SIL and DBro don't want to be close..

[Mintoip]

My DBro is a couple of years younger than me. We're all in our thirties (including his wife and my husband) and we all have kids of a similar age. We live in the same area as well.

I put it out there at Christmas that I wanted our kids to be close growing up.
Me and my bro have never been the closest and our partners have never really hit it off either. No one is unpleasant but I guess we just don't really gel particularly as friends type thing. When we see each other at family occasions it's kind of small talk-y but always pleasant and everyone seems happy to see each other.

Anyway, I feel quite hurt my DBro basically brushed this off at Xmas, he basically said he thinks we've never been that close so hasn't thought much of it and we'll see you when we see you type thing. I guess he's right that we haven't been close, but I feel like we should all make the effort for the kids sake!?

AIBU?

I would have liked my BIL's youngest (son) to have a closer relationship with my son, as they're only a year apart in age. We have tried, but they don't seem to be interested in our son's forging a friendship. They have 3 older daughters, and again they were never really interested in them forging any kind of relationship with us. We see them for each of the kids birthdays and at Christmas. It's sad but that's how it is. You may want a closer relationship with your brother and his children, as your children are cousins but he's simply not interested. Unfortunately, it's just something you have to accept.

I guess I have to accept it but I can't help but think it's because they think they're better than us. I'd say we earn similar amounts but they're very particular in terms of their decorating and stuff whereas we're just more laid back. SIL is also a bit of a clean freak. She probably thinks my house is dirty compared to hers.
I feel like they look down on us a bit and possibly my son's behaviour because of his ADHD. I think SIL is one of these lucky mums that has good kids and is very maternal.

The problem we have as well is mine and my brothers parents aren't together and they both live in small places so there isn't really a "family home" for us to all visit at Xmas and birthdays type thing, so we've never been able to really get close without inviting each other over our houses but we're not close enough to do that...

I guess I need to accept it but at the same time I feel a bit pissed about it iyswim?

Your last post reads that you don't really like them

Since you’re not close to your brother, your kids aren’t going to be close to their cousins - how could they ? Relationships between cousins are usually fostered through family gatherings, outings, visits, etc - this doesn’t happen with you and your brother and if you only get together so the cousins can play together, everyone is going to end in uncomfortable. Your 11 yo isn’t going to gel really with his 6 yo cousin anyway - 5 yrs of age difference. Cousins aren’t missing out by not having a relationship with one another.

Your nieces/nephews obviously see your SIL’s family more because she has good relationships with her siblings. You don’t seem to like your SIL - calling her a clean freak and being particular about her house - so what if she is.

I wonder if it came across too manufactured? Closeness is an outcome...not an action and If a family member said to me "I think we (or the kids) should be close" or "wouldn't it be nice if the kids were close" I would think it was an odd thing to say. Closeness comes from shared experiences over a long time and all sorts of things. It makes sense that you said in a later post you were jealous of the other cousins relationships because it comes across as that you want the end result (the metaphorical Instagram post) and are not considering the journey.
If you want them to be close, invite the kids over more, ask them to meet up at the park, show kindness and I'm sure they will show it back and slowly over time closeness builds.

Also you only mentioned the effect of your child with ADHD on other children and not on adults. This is important too.

Truth is, none of you like each other very much. You’re flogging a dead horse. Keep up the polite occasional visits and you might find the cousins forge their own relationships once they’re old enough to meet independently.

It just doesn’t sound like you’re close and actually at 11, 6, 4, and 2 your dc really aren’t that close in ages, except maybe the 2 middle girls. If they become close, it will probably be when they’re older, teens and young adults when they can actually hang out together independently. You could always offer to have their dd over for play dates without parents if you think the girls will play together nicely. You can do that without having a close relationship with their parents.

Maybe you need to take small concrete steps rather than trying to say I want put this relationship on a different footing … invite them to lunch, go on an outing together, find something that all the kids will enjoy doing. Then do it again - don’t push for it too soon at the beginning. This is how you might become close, by seeing each other and having a good time.

so we've never been able to really get close without inviting each other over our houses but we're not close enough to do that...

Er, so you "want to be close" but don't even invite them over to your house ?

