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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

To be a bit gutted about SIL's (lack of) reaction to pregnancy?

287 replies

ConkerGame · 22/01/2025 21:39

Looking for some advice on how to handle this situation as it's getting me down and I don't want it to cause long-term damage in family relationships.

For full context, BIL and SIL are a few years older than us and have 2 DC, age 6 and 4. We have one DC age 2. We have always got on well with them - not super close due to living 1.5 hours away, but make an effort to see them, reacted with happiness when they announced each pregnancy, try to spoil our niece and nephew when we see them. We only meet up in person around 5 times a year, so it's normal to share news via FaceTime if not seeing one another soon.

DH messaged to say we had some news we wanted to share and asking to arrange a FaceTime. They would have known this was very likely to be a pregnancy announcement as we're already married, moved house last year, both in relatively new jobs, so not much else it's likely to be! They were slow to reply and quite non-committal on times, cancelled on us at the last minute first time we arranged. We eventually managed to arrange a time 10 days after DH's message - their choice of day and time. When BIL picked up, it was just him and he said SIL was busy doing bedtime. We said no problem, let's call you back in 30 mins so she can be here too. He said not to worry, he didn't know how long she would be and he would pass any news on. This was a bit deflating as we wanted to share our happy news with both of them, but it seemed odd to push it when he'd said no, so we announced the pregnancy to BIL on the call and he said all the right things - congrats, very exciting, the kids will be happy to have a new cousin, etc etc.

I expected to get a text from SIL later when she heard the news but...nothing! It's been two weeks now so it's not that she hasn't had enough time. I'm obviously happy and want to share the excitement with DH's family and she's the one I would usually message but it feels way too full on to message and check she's heard the news?! So now I'm left wondering - did BIL actually tell her? If he did, why is she not happy and why hasn't she congratulated us? Is there something wrong? And how on earth do I act when I next see them? (Likely to be early March so I'll be showing by then). The whole thing is just really weird and out of character. The only thing I can think of is that she could be having some sort of fertility issues herself, but then she does already have 2 children, which we happily celebrated with her, and would it really be too tough to just send a "heard the news from DH - congrats!" text? Or maybe to ask how I'm doing? She was really good with my first pregnancy so I was probably subconsciously expecting a similar reaction and the total lack of response has just left me feeling a bit...meh :-(

I know I can share my happiness with my parents and friends as well but family ties are important to me and she is the only other woman of our generation in either family, so I'm feeling quite sad that she doesn't seem at all interested or to care :-( Not sure how to handle this one going forward and any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
willowbrookmanor · 23/01/2025 14:06

With every update, you sound very self absorbed, needy and dramatic.

Slothlydoesit · 23/01/2025 14:13

This sounds really mean, but I think it’s a bit self absorbed to make such a song and dance about your pregnancy. It’s very exciting for you, but I really think a text or a phone call between the siblings would be all that was needed.

It’s different when the baby arrives, I’m sure they’d like to FaceTime to see the new baby etc. I would feel bewildered if you were my relative, and I’m from a big close family with lots of neices and nephews and children myself. Everyone is busy when they have their own small children and other people’s pregnancies are either nice but a little bit boring or triggering and difficult, depending on your own fertility experiences.

If you don’t want to be a hard work sister in law you probably need to chill out about it.

ConkerGame · 23/01/2025 14:21

Is everyone missing the fact that they literally shared their news with us the exact same way?!

OP posts:
PeppyGreenFinch · 23/01/2025 14:23

ConkerGame · 23/01/2025 14:21

Is everyone missing the fact that they literally shared their news with us the exact same way?!

they’re ignoring it so they can keep up the kicking.

BettyBardMacDonald · 23/01/2025 14:27

ConkerGame · 23/01/2025 14:21

Is everyone missing the fact that they literally shared their news with us the exact same way?!

