To be a bit gutted about SIL's (lack of) reaction to pregnancy?

[ConkerGame]

Looking for some advice on how to handle this situation as it's getting me down and I don't want it to cause long-term damage in family relationships.

For full context, BIL and SIL are a few years older than us and have 2 DC, age 6 and 4. We have one DC age 2. We have always got on well with them - not super close due to living 1.5 hours away, but make an effort to see them, reacted with happiness when they announced each pregnancy, try to spoil our niece and nephew when we see them. We only meet up in person around 5 times a year, so it's normal to share news via FaceTime if not seeing one another soon.

DH messaged to say we had some news we wanted to share and asking to arrange a FaceTime. They would have known this was very likely to be a pregnancy announcement as we're already married, moved house last year, both in relatively new jobs, so not much else it's likely to be! They were slow to reply and quite non-committal on times, cancelled on us at the last minute first time we arranged. We eventually managed to arrange a time 10 days after DH's message - their choice of day and time. When BIL picked up, it was just him and he said SIL was busy doing bedtime. We said no problem, let's call you back in 30 mins so she can be here too. He said not to worry, he didn't know how long she would be and he would pass any news on. This was a bit deflating as we wanted to share our happy news with both of them, but it seemed odd to push it when he'd said no, so we announced the pregnancy to BIL on the call and he said all the right things - congrats, very exciting, the kids will be happy to have a new cousin, etc etc.

I expected to get a text from SIL later when she heard the news but...nothing! It's been two weeks now so it's not that she hasn't had enough time. I'm obviously happy and want to share the excitement with DH's family and she's the one I would usually message but it feels way too full on to message and check she's heard the news?! So now I'm left wondering - did BIL actually tell her? If he did, why is she not happy and why hasn't she congratulated us? Is there something wrong? And how on earth do I act when I next see them? (Likely to be early March so I'll be showing by then). The whole thing is just really weird and out of character. The only thing I can think of is that she could be having some sort of fertility issues herself, but then she does already have 2 children, which we happily celebrated with her, and would it really be too tough to just send a "heard the news from DH - congrats!" text? Or maybe to ask how I'm doing? She was really good with my first pregnancy so I was probably subconsciously expecting a similar reaction and the total lack of response has just left me feeling a bit...meh :-(

I know I can share my happiness with my parents and friends as well but family ties are important to me and she is the only other woman of our generation in either family, so I'm feeling quite sad that she doesn't seem at all interested or to care :-( Not sure how to handle this one going forward and any advice would be appreciated.

Here are more posters who leap in with "I don't experience this...".

Tone deaf, completely irrelevant and I think you're just enjoying yourself by piling on.

I dare say I’m old fashioned, but booking a FaceTime slot to announce a pregnancy does strike me as OTT. Obviously it’s major lovely news for you, but I’d have thought a text or email would have done. TBH the news of a pregnancy is never going to be such a very big Thing to other people - except perhaps for GPs who thought it was never going to happen - and were hoping! - or after a long period of trying.

I assume that this post makes sense to you, you're probably in a majority of one!

I can't relate to the thread at all but I can see the piling on and it's pathetic.

I'd assume she's recently had a miscarriage because, like you said, it was obvious you were going to announce a pregnancy and they seemed to put measures in to make sure SIL didn't have to react in front of you.

You may feel disappointed but it would be extremely unreasonable and self-centred for you to push this.

I get why the OP is upset but I think some of it might be holding others to your subjective stanadards. I’d hate if someone sent my young child a card etc for an award as it would mean I’d have to do it back and I just don’t have the time or energy. I don’t want to have to go to the post office on top of everything else.

Second children just aren’t as exciting as first children for other people. Your SiL kids are at quite a demanding age in terms of homework etc.

You cant assume anything about people’s
life circumstances or fertility. It does sound
like BIL was trying to fob you off/protect his wife, when they were putting off the call you probably should have just texted. Maybe she‘a angry at you for pushing the call who knows. Maybe they are really busy and BIL forgot to tell her.

You have your own little family unit. Focus on that and your pregnancy. Focus on the positive! There is tons of that!

Congratulations and best of luck!

I’ve actually had quite a few issues already this time round (after a thankfully easy pregnancy last time) and would love to be able to talk about with her as she also had difficulties in her pregnancies.

Maybe she doesn't want to be your emotional support right now as she has other things going on in her life you don't know about.

We have always got on well with them - not super close due to living 1.5 hours away, but make an effort to see them. We only meet up in person around 5 times a year.

You have described your relationship as not being close. I think you are expecting too much and further pressure will disintegrate what relationship is currently there.

I wish you well with the rest of your pregnancy OP and that everything goes smoothly.

This is the most ridiculous comment iv read on this whole thread, and thats saying something 😂
Your DH only 'occasionally' gives a shit about his own DCs, wow, poor kids.
It might be the normal in your world for no one to give a shit about your kids but in the real world thats not normal at all. I feel sorry for you!

If you are not very close she probably thought that her husband congratulating you was from both of them and didn't feel she needed to do anything else. Or she may be waiting for the baby to safely arrive before being excited and congratulating you. I know my mother was more worried than happy when I told her I was expecting. It was a bit of a downer at the time, but she was happy enough when the DC were born.

Congratulations and I hope everything goes smoothly for you.

