Slept with the lodger - what the hell now?

[Idiotcentral]

Moved a man into my spare room a few months back. He is a family friend although I had not met him till last Oct. He is 10 years my junior, very likeable, we get along really well. As friends. Or so I thought till last night after waaaaaaaaaay too many drinks he pretty much kissed me and I did not object, we ended up in bed together. I am a single parent to a child who is thankfully in school today and no wiser as to what happened. It has not been awkward but it is NOT going to be a relationship. I do not want one and especially not with him however his lease agreement is in place and as he is not from the same country as I am and knows nobody else here he wont be looking to move out. He made a quip this morning before going to work about us being 'friends with benefits' but I have never done that before and not comfortable with that arrangement anyway especially with my teenaged child here but what do I do? Obviously discussing it with him is the right thing but we are both single, clearly attracted to each other and really do get along so well but shit we have now had sex. I dont know what to do from here. Bloody stupidity. Actually really annoyed with myself this morning.

Good god, you're a woman of nearly 50 that's shagged someone. Hardly reckless. You're making it complicated.

Sit with him, have a chat, tell him were you stand and what type of relationship with him you want in the future, be polite, honest and direct. Move on.

He has got to go. Personally, I wouldn't have a male lodger living in my home with my DH here, let a lone as a single woman with a child. Yes it's sexist but I don't care. In future, look for female lodgers.

OP, please stop beating yourself up about this.

You are an adult, you are allowed to have a few drinks, you are allowed to have sex without implicating yourself in anything ongoing, you are allowed to do things which in hindsight you think 'oops!'.

Likewise he is an adult, you have not exploited him or pressured him or made false promises. He has no grounds to expect anything ongoing.

Just say "Haha last night took an unexpected turn. But seriously, from my pov it has to be a one off. Far too much complication and we don't want our excellent lodger set up to go wonky, do we? So...friends I hope but no more benefits or either of us" Text it to him before the chat if it helps.

No she hasn't! That could totally happen. He could turn nasty if he doesn't get his FWB treats. You sound very naïve. Either very young, very little experience with men, or you're a man yourself.

Youre right. It is both funny and sad.

A lodger with a todger :)

You're both single adults, do want you want. It's no one's business but yours.
You can't have too much good sex, and if you aren't getting it anywhere else then go for it with him. But be prepared for creeping emotions, that's when it gets tricky.

I think 'hand wringing' is becoming one of the most overused, pathetic, naff cliches on Mumsnet at the moment. 🙄 There's no 'hand wringing' going on! Just worry and concern for the OP and her son. You might not give a shit about an unrelated male living with you who's expecting a fuck every night now, but some of us worry for other people, and not just ourselves, thanks very much.

Stop deluding yourself. It is blatantly obvious you want to sleep with this man again, and again, and again...
And you know what? There is nothing wrong about it. Go for it.
Life is short.

it IS 'complicated' when it's her lodger she has shagged!

I understand it was reckless but other than that, it sounds as though you get on very well.
I'm not sure the age thing really is as much of an issue as you are seeing it - and you're not really justifying why it can't work.
Your son is 17, not 7, so understands about relationships - and the lodger has been around for some time, so he's not a stranger.

It may be awkward but there don't seem to be any more reasons why this can't work as opposed to why any other type of relationship can't work.

A man in his late thirties is old enough to think about the ramifications of what he’s doing. If you like him and he makes you happy @Idiotcentral I would tell him it won’t work sleeping together going forward and just relax about it.

The OP is a mature grown up woman. The man is a family friend who has behaved decently for months and in no way co-erced the OP.

She has complete security of her own house, he has no rights at all. If he turned nasty, or she just wanted him gone, she could evict him, with the help of the police if necessary.

Which the lodger will not want given the family connection and his temporary work situation.

Plus the OP has her 17 yo son in the house. Almost a fully grown man.

This is not a man she took in from advertising the room on Gumtree, with no references and with a 3 year old child in the house.

Some of us have actually lived with many and various unrelated men, and occasionally even slept with them, so know that the likelihood is that there isn't anything to worry about bar a bit of minor awkwardness.

Wow 😂 I'm going to back away slowly with my hands in the air.

Just don’t wring them together whatever you do 🤣

Some posters would do well in chilling the fuck out a little bit. It must be exhausting to live in consumed by hysteria and paranoia every day of your life.

Nothing untoward has happened here. Two adult people have had sex. They had spent enough time together to get to know each other. Now OP seems to have second thoughts about this person. This is not sexual abuse or rape.

Relax.

🙄 Yeah we bow to your superiority and will do EXACTLY what you say, oh Great Wise One.

Or ya know, you could mind your own business and quit telling people how they should feel, and how to post.

You sound insufferable!

Gosh aren't you just sooooo amazing. 🙄

What-a-mistake-a-to-make-a!

Tell him it was a one-off so he knows where he stands.

Do you both come from a country where women are not supposed to sleep with anyone outside marriage? If so, no matter how friendly he seems it is likely that he will never respect you again. Perhaps the FWB has been in his mind for some time.

Again, give yourself a break! You're a single grown woman. You can do whatever you want 🤷🏻‍♀️ I don't think it's reckless at all. You probably feel embarrassed because it's so fresh. Give it a few days you'll feel much better.

Good luck with The Talk OP.

My heart sank when I read your title as I remember doing something similar ten years ago. I was hiding in my room posting on a forum about it too. Finally I texted him "we need to talk" so he'd be prepared then I blurred out "last night was a mistake, it shouldn't have happened. That's not a reflection on you but I regret it now."

He nodded and that (I thought) was it.

Except it wasn't. I hope it is for you as you seem to have a good thing going in the house but if he is now not respecting the boundaries in any way then you need to get him out. You need to feel relaxed in your own house.

Because some people can’t pay the rent or mortgage on one wage?! What an out of touch comment!

I'm a bit confused OP. you say the lodger is a family friend, but you didn't meet him until last October, and the lodger is "from another country, and knows no one else here."