To be a bit gutted about SIL's (lack of) reaction to pregnancy?

[ConkerGame]

Looking for some advice on how to handle this situation as it's getting me down and I don't want it to cause long-term damage in family relationships.

For full context, BIL and SIL are a few years older than us and have 2 DC, age 6 and 4. We have one DC age 2. We have always got on well with them - not super close due to living 1.5 hours away, but make an effort to see them, reacted with happiness when they announced each pregnancy, try to spoil our niece and nephew when we see them. We only meet up in person around 5 times a year, so it's normal to share news via FaceTime if not seeing one another soon.

DH messaged to say we had some news we wanted to share and asking to arrange a FaceTime. They would have known this was very likely to be a pregnancy announcement as we're already married, moved house last year, both in relatively new jobs, so not much else it's likely to be! They were slow to reply and quite non-committal on times, cancelled on us at the last minute first time we arranged. We eventually managed to arrange a time 10 days after DH's message - their choice of day and time. When BIL picked up, it was just him and he said SIL was busy doing bedtime. We said no problem, let's call you back in 30 mins so she can be here too. He said not to worry, he didn't know how long she would be and he would pass any news on. This was a bit deflating as we wanted to share our happy news with both of them, but it seemed odd to push it when he'd said no, so we announced the pregnancy to BIL on the call and he said all the right things - congrats, very exciting, the kids will be happy to have a new cousin, etc etc.

I expected to get a text from SIL later when she heard the news but...nothing! It's been two weeks now so it's not that she hasn't had enough time. I'm obviously happy and want to share the excitement with DH's family and she's the one I would usually message but it feels way too full on to message and check she's heard the news?! So now I'm left wondering - did BIL actually tell her? If he did, why is she not happy and why hasn't she congratulated us? Is there something wrong? And how on earth do I act when I next see them? (Likely to be early March so I'll be showing by then). The whole thing is just really weird and out of character. The only thing I can think of is that she could be having some sort of fertility issues herself, but then she does already have 2 children, which we happily celebrated with her, and would it really be too tough to just send a "heard the news from DH - congrats!" text? Or maybe to ask how I'm doing? She was really good with my first pregnancy so I was probably subconsciously expecting a similar reaction and the total lack of response has just left me feeling a bit...meh :-(

I know I can share my happiness with my parents and friends as well but family ties are important to me and she is the only other woman of our generation in either family, so I'm feeling quite sad that she doesn't seem at all interested or to care :-( Not sure how to handle this one going forward and any advice would be appreciated.

I think it's fair to give a clear perspective that it is likely the SIL wants to be left alone. I think it's bitchy to post about SIL personal life on a public forum and discuss whether I think she has fertility issues just because I didn't get something go my own way. Each to their own.

I just can’t fathom why your happiness about your pregnancy hinges so much on a SIL’s reaction. You are pregnant, just be happy about it and enjoy it, why would an underwhelming reaction from someone else matter this much in your happy time?

Get DH to ring BIL and say - we are a bit surprised and sad not to have heard from SIL. Is everything OK? Don't want to intrude but OP sees SIL like a sister and would love to be able to chat to her about the pregnancy. But is worried that the lack of response means something is wrong.

Hopefully BIL will tell DH what's happening and that will make you feel better.

It may be that SIL isn't having fertility issues but is mourning not planning to have any more babies. No excuse not to congratulate you nonetheless but maybe she's a bit down.

Don't do this. You'll look needy and weird.

Just talk to her about your pregnancy when you see her. Others aren't that fussed about second babies.

Agree. Please don't make such a big deal about this. They've not ignored you. You can't always get the level of engagement from other people that you would like. That doesn't warrant a phone call like what's suggested by PP.

Also agree. If they are having issues the last thing they will want is to be put on the spot about it, they will speak up on their own time in their own way, just leave them be.

Omg strong agree. If she does have anything going on how bloody awkward for them to be called out on basically a non thing.

I think op obviously when you get pregnant it's super exciting and wonderful to you, but it's not necessarily that to other people. You've no idea what's been going on in their lives recently so rather than taking this personally I'd just accept that they have their reasons and trust that.

Of course it's natural to feel disappointed, but I think your bil has said and done all the right things so I would just leave it and continue as normal and I'd only talk about the pregnancy if they ask.

My guess is a recent miscarriage or secondary infertility which they don't feel ready to talk about yet. Definitely let it go. I'd measure it on how nice she's been to you this far along rather than on this one moment.