I was close to my brother until he married sil, then gradually she started to remove opportunities for us to meet, especially after their dc were born. I was hoping that their dc & ds would be close as his cousins on his dad's side of the family were adults when he was born. We only meet about 3 times a year, I honestly think that because she no longer has any contact with her family, she expects him to do the same. I speak to my mum every day, he only rings once a week & usually while he is out shopping so that she doesn't know he does.

I think they need to try too surely?
my SIL can be a bit stand offish....SIL is also a bit of a clean freak......SIL is one of these lucky mums that has good kids and is very maternal

I don't think I would want to be around someone who saw me in such a negative light. Instead of her being "lucky", could she just be a good mum? Could her parenting be any part of why her kids are "good"? Or is it just blind luck? Its such a negative and derogatory way of viewing her. Maybe she's a good mum who works hard at keeping a clean house because that's what she wants out of life.

Why should they try if its not something they want? Why should they give up their time and, I presume, money (petrol/entrance fees/snacks etc) to do something they don't want to do? If you want to facilitate a relationship between the children then why not offer to have them over? Parents do not need to come if they don't want to. You could build your relationships and they could continue as they are doing - everyone happy.

What about inviting their DD over to play with yours as they’re the closest in age? See whether they get on well and take it from there. if they want to spend time together, that would be a nice family connection.

Your 11-year-old is quite a lot older than their children so it’s less likely that he’ll bond with them until they’re all adults. Their toddler may not be ready for playdates yet.

Offer occasional babysitting that gives your brother and sil an evening out alone.

Or invite the little ones to your Dd's birthday party. All you can do is keep offering.

My sil was equally cold. She's very 'townie', we live rurally and she was horrified at the idea her dds might get muddy or go near animals.

The reason that cousins are close is because of the parents being close. If you don't have a strong relationship with the parents, it's not realistic to expect it for the children. Her family dynamic might be completely different to you and your brother, which is why they have a different relationship with the niece. I think if you want to be close, you need to try and do things together - invite them over and try and do things together. But if none of you like each other that much, it might not really go the way you want it to.

This comes across very intense

Hang on. You aren't the OP who was upset by the numerous attempts to tell DB and SIL on facetime you're pregnant are you?

You think they look down on you so it's possible that they realise this. If you judge them then you can hardly complain that they judge you.

Just because you aren't close doesn't mean that you can't still have a good relationship with them and enjoy the occasional times you spend with each other. Accept it for what it is and enjoy.
There is no need to feel sorry for your kids. They won't care or notice unless you spell it out for them.

That's what I'd do. Try to find something in common to do together. Not too big or frequent at first, then see how you go.

And I agree that you can't manufacture "close". But you can put in an effort toward a positive relationship.

I can see why you would like the children to spend time together and have a good relationship as cousins. I think the only way you can make that happen is to ask B/SIL if their children would like to be dropped off for a visit now and then.

There’s absolutely no point trying to force more of a relationship with B/SIL now. For whatever reason they are not interested.

Given the ages of the children I think you will have your work cut out finding something for them to do together and entertaining them separately would be like spinning plates. But I hope you can work something out

You are not close and you don’t really get along with each other so I don’t see why you want to force this. Chances are the cousins won’t get on particularly well either.

Op me and brother aren’t and never were close. He lives in his in laws area, they all see each other daily and all are happy family close close iykwim. Hilariously he sees my sister’s husband for matches too (and they live the other end of the country) so basically all of the kids in our family and his in laws family and sisters family except ours are close.

He has started making something more of an effort but nothing more than anything phone related but I’m ok with that, it’s something. I do get sad about it sometimes but if two people don’t make an effort it just will never work. I doubt it’s child related- I think you just never gelled so he just left it at that. I’m so sorry, hopefully someday something changes or clicks with him but until then just photos and updates by WhatsApp to keep him in the loop and get on with the rest of your life x

Why do you want to be close to someone you don’t like? It’s bizarre.

No this wasn't me

@TorroFerney I guess I want to be closer because I actually admire her, maybe I am a little green eyed because she seems to have everything together. Her kids see their cousin etc. I think that we don't really have our shit together in comparison.

I always try and impress them when I see them. I think maybe they take this as me being a bit show off-ish, competitive maybe!? but I feel like I want them to notice me, to think I am doing well too, type thing..
I dunno, it's all a bit complicated but basically I feel awkward how the cousins don't see each other and I'm angry that they have decided they don't want to see us.