Can an age gap work long term?

[jotex]

I know there is no universal answer to this, but I’d like to get a few things off my chest and perhaps hear from others who have been in the same position.

I’ve been seeing a guy from work for a few months now. Things are going well, there’s great chemistry, we’re spending plenty of time together, and we’ve talked about the possibility of a relationship, though there is no desire from either side to rush things.

He is a fantastic guy and a total green flag. I’ve known him to see around work for a few years but as we work in completely different areas there was never any contact apart from an occasional hello in the mornings etc. At work he is known for being a total gentleman. I don’t really know how better to describe this, but think the way he dresses, interacts with people, how he carries himself etc.

We’re spending lots of time together and there is never any awkwardness. We’ve had sex once, and it was great. I was worried about seeing him at work afterwards in case it was going to be awkward but no, he was great. I know he’s not just going through the motions to get me into bed and I fancy him even more for this.

To cut a long story short, I fancy the pants off this man and he ticks all the right boxes for me. He is so genuine, kind, and handsome. However, I’m 29 and he is 48. He has never been married and has no baggage. We get on really well and while there are some generational differences they’re not cause for concern.

I know it sounds silly but I’m concerned about what other people might think of the age difference. My sisters already know about him and although they were skeptical in the beginning they have come around (I think), but my dad and other family members will have to know too. My other concern is the question of kids. I know that I want kids and a family of my own in the future. I know, we’re a long way off but the thoughts of bringing babies into this world with a man who will already be in his 50s makes me reflect a bit.

Has anyone done this? What do I need to know? Advice really appreciated.

Thanks MNers

It sounds like you're in those early 'heady days' Op!

You've had some great advice on this thread. I have the same age gap relationship with children and can't help but agree that it gets harder as time goes on.

Some other things to consider:

How much more work you may unselfconsciously pick up because 'he is older'
The impact to your social life if he wishes to socialise less
The age of him as a father, might your children only get 25 years with him? (I know we might all get hit by a bus tomorrow)
Financial responsibility and who bears the burden as you grow older
Your ability to manage resentment as life changes around you

The fact is that it's likely he'll age, be more tired and less active and you need to be able to make your peace with that.

It is an awful thought that you may end up as his carer, I used to brush that off as insignificant and 'worth the years of happiness', I'm less sure now. By the time you have raised children, looked after your no doubt aging parents, maintained a career and then looked after him, you could be looking at a long time before being free of the constraints of caring responsibilities.

Enjoy the time you have, but I'd try and frame it as fun rather than forever if I were you.

The immediate Main issues would be kids and marriage. Would he really want to become a father at 50 (if you rush it)?

The age difference will become apparent later on. When you're 41 he will be 60. When you're 51 he'll be 70. When you're 61 he might be dead , or in need of a carer as an 80 yo man.

I was 20 when I met my husband, and he was 41ish. We had sex on our first date and I never went home. We married within 6 months and have been married for over 30 years. We are fortunate that his health is good, but even if I become a youngish widow, I will still have had a long and fulfilling marriage.

You might last, and you might not, but I personally wouldn't let age be the thing that stopped me from trying.

Yes exactly this. DH retired when my youngest was 8 and does all the school runs, all the school plays and sports fixtures. most of the dinners and is very hands on. He was overjoyed to have his first child well into his 50s because he never thought he would have a family. (He had been divorced a very long time). I'm currently away for work for a few weeks and he and the boys are having a whale of a time 'the boys together'.

That's not immoral. save your judgement for many other specimens of fatherhood out there who fail their children.

A lot of people on here have a lot of prejudice here without ever having been in the same situation. My friend met her DH when he was 47 and she was 19 years younger. He never married and didn’t have kids, now (15 years later) they are married with kids.
My great aunt is married to someone 16 years older. He turned 80 last year, is fitter and healthier than most of the negative nancies here. He does sports every day, goes skiing, hiking, cycling, running and watches his diet. His grown up kids can’t keep up. He goes on holidays every year, and doesn’t have any major health problems.

My DGM was also a lot younger than my DGF. she was a young widow but he was the love of her life and she never regretted anything and was grateful for the beautiful times together.

OP life is short, if he makes you happy go for it. Nobody knows what is in 20/30/40 years.

We hardly speak about work at all actually, we’re in two totally different areas. We have plenty in common including a particular hobby so spending time with him is always enjoyable. There are some generational differences that come with the age gap, taste in music, social media etc, but in general I think he is a “young” 48 in many ways!

No

@TwirlyPineapple well I feel sorry for you for being so narrow minded.

People have relationships & children at different ages. One of the benefits of having kids at later stage is that you're more patient, have more life experience & don't throw ignorant comments like yours without thinking.