It's weird to not text at all, but I also think you are being a bit over-intense about your pregnancy.

Congratulations though and I hope all goes well for you both 😊

Not gushing doesn't mean not caring. There isn't a universal law for how people should react to things or whether their reactions are an indicator for how they feel simply because they are different to yours. But if you think that there is and this is enough for you to change your persepective of her, so be it.

If she was having a rough time or just thought she could congratulate you in person when she next saw you, that shouldn't get her labelled as rude.

Just because you think you'd know how you would behave when hard or any times happen doesn't mean that everyone has to behave the same way.

I find it sad that you seem to have written off your relationship over a text that didn't happen for reasons you don't know.

I find it baffling.

Noooo do not do this!!! Terrible advice

But this WOULD be intruding though...

There is kind of a universal rule about how to react though isn't there? Politeness and etiquette suggest that when someone tells you they are pregnant, engaged or got a big promotion at work you respond with "congratulations".

No response is a snub. It's rude and dismissive.

I agree with this but as I have said up thread, I strongly suspect that the SIL considers her DH to have responded for both of them.

It reminds me a bit of my SIL's pregnancy announcement in the opposite direction. She sat down both her brothers and me and her other SIL and said (not their real names) "Fred and George, I wanted to let you know that I am pregnant!"

I had no idea if I was expected to respond at all as I hadn't actually been addressed..

Don't take it to heart, my thoughts were that having a 4 and 6 year old can be pretty full on so home life busy, especially if you add work into the mix!

Agree with others re nobody makes as much fuss about a second child coming along, sad but true!

I also think finding time for a face to face to announce it can be tricky...

I honestly would not read too much into it and just enjoy your happy news - you are blessed ❤️

Totally agree with this. Also a pregnancy lasts 9months so I personally wouldn't feel the need to send a text. Id wait until I saw them next in person and make my congratulations then.

How did they react your first? If they were happy and excited, is there a chance something has happened. I know a good few couples having their last child at 39. Could she be trying or have had a loss

This is all very dramatic, she doesn’t want to engage at this point on uour pregnancy, this isn’t about you, or the baby, it’s about her, try to calm down, and give her some time,

As someone who has had several
miscarriages I’m pretty shocked at all these ridiculous posts saying she must of had a miscarriage hence her lack of response 🙄

sick of this assumption. Every time my friends announce a pregnancy I congratulate them and genuinely happy for them.

not all women who suffer miscarriages are bitter and twisted

It's OTT & thoughtless. Congratulations on your pregnancy but back off now.

I wouldn’t say I’m bitter and twist just every time someone close to me says they’re pregnant I have this drop in my stomach and an overwhelming feeling (I can’t explain it like I’ve been winded).

Once I’ve had a few hours (occasionally a cry depending how hormonal I am) the feeling goes away and I am honestly happy for them and I’m back to normal.

I don’t think this makes me a monster as it’s an uncontrollable raw emotion I experience. It’s ok if you don’t get this and I actually envy you but it doesn’t mean everyone else is bitter (they might just need a bit of time to process then come out the other side)

Someone's relatives pregnancy? It's hardly a friends second cousin twice removed, OPs baby will be their niece or nephew!

As for the bollocks about fertility issues, they already have children and it's not a free pass to rudeness anyway. Why does everyone act like oh she might have fertility issues, she can do literally anything she wants!?

So weird

You seem to not really care that your SiL might be having a difficult time. You could win here by showing some compassion. I’d call her directly to check in, say “I’m worried about you, it was completely out of character for you to not congratulate us, is there anything going on that I can support you with?”

You’ve got pet defensive, but honestly you’ve presented yourself as pretty self-centred.

I don’t think anything suggests she has fertility issues. I think she just thinks that her DH congratulating his brother and SIL on their coming baby covers them both, and is completely unaware the OP is expecting a further, individual congratulation.

Honestly, it feels a bit OTT. You are presumably happily pregnant with your second child, why focus so much on your SIL's reaction or lack of - I doubt if most people would notice tbh. If it was your sister or parent, then I would understand, but this fixation on SIL seems a bit weird to me. When I was pregnant, my siblings were thrilled, I don't think their partners said anything, I definitely wasn't expecting a separate congratulations/acknowledgement from them. I didn't regard it as cold or rude, or presume fertility issues - it just wasn't that big a deal.