Can an age gap work long term?

[jotex]

I know there is no universal answer to this, but I’d like to get a few things off my chest and perhaps hear from others who have been in the same position.

I’ve been seeing a guy from work for a few months now. Things are going well, there’s great chemistry, we’re spending plenty of time together, and we’ve talked about the possibility of a relationship, though there is no desire from either side to rush things.

He is a fantastic guy and a total green flag. I’ve known him to see around work for a few years but as we work in completely different areas there was never any contact apart from an occasional hello in the mornings etc. At work he is known for being a total gentleman. I don’t really know how better to describe this, but think the way he dresses, interacts with people, how he carries himself etc.

We’re spending lots of time together and there is never any awkwardness. We’ve had sex once, and it was great. I was worried about seeing him at work afterwards in case it was going to be awkward but no, he was great. I know he’s not just going through the motions to get me into bed and I fancy him even more for this.

To cut a long story short, I fancy the pants off this man and he ticks all the right boxes for me. He is so genuine, kind, and handsome. However, I’m 29 and he is 48. He has never been married and has no baggage. We get on really well and while there are some generational differences they’re not cause for concern.

I know it sounds silly but I’m concerned about what other people might think of the age difference. My sisters already know about him and although they were skeptical in the beginning they have come around (I think), but my dad and other family members will have to know too. My other concern is the question of kids. I know that I want kids and a family of my own in the future. I know, we’re a long way off but the thoughts of bringing babies into this world with a man who will already be in his 50s makes me reflect a bit.

Has anyone done this? What do I need to know? Advice really appreciated.

Thanks MNers

If you want to have children then steer clear of men who are grandad age. This man is grandad age as he's old enough to be your dad. Find someone around your age.

My DD is 29 and I would be concerned if she was dating a 48 year old, especially one that's never had children or married.
I assume he's more senior? That would be a red flag for me.
It would be like me dating an 80 year old. No thanks.

My relationship history is such a mess 🥲 My most recent ex was a catholic priest. Why can’t I just find someone normal?

I really like the current guy. I know it’s such a huge cliché but he’s so old fashioned, a real gentleman. Gorgeous, rich, and treats me right 🥲 argh

@jotex genuinely not saying this to be bitchy at all, but how's your relationship with your Dad?

My relationship with my dad is great. I think I know what you’re hinting at but it’s not that.

Thanks all for the varying replies. Reading all of them but probably won’t be able to respond to each one.

A 48yo who has never settled down - "a huge green flag"? Hmmm
If you were a friend - I'd tell you - have your fun. Follow your attraction and date him. You are clearly enjoying his attention and dating a mature guy when you are in your 20s - can be fun. And different from dating younger men who are in so many ways are still juvenile. I have been there.
However - do not think of this as long term.

You are young. You think that the young 48yo will stay this way for a long time. But it's not what happens to most men. Men age quite quickly after they hit 50/55. They slow down, and slowly start turning into grumpy old men...

It is hard enough to have children with men your own age. It's draining, takes so much out of you and and puts pressure on any relationship. A 50yo man who didn't want to settle down in his 30s and 40s (because he was enjoying his "single life") - is not likely to have the energy and self sacrifice that parenting will require.

You two may really like each other. But you are in different stages in life. You have a long life in front of you. He does not. There is no way around it.
If you want to have kids - it's better to have them with someone closer in age, someone who will be around for a long part of the kids lives.

And - I'll also say this. Age difference relationships work when women are young, and men are still in their 40/50s. But fast forward 20 years.
Do you really think you want a 68yo partner when you are his age?

CPTSD

I have a good friend whose husband is 17 years older than her. It was absolutely fine until he became an old man, and while she stands by him and still loves him, I know it is hard for her to live the life of a 90 year old man when she's only in her early 70s.

It seems your own sister has concerns and she's known you your whole life.
I would take a bit more note of what she thinks. Has she met him?

I think the reason he is single and unmarried at 48 is relevant. He had relationships and none of them lasted. Why not?

Although it is a large age gap, that isn't the thing I would have focused on. The above is.

By all means keep it light, but why does he want to settle down now?

