Slept with the lodger - what the hell now?

[Idiotcentral]

Moved a man into my spare room a few months back. He is a family friend although I had not met him till last Oct. He is 10 years my junior, very likeable, we get along really well. As friends. Or so I thought till last night after waaaaaaaaaay too many drinks he pretty much kissed me and I did not object, we ended up in bed together. I am a single parent to a child who is thankfully in school today and no wiser as to what happened. It has not been awkward but it is NOT going to be a relationship. I do not want one and especially not with him however his lease agreement is in place and as he is not from the same country as I am and knows nobody else here he wont be looking to move out. He made a quip this morning before going to work about us being 'friends with benefits' but I have never done that before and not comfortable with that arrangement anyway especially with my teenaged child here but what do I do? Obviously discussing it with him is the right thing but we are both single, clearly attracted to each other and really do get along so well but shit we have now had sex. I dont know what to do from here. Bloody stupidity. Actually really annoyed with myself this morning.

Honestly I've read why you think this is a huge awful predicament but from everything you've written about his character and your attraction to him I'm leaning more towards telling you to embrace what's happening.

Isn't it obvious? FWB usually ends in tears. She's said they are wonderful friends anyway, and the sex has complicated matters.

In these instances, someone usually ends up hurt because one person wants more than the other.

If both of them can accept it's a dead-end as far as a long term/permanent relationship goes, fair enough- but they have yet to have that conversation.

OP has a child who's 17.
The lodger is just 37.
If he wants children of his own what happens next?

If he pays his rent, keeps his room clean, and is a decent shag, I can’t see the problem. 🤷‍♀️

This jumped out at me, too. And "To the outside world we look like a family". This is a stranger you only met 3 months ago who is now welcomed to eat with your child every night.

He needs to move out.

From your comments I think you do actually want a relationship with him, but either past experiences or your son are putting you off. He clearly sounds attracted to you physically and mentally. Ask yourself what is really holding you back - 10 Yr age gap is nothing really between 2 adults and he is considerably older than your son and sounds like your son will soon be heading to university. I appreciate its awkward but maybe you should let this play out and see where it lands even if it is just fwb. You are aloud to have fun and enjoy yourself even if you are a mum.

Why is it you are so certain that you cannot have a relationship with him?
Sounds like you two would be great together!
Go with the flow, I say!

It was a really fool8sh thing to do but you realise that which is good, we all make mistakes. This expectation of friends with benefits is a red flag. He needs to go. It's easier to evict lodgers when they actually live in your house.

I honestly don’t think it’s very fair asking him to leave. You are both adults and surely you can both be mature about it. What happened happened, if you don’t want it to happen again then say that, have a conversation and move past it.

The child is 17! He's probably having sex himself by now.

I think don’t panic yet. It’s kind of embarrassing when you do something drunk that you wouldn’t have done sober. The age difference isn’t the worst. I would leave it a few days think it over and wait and see. Fwb may be a bonus. But could be awkward if you fall out of it etc. If not just have the how did that happen,never again conversation/when are you moving out? As being around him with sexual tension could be tricky.

Calm down. From the rest of her comments he isn't expecting or demanding a fuck every night at all and she clearly fancies the pants off him. I think it's more worrying why she seems to think she can't or shouldn't have sex or a relationship. She also doesn't sound at all scared of him and has said he is kind and respectful just feels awkward after they had sex 🤷‍♀️

Good grief, whatever happened to emotional intelligence? At least have an adult conversation with him about it, see what his thoughts/feelings are and then think about how you are going to manage this moving forward.

if your lodger is making quips about being FWB then your teenager is going to know what’s going between you both.

Tell him it was a mistake and won’t be happening again. Tell him you want to keep things on a more professional level so you’ll need to stop socialising with him. Stick to it.
Maybe he was hoping for a rent reduction! 🤣

I think there is a bit more to this than the OP is saying- or at least has hinted at.

@Idiotcentral Are you and this man from a different culture to the UK? You've already said that you've drifted into the expected norms of your culture where the woman does the cooking (hence he's joined you for family meals since he moved in) and the men do 'other chores'.

Is this somehow proving to be another barrier to you having a relationship with him- this cultural aspect and the age difference?

Because although you keep saying a relationship is 'no go' you've not exactly said why (other than you made one mistake last year with a man.)

And?
Was that said within earshot of the son?

The teen is 17 and maybe has an active FWB life anyway.

Are you saying almost adult children should not know their mums date or have a boyfriend?

100% … 10 years younger and from another country. She has a house and single mother. Complete easy target and another one who doesn’t question what he’s really after!

I’d question if he has an ulterior motive tbh.

Sounds like you both ‘like’ each other.
Why could it never work out? Curious.

"BabyGirl"? Yuk.

OP ur son is 17 nearly 18 different if he's like 12 obviously what happened would not be flaunted in front of him. The main question is did you enjoy it? Was it fun? I mean that in the sense of the age gap between you isn't that bad hes nearly 40 your nearly 50 loads of people out there like that. If you don't want a relationship thays fair enough but where is the harm in letting your hair down so to speak every so often if you work hard raised your near adult child well I dont see the problem. If you do want him to move out I would give plenty of notice and also to ur son also that lodger is thinking about getting his own place or whatever just to plant the seed. Time heals most things I dont see why u can't just say we where both a bit drunk I get the joke about friends with benefits but im not after that or a relationship just want to make it clear. Let's just keep it a private joke between us but I dont want that to happen again or you will need to move out?

I don’t understand why you are so adamant it won’t work out, there must be a reason/reasons? What are they exactly? Or are you just fearful?

If he's going back home to a different country afterwards why didn't you just enjoy it while it lasts (as you know it will).

As far as your teen's concerned be discreet!

I'm still trying to work out why anyone would issue a lodger with a LEASE!

"Will he be starting to expect OP to cook for him, do his cleaning and washing?"

Christ, is that the price women have to pay these days for a bit of sex?