Son's friend always outstays his welcome

[meganjol]

Tricky situation, looking for suggestions on how to manage it.
My son (aged 9) has a school friend who comes over to our house a couple of times per week (usually weekday evenings) and totally outstays his welcome each time. As soon as he arrives, he asks for something to eat so I end up giving him snacks. Never meals, I live on a strict budget and can't afford to feed another mouth tbh. Let's say I offer him a couple of biscuits, he'll then go in the kitchen to get more from the packet and says "Megan, you don't mind do you?" (when they're already in his hand).
I have a busy schedule on weekday evenings with cooking, homework and also an activity that my other child does.
This boy seems to stay for 2 or 3 hours at a time, his mum never comes to collect him. So, invariably, I end up walking him home in the dark. This means I have to take my own kids out in the dark, in all weathers. Middle of winter. To make the 10 mins walk back to his house. I can't feel ok about leaving him to walk home alone as I'd never forgive myself if anything happened to him (crossing a busy main road), as well as the other dangers of a young kid walking alone in the dark.
I'm starting to get really fed up of him coming over as I know it's never just a quick visit and will invariably involve me having to sacrifice any evening plans. His mum has 2 younger children (including a young baby), so I understand she might have a hands full but I'm starting to feel used for free childcare. I've even suggested to my son that we just pretend to be out when he comes over, but my son always wants to look who's at the door.
How can I deal with this without falling out with the other mum?

I mean you sound like a bit of a martyr tbh. How has this managed to go on for so long without you just speaking to the mum? If you walk the boy home, you can just knock on the door and say I'm sorry, I can't walk him home any more as it means I have to drag all the kids out. And if he wants to come to ours after school, please could you ensure you pick him up at x time.

If you've just been letting it happen, it's allowed the other mum to take advantage (which she blatantly is btw, not excusing her one but either).

But if it bothers you, do something about it!

Are you concerned at all about this boys home life? I think I might be trying to find out a bit more about that and then decide on what is the best way to approach this. I have girls and we live quite rurally but at 9 years old, they wouldn't have been allowed to just go off like this, it's ringing alarm bells to me

I'm a teacher (no kids of my own yet but lurking on MN as I'm a pregnant soon to be mum) and my gut instinct here is there could be a major safeguarding or wellbeing concern. This child is clearly hungry, and his parents don't seem to know or care where he is on an evening. He's 9 years old! These are textbook signs of neglect. Honestly, I'm quite surprised that so few PPs have interpreted it in this way.

Is he a classmate of your son's? I'd be reporting it to the school in the first instance. They may also have spotted concerns which could then be triangulated. My mind immediately goes back to the case of Daniel Pelka 10 or so years ago. One of the key signs he was at risk was he was caught stealing food at school. The poor little boy ended up dying because those concerns weren't acted on.

I honestly would err on the side of caution that this is more than just an inconvenience. It might not be, but in schools we're basically taught "safeguarding is everyone's responsibility and it could happen here". Better to act just in case and it amount to nothing, than to dismiss something and for it to end in tragedy.

invariably, I end up walking him home in the dark. This means I have to take my own kids out in the dark, in all weathers. Middle of winter. To make the 10 mins walk back to his house. I can't feel ok about leaving him to walk home alone as I'd never forgive myself if anything happened to him (crossing a busy main road), as well as the other dangers of a young kid walking alone in the dark.

Send him back in the daylight.

Send your son round to him sometime?

Evenings are getting lighter already 🙌 you might be glad of this friendship come the summer. It’s nice he feels so welcome in your home. But you are in charge and need to remain so!

I had exactly the same situation. The little boy started to turn up every day during the school holidays and stayed all day. He was a nice boy and my son really enjoyed his company. But I started to feel resentful and like free childcare. Eventually I put a stop to it entirely because I felt taken advantage of. My son was very upset and didn’t understand why he couldn’t play with his friend anymore.

My neighbour had a similar problem and dealt with it completely differently. She had a open door policy and welcomed the little girl. That little girl is now an adult and she visits my neighbour with her children who call her Auntie. My neighbour attended her wedding and treats her like family.

I often think about that little boy and feel guilty I put a stop to that friendship because of my own feelings. He was quite fond of us and like your situation I think something was going on at home.

That’s really sad that you put an end to that friendship. I just don’t understand why you did it.

My thoughts were similar too. If this a real situation then it sounds quite worrying.

