Can an age gap work long term?

[jotex]

I know there is no universal answer to this, but I’d like to get a few things off my chest and perhaps hear from others who have been in the same position.

I’ve been seeing a guy from work for a few months now. Things are going well, there’s great chemistry, we’re spending plenty of time together, and we’ve talked about the possibility of a relationship, though there is no desire from either side to rush things.

He is a fantastic guy and a total green flag. I’ve known him to see around work for a few years but as we work in completely different areas there was never any contact apart from an occasional hello in the mornings etc. At work he is known for being a total gentleman. I don’t really know how better to describe this, but think the way he dresses, interacts with people, how he carries himself etc.

We’re spending lots of time together and there is never any awkwardness. We’ve had sex once, and it was great. I was worried about seeing him at work afterwards in case it was going to be awkward but no, he was great. I know he’s not just going through the motions to get me into bed and I fancy him even more for this.

To cut a long story short, I fancy the pants off this man and he ticks all the right boxes for me. He is so genuine, kind, and handsome. However, I’m 29 and he is 48. He has never been married and has no baggage. We get on really well and while there are some generational differences they’re not cause for concern.

I know it sounds silly but I’m concerned about what other people might think of the age difference. My sisters already know about him and although they were skeptical in the beginning they have come around (I think), but my dad and other family members will have to know too. My other concern is the question of kids. I know that I want kids and a family of my own in the future. I know, we’re a long way off but the thoughts of bringing babies into this world with a man who will already be in his 50s makes me reflect a bit.

Has anyone done this? What do I need to know? Advice really appreciated.

Thanks MNers

My DF was 52 when he married DM. She was 28. His first wife had died. Older men are not odd if they find love beyond 40! The one issue is how they adapt to being older. Staying young at heart is important but if they stay fit and engaged with life, 19 years is not a deal breaker.

Ok how about you werent even an adult?

Whatever. You don’t know me, him, or anything about us.

Just no. My friend is going through this but 30 years on. He had his nice early retirement whilst my friend worked and supported them. She wants to retire early (but can't afford to) to avoid her entire retirement being a carer.

It's always some late 40s bloke snagging a late 20s woman (or worse, I have a friend what was 16 to his 25, yuk).

There is nothing wrong with a 10 year gap but the closer it gets to 20 the more it's great for the man and shit for the woman.

My SIL is 20 years younger than her DH. My partner and family had a lot of issues with the age gap when they first got together (20 and 40). Still together 20 years later and still very much in love

I’m a bit sceptical, I would be much less sceptical about 10 years gap.
I think you need to be on the same page about kids, goals and attitude to health issues. The last is more about mindset rather than age. I would be also curious why he haven’t had a serious relationship before.

I'm 10 years younger than my husband. Having to put up with judgemental people who've never even met us is probably the hardest part. For the record he is sporty and fit and in good health. He looks 10 years younger than he is and we often get asked if we met at university. Sadly I have lost several friends my own age (late 40s) due to cancer over the past few years. Marrying someone the same age as you is no guarantee that you won't be a young widow.

I say run OP.

You're a young woman with your life ahead of you, and he's a 48 year old loser chasing women 20 years younger than him. You can do a lot better.

I'm late 30s and I wouldn't want to date a 48 year old. He might look ok now, but give it 10 years...

Yep this.

Just enjoy the fling but don't let it cloud what your goals are in life (you said marriage/kids etc).

I doubt you're his first younger woman fling and you are just about young enough to think you have time on your hands before you need to settle down, just don't expect or hope for anything serious.

I know he was in his 30’s pursuing a child for a sexual relationship.

Having seen my godmother and then a good friend turn into carers because of the 17 and 20 year age gaps, I would caution against it long term.
And there's people with 1-2 year age gaps who turn into carers!!
I have friends with a 15 year age gap who've been married 20+ years and together since it was barely even legal. I've never really considered them as having that big an age gap until now when he's approaching retirement age and she very much isn't, and their kids are still teens who will need support through uni etc and he can't really afford to retire yet.

