Can an age gap work long term?

[jotex]

I know there is no universal answer to this, but I’d like to get a few things off my chest and perhaps hear from others who have been in the same position.

I’ve been seeing a guy from work for a few months now. Things are going well, there’s great chemistry, we’re spending plenty of time together, and we’ve talked about the possibility of a relationship, though there is no desire from either side to rush things.

He is a fantastic guy and a total green flag. I’ve known him to see around work for a few years but as we work in completely different areas there was never any contact apart from an occasional hello in the mornings etc. At work he is known for being a total gentleman. I don’t really know how better to describe this, but think the way he dresses, interacts with people, how he carries himself etc.

We’re spending lots of time together and there is never any awkwardness. We’ve had sex once, and it was great. I was worried about seeing him at work afterwards in case it was going to be awkward but no, he was great. I know he’s not just going through the motions to get me into bed and I fancy him even more for this.

To cut a long story short, I fancy the pants off this man and he ticks all the right boxes for me. He is so genuine, kind, and handsome. However, I’m 29 and he is 48. He has never been married and has no baggage. We get on really well and while there are some generational differences they’re not cause for concern.

I know it sounds silly but I’m concerned about what other people might think of the age difference. My sisters already know about him and although they were skeptical in the beginning they have come around (I think), but my dad and other family members will have to know too. My other concern is the question of kids. I know that I want kids and a family of my own in the future. I know, we’re a long way off but the thoughts of bringing babies into this world with a man who will already be in his 50s makes me reflect a bit.

Has anyone done this? What do I need to know? Advice really appreciated.

Thanks MNers

The fact that he's having sex with a colleague two decades younger than himself means he most definitely isn't a gentlemen. If he has never married and had children to date i'm not sure why he'd want them now.

Does he want children?

It's a difficult one. On one hand relationships break up for many reasons, even if you're the same age. On the other hand he's nearly twenty years older than you and that will be difficult later on.

My advice would be to enjoy the relationship with no expectations. I'd go into it as a fling.

How did you end up having sex? We you on a date? What was the date?

My best friends husband is 17 yrs older than her. They got together when she was 30. They have 2 children. He was a lad in his day. We are from a small town and EVERYONE warned her against him.

They are still together 23 yrs now. He's retired and she's a SAHM. They have a lovely little cosy life together.

I think you have to go with your heart. No one can see into the future.

Celine Dion husband was like 20+ years older than her, they have two kids , the guy was married twice before he married Celine. Just saying.

My sister was in a relationship with a guy 25 years older than her, my mum persuaded her to finish things off with him for 'obvious' reasons. She been now married to a guy her age around 20 years , her current 'perfect' husband is cheating on her & she is too ashame to tell anyone ( I know from other sources).

Personally, I'd get to know him properly and if things work out & you're on the same page about having family etc. I'd go for it. Its your life & your happiness. Best of luck .

Have the conversation about expectations early on so that you’re both on the same page and keep communicating well with eachother.

We’re 13 years apart and are just about to celebrate our 25th anniversary. Have kids and grandkids and a blended family which works very well (in fact we’re going out with his ex wife and her husband this weekend).

We’re everything that many of the judgemental and narrow minded posters on MN says doesn’t work but you make your own story together and learn how to just roll your eyes at people who claim to know better but don’t.

I was about to post and say definitely, DH and I have 9 years between us and have been together 25 years.
In all honesty though your age gap seems insane, my DH is just starting to look and act like an older man in his early 50s and that’s fine with me in my 40s but 10 years ago I wouldn’t have been ready for that.

My concern wouldn’t be about the age gap. It would be that he is still single with no children at 48.

Most men who are healthy and well adjusted and want long term commitment and a family get scooped up in their 20s. Why is this one so great but still out there floating around at nearly 50? My guess is there is a red flag there that you haven’t spotted yet.

What are the generational differences out of curiosity?

Lots of couples I know with big age gaps, including my own parents, have had fabulous relationships for years when “age and stage” wasn’t an issue. It’s when one is elderly and one is still middle aged when cracks appear ime. 29 and 48 can be great. 49 and 68 can be great. 59 and 78 - these people are not in the same stage anymore. 65 and 84 — one of you is still at the age when most of your friends are still working, still a few years off state pension age, and the other is at an age when only a few people are still dynamic and spritely.

This! The men I know nearing 50 who've never married or had kids wouldn't want them now. They all have a string of relationships with younger women that "don't work out". Which I decode as "she wanted commitment".

19 years is just too much I think.

I think "good guy" and "is dating someone who wasn't born when he became a legal adult" are mutually exclusive, sorry. And having children in your 50s is morally wrong, in my opinion. So if he'd be willing to do that, I'd also not consider him a good guy.

But leaving aside morals, from a purely practical standpoint is this what you want from life? Do you want to be working for 20 more years when he retires? Does he want to spend his retirement limited by you working and not being able to go on trips, still having adult children at home etc? He'd be retirement age before your children are even adults.

Do you want to be limited in what you can do in your 50s by his potential ill health? My dad is 73 and my parents can't go abroad because he can't afford travel insurance for him. And he was always super healthy in his younger years just unlucky.

