Can an age gap work long term?

[jotex]

I know there is no universal answer to this, but I’d like to get a few things off my chest and perhaps hear from others who have been in the same position.

I’ve been seeing a guy from work for a few months now. Things are going well, there’s great chemistry, we’re spending plenty of time together, and we’ve talked about the possibility of a relationship, though there is no desire from either side to rush things.

He is a fantastic guy and a total green flag. I’ve known him to see around work for a few years but as we work in completely different areas there was never any contact apart from an occasional hello in the mornings etc. At work he is known for being a total gentleman. I don’t really know how better to describe this, but think the way he dresses, interacts with people, how he carries himself etc.

We’re spending lots of time together and there is never any awkwardness. We’ve had sex once, and it was great. I was worried about seeing him at work afterwards in case it was going to be awkward but no, he was great. I know he’s not just going through the motions to get me into bed and I fancy him even more for this.

To cut a long story short, I fancy the pants off this man and he ticks all the right boxes for me. He is so genuine, kind, and handsome. However, I’m 29 and he is 48. He has never been married and has no baggage. We get on really well and while there are some generational differences they’re not cause for concern.

I know it sounds silly but I’m concerned about what other people might think of the age difference. My sisters already know about him and although they were skeptical in the beginning they have come around (I think), but my dad and other family members will have to know too. My other concern is the question of kids. I know that I want kids and a family of my own in the future. I know, we’re a long way off but the thoughts of bringing babies into this world with a man who will already be in his 50s makes me reflect a bit.

Has anyone done this? What do I need to know? Advice really appreciated.

Thanks MNers

My parents have a similar age gap. They have been together very happily for a long time. I think as they get older the age gap is becoming more noticeable, though. My Mum has always enjoyed great physical health, my Dad hasn't. Now he's an old man and my Mum is still in her prime, really, and that's very hard for them both. What isn't noticeable now may become more so in the fullness of time. If you want this to be a lasting relationship then go into it being aware that that may look like you becoming his carer in 30 years. Are you ok with that? Obviously that could happen in any relationship, but it's certainly more likely in one where one partner is very likely to still be fully physically fit at the point when the other is very elderly.

Even if it was all great he will start to physically deteriorate 20 years before you. We could hike 20 miles, now we are down to 10 miles as almost 30 years have passed. Age catches up with us all however fit we are. Plus depending on finances you could find yourself working whilst he has retired for quite a few years. When I was young I had an older colleague declare love, if honest I was repulsed as he was old enough to be my Dad. Deep down I wonder why some of us are and some are not. Mine was just a gut reaction without any thoughts churning in my head.

I think this is a horrible response!

What on earth is wrong with meeting someone through work? The OP is only two years off 30!!! He’s not having sex with an 18 year old office junior. She’s a fully grown adult.

If she was a 48 year old woman and he was thirty you’d say ‘enjoy’

Wow you are so rude and judgemental! ‘Someone having a baby over 50 is a bad person’

A bad person is an absent father, abusive, cold, alcohol or drug abuser, won’t work. Age has absolutely nothing to do with the type of parent you are. That comes from the heart.

I don't think the age gap will seem significant now, but - he'll be retired in 20 years, while you'll still have another 15-20 years left in work.

Seems a long way off, but I think it's as you get older, age gaps start to bite.

I'd also be a bit worried about him never having had a serious relationship before.

They met when Celine was 12 and Rene was nearly 40, so I'd not be using these as a good example.

I know that I want kids and a family of my own in the future

If you are not careful, you'll likely give your fertile years to this man who clearly isn't into commitment and family life. Or if you do conceive, it won't be a balanced family as he will be nearing retirement as your child starts school. You'll likely resent his lack of effort and separate.

I can see why a charming 48M who has never settled down would have easy, casual noncommittal sex with a 29F.

The odds of him wanting to get lumbered with a wife and kids permanently? Probably somewhere around 0%.

Snap out of your white picket fence daydream OP 😆

There’s a 19 year gap for me and we’ve been married 18 years. It can work as long as it’s the right man. No power imbalance either before people start accusing

You might be right about expectations but there is literally no need to be so bitchy about it.

Your view on life is very depressing! Feel sad for you

Hmm. If he hasn't met anyone he wants to marry and have Dc with by now, why do you think he will with you?

The age gap is too big for me. He's heading into old man territory whereas you have all your life and reproductive years Ieft.

If you didn’t want kids I’d say go for it see what happens. But since you do I wouldn’t waste time on this. Could easily find yourself single again at 35 panicking about declining fertility.

The age gap will show more as you age. Once my DH got into his 50’s his libido took a nose dive, along with his erection.
We had our last child in his late 40’s, and he said no more, he couldn’t cope with it. He’s 10 years older than me.

I came to say this. I'm the younger person in this situation. It was fine when we were younger but we're now at vastly different stages and I feel bored and lonely and trapped. I love him but I feel that I'm wasting some of the best years that I have left. It's very very hard and I wouldn't recommend such a big age gap OP.

I don't think I've heard of anyone nearly 50 with no baggage. Has he talked about his past partner's? Do you know much about his private life? People are completely different at work than they are behind closed doors.

