Slept with the lodger - what the hell now?

[Idiotcentral]

Moved a man into my spare room a few months back. He is a family friend although I had not met him till last Oct. He is 10 years my junior, very likeable, we get along really well. As friends. Or so I thought till last night after waaaaaaaaaay too many drinks he pretty much kissed me and I did not object, we ended up in bed together. I am a single parent to a child who is thankfully in school today and no wiser as to what happened. It has not been awkward but it is NOT going to be a relationship. I do not want one and especially not with him however his lease agreement is in place and as he is not from the same country as I am and knows nobody else here he wont be looking to move out. He made a quip this morning before going to work about us being 'friends with benefits' but I have never done that before and not comfortable with that arrangement anyway especially with my teenaged child here but what do I do? Obviously discussing it with him is the right thing but we are both single, clearly attracted to each other and really do get along so well but shit we have now had sex. I dont know what to do from here. Bloody stupidity. Actually really annoyed with myself this morning.

I didn’t know it was drunken sex with random men, I thought it was sex with a man she knew and fancied???? Have l misread it?

In which post does she refer to “random men”.

Unlikely if they celebrate Christmas in January. That suggest Orthodox Christian countries or possibly a Christian community in the Middle East

Sounds great, OP! I don’t see the problem, really.
Either you have occasional, enjoyable sex or you go back to being housemates who get on well. Both good.

You're overthinking it. It's hard to find chemistry with someone, hard to find someone who fits in so naturally into your world and culture, hard to find someone you'd be comfortable going away with your son with on breaks, hard to find someone you just rub along with so naturally. And you've given us no real reason as to why it wouldn't work, beyond you've made a vow of celibacy, you had a failed relationship and don't want to mess your son about introducing him to a string of men... I get that - entirely. Been there, done the single parent thing. But not everything happens neatly and in the order you've self-imposed. Sometimes, the right person just sneaks in from right under your nose.

You need to tell us more about why 'it wouldn't work' beyond you've decided you don't want it to work. Do you intend to remain single forever?

She's not in a relationship with him. You can try justify it if you want. I'm speaking up for the child in the situation.

It is not my place to justify it. I was merely clarifying that it was not random men.

People like each other and they have sex. It’s the way of the world. Relationships are more complex and take longer.

Plus the minor will be an adult within the next 12 months. At present he is legally able to give consent for all things medical including major surgery and able to consent to sex himself. In Scotland he can legally marry. I doubt if he expects his mother to wear a chastity belt.

The child.

You do know he's 17.

How many more times do you have to go on about the 'child'?

What is your problem? Seriously, why are you so upset about a woman of 50 having sex with a man in her house?

I'm speaking up for the child in the situation.

How do you know the working's of the mind of this 'child'?

The 'child' was possibly out having sex himself at the time!

Is it all going to be okay for 'the child' when in a few months he's 18?

This, this and a 100 times this.

I haven't read it all but under rent a room agreements, you can pretty much get anyone out.

I would just say to him it was a mistake and not going to happen again. If that's what you want of course. No need to move him out if you're both respectable adults.

Wow a LOT of very strong viewpoints on this on here.

To clarify a few things, we are both orthodox and celebrate christmas in January.
We are not from arranged marriage culture, our parents are friends, he needed a room and I had one and that was pretty much the way it went.
He is not disrespectful, quite the opposite in fact, very much hunter gatherer mentality.
Yes I have done the bulk of cooking and cleaning the house, he provides a lot of the food to be cooked and cleans the cars, fills them with fuel, cuts grass and all that type of stuff. Cultural things really.
He is not after me for my visa, money nor my child. Far from it. If I was the one pushing things I could easily be accused of wanting HIM for his money and a father figure for my son.

Why it would not work is because of his age, if he wants marriage and kids in the future I won't be providing either of those things and I am sure as hell not about to deprive him of either by entering into a relationship with him knowing I won't be having any more children. I don't care who it would be with. We are both previously divorced also and while I have no interest in another marriage he has said before he would marry again. His ex wife is stunning and 18 years my junior. They have no relationship at all, it was not a good split but when I think of it it makes me feel a bit Mrs Robinson if I am honest.

Now to the other side of things. I did not realise how attracted to him I was till now. I also did not realise how attracted to me he was. We have tried to just avoid eye contact which is not easy to do considering we had full on eye contact before which is now what I realise was attraction. This whole thing is completely unexpected for both of us. We already had plans for the future together, this was where we have clearly been deluding ourselves saying it was a great friendship. It is, but it is not platonic and now super complicated as sex complicates things no matter what way you look at it. I don't want either of us to get hurt but I dont want him to move out either. My son is going out tomorrow night so we have decided to sit and chat about things and see what we are going to do.

The child is nearly an adult!

