Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Slept with the lodger - what the hell now?

439 replies

Idiotcentral · 20/01/2025 10:04

Moved a man into my spare room a few months back. He is a family friend although I had not met him till last Oct. He is 10 years my junior, very likeable, we get along really well. As friends. Or so I thought till last night after waaaaaaaaaay too many drinks he pretty much kissed me and I did not object, we ended up in bed together. I am a single parent to a child who is thankfully in school today and no wiser as to what happened. It has not been awkward but it is NOT going to be a relationship. I do not want one and especially not with him however his lease agreement is in place and as he is not from the same country as I am and knows nobody else here he wont be looking to move out. He made a quip this morning before going to work about us being 'friends with benefits' but I have never done that before and not comfortable with that arrangement anyway especially with my teenaged child here but what do I do? Obviously discussing it with him is the right thing but we are both single, clearly attracted to each other and really do get along so well but shit we have now had sex. I dont know what to do from here. Bloody stupidity. Actually really annoyed with myself this morning.

OP posts:
Anxioustealady · 23/01/2025 14:48

Anyway. I should probably stop responding to this because I'm derailing the thread. I don't have any bad feelings towards anyone, but I won't change my mind on this. Good luck OP with whatever you choose to do.

StarlightLady · 23/01/2025 14:53

Anxioustealady · 23/01/2025 14:44

Don't patronise me.

No wonder so many children have mental issues when this is all accepted as normal, and saying I wouldn't want my children to hear me having a one night stand means I should go to therapy. Madness.

Show quote history

…and it is normal!

Mental health issues (not mental issues; that’s offensive) are caused by many things. Believing that sex is wrong or teaching children it is inappropriate does not help. A loving home is more important.

important issues are consent and understanding that sex is not something a woman “gives” to a man.

WhenSallymetBarry · 23/01/2025 14:53

Anxioustealady · 23/01/2025 14:44

Don't patronise me.

No wonder so many children have mental issues when this is all accepted as normal, and saying I wouldn't want my children to hear me having a one night stand means I should go to therapy. Madness.

Show quote history

You're muddling up different things.

No one is saying that adults should be inconsiderate and allow their kids to hear them have sex - whether that's after 30 years of marriage or a ONS!

The issue which many of us have pointed out is that you're wearing your judgy pants based on whatever upset you as a child. I said it begs the question why you were so upset then to hear a parent having sex. No child wants to hear their parents shagging. And as far as the OP knows, her son didn't hear.

if he did I doubt it will scar him for life.

You're accusing the OP of living like some 'loose woman' because she had sex with a man who shares her home, has become a friend, and is a friend of her family.

It's not someone she's met on Tinder and pulled into bed on a first date.

WhenSallymetBarry · 23/01/2025 15:00

@Anxioustealady If your parent brought home numerous random men or women and had noisy sex which you overheard, that's not good parenting.

Just like no one should have noisy sex that disturbs other people. It's just bad manners and inconsiderate.

But you need to be able to separate out your 'disgusted' reaction as a child and what the OP describes. It is not the same thing at all.

Voneska · 23/01/2025 15:19

The Lease Agreement is not worth the paper it's written on. Any Lodger in your house has ZERO rights. The only right they have is Reasonable Notice to quit. But seeing as this is an unreasonable situation where he took advantage of intoxication. I would give Written Formal notice. Like : Dear Mr X, I'm writing to you formally to tell you that , due to unforeseen circumstances, I will be needing your room back. Please vacate by 12 noon on XXXXX day / Date/ year. B. T. W. Giving a Lodger any written Lease agreement is a mistake because if you have to go and live elsewhere for any length of time he can take over the house, we'll he can take over the house legally anyway if you move out. Get a locksmith on standby for moving out day. The Law is on your side as you are owner occupied.

Nanny0gg · 23/01/2025 15:29

Anxioustealady · 23/01/2025 13:54

Lots of people disagreeing with me, that's fine.

I have been the teenager in this scenario and it made me incredibly uncomfortable in my own home, I still have bad memories of that time, and I wouldn't do it to my children.

And even if he's 40, he'll still be his mother's child, and no child wants to know about their parents sex lives. Hopefully he didn't hear, but he's not stupid and will notice comments/innuendos/tension between them.

Show quote history

I can see your point.

But others seem to think it's a grooming threat and just pointing out that it's a male 17 year-old rather than an eight year-old girl

OP has admitted that that side of it wasn't good.

StarlightLady · 23/01/2025 15:31

@Voneska - Where did the OP say he took advantage. It seems that the sex was passionate and with consent. They both had sex and she says she enjoyed it.

Umidontknow · 23/01/2025 19:16

Voneska · 23/01/2025 15:19

The Lease Agreement is not worth the paper it's written on. Any Lodger in your house has ZERO rights. The only right they have is Reasonable Notice to quit. But seeing as this is an unreasonable situation where he took advantage of intoxication. I would give Written Formal notice. Like : Dear Mr X, I'm writing to you formally to tell you that , due to unforeseen circumstances, I will be needing your room back. Please vacate by 12 noon on XXXXX day / Date/ year. B. T. W. Giving a Lodger any written Lease agreement is a mistake because if you have to go and live elsewhere for any length of time he can take over the house, we'll he can take over the house legally anyway if you move out. Get a locksmith on standby for moving out day. The Law is on your side as you are owner occupied.

This is a massive over reaction 😆 have you read her comments? He didn't take advantage of an intoxicated woman, you are making it sound like he raped her. She fancies him and he fancies her, dear god how do you think people interact in real life? They are both adults who I'm sure can have a adult conversation. They can either agree it was a one off or explore the odvious attraction they have to each other.

