Is 42 too old for a baby?

[SmileWithStyle]

My partner (M30) and I (F42) have been together for two years. We live together with my two DC and have a great relationship. I'm a young 42 and he's very mature for 30. We meet in the middle. He's very caring, supportive and has shown me what a safe, secure relationship looks like. He's great with my children and would be a brilliant dad.
I came home from work a few weeks ago to find him sobbing. He loves me, but has decided that he'd like to be a father one day and have his own children.
We took some time apart, no contact, to think about what we want. I was blindsided by the news and thought our relationship was over. The week apart was really tough and I was very emotional at the prospect of breaking up with the man I love.
He came over last week, I was fully expecting the break up chat. He said that he loves me so much and would like us to try for a child. I'm open to the idea, but worried it might not happen for us.
Is 42 too old to start trying for a baby? We're financially secure and both have good jobs. His family are against the idea. My family are being very supportive about the idea.
My head is all over the place and I'm looking for some advice, success stories or kind words.

I was going to say no way, but actually you have a five year old, it's not like you have teenagers. You'll be in the round child phase for a while yet. It's a tricky one.

*young

I was going to say you're too old - but the fact he's 30 makes a huge difference.

You are three times more likely to miscarry if your male partner is over 40. Male sperm quality ALSO declines a lot over 35. The fact he's only 30 means you'll have a much better chance of having a healthy baby and pregnancy than if your partner was the same age.

I say go for it :)

It's all ringing alarm bells for me.
Leaving you for a week, no comfort for your distress, then swanning in with, OK I'll stay if you try for a baby (but I'll go in 12 months if you fail).
He's been emotionally manipulative.
Are you sure it's just the age gap that makes his family think this is a bad idea?
If my boyfriend's family thought it was a bad idea for me to try and have a bub with him I'd definitely sit up and take notice.
Are there any of them you could talk to to get a really honest answer?
Edited to add: I had my LO in my early 40s so I initially clicked on the thread thinking I'd say, Go for it. But having read the circumstances, I can't.

Definitely not! My grandmother was born when her mum was 45, in 1921. My mum said that was just really normal back then. Go for it if you feel he will be a good father.

The bigger question is do you want a baby or do you want to keep your man?

he Has taken on quite a lot in short space of time.
are you guys ready to be married/together long term?

I don’t think your age is the main issue, but rather permanent choice of bringing a child into the relationship when you already have 2 young kids and have only been together 2 years.

You've gone from not even considering it to being "open to the idea" in a matter of days. In your week apart you didn't come up with the idea yourself of having another child? You don't sound like it's something you really, really want, you're just considering it in order to save your relationship. That's a recipe for disaster.

I can't add much more than what has been said already, but have you considered how you'd feel if you had another baby and the relationship ended? Are you considering another baby to meet his needs?

What is he expecting from parenthood? You say he's only mentioned this after seeing friends with their children, how serious is he about wanting to be an active and equal parent to your child?

So he had a 'sudden' realisation that he wanted his own children, but couldn't explain and discuss this with you rationally so he left you.

He's now willing to 'try for a year' - assuming if you fail to conceive he will wave goodbye and look for a younger model.

Don't have a baby with this man whatever you do!

This question comes upon here at least two or three times a month, and the answer is of course it's too old. Whilst you might feel really young and fit at the moment and ready for anything, do not underestimate what menopause will do to you, and how fucked and tired and weary you will feel. And that will only be about 6 to 8 years away ...

Do you really want to be bothering with primary school age children when you're going through the menopause/when you're in your 50s, and possibly dealing with elderly parents as well?! And do you really want a child still at college when you're 60?

There's also a fairly high risk of there being something wrong with the baby. Do you really want to be dealing with a baby/small child with additional needs in your mid 40s (with 2 other children to raise too?) It's hard enough with children that are not SN. You could also have a difficult pregnancy and a bad childbirth. It's also extremely unfair to the child ...

But you will get a bunch of posters on here saying it's the best thing ever to have a child in your mid 40s. It's really not. It's not great for the mother. (or the father really.) And it's not fair on any other children you have. And it is certainly not great for the child... (Being in their teens and having a parent who is nearly 60.) They could end up having to be their parents carer in their 20s or 30s when they should be enjoying their youth and freedom and eventually their own family and children... Don't do it. Just don't do it.

