Page 17 | He cheated on me with a 20 year old he used to coach

Lookslikelou · 2025-01-14T10:58:11+00:00

My husband turned 50 between Christmas and new year, we have been together for 25 years. He was a sports coach for many years, it’s an individual sport but he coached a club/team. This particular girl became his protege per se, he would get up early to coach her in the morning when she was 10/11 but she moved away. He kept in touch, first with her parents then as she got older with her. I don’t know if she even does the sport any more. Anyway she was in our city for new year and he had a party for his birthday the weekend before, he invited her and she came to the party. The next night he went out, he said to meet a friend, I didn’t question it. Now he has been weird the last few weeks, quiet, not interested in sex etc. Last night he told me he had to tell me something and he told me that he met her at the pub, they got drunk, they went back to her hotel and had sex. I’m devastated, I wanted to ask so many questions about why etc. but I just cried. I asked if it only happened this once and he said yes. I feel ill, he knew her when she was 9-12, she is younger than one of our daughters!!! What do I do? Our marriage is over but how do I cope?!

SerafinasGoose · 15/01/2025 08:37

For the people saying he's a Peadophile and was grooming the 20 year old just stop! ... This poor woman has just found out her husband has cheated on her and your all saying she should go to the police and he's a groomer, this woman needs support and advice not everyone adding stupid comments like that....

Not everyone is saying that at all. There's a lot of condemnation for the pressure being put on OP to involve others, not least the posts suggesting she is responsible. But the constant minimisation of behaviour which represents, minimally, a huge red flag is disingenuous and consistent with similar behaviour on this site over the years. I happen to think that's dangerous, and consistent with the usual spiel in society which rugsweeps the behaviour of predatory males and usually in the same breath seeks to hold women responsible.

This kind of attitude needs to change, as it's damaging to all women.

The suggestion that the husband is a paedophile is certainly extreme and impossible to determine from the information given here. No one can know how this communication started - whether it began innocuously and escalated further with time - and no one can see inside the man's head. The only thing apparent from the patterns of her husband's behaviour described by OP is that these are consistent with classic grooming. At the very least, they are a breach of safeguarding protocol.

You'll note that professionals who have commented upthread, who work with children and are well-briefed in safeguarding procedures, are unanimously of the same view.

That this thread has regrettably turned into something more than supporting a devastated woman was inevitable, as Mumsnet constantly comes out with the same schtick - to divert blame for men's conduct onto women. This is the dangerous rhetoric on here - and this is what needs to stop.

justdone88 · 15/01/2025 08:42

SerafinasGoose · 15/01/2025 08:37

For the people saying he's a Peadophile and was grooming the 20 year old just stop! ... This poor woman has just found out her husband has cheated on her and your all saying she should go to the police and he's a groomer, this woman needs support and advice not everyone adding stupid comments like that....

Not everyone is saying that at all. There's a lot of condemnation for the pressure being put on OP to involve others, not least the posts suggesting she is responsible. But the constant minimisation of behaviour which represents, minimally, a huge red flag is disingenuous and consistent with similar behaviour on this site over the years. I happen to think that's dangerous, and consistent with the usual spiel in society which rugsweeps the behaviour of predatory males and usually in the same breath seeks to hold women responsible.

This kind of attitude needs to change, as it's damaging to all women.

The suggestion that the husband is a paedophile is certainly extreme and impossible to determine from the information given here. No one can know how this communication started - whether it began innocuously and escalated further with time - and no one can see inside the man's head. The only thing apparent from the patterns of her husband's behaviour described by OP is that these are consistent with classic grooming. At the very least, they are a breach of safeguarding protocol.

You'll note that professionals who have commented upthread, who work with children and are well-briefed in safeguarding procedures, are unanimously of the same view.

That this thread has regrettably turned into something more than supporting a devastated woman was inevitable, as Mumsnet constantly comes out with the same schtick - to divert blame for men's conduct onto women. This is the dangerous rhetoric on here - and this is what needs to stop.

Yes I get that, I’ve worked with children in the past so I do get safe guarding and certain protocols etc but…. This woman lives in a different country, she was at a party and she is 20 she even makes a comment to the OP’s daughter about it being ‘ewww’ as she was a child back then. So nothing like that has happened before hand. So he’s not a predator, a Peadophile or a groomer.

MagnoliaGirlie · 15/01/2025 08:43

@justdone88 I literally said I don't believe he's a pedophile or a groomer, but a predator 🙄

bombastix · 15/01/2025 08:46

I feel for you OP.

I am sure you are devastated. Nobody can tell you what to do, but I would reach out to a very trusted friend just to vent.

Your husband however will be keen to smooth it over before you are I imagine. Don't make any decisions right now. It is a terrible shock to you. Do not get into forgiveness or forgetting about it. Make some time for yourself away from this man to decide on your future. He will be keen to move on. You need to have an idea about what you need.

As for this girl, I think you just have to reflect that the age disparity really means that she is not the driver here. That was your husband. And that's the point about your future- it was not an accident but engineered.

justdone88 · 15/01/2025 08:53

MagnoliaGirlie · 15/01/2025 08:43

@justdone88 I literally said I don't believe he's a pedophile or a groomer, but a predator 🙄

Edited

Yes you did, but how is he a predator? 🤦🏼‍♀️

SerafinasGoose · 15/01/2025 08:55

justdone88 · 15/01/2025 08:42

Yes I get that, I’ve worked with children in the past so I do get safe guarding and certain protocols etc but…. This woman lives in a different country, she was at a party and she is 20 she even makes a comment to the OP’s daughter about it being ‘ewww’ as she was a child back then. So nothing like that has happened before hand. So he’s not a predator, a Peadophile or a groomer.

