To be a bit gutted about SIL's (lack of) reaction to pregnancy?

[ConkerGame]

Looking for some advice on how to handle this situation as it's getting me down and I don't want it to cause long-term damage in family relationships.

For full context, BIL and SIL are a few years older than us and have 2 DC, age 6 and 4. We have one DC age 2. We have always got on well with them - not super close due to living 1.5 hours away, but make an effort to see them, reacted with happiness when they announced each pregnancy, try to spoil our niece and nephew when we see them. We only meet up in person around 5 times a year, so it's normal to share news via FaceTime if not seeing one another soon.

DH messaged to say we had some news we wanted to share and asking to arrange a FaceTime. They would have known this was very likely to be a pregnancy announcement as we're already married, moved house last year, both in relatively new jobs, so not much else it's likely to be! They were slow to reply and quite non-committal on times, cancelled on us at the last minute first time we arranged. We eventually managed to arrange a time 10 days after DH's message - their choice of day and time. When BIL picked up, it was just him and he said SIL was busy doing bedtime. We said no problem, let's call you back in 30 mins so she can be here too. He said not to worry, he didn't know how long she would be and he would pass any news on. This was a bit deflating as we wanted to share our happy news with both of them, but it seemed odd to push it when he'd said no, so we announced the pregnancy to BIL on the call and he said all the right things - congrats, very exciting, the kids will be happy to have a new cousin, etc etc.

I expected to get a text from SIL later when she heard the news but...nothing! It's been two weeks now so it's not that she hasn't had enough time. I'm obviously happy and want to share the excitement with DH's family and she's the one I would usually message but it feels way too full on to message and check she's heard the news?! So now I'm left wondering - did BIL actually tell her? If he did, why is she not happy and why hasn't she congratulated us? Is there something wrong? And how on earth do I act when I next see them? (Likely to be early March so I'll be showing by then). The whole thing is just really weird and out of character. The only thing I can think of is that she could be having some sort of fertility issues herself, but then she does already have 2 children, which we happily celebrated with her, and would it really be too tough to just send a "heard the news from DH - congrats!" text? Or maybe to ask how I'm doing? She was really good with my first pregnancy so I was probably subconsciously expecting a similar reaction and the total lack of response has just left me feeling a bit...meh :-(

I know I can share my happiness with my parents and friends as well but family ties are important to me and she is the only other woman of our generation in either family, so I'm feeling quite sad that she doesn't seem at all interested or to care :-( Not sure how to handle this one going forward and any advice would be appreciated.

Maybe whatever she's going through is the biggest thing she's been through in her whole life, and maybe she keeps meaning to txt you but whatever is happening keeps getting in the way.

Im with you here OP. Please dont take this thread to heart too much, MN just likes to kick people when they are down. As someone who had fertility issues and 3 miscarriages I could still never treat anyone like this. I was in hospital suffering my 2nd miscarriage on the day of my SILs baby shower so I obviously didnt make it, but I still managed to message her to have a lovely day, even if it hurt me to do so. I love my SIL and we are very close so I couldnt imagine ever treating her like this. Its a simple 10 second text to say congratulations, even if youre struggling with it. It seems a little heartless to not congratulate a friend or family member on a pregnancy, even if its their 10th kid I still would. If its out of character for her then id cut her a little slack and just assume there is a reason behind it. Act normal with her the next time you see her, and just hope that she will come to terms with it and be more excited when baby arrives. Congratulations OP!

Just chill about it. Honestly people getting in a massive flap to 'share their news' is too much unless its a close direct relative (e.g your parents or own sister). A scan photo and text would be better or maybe SIL assumed BIL congrats would cover both of them? Just let it go.

This is all BS - I understand fully OP why you are upset. A text to congratulate is the least your SIL could do, whatever her current circumstances are. I'm sorry this thread has upset you more :-( You will know in time or get the vibe when you see them and all might become clear. In the meantime, please don't let this cloud your excitement and happiness at your wonderful news. I would hate for you to look back on this pregnancy in sadness for the lack of support from your (quite clearly) usually supportive family.

You are making way too much of this. I don’t even understand why you wanted to make such a huge deal of the announcement. Someone being pregnant with a second child is not particularly exciting for anyone other than the parents.

I would act as if she had congratulated you (perhaps she meant to but it slipped her mind) and just carry on your relationship as before, not dwelling on your pregnancy but not obviously avoiding it either. Even if her lack of interest is because of her own fertility issues, or even if, say, she had sadly just had a miscarriage, she will have to get used to the fact that you are pregnant. Since she already has two children it shouldn’t be such a big deal for her that you will also have two.

This ^. Sounds like a lot of drama, what with arranging appointments to Facetime to make "the announcement" and wanting to reschedule bc sil wasn't there. She's probably knackered and has her own issues to deal with, I am sure one "congratulations " from either of them should cover both of them. Don't make a mountain out of a molehill. Just be your usual self when you see her next. Don't expect to be made a fuss about.

Congratulations on your pregnancy

I’m sorry but what a palaver! You were making an absolute meal of an announcement that is obviously important to you, but honestly well down everyone else’s lists of top concerns.

Hold on hold on, have you thought about there might be something going on at there side? Marriage difficulties etc? You're just looking at your side of things? Maybe your SIL is caught up worrying about something else going on at home? Try reaching out with a text to her? Hi, how you doing?

Exactly.
I would probably be "busy making beds" as well.
Everyone is different.

I would message my sil who is with my brother but I’m not sure I’d message my dh’s brother's wife (who is still technically a sil). I guess it depends on how close you are.

