Slept with the lodger - what the hell now?

[Idiotcentral]

Moved a man into my spare room a few months back. He is a family friend although I had not met him till last Oct. He is 10 years my junior, very likeable, we get along really well. As friends. Or so I thought till last night after waaaaaaaaaay too many drinks he pretty much kissed me and I did not object, we ended up in bed together. I am a single parent to a child who is thankfully in school today and no wiser as to what happened. It has not been awkward but it is NOT going to be a relationship. I do not want one and especially not with him however his lease agreement is in place and as he is not from the same country as I am and knows nobody else here he wont be looking to move out. He made a quip this morning before going to work about us being 'friends with benefits' but I have never done that before and not comfortable with that arrangement anyway especially with my teenaged child here but what do I do? Obviously discussing it with him is the right thing but we are both single, clearly attracted to each other and really do get along so well but shit we have now had sex. I dont know what to do from here. Bloody stupidity. Actually really annoyed with myself this morning.

Is his age the real issue? 10 years older than your son and you are 10 years older than that?

Dear lord some people on here are rude! What on earth has it got to do with you, other than the op does not want it to happen again??

I don’t think it’s rude to discuss someone’s relationship if they’ve asked for your opinion. OP obviously likes this young man. If you can’t see that from what she’s written I’m genuinely surprised.

Honestly, this sounds like a relationship, and better than many on here. I’m not surprised you had sex: it was the one boundary yet to cross.

I'm buying a hat already! I can hear bells!

Unsure why you are adamant it wouldn't work in the long term?

Why all the angst.

It was just a ride.

Well then fuck off of here? You're clearly too good and clever for us.

Give yourself a break. Sit him down for an honest conversation and be honest and firm with what you want.

You've still not explained why it definitely wouldn't work. I'm intrigued.

This. You keep saying all these positive things about him and then “but it just could not work.” You’ve not said why. He sounds great, but if you don’t have feel about him that way; then you can’t help that. He may only be interested in fun from his side anyway. I hope you manage to sort things out.

Don't understand the hand wringing over this. You get on well, you trust him. Just say 'ooops that went a bit far last night! Just to be clear that was a one off. Anyway, do you want spag bol for tea with us?'

Your son is 17. Without wanting to sound very weird, hopefully he has or has had a lady (or gentlemen) friend by now.

I'm sure he wouldn't want you to stay single just for him.

For goodness sake! You've described a very happy, comfortable HOUSEMATE situation. Have you no idea how many of us have shagged a housemate once or a few times?

You're supposed to enjoy it, have a bit of a think about whether the relationship could work as a sexual relationship (no, in your case), and agree between you on your ground rules.

He's already told you his preference - occasional sex, no other changes. If this doesn't suit you for whatever reason, you say so.

I'm not really seeing why you shouldn't carry on, but appreciate that everybody's different.

This is a very dramatic thread given that nothing noteworthy really happened. OP keeps talking about her predicament but there is none. You had drunken sex. It happens. You don't want it to become anything more. That's normal. You talk to him, lay that out, and it's up to him to be on the same page as you and respect those boundaries. If he's as great as you say then the likelihood is he will.

This kind of thing happens all the time in houseshares. I had a couple of drunken one night stands with a male housemate when I had just moved to London, neither of us wanted it to go anywhere long-term, we just put it behind us and lived together for another couple of years with no drama. Tbh by the time we both moved out I'd almost forgotten it happened.

By contrast a friend of mine slept with her male housemate as a deliberate rebound from her bastard ex and now they're happily married with a kid.

In all likelihood the worst consequence will be a raging hangover and a couple of days of awkwardness. Then you will both move on, as mature adults are able to do after a bit of fumble.

I also don't think there's anything wrong with eating meals together given that you're not actually strangers. It would be weirder to put up a no-socialising boundary with a family friend.

As for the ridiculous posters who think he has to move out immediately... just absurd.

He is 20 years older than my son - 10 years younger than me. My son is 17!

I think it's massively inappropriate to be having casual sex while your children are in the house.

You might think they don't know but children pick up more than you would think and it's awful for them

We've all done stupid things, so don't be too hard on yourself for this mistake.

It sounds like you have a good relationship (albeit the lines are well and truly blurred), so I'm hoping you can resolve this amicably and move on. You'll just need a short and frank chat to say this can't happen again, and if he's as good as I'm hoping he is, he'll accept that.

Lord knows he sounds a far better man that most that are discussed in MN.

Off to return my hat 😊.

He rang me about a delivery. We talked as normal. Only one comment made about last night, a 'in' type joke from something that happened before. So far not too awkward but I still have to see him later this evening.

....I rest my case.

He probably knows it was an error of judgement on his part as well and is trying to keep it light
I bet he won’t be home straight after work

Oh dear, the waters have definitely been muddied!
I know you say it couldn't work but you both enjoy each other's company etc. Are you sure that's not what you'd like?

BTW, not trying to derail the OP's thread, but slightly tickled by the fact that every lazy stereotype has been incorrect.
Man from overseas - must be looking to marry for a visa, live rent free, take all the OP's money abuse the OP and her child...
Of course, there was also the guess that OP, a single parent with a male lodger must be a desperate singleton in a council house...
Not a one correct 😕.
MN is an entertaining place sometimes.

I agree @Dweetfidilove . Of course in the absence of information we fill the gaps but it's funny (or sad?) that the assumptions are often so negative.

The phrase don’t shit on your own doorstep comes to mind!

I think now that line has been crossed and you both seemed to enjoy it then it’s pretty inevitable it will happen again if there’s alcohol involved.

if you definitely don’t want that to happen then I think he should move out.

We probably go against most things in the respect that he pays me enough rent for that one room to cover my full mortgage each month. What I am doing is saving it to put towards uni fees for my son as his father is not in the picture and does not pay maintenance so I had started renting out the room anyway a year ago to build up savings anyway and my parents thought it would be a handy extra few quid for me every month and they vouched for 'the lodger' themselves.

We are going to go for a drive this evening and have a chat so not in earshot of my son. Just a few texts back and forth since the call. This is the best thing for it I guess to be open about it all and discuss it like adults. Still a very reckless thing for me to do.