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Original poster

SIL and DBro don't want to be close..

129 replies

Mintoip · 23/01/2025 14:57

My DBro is a couple of years younger than me. We're all in our thirties (including his wife and my husband) and we all have kids of a similar age. We live in the same area as well.

I put it out there at Christmas that I wanted our kids to be close growing up.
Me and my bro have never been the closest and our partners have never really hit it off either. No one is unpleasant but I guess we just don't really gel particularly as friends type thing. When we see each other at family occasions it's kind of small talk-y but always pleasant and everyone seems happy to see each other.

Anyway, I feel quite hurt my DBro basically brushed this off at Xmas, he basically said he thinks we've never been that close so hasn't thought much of it and we'll see you when we see you type thing. I guess he's right that we haven't been close, but I feel like we should all make the effort for the kids sake!?

AIBU?

OP posts:
LemonOP · 23/01/2025 15:01

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

museumum · 23/01/2025 15:02

I am similarly not close to my brother and have tried to approach it slowly, we used to only see each other at Christmas and our parents' birthdays, I've been trying to arrange a lunch between each of these events so doubling the amount we see them. Going from that to 'close' I think is too big a jump.. it'll happen or not over time... we are quite close to my BIL and SIL now but it's taken over a decade of occasional family events to build into actually meeting up more regularly and having an active whatsapp chat. MIL buys us a voucher for a fancy lunch together for our xmas present each year (she watches the kids) which helped.. maybe try something like that?

BarbaraHoward · 23/01/2025 15:03

YANBU to want it but YABVU to expect him to want the same. I wouldn't want my kids to be close to family members if I wasn't close to the parents.

Rowen32 · 23/01/2025 15:04

I get this from your brother's side and also from the point of view of having cousins who really weren't the best for me but who I was pushed to be with..if something isn't coming naturally which your relationship obviously isn't I don't see the point..your kids might be totally different to each other and not gel either and chances are they probably won't if the four of you are so different..there's nothing worse as a kid than being forced to be friendly with people you don't want to be. I'd let it go and focus on relationships that do come naturally and easily

LemonOP · 23/01/2025 15:05

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

sonjadog · 23/01/2025 15:05

You can be disappointed, but you can't expect him to want it just because you do.

OneDenimRobin · 23/01/2025 15:09

If you want your DC to be closer to their cousins, you need to build a closer relationship with your brother and his wife.

TomatoSandwiches · 23/01/2025 15:12

YABU

Cynic17 · 23/01/2025 15:12

That's fine and completely normal. Lots of siblings/cousins aren't close. You absolutely can't force it.
Make time for your good friends - they are the people who stick with us through life.

TwistedWonder · 23/01/2025 15:48

YANBU to want them to be close but you can’t force it so YABU to expect them to agree just because it’s what you want.

Original poster
Mintoip · 23/01/2025 15:58

Why are the replies being deleted by mumsnet? One of them asked how old the kids are!?

We both have a boy and a girl each.

My boy is 11 and my girl is 4, their girl is 6 and boy is 2. My boy can be a bit of a handful where he has ADHD but not to the extent that other kids wouldn't want to be around him..well, hopefully not.

I just think it would be really nice for the kids even if we're not close type thing.

My DH can say the odd thing that puts his foot on it and I think why did you say that!? But I feel my SIL can be a bit stand offish.

I dunno how to improve our relationship really. I think they need to try too surely?

OP posts:
festivemouse · 23/01/2025 15:59

Honestly you're not close, never have been - I'm not sure why that would change now - especially as the kids are older! It's not like you've both got babies to bond over.

They might not want to try which is perfectly understandable, family aren't always the people you want to be friends with.

LifeExperience · 23/01/2025 15:59

You can't make someone spend time with you and your children. YABU.

speakball · 23/01/2025 16:02

Having the same dna doesn’t mean you’re both looking for or capable of depth in your connections. Your friends and other families can offer you the deep relationships you’re naturally yearning for. Love is love and it’s just as good from people unrelated. It won’t mean less if you’re unrelated when it’s real.

GingerIsBest · 23/01/2025 16:02

Admittedly, I had no cousins growing up so pehaps I dont get it, but I really don't understand the obsession with being close to your cousins. DH and his siblings grew up fairly close to their cousins as their grandparents did a lot of childcare for both families, but their relationships as adults is definitely as cousins, not siblings.

My DC have a hilarious number of cousins and DS in particular has quite a few male cousins of similar age to him. He gets on well with them but at the end of the day, they're not seeing each other constantly and our families are different. I love that they DO get on and have that relationship, but I'm not trying to insist that they be besties, because they actually have very different lives.

