.
How can I deal with this without falling out with the other mum?

I couldn't begrudge a hungry a child a few biscuits :/

Ive never understood how people end up in these situations. This is a CHILD. How is he allowed to just turn up at your door and help himself to your food? You’re the adult OP. Behave like one.

‘ah hi Johnny. I’m afraid now isn’t a convenient time for you to come over. Get your mum to text me and we will arrange a proper play date’

‘please don’t help yourself to food in my house Johnny. It’s not very polite.’

and if he does it again ‘Johnny, I did explain last time that it’s not ok for you to help yourself to my food. You won’t be allowed over any more’.

edit because I’ve read some of the other posts - nothing wrong with feeding the kid but it isn’t acceptable to just help yourself to food. My own children don’t do that! It’s just basic manners.

There's literally nothing in the OP post that says he's being starved or deprived or mistreated? He's eating biscuits. He's taking biscuits, not eating all the food in the house .. he's going for the treats and she's walking him home 3 hrs later because it's dark. Unless I missed an update?

How is this kid at your house without you first clearing it with his mum and getting her number? That's just basic safeguarding. Get her number. Message whenever he comes so she knows where her is ( yes I know she should have done this but for you) and arrange how long he is staying and how he is getting home.

Yes I was thinking what if Mum has bad depression in the baby stage and needs help.

it’s small wonder that so many children fall through the cracks and end up as victims of the most unimaginable abuse given the majority of attitudes on this thread.

I wonder how many of those telling the OP to just get rid of the child without a backward glance go on to those threads where someone has been convicted of a heinous crime towards their child and says something like “why did nobody ever say something? Someone must have noticed something was wrong?”

This is a 9 year old child who is practically feral. He turns up having not eaten, asks for biscuits (if you can afford three kids you can afford a 15p pack of biscuits fgs), then stays and is taken home by the OP. There doesn’t seem to be any talk of the mum, her response when he arrives home etc. He gets home after dark and so presumably after dinner time, or are we to assume that this mother just waits for him to arrive, not knowing when that will be, to make him dinner? Get real.

And I’d be wondering where he is the other nights of the week when he isn’t at the OP’s.

By just blindly turning this child away OP is complicit in anything that happens to him.

Personally I would speak to the school safeguard lead. I wouldn’t involve the parents, clearly they don’t give a shit.

I might even go so far as to speak to SS, because if this child is being abused/neglected then it’s guaranteed the other children are as well.

Shame on all those people just telling the OP to turn him out. Let’s hope his parents aren’t in the news down the track.

Totally agree. Poor child.

Can you compromise and have him round once a week?

Agree with what others have said about safeguarding. It's a little disturbing to hear of a child always turning up at your house hungry.

This response sounds perfect. Some of the other posts are too harsh, he’s a 9 year old child who sounds pretty lonely and feels comfortable in your home, he’s not doing anything wrong here it’s just that it’s not working our ok for you.
Be kind and speak to him how you want someone to address your own child. Explain the change rather than suddenly shutting him out or making him feel bad about asking for snacks when all of this has seemingly been ok before.
sorry Jack, we’re cutting back on snacks as it’s costing too much money / we’re running out too quick etc. hi Jack, I spoke to your mum, we love having you over but we’re going to have to change things a bit meaning it will be less time as we’ve got too much to get done in the week.

Is the kid walking home with your son straight from school or is he making his own way home and then leaving his home and coming to yours?

It speaks highly of you that he feels welcomed in your home (but that is an aside for now).

It also reads that the boy here may even be sent over to yours (and perhaps on the days he isn't with you to other houses) as informal childcare which you do need to nip in the bud.

Next time he calls, you need to turn him away (while it's still bright) at the doorstep and say "Sorry X, we're busy today. I'll contact your mother and we can arrange something for another day. You'll be safe walking home as it's still bright out. See you again soon."

Get his mother's/father's mobile number and text them "Hi, I'm Ds's mum. I wanted to let you know that we're not able to have X over any more and I've told DS that he can't have X over unless we've arranged something with you. We're aware that X and DS have a great time after school and we can arrange a date where X can come over and spend some time. See you soon"
Then I would mute their number (because I'm guessing you don't really want this kid around for the foreseeable and you can arrange something later on in the year when you unmute their number).