Do you want to be widowed and deal with your children's grief in your 60s? My dad was 42 when I was born and his health means I'll likely lose him before I'm 40, and before his grandkids are out of primary school. Your husband would have 10 years less than that with the kids/grandkids even.

If you worry about what other people think in life in general you’re always going to be screwed-people say things to make conversation and never think of it again, you throwing away the possibility of love over that is nuts! Do you have a lot in common outside of work? Do you like the same music, films, are you both eg outdoorsy or into eg theatre or into gigs if you know what I mean? If all you actually talk about is work and the now that’s tough with an age gap. My mum and dad had a ten year age gap, when my dad first went in for heart surgeries and suddenly ‘aged’ my mum said her parents had said to her about the age gap when they first got together and said ‘you will get a shock’ (they had a ten year age gap too😅).

Of course he has baggage, unless he is a virgin at 48. Which arguably also amounts to baggage.

I think you should go for it. I had a wonderful relationship with a man in his 50s when I was in my 20s. Now I’m 48 and the man I’m with now is 69, we’re very happy.

Mumsnet is very against age gap relationships yet the vast majority who are complaining about their husbands and being cheated on are married to men of a similar age to themselves.

I only had a 10 year age gap but he seemed to age so fast suddenly and I was still young.

I got the ick and ended it before it got even worse.

Funnily enough he’s now 45 still pops up occasionally to have another go at convincing me to try again because he’s permanently single with no kids. Last time we spoke he said he wanted kids ‘one day after getting married’. You’re pushing 50!

I know 45 isn’t old but he developed what I’d call a grandad look about him. He had an old person posture , frumpy, cardigans, Jesus sandals. Not for me 😂

Having seen my godmother and then a good friend turn into carers because of the 17 and 20 year age gaps, I would caution against it long term.

At the point in their lives they were free of parenting respawns ready to travel, have fun, enjoy freedom and financial stability, they instead lost 10 to 20 years of their lives to becoming careers. They were unhappy, ground down and resentful.

Even before that the difference in what they had energy for compatibility their husbands was stark. She’s 48, ready to go out and socialise, activities midweek etc, he’s 68 and wants to be home by 10.

My SIL is 62 and BIL is 80. Both still work, they are classical musicians. I've known a few people with large age gap relationships. Generally, they seem to work well. The only ones i knew who got divorced met and married when she was very young - I think still 17 and needing parental permission. That was a whole other ballgame than SIL who was 30 when she met BIL

haha my hubby is 47 & we have 11mth old I suppose that's immoral too?! Or because he is 3 years off being 50 is it still ok??

Well, as you said, there's no universal answer for this, it depends on people and circumstances.
My husband is thirty years older, married for 20 years, wouldn't swap with anyone.
Never had to work, have children or put myself out, set up for life.
It was exactly what I wanted, plus he is old school, decent, healthy, does what he can to make our lives easier still.
Since I was a kid, I wanted a life with as few people in it as possible and to do as little as possible regarding these things we "must" do, but don't want to. Hated the idea of sex as well from early teenage years.
He gave me this life. 👍
No offence intended in any way, everyone is different.

If I say that having a baby over 50 is morally wrong, why is your husband who had one at 46 relevant?

For the record, I’d say he’s in a morally grey area. Not a certainly bad person like someone over 50 would be, but I do feel sorry for your child.

Just go for it, OP. Have fun!

If a couple of years down the line, the baby thing becomes an issue (as in, he doesn’t want one), then you can cut your losses. You will still be young enough to meet someone else.

Well- I met DH when I was 29 and he was 49. We had our first child when he was 56 and our second when he was 58. We are 52 and 72 now. Still together- still happy. He's my best friend.

I knew going in that one day I would most likely be a carer for him. He's currently alot fitter than I am as i have a few chronic conditions. But I knew from the beginning I would probably be a carer and a relatively young widow. If you can cope with that as a clear-eyed concept and do 't run screaming when the reality hits then I can't see why it will not work.

I don’t think this thread will make it any clearer for you to be honest.

Can it work? Of course?

Would I do it? Absolutely not. But you aren’t me.

I always wanted kids. I wouldn’t be wanting kids with a man just entering his 50s. Or likely into his 50/ by the time the relationship. Has been going long enough to be ready for kids. I also couldn’t respect a man approaching 50 having a clandestine work relationship with a woman in her twenties. I have seen it at work a few times and it’s just not ideal. And unfortunately, when these things come out. It’s always the woman who get negatively impacted by it. It’s not fair. But it’s how it is. The old man with a reputation of being a complete gentleman won’t be viewed in the same way.

My Dad is a fit and healthy 70 year old who cared for my mum before she passed at 66. Dad was a few months younger. So I am fully aware you can be a carer whatever your age. And you can be old and super fit. But I wouldn’t want to be setting myself up to be a carer in my late 40/ early 50s. Especially if I was planning on having younger kids or teens around.

My kids are a teen and an adult. I wouldn’t want to be looking after an elderly partner as well.

and it’s more likely. Not a given. But more likely. I also would t want to be in my mid 40s with a retired partner. Not for me.

Nice to see no judgment for OP that is doing exactly the same in Reverse

if she was an impressionable 18 year old you might have a point but she’s a 29 year old establishments woman