I think the lesson to take from this thread is that any woman of reproductive age could be having some kind of fertility issue, and that needs to be borne in mind if someone doesn't react to a pregnancy news in the way the mother might have expected.

This should be happy news for the whole family, not just for me/DH - another niece/nephew/cousin in the family to love and enjoy the company of. 🙄

how to keep family relations positive during this time 😆

Does the last line of your address read " La La Land", OP?

Congratulations on your pregnancy! You never know what is going on behind closed doors and what else might be going on in her life, it may just not be something that will be at the forefront of her mind if she's dealing with other things.

I love my partner's sister, she's wonderful and we get on well but I definitely wouldn't and didn't expect a text from her when she found out we are expecting our second (although a bit different as I was there when my partner told her on FaceTime so she said congratulations then), regardless of that though I would've just assumed we'd chat about it when we next saw each other. Do you have a "texting relationship"? (Sorry that sounds silly 😂) if so the next time you message her about something else you could just drop something in causally like "looking forward to getting some tips from you on how to manage with two" just as an idea!

i think youre expecting too much

you start your post insinuating you're not that close but then are annoyed that they won't let you do a co-ordinated facetime announcement at your choice of time and audience?

I would only do that with my parents!

your pregnancy will never be as big news to anyone as it is to you so maybe stop forcing it to be?

Also OP I've just read your latest post, I'm sorry you've been having such a rough pregnancy so far, definitely don't worry about this situation just concentrate on looking after yourself and the little one(s), hope you start to feel better soon

OP everyone I know is excited to hear friends pregnancy announcements - you’re right that it’s just MN and people trying to make others feel bad for wanting to share their joy with others. As you said, BIL and SIL also shared their baby announcements with you on Facetime. I don’t think it was obvious at all that they were trying to avoid you and you should have read the room. If I was going through fertility issues, i’d certainly still take 30 seconds to message someone and say congrats. You’ve every right to feel a bit annoyed about it. Ignore all the posters here who just want to make you feel bad, it’s just the MN way, make people feel shit about themselves. No idea why people get pleasure from doing that online, but guess the world is full of different types of people. Anyway congrats, wishing you a healthy & happy pregnancy

You’ve wasted so much time on this thread just adding to your self pity picture in each post.
Please get some perspective. You will have 2 children who have a loving family around them.

You’re too intense and self involved. Even if your SIL hasn’t got fertility issues, she has a life and other things to think about. It may have slipped her mind. Second baby announcements are not as exciting for most people. You may protest that they are for you, sure, but you have to accept for most people, they are not.

Seriously, life is too short to worry about this sort of ridiculous stuff. Have you heard of the “Let Them” theory by Mel Robbins?
I’m going to assume not, but would suggest you look at it and change your approach.

Just calm down and focus on genuinely important things because you just sound really hard work and so ignorant.

This is a really shocking response to someone who has told you such a sensitive personal story. You don't seem to have any compassion for anyone else, so perhaps you're missing some clues or haven't behaved appropriately to them in the past.

I'm late to the post, but I'm really shocked at how many people saying the OP is in the wrong! Obviously everyone has their own opinions and ways of doing things, but I'm always excited when friends and family announce a pregnancy,whether it's their 1st, 2nd, or 18th baby. I'd also DEFINITELY phone/message to congratulate someone if I'd missed the actual announcement.

OP, I'd write this thread off as a bad job. There are some really awful posts and you can just sense the pleasure that the poster is getting from 'telling you how it is' (in their own disappointing life).

Whatever is going on in your sister in law's life at the moment, this was news that you expected she would be pleased about - and she hasn't responded as expected. Can you leave it a few weeks and then arrange to meet for coffee or something? Face to face is often easier for getting to the bottom of issues.

I think some posters have glossed over or just plain ignored what is a normal reaction in your family, they have projected their own and criticised you for expecting something else. That's their deficiency, not yours.

Hope your pregnancy goes well and that whatever blip this was, disappears.

To be honest I think your expecting to much from them. I can't say I have ever set up a facetime call to announce a pregnancy to family or even thought about it nor has anyone done it to us. It just seems OTT. I am sure they are happy for you but they have there own family and lives. I wouldn't send my SIL a message to say congratulations but it doesn't mean I wouldn't welcome another niece or nephew.

Or maybe they can't understand the need to 'announce' a pregnancy rather than just tell someone, I don't think we ever 'announced' pregnancies, just assumed that having told our parents osmosis would do the rest! It's not like we'd discovered a cure for a disease or done something really rare.

I wish people would realise that their 'announcements' about pregnancy and general information about their precious children is of no interest to other people - I know for sure that nobody gives a shit about my dc apart from me and occasionally, my dh, their father. This is normal.

I was upset as I thought SIL and I had our own friendship

OP, I felt that with my SIL in my first marriage, we were so close as we were the "outsiders" in the family as our husbands were very close brothers and the the 3rd brother was favourite son so his wife became favourite DIL too. We were best friends & had a lot of fun together. Anyway when my marriage broke up she completely turned her back on me & I wasn't the guilty party! You just never really know, I was devasted to lose her after 9 years.

If feel you are close, then just ring her asap, don't text . Call ,say hello and break the ice ,you might feel like it should be her that does it,but what if BIL didn't tell her? One of needs to take the first step it doesn't matter who it is as long as you do. You haven't fallen out there's just been a miscommunication, the longer you leave it the more awkward it becomes.

I really love the bit where OP says everyone should gather to hear her big announcements over FaceTime because the five year old got loads of attention over FaceTime for their reception class award so why shouldn’t she?