I was 28 when I married my husband and there is a 30 year gap. We have now been married 31 years, so give this relationship a shot.

Discuss if you want children - I didn't, nor him at nearly 60 when we married. Now I'm nearly 60, he's 90 and we are still together.

Reading through some of the comments- the guy in question has the means to hire help if he is lacking energy to run after a toddler. A lot of Mumsnetters complain about lack of support from much younger men! It's pointless to speculate what happens after OP turns 70 (or 50 for that matter)- many marriages fail long before that. The reason the guy never settled could be because he is choosy for a want of a better word. If he proposes OP is unlikely to need to worry about him chasing other skirts. The key thing for me would be whether she can see him proposing and starting on the baby project within a couple of years. I wouldn't want OP to waste her fertility window on a relationship without long term prospects. A disclaimer- I have always valued stability and mutual respect in the relationship.

Anthony Bridgerton "I a am gentleman"

I think it's creepy and yucky. I think he shows poor judgement going for a woman 20 years younger off work.

I think he is too old to be a dad now.

I think he shagged other work women and isn't shy, he is a player who knows exactly what he is doing. The slow act is to safeguard his work and to not ruin his reputation among the work ladies. It's part of his ploy. He was great at work post sex because he has done this before.
At nearly 50 if he wanted to settledown he wouls have done so already. Have you even been to his home?

My relationship with my dad is great. I think I know what you’re hinting at but it’s not that.

I only ask because racking up a catholic priest and then someone old enough to be your dad is building up a picture.

I missed this reply OP.

Why can’t I just find someone normal?

Have a think about previous partners and what attracted you to them. You say your relationship history is a mess, so in a way there is a clue there that you tend to be attracted to men who essentially, are, not great relationship material.

And here comes Mr Green Flag (to you). He isn't doing the same things you overlooked at first with ex's. It doesn't mean to say that this is a green flag though OP. There are many many things that are red flags. And you are overlooking a major one.

As I said, have fun with him. Go out, have dates, have good sex. But, do not discuss settling down. He is single bachelor boy at 48 for a reason.

As an aside...

Are Catholic priests not celibate?

He so isn't full of green flags!

48 never married 🚩
Flirts with women 20 years his junior 🚩
You fancy him more than just fun you'd be gutted if he just wanted a FWB. You don't need to pretend you just want fun to be a cool girl and not scare guys off, if you want kids and marriage be specific and upfront about it. Guys know very quickly if they want to marry you or not, the right guy won't be scared off.

You seem to like stigma relationships and 'impossible love'. Maybe you felt unimportant as a child and want someone unlikely to pick you and sacrifice to be with you. Straight forward romances probably don't interest you. You like an element of shock and societal challenge for your relationship

This. If you had a child or two he’d be a pensioner when they were off to uni. It’s not necessarily a deal breaker but it’s something to consider.

I've NC'd for this but I'm 27 married to a 56 year old man. It works for us very well, we're very happy and our family life is simple but wonderful. It was the person, not the age for me, we have so much in common (not our upbringing but our interests and likes).

Oh posters will tell you it’s fine.
It’s not for me, I’ve seen too many nurse maids.Things to consider:
Would he be so keen to shag a woman 20 years his senior?
Would you be happy to be a young widow?
Would you be happy to continue to be the bread winner long after he has retired?
Would you be happy to risk having children with an old man, and all the health risks involved with old sperm?
Would you be happy to cope with senile dementia when you are still fit and well?
48 isn’t old. Yet when you are 48 he will be retired and at home all day every day.
By the time you reach state retiring age, he might be unable to do the things you want to do.
This is of course a long way off, but I’ve seen thus many times.

It's always older men and younger women, isn't it? So rarely the other way around, even though age is just a number blah blah.

They are indeed so either the poster is fleabag or this all made up

Is he rich by your family standards?

I would have said this a few years ago. Trust me, it's absolutely not the same when you're in your 50s and you are the younger partner. And our age gap is nowhere near as big as yours. I'm not trying to be negative, I'm being realistic, but I thought like you 20 years ago.

I think op said ex priest