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Original poster

Is 42 too old for a baby?

157 replies

SmileWithStyle · 18/01/2025 22:39

My partner (M30) and I (F42) have been together for two years. We live together with my two DC and have a great relationship. I'm a young 42 and he's very mature for 30. We meet in the middle. He's very caring, supportive and has shown me what a safe, secure relationship looks like. He's great with my children and would be a brilliant dad.
I came home from work a few weeks ago to find him sobbing. He loves me, but has decided that he'd like to be a father one day and have his own children.
We took some time apart, no contact, to think about what we want. I was blindsided by the news and thought our relationship was over. The week apart was really tough and I was very emotional at the prospect of breaking up with the man I love.
He came over last week, I was fully expecting the break up chat. He said that he loves me so much and would like us to try for a child. I'm open to the idea, but worried it might not happen for us.
Is 42 too old to start trying for a baby? We're financially secure and both have good jobs. His family are against the idea. My family are being very supportive about the idea.
My head is all over the place and I'm looking for some advice, success stories or kind words.

OP posts:
Ginghamsheep · 18/01/2025 23:13

It's definitely possible, but of course not without potential problems (as could happen at any age). Having a child is a gamble. At 42 there is a greater risk the child could be born with a disability, but his younger sperm may counteract that somewhat.

CaptainBeanThief · 18/01/2025 23:16

Physically, it's possible yes.
However, I'd like to ask, why does it matter if your family is on/off board? It seems like they are waaaaaay too involved and will make the whole situation much more pressured and stressful.

CarryOnRewardless · 18/01/2025 23:21

My cousin had a baby at 42, they are 14 now so yes it is possible

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 18/01/2025 23:22

Its possible but honestly you need a really serious sit down chat

What happens if you try and miscarry? What it is happens a second time? when do you stop?
What happens if his sperm are poor and you need a sperm donor?
Who pays what for fertility treatmen?
What happens if your 20 week scan doesnt come back all normal?
Given his "need" to reproduce, Would he be okay/satisfied with a disabled child?
You arent married - Would you be okay with your life if the baby made things a bit too real and he fucked off and left you as a single mum and did one or two nights per fortnight?
What if you have life changing injuries? (I was fitter when pregnant at 39/40 then i was in my first "easy" pregnancy and was blindsided by health problems)
How will your existingchildren feel about a third thrown into the mix?
How will you arrange finances as a household (ie considering existing kids and new kid)
Would he marry you? Would you want that?
What happens if you try and it doesnt happen? Will he just leave?

All this and more needs to be discussed....

RLT2 · 18/01/2025 23:28

42 is no age these days at all plenty of people having their first even in their 40s. If it’s what you want you can only try don’t feel put out by age. My grandma had my uncle at 43 in 1962!

GetUpRightNowAndTomatoSalsa · 18/01/2025 23:31

What's best for the existing children?

gingerbreadgirl2 · 18/01/2025 23:33

My cousin had a baby at 40 and no problems
whatsoever, also have a friend that had a baby at 41, pregnancy was rough but no real issues.
better to be brought into a stable and loving home at 42 than the opposite at 25. It's nobody else's business, do what feels right for you and your family.
Like pp said, 42 is not old.
Good luck whatever you decide

Notgivenuphope · 18/01/2025 23:34

GetUpRightNowAndTomatoSalsa · 18/01/2025 23:31

What's best for the existing children?

this.

You are not too old. The question is how would it affect them

RLT2 · 18/01/2025 23:38

Personally my mum was 38 when she had me and they already had my sister and brother who were 14 and 11. We have the best relationships ever. My partners parents were very similar too he has a 9 year gap with his youngest brother and you wouldn’t know at all. I really wouldn’t worry and just do what’s right for you. Like others have said who is to judge people have kids as kids and as long as everyone is happy and healthy why does it matter how old you are. My sister is 47 and wishes she had another desperately don’t look back with regrets is my advice

Mumof1andacat · 18/01/2025 23:39

How old are your children? Do you want a baby again? Do you want the whole toddler/school thing? What about child care? Bedroom space? Cars?

Honestandkind · 18/01/2025 23:39

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 18/01/2025 23:22

Its possible but honestly you need a really serious sit down chat

What happens if you try and miscarry? What it is happens a second time? when do you stop?
What happens if his sperm are poor and you need a sperm donor?
Who pays what for fertility treatmen?
What happens if your 20 week scan doesnt come back all normal?
Given his "need" to reproduce, Would he be okay/satisfied with a disabled child?
You arent married - Would you be okay with your life if the baby made things a bit too real and he fucked off and left you as a single mum and did one or two nights per fortnight?
What if you have life changing injuries? (I was fitter when pregnant at 39/40 then i was in my first "easy" pregnancy and was blindsided by health problems)
How will your existingchildren feel about a third thrown into the mix?
How will you arrange finances as a household (ie considering existing kids and new kid)
Would he marry you? Would you want that?
What happens if you try and it doesnt happen? Will he just leave?

All this and more needs to be discussed....

Edited

This echoes my thoughts exactly.

BananaNirvana · 18/01/2025 23:41

RLT2 · 18/01/2025 23:28

42 is no age these days at all plenty of people having their first even in their 40s. If it’s what you want you can only try don’t feel put out by age. My grandma had my uncle at 43 in 1962!