I think the op has been commendable as she’s got a lot on her plate and she’s walking the child hope as she doesn’t want him to walk home in the dark.

It’s the boys mum who’s 9 not caring to collect her child in the dark that is the issue and cause for concern.

btw the nine year old boy will know asking fur biscuits instead of a sandwich / meal will help him fly under the radar ( kind of like it has).

Give him specific dates he can come round and don't be scared to say no if he comes at other times.
Say no to snacks.

I think you need to actually see /speak to the mum then check the situation out

Why on earth would you do all that?

Just tell him that he's not to come over until after he's had his tea and die his mother to confirm that she is picking him up as you won't be walking him home.

If he helps himself to food you ask him to leave immediately.

I wouldn't begrudge him a few biscuits , you can get 20p ones as other posters have said . Does sound like something isn't quite right - maybe the mum has told him to find friends after school to see .
I wonder if you should mention all you have said to the school teacher - just so they are aware of the situation.

Yes sure, OP can check there's no welfare issue. But also kid may just want biscuits as doesn't get any at home. My kids didn't get that much sweet stuff at home when that age and so may have wanted to have more of it at friends houses, doesn't mean I'm a neglectful parent.
Different parents have different standards for kids going home. I didn't suggest OP sends boy home in the dark, I suggested she send him home earlier whilst light.

Yes.
Very likely.

Feel bad for the kid but unfortunately it's up to his parents to parent him!

Do you have a ring doorbell? You could show your son who is at the door without answering the door. I know that seems cruel but maybe it's the only way to nip this in the bud.

You could then message the mum and say, "sorry just saw X at the door but we are busy/ out/ having dinner etc etc" just so she knows he isn't safely at yours.

I really don't understand this. HOw is this child usually getting to and from your house? Why are you walkig him home? If he walks home because he's allowed and you're choosing not to let him, that's on you. Personally, in these sort of situations, I tend to send the kids home before it gets dark - "Pete, it's getting dark so you better get going now as you don't want to be walking home in the dark."

Ditto re food - I am happy for DS's friends to have snacks etc. But I have no problem saying no if necessary. Just say, "this is the snack available - no more, you'll have to wait for dinner at home if you're still hungry" or whatever.

@meganjol have you got a plan of action? Also .., what’s the child’s mum like? Do you know her well?

Neither you nor the boy's mother is acting in a responsible manner. Clearly, he's learnt to be a sponger and I fear that he'll learn this behaviour as the norm (and in his adulthood he'll sponge off others, especially women, girl friends, etc.). So be responsible, be assertive and start of by not giving him anything to eat i.e. sponge off you. I know this sounds despicably mean (on my part) but we as adults need to be responsible (and thus be kind, in the long run). Long term, it will help him and all those who come in contact with him. HTH

I was this kid. I was always hungry, lonely and no one bothered where I was. Thank goodness for lovely parents like you that gave me somewhere nicer to be and cared enough to make sure I was safe. I'm sure I was a nuisance, but they made all the difference in my childhood.
Ultimately he's not your responsibility and you should feel confident in setting boundaries in your own home, but please chat to the safeguarding lead at your child's school and they should take it from there. I wish someone had done that for me.

You need to have some boundaries, Op.
Invite him in sometimes but not every time.

Ask the boy to check in his lunch box for any left over food that he can eat. Only allow eating at the table. Offer him a glass of water. Know clearly what you are prepared to offer him and stick to it. (an apple, a piece of bread and jam, nothing)
Say NO to requests of more food and tell him it must be getting near his dinner time so he should head off home.

Remind the boy to go home after 3/4 an hour or so.
He possibly has reading, chores and he needs to arrive home before dark too.

Grow a pair and handle the situation op

Had this as a kid - you really need to give your son some time at home without this kid always being there - he deserves a bit of downtime in the company of his own family!

Kid sounds quite forceful too, so bear in mind you may you son may actually want this but be afraid to say so - you might need to be the 'bad guy' here and your son may put up a token resistance, but actually be relieved.