And you are not a 'young 42.' You are 42. Middle aged. That is a fact I'm afraid. I am nearly 60. I feel 27 in my head, but I am still nearly 60!

If your man is 'sobbing' because he really wants children, why did he get into a relationship with a middle aged woman/a woman 12 years older than him FGS? As some posters are saying, it sounds like you are considering this for him. Don't do it. If you split, (say 2-3 years after having said baby,) he will not take the baby you created with him. You will be a single mum, nearly 50, and with 3 young children to look after. You'll get no freedom til you're in your mid to late 60s! Oh and also, you have been with him just 2 years! That's hardly any time at all these days!

.

I don't think 42 is too old but getting close. If it's what you want then go for it. Here's a few workings to consider.

The problem is it cld take a year or more of trying then nearly a year for baby to arrive. So u likely won't be 42 but even older.

You need to have a long chat about this and agree the following. How long will u keep trying. Are you willing emotionally and financially to have fertility treatment or not. What if baby has downs or need additional care etc.

Could it all end up in the relationship ending if u can't get pregnant. He can obvs walk away and find someone else to have a family with. I've seen that happen where they've spent yrs trying to have a baby and fertility treatment and then ended up 40 something with no kids and getting divorced.

I’m 41 and pregnant with my first 💓

He loves me, but has decided that he'd like to be a father one day and have his own children

So what happens if it just is not possible for you to have another baby? I would think it would be incredibly painful for you (and your children) if he disappears from your life in a year or two because a future with you means no biological children for him.

It's hard to give an unbiased answer- I had my 2 in my twenties and now they are teens o feel it would be unfair on everyone to have another or a first one this age.

Physically I am int he best shape of my life but I as I've grown older lack of sleep KILLS me!

I needed the help my mum gave me when I had my kids- now in her 70's I wouldn't get the same support and would not ask as it's too much.

I feel the older I get the more the generational gap would widen and would I relate to them
Less? We are so close now.

However, I only have my experience and I may be wrong. You have to weigh everything up

Support available, health, family

I wouldn't.
He will play them all off against each other.
He will always prioritise his child over your children and you will be torn to pieces by your divided loyalty.
This will give him way too much to leverage over you, you will feel as if you have to tiptoe around and obey him so that he's nice towards your children.

Personally I wouldn't risk it and I made the decision to not have another at 40. The risks are too high and the eggs are too old.

Do read my other comments on here won’t you. Sorry for being hopeful. Can’t win sometimes

Why on earth would those things become more problematic at 50?

This

OP it’s really noticeable that the people supporting this are overwhelmingly only focusing on your age.

The people saying ‘don’t’ have picked up on all this being high risk because of the man you are thinking of having children with.

I think the latter are right. Don’t do it.

Ohhh darling. No, not old at all.
Conceiving at 42 is not easy, but as you have been pregnant before your body “remembers”. The fact that you have young sperm also helps a lot.
Try for one year and then think IVF, perhaps, why not, with donor eggs. Not for everyone but many of my friends have done it and I would have been happy to as well had I found the right partner.

I had my last two babies in my forties - easier pregnancies than the first two and no problem getting pregnant. Ignore people who say it's too old. It clearly isn't if you can get pregnant and want the baby.

Just waved the youngest off to university in October - not enjoying the empty nest after 30+ years! But we see them all regularly and they are the joy of our lives. Would do it all again in a heartbeat.

It's not your age that's the issue but whether you want more children and children with this man.

Is it too old - No. Is it wise in your situation also No.

Yes risks increase as you get older but at 42 it's a 1in 60 chance od downs syndrome so not the guarantee some are implying.

Are you in a good position to have a child with this man - No. You simply don't know him well enough, you aren't bonded well enough as a family and I'd be very concerned that your elder 2 would be pushed out. It's too much of a risk. I'm saying this as someone who had a child at 43, it hasn't aged me, it was a piece of cake. I am now dealing with a wonderful teenager. Life is great but I've also been a single mother for a lot of that time. In your situation I wouldn't recommend it.

The no contact/time apart phase is a technique used to shock you into obeying him OP.