Her son isn't a child!!

if he wants marriage and kids in the future I won't be providing either of those things and I am sure as hell not about to deprive him of either by entering into a relationship with him knowing I won't be having any more children

I’m sure because of your age he knows very well you will not be having more children therefore it wouldn’t be something he would be entering into unknowingly so don’t feel that you would be deceiving him or depriving him as he is a grown intelligent man and is capable of making those decisions for himself if he wants to.

You also said that he said that he would marry again, I think him saying that could just be that he is open to the idea but maybe not something that he sees as very important, he’s just keeping an open mind about it and not ruling it out

Its good ye are going to have a talk tonight, let us know how it goes, I personally think if he is open to having a relationship you should give it a go, you never know

Interesting update OP. He can choose of course how important future kids are and I can see that does complicate things. BUT don't worry that he's younger than you and certainly don't worry that his ex-wife is young and gorgeous you and he are clearly quite a team.

I cannot for the life of me understand the posters thinking that having a 17 year old son precludes you from having sex in your own house. Unless you are swinging naked from the light fittings or leaving your underwear on the living room floor then SO WHAT if he knows you are shagging.

I doubt my son knows anything about what happened the other night, the house thankfully is fairly big and noises do not carry plus we both almost combusted trying not to make noise too. That said if he knows there is not a thing we can do about it now, we cannot undo what happened.

Yeah. He's not daft. He knows you're not going to be the mother of his children. You seem to be making huge assumptions about him. You're too old for him, he might want kids, his ex was much younger, he said he'd like marriage but you've said you won't marry again... It's a heady mix of you inventing thoughts he might not have, and assuming that the things he has said are things he won't compromise on. I have friends that are in a very happy relationship. She wants to marry, he doesn't see the point. It's something they joke about. It isn't something that's stopped them building a very happy life together for the past 20 years.

Go into your chat with an open mind, get out of your own way, see what happens. You fancy each other AND you get on really well. I promise you, that's gold dust.

Also - your son is 17 and those clutching pearls about it are a bit odd imo. Personally I'd rather my son see all the facets of being adult - at the right time - rather than shielded from it until he moves out.

You need to explain CLEARLY that sex and romance are off the table

And try to avoid doing weird family-esque shit with the fucking lodger 🙄

It's just the love googles.

The more you shag him the more you'll want to shag him.

Keep your knickers in and it will all be fine.

If you don't I do sense drama ahead, which will be embarrassing for your son.

I'm also not against you just enjoying it for what it is, but I imagine your son will work out you guys are shagging, so if that's a concern then you can't carry on.

Lots of people disagreeing with me, that's fine.

I have been the teenager in this scenario and it made me incredibly uncomfortable in my own home, I still have bad memories of that time, and I wouldn't do it to my children.

And even if he's 40, he'll still be his mother's child, and no child wants to know about their parents sex lives. Hopefully he didn't hear, but he's not stupid and will notice comments/innuendos/tension between them.

I am sorry you felt uncomfortable in your own situation but that is not the issue here.

l disagreed with you, because you misquoted the facts that the OP presented and referred to sex with random men. Nowhere has the OP referred to having sex with random men.

So now you are saying that people with adult sons and daughters should never have sex in the privacy of their own bedrooms if their adult children are under the same roof?

Yes, they shouldn't have casual sex when their children are in the house. So FWB, one night stands with lodgers... I think it's wrong.

Maybe you need to consider therapy to work out why you feel this way?

It's slightly odd that as an adult now, you feel it's right to 'police' other adult women's sex lives because something your mum or dad did when you were younger.

Were you embarrassed that you parents had sex? (with someone they weren't married to)
Did you feel excluded or betrayed in some way?

For a start, you don't even know if the OP's son was in the house at the time.

If OP and this man start a proper relationship her son will be told, I'm sure, and he's grown up enough to understand they may have sex- presumably quietly and maybe not when he's in the house.

Reading your update OP it sounds as if you've got a good plan.

The children is the major issue.

I know of couples where age differences - older men with younger wives. In one of these, the woman was divorced with 3 children. Man had none. He was happy to forgo children of his own. They've now been married 30 years.

Many people compromise. There is also no guarantee of children in any marriage. Fertility can preclude even the best plans.

I am not raising my son to believe you can only have sex while married. That is a very outdated concept and as myself and his father are divorced it would be a strange a concept that he think I be not sexually active the rest of my life unless there was a ring on my finger. I don't want him either tied in a marriage just to have a sex life. I am much more liberal than how I was raised and a lot more open minded.

IF anything were to go further in any sustainable way with 'the lodger' my son would of course be told, I do not treat him like his opinion does not matter nor do I treat him like he has no intelligence.

Don't patronise me.

No wonder so many children have mental issues when this is all accepted as normal, and saying I wouldn't want my children to hear me having a one night stand means I should go to therapy. Madness.