There is certainly not 'one size suit all' when it comes to life.

Aside from the age gap I'd be a very cautious here OP. You've been seeing each other for just a few months, are still only exploring the 'possibility' of a relationship, you say there's no rush from either side etc. However, you're obviously very keen and he 'ticks all your boxes' for a partner.

But do you know what he actually wants from a relationship? Not specifically with you, but in terms of general aspirations? Does he want to settle down and have kids? He's 48 and never been married. Lovely and genuine as he may be, he may not be the marrying type. Maybe he's a serial monogamist? It's easy to think because you get on so well a will lead to b will lead to c. But that may not be how he sees things, especially if he's got to his late 40s without achieving any of those life goals. I think you need to find out what he wants long-term to see if your relationship goals align, before you start worrying about age gaps and babies with him.

Ah OP welcome to mumsnet, where age gaps are awful and he’s clearly using and abusing you and saw you coming and is clearly deep down a covert narcissist who is going to ruin your life….

15 years here between me and husband. 2 kids, he gave up (voluntarily without me asking!) a lot of hobbies and social drinking for me and he genuinely is the biggest green flag going. Emotionally mature, honest and decent..and the sex is amazing but that’s just a bonus! Go for it and feck what anyone else things.

my parents weren’t happy at the start, fast forward to now and my mum actually came to my house on one errand to apologise to my husband for how she judged him because she can see we are genuinely happy and healthy and I suppose as a mother that’s all you want. That didn’t happen overnight though it was 3 years in before she came round completely, me and my husband had to go through a lot of shit because of my family and their judgment but it made us stronger and more resilient and even more sure of each other.

i’m writing this as I’m lying in bed (we alternate who gets up at the weekends with the kids) and can hear husband downstairs singing nursery rhymes with our youngest. It all worked out perfect ❤️

Men get old FAST. When you’re still young and with the world at your fingertips he’ll be touching 60….

he is 48. He has never been married and has no baggage

I'd find this one a mahooooosive red flag.

MN will tell you theres nothing wrong with a man having babies in his 50s.
Science says different..The risks of autism and other conditions go up.

Also, you will be his carer when you are relatively young, so be prepared for that.

Tbh OP it sounds as if any advice is redundant as you’ve already made up your mind he's what you want

15 years between my PIL. He died at 74. She's been alone for almost as long as they were married. DH, the youngest of 5, was in his early 20s.

You'd need to have the conversation about being his carer for 20 years. I couldn't do it. When I was on dating apps in my early 40s all the old men were looking for much younger women. It was grim.

So in short I'd say in the short term fine. In the long term it's a pretty grim prospect.

Catch us up in 20 years.

And I say this as someone in a relationship with a similar age gap. The difference is I'm very aware of what the future will very likely look like , but for my own reasons I'm ok with it and I have contingency plans. Life isn't just... right now.

My dad was 46 when I came along.

Naturally, when I was 10 he was 56.
My friends dad's were under 25-35 or so. He was always the oldest one at the gate. Got mistook for my grandad very often.
As I got older, he got older and he couldn't join in as most the dads were. Sports days and school outings and such. He died before I was 30.

I also think men get stodgy and middle aged earlier than women, judging from the number of posts complaining about men only in their 50s who dont want to go anywhere. And in my experience.

Of course, that's anecdata. Perhaps there are lots of men still going out and having fun in their 50s and 60s..I haven't met any though!

Only a total sleeze bag would shag a colleague 20 years younger than him, green flags my arse!!

There’s an 8 year age gap between my and my DP (I’m the older one) and we met at work.
It was supposed to be some sort of “fun”… 2 years later he now lives with me and my daughter and our baby is due in July 😂

The only concern I’d have is that your “potential” is 48 but doesn’t have children and has never married.
Has he ever been in a long-term relationship?
Are his reasons for not settling down before good enough for you to understand why?

If you enjoy his company and have common interests and chemistry, go for it OP.
Life is short.

10?years between dh and l - he is 58 l am 48 and we already have different energy levels. It works because he is happy for me to crack on and do things without him.
If it turns out to be serious, l think years down the line , this gap would be an issue.

The tail end of your relationship with be challenging.

DH is 18 years older than I am, we married when I was 27 and have 2 DC. We are together 18 years now and married 15 and very happy together. Ironically his health is great and mine isn't.

My 38 year old friend broke up with a boyfriend of 7 years at 27 because he didn't want children. She is still single and childless and her fertility window is closing fast. She hasn't met anyone to settle down, not for the lack of trying. If children are important to you and he id open yo the idea I would pursue this relationship. I think older men in general make excellent fathers and husbands

Hmmm, easier said than done. She might have attached herself on him by then.

OP, I would stick to -+ 5 years age gap. 20 years is way too much