Is there any reason to think your friend wants children? Has he expressed any interest in having them (even in the abstract, not necessarily with you)?

You really don’t know anything at all.
As somebody above says, having to put up with judgemental people who've never even met us is probably the hardest part.

Out of interest, would it change your opinion had I been two months older and 18?

This question is asked regularly on MN.
You always get replies that say it has worked for us, my parents etc. Good for them. But the vast majority of age gaps of this size don't work long term with the relationship either broken down or the younger partner feeling trapped as the age difference becomes more significant later in life. Add in critical decisions on starting a family and generational views and you have significant challenges even before all the other usual challenges every relationship has. Read the posts from those that have been there carefully.
What's your relationship history? You describe him as a real gentlemen. None of our 20s daughters have ever described their boyfriends as real gentlemen and some have been definitely real gentlemen. It's a bit of an old fashioned term for a 29 year old young women to be describing their partner.
I suspect you will find out why he has no relationship history at his age pretty quickly, but nothing wrong with enjoying the moment if you are both single and having a good time.

Well at least there’s a bit more clarity about why exactly your mum didn’t approve.

I imagine a lot of people are judgemental about a 33-year-old man having a relationship with a 17-year-old girl, yeah. Probably because it's fucking grim. I'd run a million miles from a man like that.

And no, it wouldn't make a difference if you were 18 and 34 rather than 17 and 33. It's still grim.

It's good that you feel it's worked out for you and you have no regrets.

However, the experience difference is so big and the potential for such an unbalanced power dynamic between a 17 yr old (or an 18 yr old) and a person in their 30s.

I wouldn't be happy about my own teenaged son or daughter being with someone so much older.

Much better you are with someone who treats you well than nearer your own age. It’s early days but the people that matter won’t care and the people that care don’t matter.

This is me, I am trapped. You are absolutely right.

Honestly I couldn't be with someone almost 20 years older than me. Having kids with a man in his 50s, by the time you're in your mid 40s he'll be retiring - it's just too much of a big gap IMO. I'm sure it works for others but wouldn't be for me.

Not at all. Just turned 18 rather than a child is not much better in anything other than the law. Groom ass men in their 30’s should not be seeking out sex from teenagers. Unfortunately there is nothing anyone here can say to you because you were groomed by a paedo from such a delicate age.

Am I adding this up correctly that you are now 42ish? So his kids are less than 10 years younger than you? That’s pretty grim. You could have been at school with them.,

The number of threads on here with women dealing with unfaithful and generally unpleasant/irresponsible age-similar spouses is deeply depressing. I cannot see that there is anything worse about an older man who sounds responsible and caring.

Partnering up is always a risk - My late OH and I were only 2 years apart in age and he got a grim neurodegenerative disorder and I finished up as his carer - it is all a lottery.

I think the question for the OP is when to broach these important topics - wanting children, how to deal with the situation of care expectations etc. Maybe enjoy what you have for a while longer and then broach these subjects. You are only a few months in. Honesty and openness has to be the best way forward.

This was the first thing my sisters said to me, and the thought crosses my mind too of course. I don’t want to be too revealing, but settling down in his 20s was not on his radar for a specific reason. Later on he was happy on his own and dedicated to his career.

We’ve spoken very openly about expectations from either side and what a potential future might look like. Not because either of us are in a rush, but just to be transparent. I’m dating for fun first and foremost, but personally if I can’t imagine myself married to him or see him as the father of my children, I’m just not going to be interested.

He says that he would like to settle down. He was happy on his own earlier on in his career (academia). He’s had a couple of relationships in the past obviously but from what he has told me there has been nothing out of the ordinary. They’ve all been around his age (i.e he doesn’t have a penchant for young impressionable girls like myself 🙄), and nobody from work. He’s an office crush for plenty of women at work, and he knows this, but he has never played into it. He’s quite shy - it took him months to start talking to me!

It was in the comfort of my own home, initiated by me.