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Original poster

He cheated on me with a 20 year old he used to coach

478 replies

Lookslikelou · 14/01/2025 10:58

My husband turned 50 between Christmas and new year, we have been together for 25 years. He was a sports coach for many years, it’s an individual sport but he coached a club/team. This particular girl became his protege per se, he would get up early to coach her in the morning when she was 10/11 but she moved away. He kept in touch, first with her parents then as she got older with her. I don’t know if she even does the sport any more. Anyway she was in our city for new year and he had a party for his birthday the weekend before, he invited her and she came to the party. The next night he went out, he said to meet a friend, I didn’t question it.

Now he has been weird the last few weeks, quiet, not interested in sex etc. Last night he told me he had to tell me something and he told me that he met her at the pub, they got drunk, they went back to her hotel and had sex. I’m devastated, I wanted to ask so many questions about why etc. but I just cried. I asked if it only happened this once and he said yes.

I feel ill, he knew her when she was 9-12, she is younger than one of our daughters!!!

What do I do? Our marriage is over but how do I cope?!

OP posts:
Secondstart1001 · 14/01/2025 21:48

Sorry .. this is a terrible shock and so devastating that you you’ve been together for years, have grown up dc and this is the time that should have been yours together. It’s hard for you to make sense of this… esp if he’s never given you reason to think he would stray in the past. I hope your children bring you comfort and support, be kind to yourself and let others take care of you.
You don’t have to make life changing decisions right now but focus on yourself, the 20 year old isn’t your problem right now.
Seek legal advice for now while you decide what to do x

RockOrAHardplace · 14/01/2025 22:27

Joyfulspringflowers · 14/01/2025 16:03

What do you mean " their meeting wasn't planned"?
He invited her to his party so that was planned.
He arranged to go out with her the next evening. So that was planned - the other woman says the arrangement was for a group meeting up but he told OP he was meeting " a friend". So what the truth is nobody knows but them.
You make it sound as though they accidentally bumped into each other and ended up in bed. That was obviously not the case.

Show quote history

I'm not sure if you have seen the bit where the OPs daughter contacted the young lady but apparently the husband had arranged to meet one of his mates and she and her group of friends were encouraged by the brother of the person the OPs husband was with, to ALL go and see their old coaches. He had no plans t meet her although he had previously invited her to his party.

Joyfulspringflowers · 14/01/2025 22:46

RockOrAHardplace · 14/01/2025 22:27

I'm not sure if you have seen the bit where the OPs daughter contacted the young lady but apparently the husband had arranged to meet one of his mates and she and her group of friends were encouraged by the brother of the person the OPs husband was with, to ALL go and see their old coaches. He had no plans t meet her although he had previously invited her to his party.

Show quote history

Yes I did see that.
That was what the OW said.
However OP's H, on the night after the party, said he was going out to meet "a friend". He didnt mention that it was supposed to be a group of people he was meeting. But he had obviously at some point arranged to go out and meet this young woman, whether it was in a group situation or not. Obviously there was some planning involved or the meet up wouldn't have happened.

RockOrAHardplace · 14/01/2025 22:57

Joyfulspringflowers · 14/01/2025 22:46

Yes I did see that.
That was what the OW said.
However OP's H, on the night after the party, said he was going out to meet "a friend". He didnt mention that it was supposed to be a group of people he was meeting. But he had obviously at some point arranged to go out and meet this young woman, whether it was in a group situation or not. Obviously there was some planning involved or the meet up wouldn't have happened.

Show quote history

I think it depends how you read it, I read it that he went out with his male friend. Unexpectedly the male friends brother, who was out with his mates, including the young lady concerned, turned up.to say hi, it didn't sound premeditated to me.

FagsMagsandBags · 14/01/2025 23:02

h@Lookslikelou I'm so sorry this has happened to you and it must be shitty for your daughter to having something of a friendship with a girl who's had sex with her father. Was he grooming her? God knows, but he was definitely in contact with her which is how he knew she was in London when she was, inviting her to his party and then going out with her the next night indicates that he wanted something to happen and probably has for a while. This might well be a one off but it's not some I was drunk and my penis fell into her vagine type thing.