If you have neices and nephews of similar age you can try to build relationships by suggesting stuff with them - eg does Dave want ot join Pete's football club - you're happy to handle logistics. Or Maria and Penny both love theatre so I'll take them to a show this summer. etc.

BarbaraHoward · 23/01/2025 16:04

I dunno how to improve our relationship really. I think they need to try too surely?

They don't need to try if they don't want to improve the relationship though. You can't force this OP, you need to accept that. A close relationship relies on both parties wanting that.

Springflowersmakeforbetterhours · 23/01/2025 16:06

Maybe he was worried being close entailed providing child care? If your dc is a handful maybe he was thinking ahead quickly?

outerspacepotato · 23/01/2025 16:07

Just because your kids are related doesn't mean they'll be close.

None of the adults click with each other, so why force things with the kids? They can choose their own friends.

Seeing the update, an 11 year old is not going to get close to kids so much younger than him. Plus, if he is "a bit of a handful", they probably don't want to be childcare or have to handle him around kids so much younger.

WrylyAmused · 23/01/2025 16:07

They don't want to try and have been open about that. You can be sad about it, but you aren't able to make them change their minds.

Focus on helping your own kids have social opportunities to build their own friendships. You could maybe offer to have your niblings over for playdates etc, but seems pretty clear that the adults don't want to have a closer relationship or hang out together more than currently.

IButtleSir · 23/01/2025 16:13

Mintoip · 23/01/2025 15:58

Why are the replies being deleted by mumsnet? One of them asked how old the kids are!?

We both have a boy and a girl each.

My boy is 11 and my girl is 4, their girl is 6 and boy is 2. My boy can be a bit of a handful where he has ADHD but not to the extent that other kids wouldn't want to be around him..well, hopefully not.

I just think it would be really nice for the kids even if we're not close type thing.

My DH can say the odd thing that puts his foot on it and I think why did you say that!? But I feel my SIL can be a bit stand offish.

I dunno how to improve our relationship really. I think they need to try too surely?

I dunno how to improve our relationship really. I think they need to try too surely?

They only need to try if they actually want to improve the relationship. They clearly don't. Let it go and focus on building good friendships.

Original poster
Mintoip · 23/01/2025 16:13

I guess I just feel a bit hurt. They seem to e close with SIL's niece and I see photos of them doing stuff on social media.

When both our girls were babies/toddlers on an occasion that we did see them, my DH did say that he thought it would be good if they were at the same school so we could share lifts etc..I'm not sure that would've put them off us..Surely everyone wants to share lifts given the opportunity?

OP posts:
MissDoubleU · 23/01/2025 16:30

Mintoip · 23/01/2025 16:13

I guess I just feel a bit hurt. They seem to e close with SIL's niece and I see photos of them doing stuff on social media.

When both our girls were babies/toddlers on an occasion that we did see them, my DH did say that he thought it would be good if they were at the same school so we could share lifts etc..I'm not sure that would've put them off us..Surely everyone wants to share lifts given the opportunity?

That depends, who would be doing the lifts in this scenario? Was it “It would be good if they were at the same school because you could help me” or “because then we can help each other, equally”

Idk, it seems like you’ve waited all this time and now your asking to be closer feels like in reaction to seeing them be closer with the other side? A bit of jealousy, but no work has went in over the years to bridge the gap with your brother. Relationships like that can’t come from nowhere. Not for you or your children.

Do you have close friends with children your DC have grown up with/are very close with?

WhatNoRaisins · 23/01/2025 16:42

OP I agree with PP in that I get why you want this close relationship but I think you need to try and make your peace with it not happening. None of us can tell you why it's like this beyond projection and speculation and there's no surefire way to fix it.

Is there anyone else that your family is close to?

BlanketLanyard · 23/01/2025 16:45

I don't see the point in forcing a relationship. So what if the kids are cousins, that alone isn't a reason to be close imho. I don't see mine from one decade to the next (only ever see them at funerals tbh!) and it's fine, we all have our own friends.

BBQPete · 23/01/2025 17:01

festivemouse · 23/01/2025 15:59

Honestly you're not close, never have been - I'm not sure why that would change now - especially as the kids are older! It's not like you've both got babies to bond over.

They might not want to try which is perfectly understandable, family aren't always the people you want to be friends with.

This.

YABU.

I get on well enough with one of my dh's siblings, to see them 3 or 4 times a year but we are very different people, with different interests, different values, and different parenting styles. You can't 'force' a friendship where there isn't a natural connection. DH's other sibling and husband, OTOH, we get on really well with. We have shared interests and shared ways of spending time. The same values and similar parenting styles. Same sense of humour. We see them regularly, even though our dc are different ages / stages of life.