Is 42 too old for a baby?

[SmileWithStyle]

My partner (M30) and I (F42) have been together for two years. We live together with my two DC and have a great relationship. I'm a young 42 and he's very mature for 30. We meet in the middle. He's very caring, supportive and has shown me what a safe, secure relationship looks like. He's great with my children and would be a brilliant dad.
I came home from work a few weeks ago to find him sobbing. He loves me, but has decided that he'd like to be a father one day and have his own children.
We took some time apart, no contact, to think about what we want. I was blindsided by the news and thought our relationship was over. The week apart was really tough and I was very emotional at the prospect of breaking up with the man I love.
He came over last week, I was fully expecting the break up chat. He said that he loves me so much and would like us to try for a child. I'm open to the idea, but worried it might not happen for us.
Is 42 too old to start trying for a baby? We're financially secure and both have good jobs. His family are against the idea. My family are being very supportive about the idea.
My head is all over the place and I'm looking for some advice, success stories or kind words.

I got pg at 42. There’s no doubt it’s harder to get pg at that age though.

You love this man, but his love and commitment to you is dependent on your successful fertility. By saying ‘let’s try for a year’, he is very much giving you notice that you are on a one year trial. Fail to conceive in that period and he is out. What else will mean he is out? If he doesn’t get the ideal child he is imagining? Ifthe child has disabilities?

You say he has shown you this is a secure relationship, but it very much is not. He has told you clearly this is a very insecure relationship based on your ability to deliver a child.

You willl still look youthful at 42, but perimenopause is only a few years off and you will start to rapidly age then. Will he hang around? Will your sex drive fall off a cliff? Will he stay with you if it does?

If he got involved with a much older woman when having a child was a key concern to him he is obviously not someone who thinks things through. Even if you do have a child, you will be doing so with quite a flaky, impulsive man. He also didn’t real think through, or care, about the hurt he would cause you by developing a deep relationship with you and then announcing having a child was a non-negotiable, did he?

i think you need to take a cold hard look at what this man has revealed about his actual character. You need to think if you want a child with a man who will dump you in a year if you ‘fail’. You also need to decide if you are prepared to be a singje middke aged mum with three kids if this man decides he is not living his dream after all and bails out.

2 people at my work are having their first at 42 so it's deffo possible

OP, a lot of people are using anecdotal evidence to say yes, but it's not that clear cut. Around half of woman who try to concieve at 42 will do so. We just don't tend to hear as much about those who try and fail to concieve. So the real answer is maybe it is too old, maybe it isn't.

However, the fact that you've already had one child at an older/'geriatric' age is a good sign.

Only have this child if you are willing to have it alone. He has already told you that you and your children aren’t enough for him. His tie to you isn’t strong enough

This sums this situation up concisely.i

This isn’t really about if you are too old to conceive at 42.

it’s about taking a clear look at the strength of relationship and character of man who is asking you to give him a child.

Absolutely all of this. I worry that you will spend the next few years like one of Henry VIII's wives, with your worth and your relationship hinging on your ability to get pregnant and give birth. A sense of disappointment and failure every month made worse by insecurity and feeling like you haven't given your DP what he wants.

Jesus..great advice 😒

But they are telling the truth. Egg supply is almost depleted by 43 and the risks of losing the baby or the baby having profound disabilities increases.

I do know a couple of women who have got lucky but more who haven't.

I don't think it's fair on your children, you've only been together 2 years and you're rushing it for your age. You don't need to collect children in relationships like medals, if he wants to children you should let this one go and focus on the family you have.

If that would suit you, partner and children then start trying. See what happens, good luck.

And how many people of that age do you know who tried and tried but it never happened - OP needs to look at the real stats about pregnancy and live birth at this age, not “my Aunt Carol . . . “ anecdotes!

Also, we don't know how whether people have had IVF etc. generally. I know my SIL had a kid at that age without IVF and I know someone who accidentally got pregnant at about that age, but nobody else naturally.

I have a friend who's had her first in her 40s but she's had to use IVF with donor eggs. I suspect quite a few women having children in their 40s might have done similar.

Would you really want to parent what could be an awful nightmare teenager in your 60’s? Or to be standing at the primary school gates in your 50’s?

It’s time for grandchildren then, and your body clock is there for very good reason.

Sorry to sound so harsh, but I have known nightmare situations on the other side of the coin.

Why is 42 too old? If you're still having periods of course it's possible. That's why anyone not wanting to risk pregnancy needs contraception until menopause. Yes it may be trickier but lots of women put off having kids until their 40's. Personally I would think hard about how exhausted you will be. My first pregnancy was a breeze compared to my second a few years after (and I was 35 then). It's doable though.

I'm 42 and it would certainly be too old for me! I couldn't think of anything worse.

But, you're in a different situation and seem very keen to do it so there's your answer.

If you are honest with yourself, you are only really considering this because he wants a child.

Being a ‘father figure’ to your gf’s children for whom you have no parental or financial responsibilities is a lot different to being the father to an infant who you are parentally and financially responsible for.

It just seems a really swift 180 from it apparently never crossing your mind to suddenly being keen to try for a baby.

42 is possibly not too old for a baby , but I'm pretty sure that 60 is too old to be coping with an 18 year old. You need to think long term, OP - you will be tired in your 50s, just when the most difficult years kick in.

Not too old, you love each other so why not try? Just be prepared for a potentially hard journey. I understand his want for biological children.

What’s best for your partner? My gut feeling is that you’re at different life stages. You’ve had your children, they’re growing up, and you’re starting to get a bit of independence. Your partner is just starting out. Starting to think about settling down and having kids is very common at 30, and it’s not unreasonable for him to want his own. Are you only having this child because he wants one or would you rather not if all other things were equal? You’re 42 now. You’ll likely be 43 or 44 by the time the baby arrives if it does.

In your shoes I’d think about it long and hard. I would let him go. I’d want him to find a woman his own age who has the same dreams and needs he has, so they can build their own family.

The problem is you're potentially having a baby with someone who isn't 100% committed to you and your relationship- if you're not pregnant within a year does he leave you? That's a lot of pressure on you to get pregnant to hold onto him. What if you miscarry and you want to try again and he doesn't or vice versa. What if the pregnancy or birth is difficult or what if baby has additional needs? What if he wants more than one biological child.

Why not try? Because she has two young children to take care of!

If people thought less about thier new boyfriend/girlfriends desires, less about thier own desires, and a little more about what is best for the children already here I imagine we'd see much happier children .

If people thought less about thier new boyfriend/girlfriends desires, less about thier own desires, and a little more about what is best for the children already here I imagine we'd see much happier children

This, the thread should be titled "I have 2 children already, should I have another child with my boyfriend" that is the issue here, not the age.

I fell pregnant at 41 (I unfortunately miscarried due to an undiagnosed Blood disorder) but got pregnant again at 42 and had a beautiful baby. I was healthy throughout the pregnancy and managed perfectly well.

He said he'd be happy with one. But feels the need to have his own biological children, which I can understand.

Your age gap relationship is more the issue, and having a kid will age your body faster and make the age gap more evident.Would your relationship withstand that?