Concern for the 9 year old is paramount here and thank you to the lovely teacher who gave really clear and important safe guarding concerns. It’s about more than a few biscuits, if kids are happy at home they won’t be seeking refuge somewhere else :(

One doesn't really outstay one's welcome unless staying longer than the agreed length of the visit. If no such time frame has been agreed, it really is up to the host to indicate clearly it is time to wrap things up.

Having said that, I do all the mad mum chase-ups suggested by a PP; insisting on DC's friends parents numbers, actually call them to discuss drop-off and collection as well as confirm that, irrespective of what DC1 says, DCFriend's parents definitely are expecting her? etc.

I agree, many of us automatically think children are just being children and parents are pushing boundaries.

He clearly likes your home op and feels safe and he obviously needs feeding, I would think about his home life. I had a similar set up but it was daily, I never put limits on this friendship and they also slept over on many occasions, as they grew up his problems manifested, he was a lovely person but it was clear there was discord in his family home.

He would open up to me as the years went by about some of his struggles.
I wish I could say there was a happy ending but he eventually commited suicide at a young age.
I still miss him, he was a beautiful person, so clever and sensitive, we think of him often and always recognise his birthday, such a loss.

Sorry this has hit a nerve but you never know what goes on in other homes, I wouldn't hesitate in being there for some child, sometimes you just have to look a little deeper.

Is he definitely getting something to eat when he gets home? Is he a good weight?
To be completely honest I couldn't begrudge a few biscuits a couple of times a week (I'd just get the 40p packs of cookies in for the occasion if budget is tight).
Have you asked him about home? Not an FBI style grilling but general interest, ask what he does when he doesn't come to yours, at weekends etc.
I couldn't knowingly send him straight back home if his home life is awful.

It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. Welcome him in and explain it’s just until 5, say: “We love having you over but are only having guests until 5 now: do you still want to come in, and go home at 5?” let them play, ration the biscuits “These are for the week so it’s max 3 each” and send him home for his tea, “Time to go now Fred, we’ve stuff to do now: you’re welcome back on Friday.” And expect resistance/pleading/moaning and stay pleasant in the face of it, empathise eg “It’s hard to be disappointed.”
if you’ve concerns about his home life tell the safeguarding person at school.

I know you're n a budget - I know as I am too - but I'd just give the kid a bowl of pasta and cheese every time. Filling and cheap.

Then at 5pm, having prewarned him, tell him it's home time.

I'd walk him home the first time. See him into the house and then have a chat with the mum about it all.
I wouldn't just get resentful because of taking no action.

This. And tell him nit to be so cheeky helping himself to biscuits. Your house, why are you being a doormat?

I agree with having a chat with school about it, the taking of food could be part of a bigger picture

When he says "you don't mind do you?"
Reply" we are keeping those so please can you hand me the packet, and please don't take the packet from the kitchen. Thanks"
Tell him time's up before it gets dark and send him home after an hour not 3.
Pretty simple really

Thia is exactly what i would do.

This is actually really cruel. I know op is on budget too and tbh if it was possible I would happily send money so he’s fed and safeguarding been explored. I used to try and take care of my daughters friends who were being mistreated in foster care, I would feed them and take them out or invite to ours at any opportunity. They ended up reporting the mistreatment but were then rehoused another 5 times and they were far away from us :(

Seriously, it’s a 9 year old boy, you’re the adult, it’s not hard.

This

I don't understand why you can't just communicate.

"Hi X's mum, we will need to do scheduled play dates in future as this isn't working for me. X will need to be collected as I'm not comfortable with him leaving my house alone in the dark."

There are some safeguarding red flags there so you should inform the school safeguarding lead.

Same. I’d have a word with the school and let them know what’s going on. This child sounds like he’s being neglected.

I would feel sorry for him and let him stay whenever tbh.
There's something going on.
Re the biscuits, you can get 3 packets of those cheap biscuits for about 19p in Aldi.
His parents clearly are happy with him walking alone, which at 9 would be as normal as not. And he's getting older and it's getting lighter. You are taking on a responsibility which you don't need to and will be less and less.

I think if he's keeping your son happy, you're making him happy, it's worth the 4p of biscuits.

You'd provide unlimited childcare? Good for you but most people have no interest in doing that.

I stopped having these kids over as they would eat and eat and eat.. I was a single mum and their parents were taking the piss.

In the end they were asking for food while still on the doorstep but they wanted sweets, chocolate and ice cream etc so I started to tell them to go home and not let them over to play.

In one case the little girl was only 4 years old. Her mum let her roam all over.