But. The person you need to focus on is you. How you deal with this and get through this is up to you and you certainly don't need to call her father or do anything at all that others are suggesting. Do people really think that when something devastating like this happens just about everyone can be logical and stoic about the situation? Sure, some people can but it's clearly left you utterly stunned. I'm guessing you're going to divorce him so when your head is on slightly more straight please think about the logistics of that and the getting your ducks in a row thing so that you're well looked after in the aftermath of all of this. Take care of yourself and remember that however awful this is right now it will get better, you will get through it and on the other side you will have a good life. It won't happen immediately but it will happen.

Copperoliverbear · 14/01/2025 23:09

Pervert, you are better off without him and you will survive, we are tougher than we think. X

Joyfulspringflowers · 14/01/2025 23:22

RockOrAHardplace · 14/01/2025 22:57

I think it depends how you read it, I read it that he went out with his male friend. Unexpectedly the male friends brother, who was out with his mates, including the young lady concerned, turned up.to say hi, it didn't sound premeditated to me.

Show quote history

Well it doesn't really matter in the scheme of things.
What matters is he ended taking the young woman back to her hotel room and having sex with her.
And whatever led up to it, that, for me, is the unforgivable thing. And that is what has shattered OP's life.

Annaannaannab · 15/01/2025 00:09

kkloo · 14/01/2025 21:31

How on earth do you know 'the facts'.
You don't.

Show quote history

Here are the facts - please tell me if I have made a mistake ?

  • he has slept with someone else whilst married - therefore cheating .
  • she has slept with a married man - therefore cheating.
  • She is a consenting adult .
kkloo · 15/01/2025 00:21

Annaannaannab · 15/01/2025 00:09

Here are the facts - please tell me if I have made a mistake ?

  • he has slept with someone else whilst married - therefore cheating .
  • she has slept with a married man - therefore cheating.
  • She is a consenting adult .
Show quote history

We don't know that she wasn't groomed,
I definitely wouldn't consider someone who was groomed to be 'cheating'.
.
We also don't know if it was consensual or not. She might not even know herself until much later on, it's often decades later when women understand predatory sexual experiences when they were younger...even when they were straight up raped.

You're also telling people to stop telling the OP that the father of her children is a predator. By my (and many other peoples) definition, he is a predator.

MsDogLady · 15/01/2025 01:09

Christl78 · 14/01/2025 21:13

I do wonder what he would do If this happened to one of his daughters. If one of the other coaches slept with one of his daughters.

Indeed, @Christl78. I would imagine he’d be apoplectic if a trusted older authority figure in his DD’s young life later had a ONS with her when she was barely out of her teens. It’s a taboo line that should never be crossed. He knows this, yet he chose to play with fire by pairing off with her at the pub and then heading off to her hotel room. This was not a balanced, equal transaction. He showed zero respect for his Wife, Daughters, former Student, or Himself.

H112 · 15/01/2025 01:16

He's been waiting for this. Did he groom anyone else ???

OhcantthInkofaname · 15/01/2025 03:00

How many other young girls did he coach? Are there more to show up?

Codlingmoths · 15/01/2025 03:02

L0bstersLass · 14/01/2025 13:14

@Lookslikelou This is a good idea and a much better idea than contacting her father.
Even if he is not coaching at the moment, I imagine the sport's governing body would want to know.

Sport England website says:
If there's no immediate danger to the child and they're not injured, you should report the concern:

  • If you're affiliated to a national governing body, refer to their safeguarding procedures about who to report the concerns to. If this isn’t available, report it via their complaints procedure or ring their main contact number.
  • If your club or activity isn’t affiliated to a governing body, you can seek support from your Active Partnership or your local children’s social care (social services).

A list of national governing bodies can be found here...

Show quote history

surely they won’t care?? She’s an adult and he hasn’t been her coach for 6 years. This is ridiculous.

FagsMagsandBags · 15/01/2025 04:49

I think it would be really helpful if people stopped telling the op to tell the girl's father or report him to a sports governing body or whatever else. She's wrecked and needs to concentrate on herself. I'm not convinced that telling any of the above is necessary or helpful but in the greater scheme of things it's not something op should have to be thinking about and it's really unhelpful to tell her she should be doing these things. The only thing she should be doing is looking after herself and getting her head around this massive betrayal.

TammyJones · 15/01/2025 06:07

@Annaannaannab

Here are the facts - please tell me if I have made a mistake ?

• he has slept with someone else whilst married - therefore cheating .
• she has slept with a married man - therefore cheating.

• She is a consenting adult .

