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Original poster

SIL and DBro don't want to be close..

129 replies

Mintoip · 23/01/2025 14:57

My DBro is a couple of years younger than me. We're all in our thirties (including his wife and my husband) and we all have kids of a similar age. We live in the same area as well.

I put it out there at Christmas that I wanted our kids to be close growing up.
Me and my bro have never been the closest and our partners have never really hit it off either. No one is unpleasant but I guess we just don't really gel particularly as friends type thing. When we see each other at family occasions it's kind of small talk-y but always pleasant and everyone seems happy to see each other.

Anyway, I feel quite hurt my DBro basically brushed this off at Xmas, he basically said he thinks we've never been that close so hasn't thought much of it and we'll see you when we see you type thing. I guess he's right that we haven't been close, but I feel like we should all make the effort for the kids sake!?

AIBU?

OP posts:
ManchesterLu · 25/01/2025 21:18

It's not a case of making the kids close. You have to be close as adults, and then the children become close as they spend time together when you all socialise together. It's not the kind of thing that you can force. It saddens me that I'm not close to my own cousins, but there's very little I can do about it.

MollyRover · 25/01/2025 21:27

I feel for you OP. Do you have other siblings or is it just you and your DB? How about friends with kids, do you spend time with other families?

BBQPete · 25/01/2025 22:55

I'm glad this thread has helped you see that @Mintoip

Original poster
Mintoip · 26/01/2025 11:42

We do have my DH's brothers kids.
To be fair we don't fully get on with my SIL on that side either, she's also a bit stand offish. They're both girls but closer to my DS's age, they're 11 and 9.
My DD is only 4 though so she doesn't get much from their girls.

OP posts:
Rachmorr57 · 26/01/2025 11:55

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

IButtleSir · 26/01/2025 18:43

So both of your sister in laws are standoffish. Is that really the case? Or do you think it might be that you're very intense, which is how you are coming across on this thread?

WhatNoRaisins · 26/01/2025 19:47

OP do you have a close friend that you could talk to and get honest feedback on whether you come across a bit intense?

BeaAndBen · 26/01/2025 19:59

You have two sisters in law and both are standoffish. You're jealous of one and try to show off in front of her. You don't have a family unit that spends Christmas and other holidays togethert because your paremnts divorced and live in tiny places. You have a significant age gap except for the middle two girls. Your SIL has a very clean house and you think she finds yours dirty; you also have behavioural issues with your eldest that they don't understand.

When the details from your posts are all laid out like that, @Mintoip , isn't it pretty inevitable you won't be close? Would you want to spend time with a couple who were trying to impress you all the while, and whose children were 9 years older than your toddler?

I think it's just one of those things. Most families dobn't have a "cousin gang". Some do. Some do but they grow apart as they get older. Don't beat yourself up for a fantasy relationship.

Winterskyfall · 28/01/2025 19:33

Yes, you are being unreasonable. You can't force closeness.

Winterskyfall · 28/01/2025 19:43

Mintoip · 24/01/2025 13:30

@TorroFerney I guess I want to be closer because I actually admire her, maybe I am a little green eyed because she seems to have everything together. Her kids see their cousin etc. I think that we don't really have our shit together in comparison.

I always try and impress them when I see them. I think maybe they take this as me being a bit show off-ish, competitive maybe!? but I feel like I want them to notice me, to think I am doing well too, type thing..
I dunno, it's all a bit complicated but basically I feel awkward how the cousins don't see each other and I'm angry that they have decided they don't want to see us.

You are jealous and mean about your SIL. You are competitive with them both, you show off. You only want to be close now because they have a good relationship with SIL's niece. And you are angry they don't want to see you?

You are seriously lacking in self awareness. Why on earth would they want to see you more often? Does your description of yourself sound like someone you would want to get close to?

Chattygirl123 · 28/01/2025 20:27

I have some cousins I regularly go out with and some I wouldn't care if I never saw them again in fact I'd prefer it. You can't force these things

Original poster
Mintoip · 29/01/2025 12:57

As much as it's difficult for me to admit @BeaAndBen and @Winterskyfall I think you're both probably somewhat right.

