Is 42 too old for a baby?

[SmileWithStyle]

My partner (M30) and I (F42) have been together for two years. We live together with my two DC and have a great relationship. I'm a young 42 and he's very mature for 30. We meet in the middle. He's very caring, supportive and has shown me what a safe, secure relationship looks like. He's great with my children and would be a brilliant dad.
I came home from work a few weeks ago to find him sobbing. He loves me, but has decided that he'd like to be a father one day and have his own children.
We took some time apart, no contact, to think about what we want. I was blindsided by the news and thought our relationship was over. The week apart was really tough and I was very emotional at the prospect of breaking up with the man I love.
He came over last week, I was fully expecting the break up chat. He said that he loves me so much and would like us to try for a child. I'm open to the idea, but worried it might not happen for us.
Is 42 too old to start trying for a baby? We're financially secure and both have good jobs. His family are against the idea. My family are being very supportive about the idea.
My head is all over the place and I'm looking for some advice, success stories or kind words.

It would be for me and I’m mid-40s with older kids. I would prefer not having to support kids to that extent financially well into my 60’s, maybe having to delay retirement and definitely having less money to retire with.

I got on OK with school runs, having kids over for play dates, going on child friendly holidays etc. The teenage years though have been quite rough and I’m glad I’m not dealing with it my 60’s. I’m glad to have my life back and I’m glad I have a couple of decades left before retirement to enjoy life without so many responsibilities.

I would also begrudge doing all this with and for a man who will only be with me if I can give him a child. In OPs position I would much rather place my focus on the two children that are already there and who has been through a separation.

My friend had a baby at 40 with a younger man, she also already had 2 children from previous relationships.
The younger man is now married to a woman his own age and devoting all of his time and money to her two children, he rarely has his own child and definitely doesn't pay towards her.
I am in an age gap marriage so I am going to be a complete hypocrite but men have longer to have children than we do and it is far to easy for them to bugger off to the 'new family' and leave you a single parent juggling everything in your 50's & 60's, I know I wouldn't take the risk.

OP statistics tell you nothing about your own individual situation. Some women can't get pregnant after 40 at all, some experience hormone surge and are extremely fertile. Statistics are only the average that consists of two extremes and anything in the middle.
Women's health and fitness also varies greatly after 40 with some having no problems while others suffering with chronic conditions.
You need to look at your own situation and decide what's best for you. If you can't get pregnant then decision will be made for you but you might also experience no struggle at all. Don't assume anything.

I tried with my ex DP at 41. He was seven years younger than me. It didn't happen. As soon as he was certain I wasn't able to give him a child, he left and never looked back. It was awful. We had been together 12 years and I had supported him financially, emotionally, the lot. He then started his own business, realised there would be no baby with me, packed his stuff and left.

He ended up with a woman 7 years younger than him who he has 2 kids with.

Think about it very carefully OP and consider all scenarios.

You're the one repeating the myths. Most women don't try to get pregnant after 40. The ones who do often struggled with fertility before that's why they still keep trying after 40. That's why statistics include large number of women who have fertility issues.
Most healthy women can get pregnant after 40 and it was very common before contraception. If someone has health issues, chronic conditions, pre diabetes etc that's another story so health and genetics are more important then age in itself.

I had my two DC very easily in my late thirties and didn't try to have a third, but I was definitely perimenopausal by 43/44. I have a few friends who had a first child in their 40s (two through IVF), and one who had a second child, but my friends who tried to have a third child at your age all struggled massively. So although everyone knows the odd person who had multiple children after 40, it is increasingly hard.

The ONS statistics for 2022 show that almost 24000 women aged 37 had a baby, but only 5000 aged 42, 2900 at 43 and 900 at 45. Some of that is choice, but I think it's mostly nature.

It's possible that this man doesn't actually want a child of his own, or rather he doesn't want the loss of freedom, the responsibility etc that comes with it.
He just wants to make his partner feel guilty for not providing him with the child so that he has a way of controlling her and maintaining the upper hand in their relationship.

Hi OP. I had my first baby last year at 43. My partner is 31. I am absolutely loving being a mum and I don't regret it at all. When I was pregnant no one thought it was weird. I remember nurses and midwives saying it was a good thing that my partner is young and healthy as that makes it easier to get pregnant, and makes it less likely for baby to have birth defects or other health issues. I had a straightforward pregnancy and birth. He is also a wonderful dad and partner (he will actually be my DH quite soon as we are getting married this year).

This makes no sense. The money is spent no matter what time of life you spent it.
The rest of your post is just personal preference rather than actually being more problematic. Whether you have kids earlier or later, you get more time to yourself at one phase of life rather than another.

