Slept with the lodger - what the hell now?

[Idiotcentral]

Moved a man into my spare room a few months back. He is a family friend although I had not met him till last Oct. He is 10 years my junior, very likeable, we get along really well. As friends. Or so I thought till last night after waaaaaaaaaay too many drinks he pretty much kissed me and I did not object, we ended up in bed together. I am a single parent to a child who is thankfully in school today and no wiser as to what happened. It has not been awkward but it is NOT going to be a relationship. I do not want one and especially not with him however his lease agreement is in place and as he is not from the same country as I am and knows nobody else here he wont be looking to move out. He made a quip this morning before going to work about us being 'friends with benefits' but I have never done that before and not comfortable with that arrangement anyway especially with my teenaged child here but what do I do? Obviously discussing it with him is the right thing but we are both single, clearly attracted to each other and really do get along so well but shit we have now had sex. I dont know what to do from here. Bloody stupidity. Actually really annoyed with myself this morning.

Sorry, I've cross posted, only on page one.
I really don't like the term fwb, fwiw ! You say he joked about it the day after, which would give me the creeps. The term fwb suggests using each other for sex, like he would like sex on tap. Stuff that, it's your house, take control and throw him out, if you don't want this to continue.

Haha, this happened to me too. I was the lodger. I knew from the moment i went to check out the room that I really fancied him. His very friendly texts suggested the same. I moved in and we had sex the first night. The next day we promised we wouldn’t do it again. Then we did it again. Then we promised we wouldn’t do it again. And so on 😀😀. We were ‘sort of’ together for 2 years. Living togeher, eating together, but not in a proper relationship. He was not the man of my dreams and I know I wasn’t his, we were too different but omg I have such fond memories from that time with him. He was such a sweet man and he really thought highly of me. That ‘situationship‘ made me happier than I’ve been in many other relationships

so what happened in the end then?

Well his landlady behaved unprofessionally too. They were consenting adults and it happened. She doesn't want it to happen again and will say so. Not sure why people think this means he should be looking for a new home. If he ever tried it on again, after she sets new ground rules, that would be a different issue. But I hate the notion that women are not responsible for their actions when they get drunk but men are. OP chose to drink too much and willingly slept with her lodger. It's perfectly possible to draw a line under the event and continue living together if that makes financial sense for her and practical sense for him.

Not sure why people think this means he should be looking for a new home.

Is this a genuine question? It’s her home, if she wants him out, he’s out.

Well we did not get a chance to have the 'drive and talk' situation as something came up - not him before anyone asks 😆So we did the adult thing in front of my son and I went and got groceries in that we needed for tomorrows lunches (mne and my sons that is) and he went and got us all a takeaway for dinner this evening which the three of us had at the table as normal. Son went off to his room and we didnt chat about what happened just made brief references, watched a movie and some of the trump inauguration and he has gone to bed but he gave me a hug, kiss on the cheek and a fist bump so we are 'all good' as in friendship not ruined but not discussed anything else. I am sure he feels same as I do though. We are both very dedicated to our jobs and I know how long he has also been single so maybe it was almost like an ice breaker of sorts even if he has lived here months and our families are close friends. At least things are as normal as they always were which is good. Not sure I regret it now really. I dont want it to be anything else and dont want to lose the set up we have and him and my sons friendship is also good so sex needs to be off the cards.

Result!

Thanks for the update OP. As long as YOU are happy with things, that is all that matters.
Remember though, that many people do take in lodgers, so if things don't work out in future, there are other options for him. Don't feel tied down because your parents know each other or he has a niche job!

Usually people here are up in arms over the idea someone introduces a new partner to their children after a months of being in a serious relationship

I’ve read all the updates to date.

On occasion, I’ve had sex with good friends, sometimes more than once, sometimes not, no intention of anything serious developing, without regret and it’s been fine afterwards. Enjoy it for what it was. I really don’t see why he needs to move out. Nor do l think you should be full of regrets.

Just ensure you don’t end up pregnant.

Congratulations on managing the situation like a pro.
Your last post definitely has a more positive tone.

I am not really sure I have to be honest. We are back to 'normal' as in no hugging or anything which we never did before but it has been a bit awkward. He assures me as I mentioned this morning when he was going to work that it is not awkward at all he is resetting himself having had too many wines at the weekend as did I clearly but I just felt I should say something as it is my home. Anyway maybe a few days and things will feel normal again but whomever said above about me wanting to sleep with him again was right. I had not actually thought about it till it happened but yesterday as I walked past him on the stairs I could have happily led him back to my bedroom. Fuck I do think I bloody fancy him now and I do not want to. I need to refocus on my life and stop thinking of his very hot body in my bed.

Sex always makes things awkward. Always.

Don’t rule it out, ye sounded like a couple ( except for the sex) before all of this happened, maybe it could work

The irony being I had mentally made a vow of celibacy for myself for 2025 having made a 'mistake' last year with a man. It could not work long term it really really could not. I am an overthinker. I need to steer clear of him for a few days I think. Easy enough as we both work etc and have hobbies outside of the home but it has felt like a relationship and now the waters have been muddied or dirtied or whatever the saying is. Shit.

Celibacy causes a nasty unwanted itch, not healthy and not normal. As for fancying him, l think regardless where you go from here, that’s a good thing. You've had sex with him and enjoyed it, surely it’s better to have had sex with someone you fancy, rather than didn’t.

Just make sure you don’t get pregnant.

You've really got to get a grip. Go out with a girlfriend expand your social life. Keep busy. He's no ordinary lodger but a family friend. You risk the friendship of two sets of parents.

My pregnancy days are over for sure, I am the wrong side of 40 thankfully for that to happen. Yes I suppose it is better to regret something you have done rather than something you have not. I just want to have not done it so things could go back to normal but I suppose realistically speaking it was always going to happen. I think we have both actually been flirting subconsciously with each other since day one.

I have a decent social circle. I see my friends quite a bit and have a job and hobbies. We do live under the same roof though so never going to be able to totally avoid each other. We have both been invited to a party this weekend. I am now thinking I might not go and let him go by himself instead. Might be easiest.

Agree, for the moment until you are fully sure about where you want this to go, I would avoid situations with him where a lot of alcohol might be involved

Please relax OP, parental friendships are really not your concern. You've had sex with someone you like, someone who has not treated you badly. There is nothing wrong with sleeping with a good friend when both are single. Where you go from here is down to you.

Oh he has 100% respect for me and I for him, that is something we both know without asking or discussing. Maybe I just do need to avoid him for a few days and reset things in the home and it will be fine although even writing that I think now I am deluding myself.

Is your lodgers time in this country for work coming to lend any time? I can see you would both enjoy a sexual relationship but when it’s time for him to go back home, how will that leave you and your son? It’s tricky you’ve kind of got sex on a plate in your own home with no responsibility. I can see how alluring that could be.

I’m still struggling to see why you think seeing if there could be something there is such a bad thing.

i’m not saying throw yourself all guns blazing but you sound like a lovely person, he sounds like a lovely person. Isn’t that how relationships start?

So you've something like a 12 year age gap?

That isn't the end of the world, but the crux is if he would want his own children in the future. He's plenty of time for that to happen with someone.

I think the only way forward is a very serious chat about how he sees this, how you see it, and where it's heading - either him out the door at some point or a friendship where the 'fling' is forgotten.

And-said gently, quite a few women in their late 40s do get pregnant so unless you're on some kind of contraception/used condoms, check yourself out.

What actually is the problem with continuing a sexual relationship with him?

What puts you off / are you afraid of?