SIL and DBro don't want to be close..

[Mintoip]

My DBro is a couple of years younger than me. We're all in our thirties (including his wife and my husband) and we all have kids of a similar age. We live in the same area as well.

I put it out there at Christmas that I wanted our kids to be close growing up.
Me and my bro have never been the closest and our partners have never really hit it off either. No one is unpleasant but I guess we just don't really gel particularly as friends type thing. When we see each other at family occasions it's kind of small talk-y but always pleasant and everyone seems happy to see each other.

Anyway, I feel quite hurt my DBro basically brushed this off at Xmas, he basically said he thinks we've never been that close so hasn't thought much of it and we'll see you when we see you type thing. I guess he's right that we haven't been close, but I feel like we should all make the effort for the kids sake!?

AIBU?

I think it would have been better to try to invite them to something or to do something, rather than say you want the kids to be close.

I always try and impress them when I see them. I think maybe they take this as me being a bit show off-ish, competitive maybe!? but I feel like I want them to notice me, to think I am doing well too, type thing..

Well I've solved the mystery of why they don't want to spend more time with you...

Why would you want to spend loads of time with people you have nothing in common with? Spend it building a relationship with the people you actually get on with. When the kids are older they can choose to get close if they want to.

I tried for years to get a better relationship with my DB but he just wasn’t that interested. We met 2 or maybe 3 times a year, he lives 90 minutes away.
I made the effort instead to see friends and spend time with them .
Odd that after years of trying he now contacts me more now hes fallen out with other relatives., but it’s a bit late.

I do get how you can get really results focussed with relationships and why you want this for your DC. It never works approaching things like that though, you have to relax and take it as it comes. You can't force a relationship that's not working.

I thought you were going to say you both had babies. You've had 11 years of parenting to try to forge a closer relationship - what prompted you to bring this up now?
I'm another who's confused about how you'd think the kids would grow up close when you aren't close to their parents. That only happens when the kids are in a position to build that relationship themselves surely - school friends or neighbours. To forge a relationship between an 11 year old and a 2 year old, that means forging family relationships.
It doesn't read that you like your SIL at all. And you aren't giving her a chance to like you if you're performing your way through meetings with them, have never invited them over etc. How, practically would you see things changing?

there isn't really a "family home" for us to all visit at Xmas and birthdays type thing, so we've never been able to really get close without inviting each other over our houses but we're not close enough to do that...

How does this align with your DH's suggestion to share the school run, if you are not close enough visits?

I don't agree with you, OP. Why should your children be close when you are not close to their parents? That was on you and your brother to make a good relationship and, for whatever reason, that wasn't achieved.

You can want closeness but you can't have it. I'm in agreement with your brother there. This is something you want for your children, not for a relationship with your own sibling.

We might not be close to my brother but I feel the children should be given the opportunity to be friends!? If they're not willing to do that then surely they're in the wrong?

No they’re not in the wrong just because they’re not dancing to your tune

You can’t force this OP. It might not be how you wish things were but you need to let it go.

Many of us grew up only seeing cousins at weddings and funerals and that’s life, we all managed just fine.

I think I asked this already, but why now? Your oldest is 11, theirs is 6, why didn't you start trying to forge those stronger relationships 6 years ago? Or 11 for that matter?
Ultimately though you can't force people to have any kind of relationship with you if they don't want to.

Up until my oldest was about 5/6 we lived in a different area.
We then moved back to our home town where my bro and SIL also live. They had their first DC at this point and it was then that I realised I wanted another child. So we fell pregnant and had our girl who is only 18 months younger than their girl.
Since then, so 6 years I have wanted to get closer to them. They did see us a bit more back then, not as much as I wanted but way more than we see them now.
Then since they've had their youngest DC and it's really shown me that they are similar she's to my youngest, they're 2, 4 and 6. To me this is the perfect little cousin gang.
But for whatever reason they now barely see us. So I got upset at Christmas and said how I felt and my brother brushed it off, claiming we've never been that close and he's happy if he just sees us when he sees us, I.e. don't plan anything in!