Well no, the money wouldn’t be spent if OP doesn’t give in to her boyfriend’s want for a child and instead focus on the two she has and she would then be done sometime in her mid-50s. And yes, it is my personal preference to not be raising teens in my 60s, yours is to do that and that’s fine, but the whole point of this forum is to express our opinions. Mine is that OP should stick to kids she has, he only wants to be with her if she can give him a child, it’s not worth risking the comfort for herself and her current children for this. It had never even crossed her mind to have another child until he told her he’s leaving if she won’t give him one.

This post (along with the subject of the thread) is resonating as I'm currently in a relationship with the same gap, with me being the older one at 41
I have a teenager and was quite resolute that I wasn't having any more children. Now I'm in the best relationship I've ever had, and I'm so worried that the issues of children will be the only thing which causes us problems down the line if, by being with me he doesnt have his own child. Otherwise, he is the most supportive incredible partner and in 4 years we've gone from strength to strength.
One issue we have is his parents are very much against our relationship due to the age gap and won't accept me, refused to meet me from the start.
Do you mind me asking how your in laws have taken it?
Thank you, really interested to hear experiences from women in a similar situation 😊

Do you want me to reply or not. Your post suggests both. My orginal comment wasn’t so much to you but to the OP and I was expanding on your comment.

My in-laws have been very accepting of me fortunately. They are very happy to be grandparents as well. I'd say if you and your partner want a baby then go for it.

Hell NO! NOT TOO OLD !!

I’ve known women have babies far older than 42!

I can guarantee it will come up at some point. We had almost two years of being content as we were, but it was always lurking in the background of my thoughts. For him, it hit home when his friends and family started to take those steps. He realised that one day he'd like his own children and I'm not sure if I at 42 can give him that. If you are in a good place with the relationship, I'd seriously consider having that conversation with him. It might be really hard, but it's better to know now, when you might be able to do something about it.

For me, I feel so broken by this, our relationship is great and we're best friends. I still feel so loved by him, but I feel that this is the un-doing of our relationship.

I feel that over the two years his family have tolerated me, but are very much against the idea of us trying for a baby. He has a very close family and he values their opinions.

This is good to hear
Thank you❤️

It's so difficult. In my case he is perfect for me in every other way. I don't know what to do. Deep down I'm not sure want another child, which is the bottom line. I'd probably be doing so for him (who at the moment, isn't actually bothered and says he's happy not to)
But as you say it's the worry of it rearing it's head in the future. Day to day I don't feel the age difference, it's just us. But this does niggle away at me.
I don't want to lose him.

That's exactly how I felt until him wanting his own children came up.
I feel like he's my other half and we get on so well together, have the same sense of humour and we don't feel the age gap at all.
Please have the chat and ask him to think about what he might want in the future regarding children. It's so hard.
You don't want to be blindsided like me and potentially lose your perfect person. I wouldn't wish this heartache on anyone.

If he walked out and came back saying you should try for a year he is not your perfect person.

I think you probably know that deep down.

I was talking about the generality of having children later in life. I too don't think OP should have children with this man.

If he would choose potential children over being with you OP he isn't your perfect person or other half.

When I had to face that choice it turned out to be no choice at all. There are other ways to bring children into your life, your DP already has step-children but there aren't ways to replace your other half.

If having his own children is important to him then he should absolutely leave and build that life but if he is seriously thinking of making that choice you aren't his perfect person.

So I wouldn't be turning my life upside down to try and give him a child because I don't think the foundations of your relationship are strong enough at the moment.

These considerations apply at any age - not just because she’s over 40.

Physically it may be possible, but you’re 42 you’re going to struggle a bit. You’re also 12 years older than him he’s still going to be in his 30s you’re going to be 50.

Im 38 and fit and absolutely couldn’t go back through all that again. When you have the child which means f you need IVF it doesn’t happen until you’re 44 onwards then baby going onto high school you’re not far off your 60s.

I don’t think any of it’s a great idea but at the end of the day it’s your life no one else’s. But be sure you’re not doing all this to hold onto a man.

That’s tragic for you, but was absolutely the right thing for him. If he wanted kids, he was right to leave. You only get one life, and you’re a long time dead.

This is the thing, we've had the conversation and he says consistently he is okay with not having children and would rather be with the right person, he's happy, etc. We're 4 years in and he's always said the same.

I am mindful though that he is still young and I am not!
I'm torn between not wanting to push him away by repeatedly bringing an issue up, and that I should believe him, versus having that niggle that this could end us 'one day'.