I feel like an idiot. I've just wanted to be friends and spend more time together and instead I've fucked it up.
I think a big issue is they don't like my husband, and when he says stupid things I'm always cringing so never pull him up on it in front of them. I do also agree that my DS is a lot older and when he was young I wasn't so focused on a relationship.
I think when I found out we were havi by a DD and there DD was at the time about 12 months I got overly invested in the thought of them being friends and that could've been the link that brought us and them closer. And then since that point and for the last 4 years I've wanted to try and get them together.
But ultimately we just don't really get on and things are awkward so I need to put less pressure on it all and move forwards..

OP posts:
WhatNoRaisins · 29/01/2025 13:02

There's no shame in trying to spend time with them and make the effort. It just hasn't worked out with these people.

Winterskyfall · 29/01/2025 13:23

Mintoip · 29/01/2025 12:57

As much as it's difficult for me to admit @BeaAndBen and @Winterskyfall I think you're both probably somewhat right.

I feel like an idiot. I've just wanted to be friends and spend more time together and instead I've fucked it up.
I think a big issue is they don't like my husband, and when he says stupid things I'm always cringing so never pull him up on it in front of them. I do also agree that my DS is a lot older and when he was young I wasn't so focused on a relationship.
I think when I found out we were havi by a DD and there DD was at the time about 12 months I got overly invested in the thought of them being friends and that could've been the link that brought us and them closer. And then since that point and for the last 4 years I've wanted to try and get them together.
But ultimately we just don't really get on and things are awkward so I need to put less pressure on it all and move forwards..

Huge respect to you for acknowledging that. And perhaps less pressure will lead to better results but if not there are plenty of other people out there you will get on with.

Findinganewme · 29/01/2025 14:36
  1. your line, ‘they need to try, surely’ says a lot. They don’t need it. You want them to want it.
  2. what is the mechanism that will make you close, all of a sudden, when you haven’t been close before? The kids? This is a risky strategy. The kids may not even get along…
  3. did they take an interest in your 11 year old before they had kids themselves? If not, then you know how interested they are in your children.
  4. it seems like one of the reasons you want to be close is jealously; they do a lot with your SIL’s niece. Perhaps this is the case because she’s close to her sister / brother. People who love their sibling will likely love their niece / nephew.
  5. the other reason you want to be close, seems like practicality, ie school runs. Remember, they may not need or want your help and involvement. They’ll find their own friends and circle and methods.
  6. They have been living their lives with their own activities, interests, jobs and their own social circle. You now say that you want the kids to be close, but that’s what YOU want. They have their established lives.
  7. You have described your SIL as awkward. You say that your husband sometimes says stuff. Do you like each other? The kids are and extension of this social set up of yours.

if you all really want the relationship between you all to improve, then I’d back off and take smaller steps. An invitation for lunch, a play date, a trip to the farm or zoo or whatever, and then, as your brother says, you can see how you go. It may, or may not work.

PinkArt · 29/01/2025 18:22

Mintoip · 29/01/2025 12:57

As much as it's difficult for me to admit @BeaAndBen and @Winterskyfall I think you're both probably somewhat right.

I feel like an idiot. I've just wanted to be friends and spend more time together and instead I've fucked it up.
I think a big issue is they don't like my husband, and when he says stupid things I'm always cringing so never pull him up on it in front of them. I do also agree that my DS is a lot older and when he was young I wasn't so focused on a relationship.
I think when I found out we were havi by a DD and there DD was at the time about 12 months I got overly invested in the thought of them being friends and that could've been the link that brought us and them closer. And then since that point and for the last 4 years I've wanted to try and get them together.
But ultimately we just don't really get on and things are awkward so I need to put less pressure on it all and move forwards..

It's rare to see an update where someone seems to have gained real insight from their thread. (Meant in a waaaaay less patronising way than in sounds written down) Well done for recognising that the relationship is unlikely to evolve on the way you wanted it to.
Is there somewhere more positive you can channel the energy you were spending on this? I'm not close to my own cousins and my niblings don't have any cousins but we've all built our own 'family' networks. Family friends, who have chosen you, are more important to me than family who didn't have a choice and may or may not embrace that role.

BeaAndBen · 29/01/2025 18:42

Mintoip · 29/01/2025 12:57

As much as it's difficult for me to admit @BeaAndBen and @Winterskyfall I think you're both probably somewhat right.

