Slept with the lodger - what the hell now?

[Idiotcentral]

Moved a man into my spare room a few months back. He is a family friend although I had not met him till last Oct. He is 10 years my junior, very likeable, we get along really well. As friends. Or so I thought till last night after waaaaaaaaaay too many drinks he pretty much kissed me and I did not object, we ended up in bed together. I am a single parent to a child who is thankfully in school today and no wiser as to what happened. It has not been awkward but it is NOT going to be a relationship. I do not want one and especially not with him however his lease agreement is in place and as he is not from the same country as I am and knows nobody else here he wont be looking to move out. He made a quip this morning before going to work about us being 'friends with benefits' but I have never done that before and not comfortable with that arrangement anyway especially with my teenaged child here but what do I do? Obviously discussing it with him is the right thing but we are both single, clearly attracted to each other and really do get along so well but shit we have now had sex. I dont know what to do from here. Bloody stupidity. Actually really annoyed with myself this morning.

I don't think posters here understand visas.

If he's working or a student he may well have a visa anyway.

Even if you marry someone you don't automatically get full British citizenship.

And we don't know where they live anyway. The suggestion is it's not UK.

And OP is from the same country so we don't know how she stands remaining here/there /wherever.

If you actually bothered to read the posts by the OP, they are not in the UK. No need to jump in with prejudiced views about people “from another country”

I am also not a native to teh country we live in but here over 20 years.

It's not clear where they live.

It could be the UK, or it could be she's overseas.

Why has everything got to be turned into something so sinister on here? "He's only after her 17 year old child or a Visa"!! Fgs perhaps he just really likes her after being 'included' in the family for so long. As she didn't object to the sex he may even see it as a FWB situation or feel really embarrassed and not know what she would want from it so to diffuse the situation made that comment.
Unless you have these conversations with him then it is going to be really awkward and your 17 year old will definitely pick up on something (if they didn't already hear the drunken sex 🤣)
Hell, if it was good sex and you do really get on and you like him then fill your boots and go for it. Life is too bloody short and you are a grown woman who clearly has needs. It's not like you have to marry him, you are allowed to enjoy yourself and not just be a mum!

My guess is that there are some cultural differences around this which wouldn't be an issue in the UK - older woman/ younger man, and the fact that their parents know each other (so could be judgemental if they knew this had blossomed into a relationship) and the 'expected roles' of men and women in relationships.

But unless the OP comes back to explain, it's all a bit muddled.

So you can have sex with him but can't tell him you don't want to have sex with him?

Get a grip and just tell him. You are heading to a tough situation if you don't- and that will be on you. This is the point to stop it.

I hope things have settled down now. I also hope you have stopped being so hard on yourself, you are both single, consenting adults, the fact you had sex is nothing to be ashamed of. As long as you have an honest, forthcoming conversation, I'm sure everything can and will be okay OP. 🙂

It’s not that strange really. Her son is 17 and this man is known to her family.

Some people with kids rent to total strangers with no family link or anything .

And she wanted the extra money so she was benefitting to .

This thread is so extreme, on one side it’s people banging on about what a massive threat this man is to OP and her (almost adult) teen, and how you should never eat with lodgers - which is actually very common in some cultures, or how he’s after her visa/house etc.

And then on the other extreme there’s people telling OP to give him a chance at a relationship or keep on enjoying sex with him when she’s expressly said she doesn’t see a future with him and doesn’t want FWB.

OP you slipped up and made a mistake, it sounds out of character for you but don’t beat yourself up over it. Let him know it’s not happening again and if he’s disrespectful or unwilling to accept that he will have to move on immediately.

Hopefully you can get past it but if you can’t and there is a weird vibe in the house which affects your son again he’ll need to move on. I’m sure he can find somewhere else.

OK I’ve just seen in OPs update she does now somewhat feel like having sex again but still most of my pp remains true.

And glad he seems to be respectful about it all and isn’t being pushy.

I adore MN, where the more you speak like a set of Terms and Conditions the more weight your argument carries. Dwelling

When you write wrong side of 40 are you definitely post menopausal? My Mother had my sister at 45.

The irony being I had mentally made a vow of celibacy for myself for 2025 having made a 'mistake' last year with a man

I think the word you’re looking for in this context is abstinence really which is not quite celibacy.

Abstinence for a period of time is perfectly healthy and does many people - especially women - the world of good. And it’s what many people choose to do if they’re not in a committed relationship.

Not saying you should or shouldn’t have sex that’s not my business, but just pointing this out because a pp said it’s “unhealthy”

OP said she’s 50 (or almost 50).

I don't care. She's his mother, and it's inappropriate to act like that with a child in the home.

FFS!

Act like what?

Let's assume he was out and not listening at the bedroom door.

He's hardly a child. He's going on 18.

Get a grip.

@Idiotcentral
I'm wondering if your native country is one where arranged marriages are still common.

Have you actually been set up by your parents? In that they know Mr Lodger's family well, and also therefore know Mr Lodger and thus realise he shares similar life values to themselves and thus presumably to you. And that perhaps in the interests of knowing Mr Lodger would fit well in your circle of friends despite the age gap, they've sent him your way.

OP you are 50. He is 40. Both mature adults.
Your parents are good friends and you are both from the same culture in another country.
Of course he will be familiar and has been a source of comfort and security. I can see how you have quickly fallen into that role of a family unit, especially as your 17 year old son gets on well with him and probably sees him as a bit of a father figure.

It sounds like you are still a bit burnt from your ex and are wary to be in another relationship.
It’s either you draw a line under it and move on, or if you think you are genuinely falling for him then you need to have a proper conversation on where you both stand. I think sneaking around with your lodger without clear boundaries isn’t going to end well and however much you hide it from your son, he won’t be stupid and oblivious to it. This will only result in confusing the set up even more.

Stop being avoidant and adult-up.

You had consensual sex that you now regret but it doesn’t have to turn into a nightmare.

Just style it out…say ‘wow, last night hey?! Don’t take it personally but as we live together don’t want a repeat! Now…do you want a brew/who is cooking tea/must dash/insert normal life sentence of your choice.

If you both can’t then move on after that and things stay awkward, then you can look at terminating the arrangement.

For now, stop making things worse for yourself!

It doesn’t state where that but does say he is from another country to her and has no other family here … if you bothered to read it.

No, but they think they will … and certainly get a better chance!
Student visas have an expiry date.

Having casual drunk sex with your child in the house is bad parenting. I don't care what anyone says to try defend it. Would you appreciate hearing your mother having sex with random men?

If everyone thought it “was inappropriate(!) to act like that (like what?) with a child in the home” there would be far fewer younger siblings.

This was not a case of we’re going to have sex, would you like to watch! 🥺

I'm not talking about having sex with your husband or long term partner. I'm saying having drunken sex with random men with children in the house makes them uncomfortable, so you shouldn't do it.

I totally get your feeling and emotional but really it was just consensual recreational sex at the end of the day. I am still friends with a couple of ONSs, details irrelevant but the point is a random shag hasn’t turned life upside down and shouldn’t for you. In time this will recede into the background as long as neither of you tries to initiate it again.

Don’t be annoyed at yourself. These things do happen to all of us.
Best advice- have a chat to him, be open and honest ( you don’t want a relationship) say it was fun but maybe shouldn’t have happened due to the living arrangements.
The thing is if you carry it on it can get messy…. Even as FWB. One may grow more of an attachment than the other and that’s when it isn’t nice.
If you do end up doing it again…. Then try and enjoy it for what it is.
hope this helps. X