But people might not be in the same place as they were. I have some things going on in my life that are very distracting now; if someone wanted to Facetime me with some exciting announcement, I'd be less receptive than I would have been, say, a year ago. I just don't have the bandwidth. It's no reflection on them.

People don't exist just as an audience. They have their own lives to contend with. You can't expect a big hoopla over everything.

CagneyNYPD1 · 23/01/2025 14:39

gamerchick · 23/01/2025 13:00

Thing is, it doesn't matter what the reason is. Just there obviously is one and it's probably got nothing to do with you. You don't need to know what it is so you can judge whether you approve of that reason or not.

Just enjoy your pregnancy, don't dwell on this thing, which is nothing in the grand scheme and let things happen as they happen.

This. If you push this @ConkerGame, you risk serious damage to your relationship with your in laws.

Clearly there is something going on which is private to them. Drop it and enjoy your pregnancy.

gamerchick · 23/01/2025 15:00

BirthdeighParteigh · 23/01/2025 13:45

They obviously really didn’t want to FaceTime you to hear the inevitable pregnancy announcement. But you pushed it anyway and are now annoyed that it didn’t go how you wanted?

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Just don’t force anyone else into a video announcement - a text message is just fine.

Is going to carry on pushing it until satisfied. Then will come the big fall out, people will take sides and the OP may find herself having an unexpected lonely pregnancy if they're celebrated in the way that's been said.

If drama is what you want....

poemsandwine · 23/01/2025 15:04

BettyBardMacDonald · 23/01/2025 14:27

But people might not be in the same place as they were. I have some things going on in my life that are very distracting now; if someone wanted to Facetime me with some exciting announcement, I'd be less receptive than I would have been, say, a year ago. I just don't have the bandwidth. It's no reflection on them.

People don't exist just as an audience. They have their own lives to contend with. You can't expect a big hoopla over everything.

Exactly. I don't know how that is difficult to understand.

harriethoyle · 23/01/2025 15:31

ConkerGame · 23/01/2025 14:21

Is everyone missing the fact that they literally shared their news with us the exact same way?!

Are you missing the fact that the vast majority of people think you need to dial it back @ConkerGame?

SP2024 · 23/01/2025 15:40

I’d have thought it was fairly obvious there is a fertility related concern. Most likely a miscarriage. I’m surprised you didn’t read the room about that when they put off the FaceTime.

ConkerGame · 23/01/2025 15:44

I have got the message. To be honest I’m very shocked by everyone’s responses (although I should know by now that MN hates both in-laws and celebrating any happy occasion! 🙈)

I don’t know anyone IRL who wouldn’t congratulate someone on a pregnancy, at least with a short text message. It’s rude and hurtful, regardless of what you’re going through.

like everyone I’ve had tough periods in my life but have never used that as an excuse to actively try to rain on someone else’s good news. This should be happy news for the whole family, not just for me/DH - another niece/nephew/cousin in the family to love and enjoy the company of. It’s not a crime to be excited to share that joy with your relatives! That’s how I’ve felt about each of their children (and even smaller things tbh, like when they got a lovely new house or a job promotion) and think it’s very sad that so many people on this thread feel so little for their own family that they simply don’t care if a new member is joining or not.

tbh this thread has really upset me. I’ve had a shocking first trimester, still feeling really rough and dealing with numerous complications and was just looking for help (on a site for mums!) with how to keep family relations positive during this time but instead I’ve faced a kicking for the apparent crime of following the usual method of communication for DH’s family. Often mums get blamed for favouring their own family when it comes to kids but I actively try to involve DH’s and still get told I’m in the wrong. Really can’t win!

OP posts:
Disturbia81 · 23/01/2025 15:54

Your latest reply is all me me me. What about me. No empathy at all for what others might be experiencing. No thinking outside your bubble at all.