AMalePerspectives · 23/01/2025 19:22

Idiotcentral · 20/01/2025 10:04

Moved a man into my spare room a few months back. He is a family friend although I had not met him till last Oct. He is 10 years my junior, very likeable, we get along really well. As friends. Or so I thought till last night after waaaaaaaaaay too many drinks he pretty much kissed me and I did not object, we ended up in bed together. I am a single parent to a child who is thankfully in school today and no wiser as to what happened. It has not been awkward but it is NOT going to be a relationship. I do not want one and especially not with him however his lease agreement is in place and as he is not from the same country as I am and knows nobody else here he wont be looking to move out. He made a quip this morning before going to work about us being 'friends with benefits' but I have never done that before and not comfortable with that arrangement anyway especially with my teenaged child here but what do I do? Obviously discussing it with him is the right thing but we are both single, clearly attracted to each other and really do get along so well but shit we have now had sex. I dont know what to do from here. Bloody stupidity. Actually really annoyed with myself this morning.

Why does it have to be awkward, it could just be a one off or you could both have a regular thing when no one else is around.
As long as you can both be grown up about it then it shouldn't be a problem, just tell him what you want to do going forward, asking him to move out is a bit extreme

Original poster
Idiotcentral · 23/01/2025 19:32

StarlightLady · 23/01/2025 15:31

@Voneska - Where did the OP say he took advantage. It seems that the sex was passionate and with consent. They both had sex and she says she enjoyed it.

It was 100% consensual. He did not in any way force me into anything.

OP posts:
DraigCymraeg · 23/01/2025 19:40

He's the lodger but you say he has a 'lease'? Need to be sure where you stand before you try kicking him out.

Mush62 · 23/01/2025 19:43

I suggest you keep your legs shut and help find him somewhere else to live!!!

Whattodo33 · 23/01/2025 19:49

10 years at your ages is not a huge age difference at all. I'm a big sucker for a happy ending. You keep saying it can't work but maybe it can. Maybe he moved in and you all get on so well for a reason. Hope you both get clarity after your chat. Keep us posted, I must find out what happens :)

Martin123456 · 23/01/2025 19:57

Idiotcentral · 20/01/2025 10:04

Moved a man into my spare room a few months back. He is a family friend although I had not met him till last Oct. He is 10 years my junior, very likeable, we get along really well. As friends. Or so I thought till last night after waaaaaaaaaay too many drinks he pretty much kissed me and I did not object, we ended up in bed together. I am a single parent to a child who is thankfully in school today and no wiser as to what happened. It has not been awkward but it is NOT going to be a relationship. I do not want one and especially not with him however his lease agreement is in place and as he is not from the same country as I am and knows nobody else here he wont be looking to move out. He made a quip this morning before going to work about us being 'friends with benefits' but I have never done that before and not comfortable with that arrangement anyway especially with my teenaged child here but what do I do? Obviously discussing it with him is the right thing but we are both single, clearly attracted to each other and really do get along so well but shit we have now had sex. I dont know what to do from here. Bloody stupidity. Actually really annoyed with myself this morning.

Got any more rooms for rent, lol

SmolTrashPanda · 23/01/2025 19:59

Mush62 · 23/01/2025 19:43

I suggest you keep your legs shut and help find him somewhere else to live!!!

U ok hun?

Original poster
Idiotcentral · 23/01/2025 20:01

I am in buying a chastity belt as we speak while he is out getting us a takeaway.

OP posts:
Bloozie · 23/01/2025 20:09

Idiotcentral · 23/01/2025 20:01

I am in buying a chastity belt as we speak while he is out getting us a takeaway.

Nah... open a bottle of wine. ;-)

Original poster
Idiotcentral · 23/01/2025 20:12

That might have to wait till tomorrow night till the almost 18 year old child is gone out. I mean if you are going to have a chat with a man about having sex with him and never doing it again then perhaps the 'go big or go home' approach could be in order....

OP posts:
Bloozie · 23/01/2025 20:16

Idiotcentral · 23/01/2025 20:12

That might have to wait till tomorrow night till the almost 18 year old child is gone out. I mean if you are going to have a chat with a man about having sex with him and never doing it again then perhaps the 'go big or go home' approach could be in order....

I for one am living vicariously through you and if you don't sleep with him again and enjoy a passionate, fun affair that could lead to more but even if it doesn't, you had a mutually enjoyable blast, I will be very disappointed.

Bloozie · 23/01/2025 20:17

NO PRESSURE.

Voneska · 23/01/2025 20:21

Thing is: you are in a very grey area, you are right to be worried because PROPERTY LAW is very complicated. And you could be in RELATIONSHIP territory where he could dig his heels in. I just want to tell you about worst case scenario. If you learn to live with this situation then it could be tricky where the law is concerned if it's construed you're both in a relationship. Not like evicting a Lodger( that's a walk in the park )

Barrycrowley · 23/01/2025 20:37

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

BuildbyNumbere · 23/01/2025 20:40

Idiotcentral · 23/01/2025 20:01

I am in buying a chastity belt as we speak while he is out getting us a takeaway.

You don’t want a relationship with him but you are carrying on like you are in one … and you both must have good jobs the amount of takeaways you seem to get through!

Minerva76 · 23/01/2025 20:41

Blame him for that? Nasty. Basically you used him. Now you want to get rid of him? Nasty.

Beautifulweeds · 23/01/2025 20:53

123ZYX · 20/01/2025 10:25

How is he a family friend if you've only known him since October? Regardless of what's happened between you, please consider whether it's sensible to have someone you barely know living in the house with your teenage daughter

This, you don't know him at all do you? Was he flattering, seductive or a real grown up mutual attraction? I would be wary and first concern my daughter.