Absolutely, my bad (as they say) - that is why MN is full of the wonderful posts 'I love my stepchildren', 'I love my PILs', 'Please advise how I can persuade my new husband to spent more money on my step-children, he is a bit stingy, I think'. Also 'I would like my sister to inherit more than me - how do I go about it?' 'I am earning a bit more than my dear sister, I love her so much and I care about her children so much, that I would like to pay half of her dc school fees for her - how do I organise it without humiliating her?'

MN is based on the posts from lovely people who daily show how much they care about their own children (can't be fucked to pick up my dd from play date, she is 9 and sobbing and I planned a TV dinner), step children (My sd eats two punnets of raspberries - aibu to hate her?) and don't even start me on parents and PILs and siblings!

In other words, the world of MN shows so much care from so many people, that it never ceases to provide endless amazement for the unreasonable people like myself.

Let it go, it’s not overly exciting for other people tbh. & like others have said, you don’t know what they’re going through. Why has it bothered you so much? Can’t you just be excited with your own news and not judge.

This. OP you are being ridiculous.

Anyone other than my sister/ mum, I’d just text them with the good news. I’d probably get a short text in response then we’d chat about it when I see them.

She could be hugely busy with her older kids- more so than previously. Or as others have said there could be other reasons, she could just have moved on a bit with her life and how she sees pregnancy.

Don’t over think it, just go with the flow and wait until you see her.

Given everything you’ve said about SIL, I’d say it’s more likely marital issues going on.
If she feels like there could be a separation on the cards, it will be hard for her to engage with family without giving away her unhappiness.

Whatever it is, you say it’s out of chatacter, so cut her some slack!
Perhaps check in with her, without mentioning your pregnancy, and just ask if she’s doing OK.

Rather than ridiculous, I read that comment as a succinct tongue-in-cheek response by someone with a sense of proportion and ability to read the room.

I appreciate this has been done to death already, but you don't seem to be hearing people. I would say it's hugely likely she has fertility issues - 39 and with a five year old would be exactly when I would expect that, to be honest. She's either not conceiving or has had miscarriages and feels time is running out. They have very clearly made sure she's not on Facetime for this announcement so that she doesn't cry in front of you. I'm not sure how much more obvious they could have been.

When all my friends were having babies and I couldn't because of the medication I was on, I had no desire to be around them. I avoided a few meet ups because I just couldn't face seeing pregnant women and toddlers. It's not about you. I'm sure if you normally have a good relationship she'll be ok with the baby, but just have a bit of empathy and understand that she doesn't want to engage with you right now.

In the kindest way possible it’s your second child and I wouldn’t be arsed to be honest.

My best friend was really disappointed when she couldn’t pin anyone down for a baby shower for her second and really struggled to understand it’s not a big deal to anyone but you and maybe your parents after your first.

Whatever her reasons - if he has told her - your husband should be stepping up and talking to his brother about hurting your feelings.

I don't think you are unreasonable to have expected a text.

But try not to let this blow up. Her reaction to your announcement and how she will feel about your baby are not the same.

Just because she's not effusive doesn't mean she doesn't care. It might just mean she was really busy and then forgot. She may have been in the middle of an argument with her husband and they weren't speaking. You don't really know.

Maybe just send a normal text about something you'd normally message her about and take it from there.

Family is important and it sounds like you normally get on. There's probably something else happening that has nothing to do with how she'll feel when your baby arrives. Try not to let her poor response here make you feel she won't care and judge her on how she is with your current and future child rather than reading things into this that might not be there ( especially while feeling ill and hormonal).

This should be happy news for the whole family, not just for me/DH - another niece/nephew/cousin in the family to love and enjoy the company of.

I think this is where you’re going wrong. Not everyone feels that way. A lot of people just view them as their siblings kids. I nod and make the right noises but I genuinely really, really do not care. Especially when there’s already multiple of them. I would make effort to make an extra big deal if it was someone’s first, but after that I wouldn’t.

A lot of people don’t care about kids other than their own. I don’t.

No, she isn’t. I have posted in support of OP a number of times.

It’s not that difficult, the BIL and SIL like to share news via FaceTime (including pregnancy news), so OP and DH did the same.

For some reason OP is being piled on for it but the BIL and SIL are fine to do what ever they want.

This isn’t good advice. It likely to cause a huge row. What if the BIL says we’ve actually had several miscarriages and couldn’t face a call about pregnancy. Or we are under stress because of X and Y.

It does seem like the BIL & wife were trying to avoid the phone call. It also seems somewhat that the OP didn’t read the room & wanted a call partly because that’s what happened for SIL’s kids and she feels it should be the same to be equal.

The OP was presumably younger & without kids when the SIL were born. The SIL is in a different positon, she has kids she doesn’t have the same time or capacity to invest in a niece/nephew.

Maybe she is sad about her kids growing up, I know from friends people get funny about having to share grandparents attention. It wouldn’t be nice but bringing it up will
onlu cause a row.

I don’t agree at all with the level of comments about no one else is interested in your kids etc - that is a pile on and it’s not nice.

I can see why the OP is hurt. It is a bit odd that the SIL hasn’t texted but maybe as others said she sees the congrats from the husband as enough.

But I’d definitely leave it. Focus on the baby & your own celebrations, if the SIL joins when the baby is born great, if she doesn’t don’t let it take away from your experience.

There are billions of people in the real world, but sure lets base our whole opinion from what we read on MN. Of course, completely normal! Again, MN isnt the real world either

Yes. That's the real world not the MN universe

I've never experienced the non-interest that everyone talks about

Clearly not how it was meant at all from their other comments!