I can see both sides although I don’t understand them not wanting their children to be surrounded by cousins.

If you’ve not been close for a while and the friendships between you all don’t flow easily, it may be an issue of finding time.

I would start small. Perhaps you could offer to take your DN for a play date and dinner. Then just have an easy chat on the doorstep when you drop them off. Be the first to breakaway. Let the relationships develop over time. Don’t even expect DB and SIL to host the next play date, just offer a second. “Teddy had such a lovely time playing with Alice last month, would she like to come over again”?

Then after a while you could move on to a picnic and rounders in the park with all the adults or something. Or you all go to the cinema to see the new Disney film and get pizza after. Small, low effort activities.

Often meeting at someone’s house is quite intense when you’re building relationships as there can be a pressure to make small talk and there’s no easily defined end time.

I used to spend time with my female cousin (she's 3 weeks older than me) but we had zero in common and as we grew into teenagers, didn't spend time with each other at all. You can't force kids to get on with each other and in any case, your brother and his wife just aren't interested. Their kids probably already have plenty of friends.

You need to listen to what he's saying OP. You don't have to be happy about it, but he clearly doesn't want a closer relationship and that won't change. The more you push the more he'll put up boundaries. Time to build your village elsewhere.

ETA - no they're absolutely not in the wrong for not wanting to build the relationship. This isn't a case of right and wrong.

You are really not getting it. There is not much of a relationship between you and your brother or your respective partners so why do you think that you should have access to their children just because you now want this?

I said the same to my brother when he had children, that if he didn't make an effort for a relationship with his siblings then he couldn't expect everyone to fawn over his kids. He listened and made the effort.

It sounds like you've created this fiction in your head of what life could or should be like, with the 'perfect cousin gang' that is so far removed from the real family dynamics you've got at play. It isn't going to happen when you aren't close to your own brother.
What would probably be a lot healthier is to work on the best possible outcome within the relationships you do have. That isn't going to involve car pools or the kids frolicking in meadows with lashings of ginger beer, but if he was happy to you could work with with your brother to build up a step - the occasional family meal in a pub with a playground perhaps.

Even if you spent more time with your brother, you can't safely assume that your children would be close friends. So long as they have friends, does it really matter?

You can't manufacture this. And the children aren't really age compatible.

We made huge efforts when our dc were young to ensure they knew their cousins. Both me and dh never had that due to mine emigrating and family falling out dh side.
We had some good times with our kids and their cousins. Tbh now they are adults they make no effort to keep in touch with each other

OP it won't do you any good to dwell on whether they are in the wrong. Not all families are close and they have made it clear that they don't want to be. You can't change that, you have to find a way to make your peace with it.

Focus on the people who you are close to regardless of whether they are family or not.

I agree with all of the posts since you posted at 12.42 @Mintoip , especially @BarbaraHoward 's post at 13.21 and @PinkArt 's at 13.30

You've made us some sort of fantasy of this 'cousin gang' in your mind which isn't going to happen as you clearly don't like your SiL and you have been doing weird showing off when you have got together (by your own admission).

It isn't your DB who is wrong at all.

@Mintoip I think you might be right, I think I have imagined this picture of everyone being best friends and that's just not the case and never will be.

I think, if I'm honest, I am jealous of my SIL. There I've said it.
I think it's because I know she's married to a good man, and I question whether I am at times but that's a whole other story for another day.

I need to raise my self esteem somehow. I think the cousin thing is just the top of the iceberg..

I meant @BBQPete

Sometimes siblings and their partners just don’t have much in common. My DH has several siblings and although I like them all, I only see one of them as a friend. I wish the others well, but I’m not particularly interested in them if I’m completely honest.

Perhaps that’s nasty but that’s how I feel.
I expect they feel the same about me!