Is 42 too old for a baby?

[SmileWithStyle]

My partner (M30) and I (F42) have been together for two years. We live together with my two DC and have a great relationship. I'm a young 42 and he's very mature for 30. We meet in the middle. He's very caring, supportive and has shown me what a safe, secure relationship looks like. He's great with my children and would be a brilliant dad.
I came home from work a few weeks ago to find him sobbing. He loves me, but has decided that he'd like to be a father one day and have his own children.
We took some time apart, no contact, to think about what we want. I was blindsided by the news and thought our relationship was over. The week apart was really tough and I was very emotional at the prospect of breaking up with the man I love.
He came over last week, I was fully expecting the break up chat. He said that he loves me so much and would like us to try for a child. I'm open to the idea, but worried it might not happen for us.
Is 42 too old to start trying for a baby? We're financially secure and both have good jobs. His family are against the idea. My family are being very supportive about the idea.
My head is all over the place and I'm looking for some advice, success stories or kind words.

We spent a lot of time with friends and family over the Christmas break. His friends are married, getting married and starting to have kids and it made him realise that this is something he wants to do too. He was always unsure about whether he wanted his own and was content with what we had, until he saw his peer group moving onto the next stage.

My thoughts would be although at 42 it's very possible to get pregnant, the risk of disability is much higher. For you and a baby.

I'm 38 and have been trying for my first for 3 years and I worry about the statistics on having a disabled child at my age.

I suppose you have to also consider, are you prepared to be a single mum again with 3 children, because relationships fail every day, especially with you both being at different stages of life. I'm not saying the age gap means your relationship is doomed to fail, but in 3 years time you might be hurtling towards the menopause and your 33 year old fella might want to be out with his mates, meanwhile you're at home with 3 kids and the sweats!

That's a really good point. He is great with my children, but as you said, he has no financial responsibility towards them. It's a lot to think about. I'm really torn with what to do.

This is where I'm at too. I find it very weird that it's been mentioned to both sides of the family.

No, I meant you doing a 180.

I'd be very wary of being left a single mother to three kids tbh. I'd want to be married and have a clear view of who does the early years care and who pays for what.

It's not an uncommon age to have kids these days.

You both are at very different stages in your lives and I would look now to ending this relationship.

I had my second at 43, (42 and a half when I got pregnant) . I got pregnant the first night we tried so it doesn’t necessarily take ages . My husband is also younger than me.
It is now or never time though op, if you do want a baby with him then you need to start trying now rather than leaving it for a year or two.

It won’t be physically possible for all 42 year olds.

I had my first at 40 and second just before 42. Doable but exhausting.

My God! Not standing at the junior school gates in your 50s! How do my old bones and wasted muscles cope?! They manage fine for all the fell races I do, but the junior school gates! It’s too much Darling, too much!

The body clock, btw, means women can conceive up to menopause, the average age of which is 51. Pregnancies in early 40s are not that uncommon for women having sex without contraception. And it’s contraception which means there is the modern trend for most families to complete before the mother is 40. Prior to that it would not have been unusual for women to keep conceiving in their 40s.

I don't think PP meant can you physically stand at the gate, she meant do you want to spend your 50s dealing with school pick-ups, drop-offs, play dates etc that comes with having primary aged kids. I think the point is to not just think about the baby stage but everything that comes after that, and in this case, that would mean putting their third kid through university when you are approaching retirement age. OP is likely to be 43/44 once this baby would arrive and that kid would leave uni 20-22 years later I guess.

I will be 38 in February and me and my husband are ttc our 4th child at the moment.

I don't think 42 is too old, definitely not, very common nowadays.

However, we don't have the same pressure as we already have 3 kids together.

My husband won't leave me if it doesn't work.

I think he will put you under a lot of pressure and your relationship might not survive if it doesn't work.

I think it's an unhealthy environment to ttc, to be honest.

Please stop perpetuating this idea that 42 is a "normal" age to have children. It isn't.

It's hugely risky, for both the mother and especially the child.

It gives people false hope. Yes, some women get pregnant easily at that age and go on to have an easy birth with a healthy child. However, the majority of women at that age don't have that experience. Your chances of natural conception at 42 are extremely low, by 43 almost zero.

Let's not derail the thread but, where did I specify it was it was possible for all 42 year olds?

In this situation, I would go for it.

Yes, it might not work and things might fall apart in the future because he's young and has time on his side to have a family. He could well have that family with you, which is clearly what he wants.

I would start straight away. Bugger what his family think.

A cousin of mine had babies at 42 & 45 with no problems at all. I know that doesn't always happen, but you also hear of it a lot more nowadays.

Yes to this. If you are keen to have another baby, by all means try, bearing in mind you are older. Your age should mean you can be more realistic about the possible outcomes here.

You want a baby with him. Are you prepared to be a single parent to three children with little or no support if he doesn’t match up? Also I’d listen to what he is saying about children here. Are you prepared if he decides in five years he wants more with someone else?

You don’t know he’d be a great dad, none of us truly know that in advance. He’s great with your DC, but he’s not their dad is he as others have said. Will he still be great if he has his own? I am not saying he won’t but you need to think about it before you decide.

For you, I'd worry that you'd put yourself through it all - the physical and emotional wringer - for him, then you'd be unable to conceive or worse suffer multiple miscarriages and then to top off all that misery he'd dump you for a 25 year old.

Do you want to put yourself through that?

Yes, it might not work and things might fall apart in the future because he's young and has time on his side to have a family.

Have you not thought about the older children AT ALL with this 'advice', why do people think children from previous relationships are entirely replaceable? "Oh so what if it doesn't work out and you're then lumbered with a 3rd child that will cause untold financial and emotional pressure on your pre existing children when their mother's money and attention is divided by 3, you'll get a lovely new shiny baby with your new shiny boyfriend!!!"

Do you actually want a baby or are you just open to it with him? If he didn't want a baby would you be happy never having another?

Your OP reads, to me, that you're doing this because it's what he wants.

My opinion won't be a popular one but you're at two different stages in your life. He's now realising his friends are having kids and getting married, I'd let him go so he can find someone at the same stage.

I think it’s his age rather than yours that’s the issue - you are At completely different life stages. Also as someone mentioned .. 42 is still relatively youthful .. it’s the late 40’s early 50’s where you start to age rapidly and when the much younger man leaves for someone closer to his age. If you are happy to be a single mum to 3 go for it but if not I would be v v wary here.

And when you're menopausal (which brings serious changes from being a "young" 40+ year old) and he's watching his mates with their similar age partners and families doing things you just don't want to...?

It's impossible to know. A step father who loves them and a sibling who they dote on. A step father who suddenly goes cold on them and a sibling they resent. A step father they love leaving and their mother being miserable. A step father they secretly dislike and a Mom who bounces back quickly. I mean it's anyone's guess isn't it.

Id be thinking of the long term first do i want to be doing the baby stage again,
Do i want to be still parenting in my 50s.
Teens in my 60s.
Menopause.
Cost,

I don’t think your age is the issue. If you had your first children fairly easily, you may not have too much trouble.

I just think you have only been together 2 years, not married, age gap, two (young) kids from a previous relationship. It all seems a bit complicated. What if your boyfriend wants a sibling for his biological child? Then you’ll be 44,45.

I totally understand where his family are coming from. Would I want my 30 year old son having a baby with a woman in her forties with a 5 and 8 year old from her previous relationship? Definitely not.