I feel like an idiot. I've just wanted to be friends and spend more time together and instead I've fucked it up.
I think a big issue is they don't like my husband, and when he says stupid things I'm always cringing so never pull him up on it in front of them. I do also agree that my DS is a lot older and when he was young I wasn't so focused on a relationship.
I think when I found out we were havi by a DD and there DD was at the time about 12 months I got overly invested in the thought of them being friends and that could've been the link that brought us and them closer. And then since that point and for the last 4 years I've wanted to try and get them together.
But ultimately we just don't really get on and things are awkward so I need to put less pressure on it all and move forwards..

I think that's a very mature reflection.

I have a sibling who was very keen to promote a 'cousin gang' when all the DC were little. The ages mostly corresponded and when they were young it did work out despite 200 miles between the families (because I bowed to the pressure and worked hard to help it happen from my side).

However, as families we have absolutely nothing in common beyond genetics. What the two families like, wear, eat, do for fun, watch on telly, listen to or read are all very different. Different belief, different ethics, different politics.

As soon as the DC were old enough to express views and preferences they pulled apart of their own volition. They don't enjoy being together beyond a good natured exchange of hello and shared jokes about their grandparents. They don't dislike each other, they have sod all in common.

So I guess I'm trying to reassure you that you aren't letting the children down by not having a cousin gang. Even when one is created, unless they really connect as people it doesn't carry forward.

WhatNoRaisins · 29/01/2025 18:49

I think for a lot of people extended family isn't what they wish it was. The reasons will vary but you're far from alone in this OP.

Truth25 · 29/01/2025 18:52

From your description of the two families I would say that you couldn't be more different if you tried. Your kids aren't even the same age. You want something that you were not able to do yourself . I understand your disappointment But I do think just because they are related doesn't mean that they need to be close.

strawberrysea · 29/01/2025 18:56

This was always my ex-MIL's gripe - that we weren't 'close'.

An emotional connection can't be forced and I don't think your brother is BU. YANBU for wanting it but YWBU to push it.

Seamless11 · 29/01/2025 19:13

I honestly wouldn’t worry about it. My BIL has nothing to do with my DS, I’m not sure DS even knows he exists.

DS also doesn’t have any cousins anywhere near his own age so we have gravitated towards friendship groups with other parents with similar age children who we’ve met as DS went through nursery etc.

The end result is that for DS his entire social scene consists of his nuclear family plus friends. Extended family are barely on the scene. He’s the happiest child I know.

abs12 · 30/01/2025 08:27

I could have written this OP. I feel for you and what I have learned over the years is the more you push, the likelihood of being hurt increases. Maybe be grateful with what you have, albeit minimal, and perhaps every now and then suggest a little lunch, or invite to the kids' family birthdays... Or similar.

I disagree with others around friends over family. My family is for life, helped make me who I am, and are above all the most important thing to me. My friends will always be secondary. This is irrespective of how anyone behaves.

But as mentioned, you can't force it and it can really hurt.

Original poster
Mintoip · 30/01/2025 14:13

I know I shouldn't have said anything to my brother, and I hadn't for the 4 years running up to Christmas. But I heard from my dad that he was going over my brothers house at Christmas and so I text my brother so say we were going to come over too.
This is when I got a shitty reply to say that he didn't want loads of people over and it wasn't my plans to make. So I came out with it and said is it that you don't want us round? Don't you want our kids to be close type thing.
I probably shouldn't have invited us over, but it was my only way of trying to get us all together. I've learned now not to bother trying again.

OP posts:
TherealmrsT · 30/01/2025 14:23

I am close with DB after a few years of not being. What made the difference was a quick weekly phone call. Agreed a time with him and it happens every week (over 20 years now). Some weeks it's only how are you/SIL/kids, sometimes it's work things, what's for dinner...what are you watching on TV. It means we know trivia of each others lives but there is an open communication for more serious things. It's helped us find things in common and really helped with issues with DP.

WhatNoRaisins · 30/01/2025 14:24

I'm not trying to be shaming but I think that last one was a bit of a bad move. The ends don't justify the means, if you behave rudely for nice reasons most people will still just focus on the rude part.

Have you tried apologising to your DB for inviting yourself over at a stressful time of the year? Obviously it doesn't guarantee anything but I don't think you'll get anywhere with him if you don't at least show some awareness of the times you've messed up. You need to be able to see the situation from his perspective too.

In any case what's done is done, better to focus on what you can do now.