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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

SIL and DBro don't want to be close..

129 replies

Mintoip · 23/01/2025 14:57

My DBro is a couple of years younger than me. We're all in our thirties (including his wife and my husband) and we all have kids of a similar age. We live in the same area as well.

I put it out there at Christmas that I wanted our kids to be close growing up.
Me and my bro have never been the closest and our partners have never really hit it off either. No one is unpleasant but I guess we just don't really gel particularly as friends type thing. When we see each other at family occasions it's kind of small talk-y but always pleasant and everyone seems happy to see each other.

Anyway, I feel quite hurt my DBro basically brushed this off at Xmas, he basically said he thinks we've never been that close so hasn't thought much of it and we'll see you when we see you type thing. I guess he's right that we haven't been close, but I feel like we should all make the effort for the kids sake!?

AIBU?

OP posts:
JessicafelloffTheKnappett · 04/02/2025 17:58

Mintoip · 04/02/2025 17:31

No, I get it now... I have, over the last few days and since writing my last reply, had a good think about everything and even asked for my best friend's (very honest) opinion.

I think I have confidence issues which stem from my shyness as a child. I think I was also used to being the high achiever as a child compared to my brother, and I guess I always thought my DBro wouldn't do as well as me in life, as harsh as that sounds it was maybe a subconscious thought of mine. Seeing him blossom and get a beautiful wife, whereas I have struggled a bit in life, not in my career so much, but I had a baby quite young when it wasn't planned, and dealt with issues around my DH, his drinking and his behaviour towards me at times, and I have come a little obsessed with my brother and his "perfect" family.

I think over this time I have been nervous/excited to spend time with them and have acted in ways which haven't been welcome, e.g competitive, showing off etc. So understandably they have been put off. I've also got a bit jealous of my niece and nephew's relationship with their cousin. As in what's so good about their cousin and not my kids!? Type thing.

Because of this I have acted badly, e.g around Xmas inviting myself over their house which I wouldn't dream of doing to anyone else!

I have decided to have some counselling relating to my confidence and I feel this post has been helpful to me. Any tips would be welcome!

This is a searingly honest post, I really commend you on your introspection @Mintoip ❤️ 💐

It sounds like you would benefit very much from counselling, but don't be too hard on yourself - Take care.

Frangela · 04/02/2025 18:05

Mintoip · 30/01/2025 14:13

I know I shouldn't have said anything to my brother, and I hadn't for the 4 years running up to Christmas. But I heard from my dad that he was going over my brothers house at Christmas and so I text my brother so say we were going to come over too.
This is when I got a shitty reply to say that he didn't want loads of people over and it wasn't my plans to make. So I came out with it and said is it that you don't want us round? Don't you want our kids to be close type thing.
I probably shouldn't have invited us over, but it was my only way of trying to get us all together. I've learned now not to bother trying again.

But wouldn’t a more obvious move have been to invite him and his family over to your house, rather than announce, uninvited, that you’re showing up at his house on Christmas Day? I appreciate you sound as if you’re thinking through your own motivations very honestly on this thread, but a text saying ‘I’m coming to your house on Christmas Day’ is an odd thing to think of as the only way to get close to your brother and SIL. I mean, it could be seen as more of an act of aggression, if anything!

outerspacepotato · 04/02/2025 18:10

Counseling can help you look at your goals and help you reset your expectations and explore what will work and find solutions.

You've really done well in taking in the negative feedback and reflecting and wanting to make changes for yourself. I hope counseling gives you the tools you can work with.

PinkArt · 04/02/2025 18:49

Any tips would be welcome!
I would say just go into counselling with as much emotional honesty as you have here. You seem incredibly, refreshingly, open to looking inwards at what's really going on with you and with professional guidance that's got to be a great combination.

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