Sunnyplain · 23/01/2025 16:03

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Anxioustealady · 23/01/2025 16:16

ConkerGame · 23/01/2025 15:44

I have got the message. To be honest I’m very shocked by everyone’s responses (although I should know by now that MN hates both in-laws and celebrating any happy occasion! 🙈)

I don’t know anyone IRL who wouldn’t congratulate someone on a pregnancy, at least with a short text message. It’s rude and hurtful, regardless of what you’re going through.

like everyone I’ve had tough periods in my life but have never used that as an excuse to actively try to rain on someone else’s good news. This should be happy news for the whole family, not just for me/DH - another niece/nephew/cousin in the family to love and enjoy the company of. It’s not a crime to be excited to share that joy with your relatives! That’s how I’ve felt about each of their children (and even smaller things tbh, like when they got a lovely new house or a job promotion) and think it’s very sad that so many people on this thread feel so little for their own family that they simply don’t care if a new member is joining or not.

tbh this thread has really upset me. I’ve had a shocking first trimester, still feeling really rough and dealing with numerous complications and was just looking for help (on a site for mums!) with how to keep family relations positive during this time but instead I’ve faced a kicking for the apparent crime of following the usual method of communication for DH’s family. Often mums get blamed for favouring their own family when it comes to kids but I actively try to involve DH’s and still get told I’m in the wrong. Really can’t win!

OP, I'm currently pregnant with my first, but I'm not going to make a big deal of it at work because I know someone in the team has had a loss. Whatever I get from being congratulated, I don't want to cause them pain or sadness.

I'm showing more consideration to a colleague than you are to your SIL. You want a text message from someone, even if you think it will hurt them. I would just be happy that I'm pregnant and not feeling how she might be.

You're talking about her raining on your parade, but she hasn't done a single thing to you. She might just be busy and you're blowing this way out of proportion.

You've said everyone else has been happy for you, so why not focus on that, instead of 1 person who hasn't. As long as you and the father are happy, that's all that matters. Don't worry about everyone else.

Differentstarts · 23/01/2025 16:36

ConkerGame · 23/01/2025 15:44

I have got the message. To be honest I’m very shocked by everyone’s responses (although I should know by now that MN hates both in-laws and celebrating any happy occasion! 🙈)

I don’t know anyone IRL who wouldn’t congratulate someone on a pregnancy, at least with a short text message. It’s rude and hurtful, regardless of what you’re going through.

like everyone I’ve had tough periods in my life but have never used that as an excuse to actively try to rain on someone else’s good news. This should be happy news for the whole family, not just for me/DH - another niece/nephew/cousin in the family to love and enjoy the company of. It’s not a crime to be excited to share that joy with your relatives! That’s how I’ve felt about each of their children (and even smaller things tbh, like when they got a lovely new house or a job promotion) and think it’s very sad that so many people on this thread feel so little for their own family that they simply don’t care if a new member is joining or not.

tbh this thread has really upset me. I’ve had a shocking first trimester, still feeling really rough and dealing with numerous complications and was just looking for help (on a site for mums!) with how to keep family relations positive during this time but instead I’ve faced a kicking for the apparent crime of following the usual method of communication for DH’s family. Often mums get blamed for favouring their own family when it comes to kids but I actively try to involve DH’s and still get told I’m in the wrong. Really can’t win!

Im with you I can't believe how everyone on here is being. Not giving a shit about a new nephew or niece is crazy to me. We've all had struggles in our lives its no reason to lose all manners and not be happy for others.

Differentstarts · 23/01/2025 16:39

I'd love to see how this thread would of gone if it had been the sil posting as I bet everyone would of been telling her she's being unreasonable and why can't she just send a text and be happy for others.

LilacRaven · 23/01/2025 16:45

She might just not like you. Maybe she finds you really annoying, self absorbed and over the top and is trying to distance herself without causing conflict.

northernlight20 · 23/01/2025 16:49

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

AnAlpacaForChristmasPleaseSanta · 23/01/2025 17:06

@BettyBardMacDonald "You can't expect a big hoopla over everything."