I suppose if you want a relationship you'll have to consider quite a few things.

-You might have to get used to people thinking that you're his daughter. Although you both adults people can be harsh and judge.

-Him retiring 20 years before you.

-Him getting older and might need you to care for him, more than you would someone 20 years younger.

-Would you want children and would he? Would he be fit and healthy enough to see his children grow up and run around after them.

But saying all this you could date a fit and healthy 30 year old who might become ill or might make a crap partner. You never know what's around the corner.

I've only seen it work when the older man is very well off.

One issue is you want kids - does he? He will be in his 50's and may well not want sleepless nights etc. It is also sad for the kids if he's already mid 50s and therefore will be in his 70s before they're even out of the teenage years. This was the case for a friend and she didn't leave home for uni as her dad was 74 and starting to struggle health wise and she felt bad leaving her mum to cope with looking after him and her younger siblings, who I imagine based on age was likely struggling with menopause herself.

A family member has a 18 year age gap. They had 2 kids before she was 25 so that meant less issues in terms of the kids but became an issue when he retired. He was mid 60s but wife was mid 40s and no where near retiring yet. He got really quite grumpy because she was always at work and it left him alone at home. He wanted to go on holidays etc and spend his 60s having fun while he had the health to do so and she obviously couldn't get the time off work. But she had to work to build up her retirement fund because it is of course most likely he will pass first and she needs a source of income. By the time she can retire with him he will be in his 80s.

I think the age gap is an issue because you will be at different life stages potentially. The bigger question is are you compatible regarding long term plans, children etc ?

You must whatever factor in that at 40 when you'll be still feeling young he'll be nearly 60 and we change quite a bit in our 50's i would personally say, only an 8 year gap and there are distinct differences in outlook, I can afford to retire really early and make up my ni for the remaining 4 years, with a 19 year gap this is less likely.

Forget about others' views just think about the practicalities, I'm not sure it really works for more than 10 years difference without significant compromises. My dm's friend (huge age gap) nursed her dh for 20 years and now is alone and own health is declining

and this wouldn’t happen being in a relationship with someone of the same age?

I think a guy who's never married or had kids at 48 does have baggage, it's just a different kind. It's not the greatest sign that he's a catch and ripe for commitment. I'd enjoy it for what it is but forget any long term fantasies about it. People - not just men - change a lot from 40s to 50s, and the chances are extremely high he's not gonna be who you need to be with in your 30s and beyond. My brother and his wife have a 10 year gap. They just had their second dc - my brother is 52, he was v fit and young for his age but now he's absolutely knackered, wanted to stop at 1 kid and got his arm twisted but it's been a grind with ivf and now when he wants to slow down he's looking at working and parenting till his 70s. Think about it - this guy of yours has gone for a woman in her 20s. He's not sending out great long-term partner signals purely by that! And the rest of it is a massive longshot. Nothing stopping you having some fun now but don't get carried away with romantic fantasies.

These threads on Mumsnet always seem to go the same way OP.
The truth is every relationship whether with an age gap or not is not the same as anyone else's.
Only you can decide whether this would work for you.
Fwiw here is my lived experience.
Similar gap and we also met at work. I believe that a work environment can give you a good sense of someone as they don't put on a romantic best behaviour. I'd known DH for about a year and seen him react under pressure and how he treated others.
No wife or kids. His previous relationships had been with women who had completed their families.
However, he had not closed that door. We married.
Have three children. He retired very early so I could carry on building my career and did all the childcare, cooking etc and ran the home.
I have the best life with a loving husband. I don't care that I may have to be his career. Many end up in this situation without an age gap. He's cared for me throughout our 30 plus year marriage.

No one knows what our future holds. What counts is the strength of your relationship and whether he is a good man who is compatible with your outlook, wants and beliefs.

10 years between 2 of my best friends - fell in love before she was 18. Not sure how long they went out for, but married young. 62 and 52 now and still one of the most devoted couples I know!

I married a man 16 years older than me.
We’ve been together 25 years now, two kids. We’re, genuinely, very happy.
the age gap has never been an issue. He had kids when we met, that didn’t bother me and we have a great relationship now they are in their 30’s. I wanted kids of my own, he was happy with that and we had two.
I won’t lie and say the future doesn’t worry me a little bit - he will reach pension age when I am in my early 50’s and still have years left to work - but assuming he is fit and well enough, he will want to keep working (he’s a very busy person) and I wouldn’t trade thirty or more years of extremely happy marriage for the chance of being widowed younger than I would like or needing to care for my husband in his old age.

Recently in my work I met a family with four children under 10. The parents had met in their teens and had the children in their 20’s. They were the perfect family, dad was a rugby player, mum was gorgeous, well paid jobs, everything. Then the dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer at 34 and the mum gave up her job to care for him. There’s no guarantees. I say take your happiness where you find it.

How old were you when you met?

I know Mumsnet, and I predict cries of “grooming!” when I say I was 17.
but you would be wrong.
and I also know you’ll say that I just don’t realise what happened, and I still say you are wrong.