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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He cheated on me with a 20 year old he used to coach

478 replies

Lookslikelou · 14/01/2025 10:58

My husband turned 50 between Christmas and new year, we have been together for 25 years. He was a sports coach for many years, it’s an individual sport but he coached a club/team. This particular girl became his protege per se, he would get up early to coach her in the morning when she was 10/11 but she moved away. He kept in touch, first with her parents then as she got older with her. I don’t know if she even does the sport any more. Anyway she was in our city for new year and he had a party for his birthday the weekend before, he invited her and she came to the party. The next night he went out, he said to meet a friend, I didn’t question it.

Now he has been weird the last few weeks, quiet, not interested in sex etc. Last night he told me he had to tell me something and he told me that he met her at the pub, they got drunk, they went back to her hotel and had sex. I’m devastated, I wanted to ask so many questions about why etc. but I just cried. I asked if it only happened this once and he said yes.

I feel ill, he knew her when she was 9-12, she is younger than one of our daughters!!!

What do I do? Our marriage is over but how do I cope?!

OP posts:
Emknewbest · 14/01/2025 20:05

& I’m sorry OP. I hope you and your children are doing ok x

SerafinasGoose · 14/01/2025 20:06

It makes no odds what disclaimers you put in place. These actions are a clear breach of safeguarding standards, which anyone working in the capacity of a children's coach and who has presumably passed a DBS check would be very well aware. You may not see it as minimising, but I beg to differ.

Any reader can see precisely what is derailing this thread. It's hugely unhelpful alright, but it appears we reach that conclusion for entirely different reasons.

Quote feature failed.

mumedu · 14/01/2025 20:17

I am sorry for your suffering, OP. The fact that he's known her since she was a child makes this so much worse. As someone else mentioned, it begs the question. When did he start sexualizing her? This is what I'd want to know.

JaneAustensHeroine · 14/01/2025 20:22

I’m so sorry OP. It’s a terrible shock and you have done nothing wrong.

All you can do right now is look after yourself. Nothing more. His behaviour is not your responsibility. He made a shockingly poor choice (although I’m glad he has told you what happened). You don’t need to make any decisions now.

When you have been in a relationship for a long time it is natural to try to find some kind of explanation for our partner’s behaviour. We expend a lot of energy and time trying to work out why this happened. Save that energy and invest it in yourself. There is rarely any explanation apart from his weakness and poor choices.

Seek counselling if you feel it would help. Talking things through with a counsellor can help make sense of it all and ensure you prioritise yourself.

Be kind to yourself. 💐

wigsonthegreenandhatsforthelifting · 14/01/2025 20:22

Basketballhoop · 14/01/2025 19:55

Oh, I do apologise for my misuse of a single word. I use 'just' all the time in my day to day language. It's a habit of mine. Replace it with simply or remove it entirely, the sentence has the same meaning. At no point am I minimising what has happened. I am 'simply' saying no one here knows the truth. Given than OP knows her husband was in touch with the family, and that the mum is dead, the communication was obviously not a secret.

But well done on missing the entire point of my post. Which was that the thread has become hugely unhelpful, is attracting the vultures and has become completely derailed.

Show quote history

I agree, and how could it be proven one way or the other, being rational about it.

TammyJones · 14/01/2025 20:23

@Basketballhoop

Oh, I do apologise for my misuse of a single word. I use 'just' all the time in my day to day language. It's a habit of mine. Replace it with simply or remove it entirely, the sentence has the same meaning. At no point am I minimising what has happened. I am 'simply' saying no one here knows the truth. Given than OP knows her husband was in touch with the family, and that the mum is dead, the communication was obviously not a secret.

But well done on missing the entire point of my post. Which was that the thread has become hugely unhelpful, is attracting the vultures and has become completely derailed.

#########

Totally agree with @Basketballhoop

Read all of op's post and enough of the rest in shock at some of the projecting going on

No point arguing with some of these and was half expecting the thread to get pulled.

If you're still reading op please take care.
Don't do anything rash.
Take time to figure out what you ...,want.

