Can an age gap work long term?

[jotex]

I know there is no universal answer to this, but I’d like to get a few things off my chest and perhaps hear from others who have been in the same position.

I’ve been seeing a guy from work for a few months now. Things are going well, there’s great chemistry, we’re spending plenty of time together, and we’ve talked about the possibility of a relationship, though there is no desire from either side to rush things.

He is a fantastic guy and a total green flag. I’ve known him to see around work for a few years but as we work in completely different areas there was never any contact apart from an occasional hello in the mornings etc. At work he is known for being a total gentleman. I don’t really know how better to describe this, but think the way he dresses, interacts with people, how he carries himself etc.

We’re spending lots of time together and there is never any awkwardness. We’ve had sex once, and it was great. I was worried about seeing him at work afterwards in case it was going to be awkward but no, he was great. I know he’s not just going through the motions to get me into bed and I fancy him even more for this.

To cut a long story short, I fancy the pants off this man and he ticks all the right boxes for me. He is so genuine, kind, and handsome. However, I’m 29 and he is 48. He has never been married and has no baggage. We get on really well and while there are some generational differences they’re not cause for concern.

I know it sounds silly but I’m concerned about what other people might think of the age difference. My sisters already know about him and although they were skeptical in the beginning they have come around (I think), but my dad and other family members will have to know too. My other concern is the question of kids. I know that I want kids and a family of my own in the future. I know, we’re a long way off but the thoughts of bringing babies into this world with a man who will already be in his 50s makes me reflect a bit.

Has anyone done this? What do I need to know? Advice really appreciated.

Thanks MNers

No she said her ex was a catholic priest I think

https://www.theguardian.com/science/2023/oct/22/the-perils-of-putting-off-fatherhood-why-it-poses-risks-to-childrens-physical-and-mental-health

I am going with the latter....

Oh Lord 😱😲😵‍💫🤣🤣🤣
She definitely likes a challenge and someone with status 😅😆

@KoalaHug no, we're in (and from) the UK and have an average standard of living. Not struggling to pay bills but live very simply and not luxuriously. We're going on holiday for the first time in 4 years, will probably be another few before we can do so again.

I am not going to say there aren't creepy old men out there. However, the way OP describes this gentlemen reminds me of my son't music teacher. (Even though the teacher is a man of modest means). I know this music teacher well as 1. he's been teaching my son music for over 5 years 2. he was our next door neighbour for 3 years before we moved. We mostly talk about my son's progress, very occasionally touch on other subjects, mostly about my son's life. He has a wicked sense of humour. The guy must be in his 70ies, keeps himself well and trim, always dressed nicely, goes out for walk every day, rain or shine. He does have friends as he would sometime say in relation to my query, "Oh, I am going to meet a friend". He eats healthy. (I know this because I used to offer to do his shopping in the early days of Covid when it was difficult to get online slots). I don't know why this guy is single, if he has ever been married etc. I don't think he has children. However, he sounds perfectly alright to me. He taught my friend's daughter until she dropped out in Year 7 and my friend thought he was a wonderful teacher (she would sit throught the lessons).

People judge you for all sorts of reasons.

Loads of people on Mumsnet end up single parents after seemingly reproducing with a suitable partner only to find out they are a waste of space Dad.

I would suggest as you are concerned it will not work out. You will live your life paranoid and ashamed.

It is more about you than him.

@KoalaHug to summarise, my standard of living is pretty much exactly the same as it was growing up.

My post wasn’t clear but yes, ex priest

In this instance, I would take a wild guess that he is gay. And if he is in his 70s now, may not be comfortable is coming out as such, due to his upbringing and just how things were when he was younger.

This most certainly doesn't seem to be the case with OP's "gentleman"

Thank you for replying and I wish you both well.

Absolutely not a problem, just have a good discussion about it.

A large number of relationships start at work, I don't think this is in anyway a red flag if he's single, you've been seeing him for a while and you expect it to continue.

My dad was 16 years older than my mum and they were happily married for 51 years until she died. He was 46 when I was born, and though he wasn’t really a hands-on’ dad, this was nearly 70 years ago and not that many dads were very involved in day to day childcare in those days.

I would say go for it.
What is the point of not trying to forge something - lots of older men have kids- Stanley Tucci- the lovely- has 2 young ones and he is 60 plus but he looks great.
Don't give up on this guy just for this reason. Other than age, what else makes you reflect? That is nothing in the scale of things.
Have a great time.

“A mess” might have been a bit of an exaggeration, but I’m starting to feel annoyed with myself because my last relationship and, seemingly, this one, just aren’t taking in the direction of where I thought I would be at 30 🙁

FWIW I moved to a foreign country a few years ago and decided to try find Mr. Right while here. This is my second serious attempt, but I didn’t specifically go out of my way to find problematic men. In the beginning in both relationships I didn’t even perceive certain things that later turned out to be problems, as problems.

Go for it

I think Melania and Donald Trump have 20 years between them

I know it’s easy to paint a certain picture of the older man who goes after the younger woman, but its really not the case here. He’s an office crush for plenty of women at work but they literally joke about how oblivious he is to it all. It took him months to say more than two words to me at all. We work in two very different areas, but I still know about him because so many people go on about how lovely and genuine he is, and he is! I’ve been to his house a number of times.

@jotex - you sound like the poster above who is 27, married to a 56 yo who believes that they "have a lot in common" and that it's about "a person, not age"....
Of course he is "that type of older man". If he suddenly decided he was ready for a relationship - there are apparently many options in the office - as he is so popular. But he reluctantly reciprocated with the youngest fan of his... For a reason - that reason being his aging and your youth. Can't blame him, really.

But as to you - why do you feel that you can't meet someone closer in age, so you have to settle for someone with a really short -use-by-date??
Have you tried counselling for your relationship/insecurities, etc?

To whoever said - MN is full of single parents, or divorced parents. Sure, but two divorced parents that are young enough to be in child's life for many years to come is better than a father with an energy of a grandfather... And age gap relationships break down just as often, if not more often...

And they are such a good example of a happy loving marriage. 😂