That’s staggeringly naive! Fertility still drops off a cliff at 40 - everyone can name someone they know who had a baby in their 40s but you wouldn’t know the thousands who tried and failed. It’s not a definite no but false hope isn’t helpful.

RLT2 · 18/01/2025 23:44

@BananaNirvana well I’ve just been through 2 years of IVF, 5 failed rounds and I’m finally and tentatively 8 weeks pregnant at 32. So don’t think I’m naive. Quite the opposite. My grandmother actually adopted her first because she had many miscarriages. She then had healthy babies at 35 and 43. I know everyone is different look at me!

I know too painfully well how it doesn’t always go to plan but I wouldn’t let my age put me off trying if it’s what I wanted. This lady has had 2 children she will know her own body and yes nobody knows but better than to live with regrets if you wish you’d tried.

Lavender14 · 18/01/2025 23:46

I think there's multiple wider conversations that need to happen here.

First things to my mind would be how he would react if things didn't happen the way you'd hope. I'd want to know he's on board no matter what and that you're not potentially signing yourself up to the pain of trying and it not working out and then him leaving you with that.

I think you need to consider the kids you have and how they'd be affected by another child in the family and if there would be a difference in the dynamics if its so important that he has a blood child while he's still going to be step parenting your child.

Do you have the means etc to provide for a child who has disabilities and how would that affect the children you currently have? What decisions would you make if you found this out in pregnancy?

How healthy are you and how healthy are your eggs/ his sperm likely to be?

He cant just drop this on you and not recognise that it should be a lengthy conversation.

Why are his family so against it op?

category12 · 18/01/2025 23:49

Do you actually want a baby or just to keep the man?

Because it sounds like he wants one and you don't really, that you just want the relationship to continue?

But it's your body and your life, your job, and your existing kids that would be most affected, realistically.

You could have trouble conceiving, you're at a higher risk of miscarriage, a higher risk of the child having disability, etc - you've got to really want a baby to take all these risks.

Cloney · 19/01/2025 00:08

Yes, 42 is too old. You're assuming that you're still capable, but statistically it's quite unlikely and carries significant risk.

Beaniebeemer · 19/01/2025 00:17

I’m in exactly the same position as you. Even down to our ages and the fact that I already have two children. My partner desperately wants a child of his own. It’s going to be the downfall of our relationship.

Not a chance in hell I’d do this personally. It is too old no matter how much you dress it up. You have to think about the bigger picture. I’ve been diagnosed with a progressive chronic illness in the last 6 months. It’s changed everything and I absolutely didn’t see it coming. Oh and I absolutely do not want a teenager when I’m in my 50’s!

TheseBootsAreWalking · 19/01/2025 00:43

Yes its possible. I would make a visit to gynecologist just to get things checked over. My mum sister was surprised with her DD at the age of 44 and every woman is different so go for it.

Hadalifeonce · 19/01/2025 00:46

I had one at 42, then another at 45.

Original poster
SmileWithStyle · 19/01/2025 00:49

Mumof1andacat · 18/01/2025 23:39

How old are your children? Do you want a baby again? Do you want the whole toddler/school thing? What about child care? Bedroom space? Cars?

My children are 5 and 8. I think they'd be really excited about the prospect of another brother or sister.
I'd love nothing more than to be able to have a baby with him, I just don't know if it will happen. He suggested trying for a year and taking things from there. My concern is giving him another year, getting more invested and it not working. Where does that leave me?
We have the space at home to do it.
His family have always been a bit off about the age gap and think he's making a mistake. They think he should be with someone his own age.

OP posts:
SnidelyWhiplash · 19/01/2025 00:56

Of course it’s possible. You have to weigh it up. It’s not just about being an old mum, it’s also about the big age gap between you and your partner.

Would you want another at this age if your partner was also older? Or is it to attempt keep your young partner?

I had older parents. Less common when I was born in the 70s. I was always conscious of their ages when I was a child.

Original poster
SmileWithStyle · 19/01/2025 00:58

category12 · 18/01/2025 23:49

Do you actually want a baby or just to keep the man?

Because it sounds like he wants one and you don't really, that you just want the relationship to continue?

But it's your body and your life, your job, and your existing kids that would be most affected, realistically.

You could have trouble conceiving, you're at a higher risk of miscarriage, a higher risk of the child having disability, etc - you've got to really want a baby to take all these risks.

I'd love to have a baby with him. I just wrote it off as being something that would never happen at my age, so we never really discussed it.
I am fit, healthy and keen to give it a go. I love being a mum, it's hard work but I'm up for trying while I still have the energy.

OP posts:
CulturalNomad · 19/01/2025 00:59

Do you actually want a baby or just to keep the man?

Good question. Had you ever considered a third child? Or trying to become pregnant in your 40's? Parenting a teen in your late 50's?

What happens if you can't get pregnant; is that the point where he leaves?

Personally I would not have a child in an attempt to salvage a relationship. He is much younger than you, which is not an issue except that he's in a different phase of life than you are. He's thinking of starting a family and he has plenty of time to do so; you do not.

Whydoeseveryonewanttoargue · 19/01/2025 01:01

Sure why not? I don’t understand why this is even a question.

CulturalNomad · 19/01/2025 01:04

His family have always been a bit off about the age gap and think he's making a mistake. They think he should be with someone his own age

My son is about his age and honestly I'd feel the same. Obviously it would be his choice to make but I would rather see him with a woman closer to his own age.