AsmallabodeIsallweWant · 14/01/2025 20:26

Men are just yuck no matter what they try to portray

Justwonderinghow · 14/01/2025 20:35

Hi Op, no advice.
Take care of yourself. You have a very supportive and caring daughter, and hopefully you will come out the other end soon.
You must be in so much pain but this will pass.

Sending hugs 🫂

Cetim · 14/01/2025 20:35

It's sad and he sounds pathetic. Like he turns 50 and decodes he wants to achieve a 20 year old notch on his bed post to make his ego better about his age. The fact he has known since childhood then kept in touch then slept with her is just gross. He's been perving OK her and probably hoping for this for years. Completely didn't give a shit about how you would feel. He is a wrongun and I feel so so sad for you in this situation. I think another comment said do not engage with him, go ice cold, move out immediately or kick him out change locks and go for divorce from the next working day. start being as cold and calculating and self serving as he has been and don't look back.

EdithBond · 14/01/2025 20:36

@Lookslikelou I’m so sorry he’s done this to you and your kids. What a terrible shock. If he’s already left your family home (for now at least), you can take some time to process it.

I know you’ve told your DD. But is there someone else (trusted friend or sibling?) who could provide emotional support? In my experience, being a daughter of parents who split due to the father’s infidelity is very traumatic, because he doesn’t stop being her father. It’d probably help your DD if you have someone else to confide in and vent to, so she’s somewhat protected from the impact this has on you.

I suggest you get your ducks in a row if divorce is likely. Presumably, he didn’t take much paperwork etc when he left. Try to gather any evidence of his finances, including pension, in your home. Otherwise he may ask to come to collect more things and remove this sort of evidence. Be aware he could withdraw money from joint bank accounts or withhold payments on your home or bills. If he can betray your trust in the way he has, and if he knows it’s definitely game over for your marriage, he may start to put himself first financially, including by hiding and protecting his financial assets.

Then, once you’ve had time to process, make an appointment with a solicitor to get advice on your options and what they recommend. Even if it takes you a while to decide how to proceed, getting evidence and advice as soon as possible could help you in the longer term.

22nws · 14/01/2025 20:41

That’s gross, really gross. Sorry OP.

I don’t think you need to tell the girl’s dad. You need to focus on yourself and your dds.

Christl78 · 14/01/2025 20:44

So sorry this happened to you OP. Wish you and your daughters well. You will get through this. xxx

Baital · 14/01/2025 20:46

I've just updated my safeguarding training. Over and over again the message is to report any concern to the safeguarding officer, no matter how small.

It's not my job to investigate, to contact anyone involved, or decide whether something is or is not abusive.

I am responsible for passing on any concern however small. Then I can let go of it.

OP, please report to the sports safeguarding officer. It is then their responsibility to decide whether anything needs to be investigated or any further action is needed, and you can let go of everything else and focus on yourself and your daughters.

Foreverchangeable · 14/01/2025 20:53

OP, imo your DH made a really dumb decision which he obviously feels bad about as he told you. He was drunk. He didn't engineer it. It was a one off. She is an adult. No way would I end my marriage for that.

Ceecee2422 · 14/01/2025 20:53

Annaannaannab · 14/01/2025 20:05

I’m sorry you’re going through this OP . Don’t do anything you don’t want to do . Telling her dad is pointless - focus on you not them .

It’s not a nice situation , it’s definitely weird that he knew her as a child and then this has happened … but it doesn’t make him a paedophile. A paedophile has sexual interest in a child - she’s not a child . Also , grooming … again, this is usually done to someone under the age of consent . They are both consenting adults. I’m not saying it’s morally right - it isn’t - but people need to stop adding on to OPs pain by suggesting the father of her children is a predator. The fact is , he knew her as a child and now she is a woman . They’ve both cheated that’s the simple facts .

I hope you’re ok OP 💐

Grooming can be both children and adults and can also take place from childhood until the age of consent, it is preparing someone vulnerable to be in a position they can be easily manipulated or slept with in this case……..