THIS

DiscoBeat · 15/01/2025 06:18

Did he stop making contact with her parents when she was older and he began directly contacting her? If so there's the likely evidence of grooming, and maybe even paedophilia, making the affair a million times worse. And you have daughters!! There's no way I'd have anything more to do with him.

Annaannaannab · 15/01/2025 06:28

DiscoBeat · 15/01/2025 06:18

Did he stop making contact with her parents when she was older and he began directly contacting her? If so there's the likely evidence of grooming, and maybe even paedophilia, making the affair a million times worse. And you have daughters!! There's no way I'd have anything more to do with him.

“When she was older”

Do people not understand that paedophiles are attracted to children ? She’s an adult .

Also - if he was a paedophile who has been grooming this woman as a child then that’s a calculating , sinister and evil person. Do you really think he would have broken down crying and confessing like he did ??

DiscoBeat · 15/01/2025 07:32

Annaannaannab · 15/01/2025 06:28

“When she was older”

Do people not understand that paedophiles are attracted to children ? She’s an adult .

Also - if he was a paedophile who has been grooming this woman as a child then that’s a calculating , sinister and evil person. Do you really think he would have broken down crying and confessing like he did ??

Show quote history

You've misunderstood my point. I'm asking if her husband stopped contact with her parents when the girl was older, as that shows intent when she was very young.

Cetim · 15/01/2025 08:00

This thread has taken a turn for sure. The OP gave the facts as much as she knew and now it is getting skewed away from her pain into a discussion about consent, pedos and grooming. The 20 year old has confirmed it was consensual, she is ok but sorry and no he didn't talk to her as a child. It is wrong what he did and in my opinion perverted and gross but at the moment with what we know it's not illegal. I think the OP wants support not chastising for deciding not to go police, safeguarding board or to the other woman's dad.

Annaannaannab · 15/01/2025 08:07

DiscoBeat · 15/01/2025 07:32

You've misunderstood my point. I'm asking if her husband stopped contact with her parents when the girl was older, as that shows intent when she was very young.

Show quote history

It just doesn’t make sense to me .., I see groomers as paedohiles with an interest in the child / young person under the age of consent . I just don’t get trying to groom a child so that they can sleep with them when they are over the age of consent ? Just my view - I don’t have the mindset of someone that depraved to do that so I guess I don’t really know .

Annaannaannab · 15/01/2025 08:12

Cetim · 15/01/2025 08:00

This thread has taken a turn for sure. The OP gave the facts as much as she knew and now it is getting skewed away from her pain into a discussion about consent, pedos and grooming. The 20 year old has confirmed it was consensual, she is ok but sorry and no he didn't talk to her as a child. It is wrong what he did and in my opinion perverted and gross but at the moment with what we know it's not illegal. I think the OP wants support not chastising for deciding not to go police, safeguarding board or to the other woman's dad.

Edited

I agree . I think it’s gross , don’t get me wrong , but I wouldn’t say perverted . I think the words paedophile / pervert etc are thrown around a lot and it takes away the depravitiy of it .

Something a bit icky is not the same as someone with a sexual interest in a child who is a danger to children . This isn’t to protect the “icky” person , it’s to not let a paedo fall in to the icky category because it’s not icky it’s totally disgusting , dangerous and illegal .

I think OPs husband is a horrible cheat , he’s betrayed his wife and family and broken hearts but he’s not a paedophile and the last thing OP needs - when she is already broken hearted - is to have to start thinking she has been married to , and had children with , a paedophile.

Paradisegained · 15/01/2025 08:16

DiscoBeat · 15/01/2025 06:18

Did he stop making contact with her parents when she was older and he began directly contacting her? If so there's the likely evidence of grooming, and maybe even paedophilia, making the affair a million times worse. And you have daughters!! There's no way I'd have anything more to do with him.

This. I am a teacher. Sometimes very sometimes I have a pupil that might want to stay it touch. I discourage this. The only place I have them is post aged 21 on LinkedIn publicly. Messaging them is a no. Contact with parents is a no. I once had someone contact me - for some help with a degree project. My work email was used etc and I informed the head.