Apparently you can...

Andoutcomethewolves · 23/01/2025 17:10

I don't understand all the (increasingly nasty, tbh) posts about 'nobody is interested in your pregnancy except you' etc etc. I'm happily childfree. I really have no interest in my friends' and family members' pregnancies, babies or small children (generally only really find kids interesting once they can hold a conversation!).

However - these are people I care about, and as it's important to them then I'm happy for them and will at least fake some interest! Isn't that just polite and normal?? You don't have to start whooping with excitement or crying tears of joy, but just a text to congratulate them on the happy news isn't hard, surely? It's similar with many things - I'm not hugely interested that Claire has a new job or Hannah is moving house or Steve got engaged but I'll always make a bit of chit chat about it, ask a few questions and be happy for them!

Possible pregnancy loss/fertility issues aside (as I can't pretend to understand how that could affect someone), I'm completely with you OP. And congratulations on your pregnancy!

DappledThings · 23/01/2025 17:20

like everyone I’ve had tough periods in my life but have never used that as an excuse to actively try to rain on someone else’s good news
This isn't what your SIL has done either. Not making as big a song and dance about something as you were expecting is not at all actively trying to rain on it.

I can't actually remember if I texted my SIL when she said she was pregnant. Pretty sure my brother told me by text and I replied to him. Means nothing about my relationship with either of them or my niece and nephew. I just didn't get all gushy about the pregnancy itself.

Differentstarts · 23/01/2025 17:40

DappledThings · 23/01/2025 17:20

like everyone I’ve had tough periods in my life but have never used that as an excuse to actively try to rain on someone else’s good news
This isn't what your SIL has done either. Not making as big a song and dance about something as you were expecting is not at all actively trying to rain on it.

I can't actually remember if I texted my SIL when she said she was pregnant. Pretty sure my brother told me by text and I replied to him. Means nothing about my relationship with either of them or my niece and nephew. I just didn't get all gushy about the pregnancy itself.

I think it does say a lot about your relationship your obviously not very close i txt, facetime, talk to my sil most weeks so it would be really odd if I suddenly stopped communicating with her when she announced a pregnancy. Like op said she has a seperate relationship/ friendship with her sil from her brother just like i do. We go shopping out for lunch to the cinema take the kids places. Look after each other's kids. A lot of people do have close relationships with family members so would find this reaction odd.

Livelaughlurgy · 23/01/2025 17:53

I had something similar. Something big happened in my life and my SIL life at the same time. I knew about hers she didn't know about mine. She told her husband she couldn't understand how rude and uncaring i was and I'm very grateful that he stood up for me and said Lives a good person and this isn't like her, there's a good explanation and it'll come out it time. I could have done without knowing about the conversation though, and living in ignorance that she thought I was rude and didn't make allowances for me based on my previous 15 years friendship.

Also I would love a FaceTime for any friends or family pregnancy announcements. And in general love an announcement for good news or achievements.

thepariscrimefiles · 23/01/2025 19:08

LilacRaven · 23/01/2025 16:45

She might just not like you. Maybe she finds you really annoying, self absorbed and over the top and is trying to distance herself without causing conflict.

I think that OP was just expecting SIL to react in the same way as when she announced her pregnancies to OP (also during a Face Time call), i.e. with pleasure and congratulations.

There have been some really unnecessarily mean and bitchy comments on this thread, including yours.

heroinechic · 23/01/2025 19:15

I really feel for anyone who says that no one cares about a second/subsequent pregnancy because that must have been their experience and that's really shit for them.

I've never found myself less excited for friends or family simply because it's a subsequent pregnancy. I'm currently pregnant with my second baby and everyone is just as excited as they were the first time round. Maybe I'm just one of the lucky ones!

I also suspect some kind of pregnancy related issue with your SIL if she's acting completely different this time. I'd not mention anything about it and just see how they are when you see them in March x

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