GlasgowGal82 · 14/01/2025 20:54

Blondiebeachbabe · 14/01/2025 13:16

This puts a better spin on things. Sounds like it wasn't a pre-planned date, and no grooming went on. It's a lot better than the alternative scenarios that people have been dreaming up on here. That said, I am surprised he could view her sexually, having known her as a child, albeit if he hasn't seen her in 10+ years, it maybe felt like not the same person.

Only you can know if you want to come back from this? Is everything else good in your marriage?

Show quote history

Except OP's husband told her he was going to meet 'a friend', whereas the young woman said that it was a group get together in a pub with another coach and other young people. At least one of them is lying.

CJsGoldfish · 14/01/2025 20:59

Grooming or not she’s an adult, no reason to think she is vulnerable. If anyone told my dad anything about who I slept with at that age I’d be mortified

I'm not commenting on 'grooming' or telling her dad. You need to concentrate on you right now. No point or need to try and analyse anything right now.
BUT...she may be an adult and you may not think she is vulnerable. In that moment when your husband drove her home, she was. There is a very clear power imbalance, especially since he was a coach and mentor when she was a child. Please don't skip over that

It's also very possible he only confessed because he was afraid someone would tell you. She is 20, the likelihood that she told someone is high. Maybe she did and he knows she did. So not so much a guilty conscience so much as making sure his 'version' is the one you hear.

Unlike everyone else, I don't think dragging your children into it and giving so much detail is ok. I think it is more of a way of lashing out and making sure HE is hurt as well by getting them 'on side' which I do understand. It's just not helpful to them though I do 'get' why it is to you. I'd just be careful going forward

TooManyChristmasCards · 14/01/2025 21:06

AsmallabodeIsallweWant · 14/01/2025 20:26

Men are just yuck no matter what they try to portray

yes dear. Feeling better now?

Persista · 14/01/2025 21:10

AquaOrca · 14/01/2025 12:25

Hmm.... let's not go overboard with all sorts of conspiracies that he 'groomed her' and is a potential predator and so on. That's just too much. He had a romp with her as an adult. There was familiarity there.

She's 20. Yes, technically an adult, but a very very young one. And a young adult who has lost her mother. He is 50. And a former adult in a position of trust to her.
This is not just some random woman in a bar. Please try to understand how power dynamics work.
My Dark Vanessa is a good book to read in order to gain understanding.

Christl78 · 14/01/2025 21:13

I do wonder what he would do If this happened to one of his daughters. If one of the other coaches slept with one of his daughters.

Kiwi83 · 14/01/2025 21:28

Why on earth would OP contact this girl's DAD, she's 20 years old, what do you think her dad is going to do 🤷‍♀️

Disturbia81 · 14/01/2025 21:30

He is one sick fuck.

researchers3 · 14/01/2025 21:31

I'm so sorry op.

Not going to offer advice as you sound so sensible. Just wanted to say I've been the recipient of massive betrayal and it's very traumatic and outright shocking. I promise it will slowly get better but this first bit is very hard.

I'm glad you've got one of your DDs to talk to and that your ex had moved out for now so you can have some space.

kkloo · 14/01/2025 21:31

Annaannaannab · 14/01/2025 20:05

I’m sorry you’re going through this OP . Don’t do anything you don’t want to do . Telling her dad is pointless - focus on you not them .

It’s not a nice situation , it’s definitely weird that he knew her as a child and then this has happened … but it doesn’t make him a paedophile. A paedophile has sexual interest in a child - she’s not a child . Also , grooming … again, this is usually done to someone under the age of consent . They are both consenting adults. I’m not saying it’s morally right - it isn’t - but people need to stop adding on to OPs pain by suggesting the father of her children is a predator. The fact is , he knew her as a child and now she is a woman . They’ve both cheated that’s the simple facts .

I hope you’re ok OP 💐

How on earth do you know 'the facts'.
You don't.

Mamabear487 · 14/01/2025 21:34

Vile. Leave and never look back. What a disgusting human he is

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