He groomed her.

justdone88 · 15/01/2025 08:22

Lookslikelou · 14/01/2025 10:58

My husband turned 50 between Christmas and new year, we have been together for 25 years. He was a sports coach for many years, it’s an individual sport but he coached a club/team. This particular girl became his protege per se, he would get up early to coach her in the morning when she was 10/11 but she moved away. He kept in touch, first with her parents then as she got older with her. I don’t know if she even does the sport any more. Anyway she was in our city for new year and he had a party for his birthday the weekend before, he invited her and she came to the party. The next night he went out, he said to meet a friend, I didn’t question it.

Now he has been weird the last few weeks, quiet, not interested in sex etc. Last night he told me he had to tell me something and he told me that he met her at the pub, they got drunk, they went back to her hotel and had sex. I’m devastated, I wanted to ask so many questions about why etc. but I just cried. I asked if it only happened this once and he said yes.

I feel ill, he knew her when she was 9-12, she is younger than one of our daughters!!!

What do I do? Our marriage is over but how do I cope?!

OMG the comments on here are outtageous! 🤦🏼‍♀️

For the people saying he's a Peadophile and was grooming the 20 year old just stop! You've taken it way out of line here. I believe the age for sexual consent is 16 in the UK and she is 20! She obviously consented to this 🙄🤦🏼‍♀️ just because he is 50 and she is 20 doesn't mean he's a predator FFS!!! There are couples who have this age gap all the time don't mean they are all predators! Yeah the story is a weird one and it's wrong 100% I get that but it doesn't make him a Peadophile!

This poor woman has just found out her husband has cheated on her and your all saying she should go to the police and he's a groomer, this woman needs support and advice not everyone adding stupid comments like that....

I'm sorry your going through this OP it's disgusting what he has done to you, all I can say is time is a healer and things will get better, I know right now it don't seem it but it will, surround yourself with friends and family and keep yourself busy, try and do things you like to do like meet up with friends for a coffee, go for walks etc I've been cheated on and I know exactly how you feel! If you have to maybe speak to the GP and get some counselling/therapy to help you navigate through this really tough time.

Sending you best wishes 🫶🏻

MagnoliaGirlie · 15/01/2025 08:26

justdone88 · 15/01/2025 08:22

OMG the comments on here are outtageous! 🤦🏼‍♀️

For the people saying he's a Peadophile and was grooming the 20 year old just stop! You've taken it way out of line here. I believe the age for sexual consent is 16 in the UK and she is 20! She obviously consented to this 🙄🤦🏼‍♀️ just because he is 50 and she is 20 doesn't mean he's a predator FFS!!! There are couples who have this age gap all the time don't mean they are all predators! Yeah the story is a weird one and it's wrong 100% I get that but it doesn't make him a Peadophile!

This poor woman has just found out her husband has cheated on her and your all saying she should go to the police and he's a groomer, this woman needs support and advice not everyone adding stupid comments like that....

I'm sorry your going through this OP it's disgusting what he has done to you, all I can say is time is a healer and things will get better, I know right now it don't seem it but it will, surround yourself with friends and family and keep yourself busy, try and do things you like to do like meet up with friends for a coffee, go for walks etc I've been cheated on and I know exactly how you feel! If you have to maybe speak to the GP and get some counselling/therapy to help you navigate through this really tough time.

Sending you best wishes 🫶🏻

Show quote history

I kindly disagree. Exactly because he is 50 and she's 20 and he was in a position of power in her life as a child and a teen, that makes him a predator [edit] in my opinion. I don't think that makes him a pedophile or a groomer, but definitely a predator. But we can disagree. I don't believe that pushing the OP to go to the police, or the girl's father or anything like that is helpful for the OP, though. She needs buckets of compassion and hugs ❤️

justdone88 · 15/01/2025 08:36

MagnoliaGirlie · 15/01/2025 08:26

I kindly disagree. Exactly because he is 50 and she's 20 and he was in a position of power in her life as a child and a teen, that makes him a predator [edit] in my opinion. I don't think that makes him a pedophile or a groomer, but definitely a predator. But we can disagree. I don't believe that pushing the OP to go to the police, or the girl's father or anything like that is helpful for the OP, though. She needs buckets of compassion and hugs ❤️

Edited
Show quote history

But as the woman has told OP’s daughter nothing happened when she was younger, how has he groomed her when she’s now an adult and they went to a party? She even lives in a different country 🤦🏼‍♀️ yes he was her coach but at that time of her life just a coach he obviously never did anything or tried to do anything when she was younger because of the comment made by the woman to the OP’s daughter. It’s just been blown out of line.

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