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There is nothing in the OP's posts suggesting the man is a paedophile, but I have never claimed there was. That's a very serious allegation. His behaviour, as pointed out upthread with links to material on grooming, ticks most of the boxes for the patterns of behaviour consistent with grooming. This is a reasonable conclusion from the information given.

Grooming by definition is predatory behaviour; if not by design it's at best spectacularly stupid and leaves the door wide open to allegations. The rest, including decisive statements that he emphatically does or doesn't belong in a particular category, is speculation. Prurient speculation at that.

You don't know, and neither do I.

This thread is utterly toxic, and I'm amazed HQ haven't pulled it.

MagnoliaGirlie · 15/01/2025 08:57

justdone88 · 15/01/2025 08:53

Yes you did, but how is he a predator? 🤦🏼‍♀️

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In my opinion, because he was in a position of power in her childhood and teen which would make her trust him, and he used that to keep in touch and invite her/meet her.
It seems like a lot of people who work with children/teens agree that keeping in touch like he did is wrong and a big no-no.

LifeInAHamsterWheel · 15/01/2025 09:18

Foreverchangeable · 14/01/2025 20:53

OP, imo your DH made a really dumb decision which he obviously feels bad about as he told you. He was drunk. He didn't engineer it. It was a one off. She is an adult. No way would I end my marriage for that.

He wasn't that drunk if he was able to drop her to her hotel that night! It doesn't sound to me like this can be blamed on having a few too many drinks, unfortunately.

Custardslices · 15/01/2025 09:32

The OP is after support this has turned into a debate of if she was groomed.

Groomed or not that's not the OPs upset. The fact her reliable husband has gone to fuck someone else that's alot younger too add onto the turmoil.

OP you need to let the shock subside and think can you forgive him, if so will you always be looking over your shoulder?

I'd start thinking too of getting things sorted for divorce, evidence of this cheating, pensions, bank statements and so on, be prepared.

Don't talk to him until in your mind your clear what your going to do, he will say whatever to clear this up don't fall for it.

I'd also tell your other daughter incase she hears it elsewhere and worries more support you get the better.

RockOrAHardplace · 15/01/2025 10:33

Joyfulspringflowers · 14/01/2025 23:22

Well it doesn't really matter in the scheme of things.
What matters is he ended taking the young woman back to her hotel room and having sex with her.
And whatever led up to it, that, for me, is the unforgivable thing. And that is what has shattered OP's life.

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I raised the issue as you obviously did think it mattered as you said "However OP's H, on the night after the party, said he was going out to meet "a friend". He didnt mention that it was supposed to be a group of people he was meeting. But he had obviously at some point arranged to go out and meet this young woman, whether it was in a group situation or not. Obviously there was some planning involved or the meet up wouldn't have happened."

And the point I was making was that it doesn't appear form the information we were given that he ever intentionally set out to meet her so it wasn't premeditated, it was a drunken one night stand...still bad but the fact it wasn't pre-planned does make a difference to some extent.

Bumblebeestiltskin · 15/01/2025 10:43

OhcantthInkofaname · 15/01/2025 03:00

How many other young girls did he coach? Are there more to show up?

This. I know OP says she doesn't want to report anything, fair enough, but SOMEONE needs to report him.

Joyfulspringflowers · 15/01/2025 10:46

RockOrAHardplace · 15/01/2025 10:33

I raised the issue as you obviously did think it mattered as you said "However OP's H, on the night after the party, said he was going out to meet "a friend". He didnt mention that it was supposed to be a group of people he was meeting. But he had obviously at some point arranged to go out and meet this young woman, whether it was in a group situation or not. Obviously there was some planning involved or the meet up wouldn't have happened."

And the point I was making was that it doesn't appear form the information we were given that he ever intentionally set out to meet her so it wasn't premeditated, it was a drunken one night stand...still bad but the fact it wasn't pre-planned does make a difference to some extent.

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I was trying not to get into a debate with you about the ins and outs of how things happened that night.
It is all conjecture and interpretation on our part.
And it has the effect of derailing the thread.
Which is why I said in my post it doesn't matter in the scheme of things: I was trying to focus on the important thing which is that OP's H deliberately chose to have sex with this young woman in her hotel room. Whatever the planning was or wasn't before the evening's socialising at some point he chose to take her back to her hotel room and have sex with her.

Us debating the logistics of the evening doesn't help OP.

RockOrAHardplace · 15/01/2025 10:48

Joyfulspringflowers · 15/01/2025 10:46

I was trying not to get into a debate with you about the ins and outs of how things happened that night.
It is all conjecture and interpretation on our part.
And it has the effect of derailing the thread.
Which is why I said in my post it doesn't matter in the scheme of things: I was trying to focus on the important thing which is that OP's H deliberately chose to have sex with this young woman in her hotel room. Whatever the planning was or wasn't before the evening's socialising at some point he chose to take her back to her hotel room and have sex with her.

Us debating the logistics of the evening doesn't help OP.

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And I get that, but you were the one that made the comment not me, and that is why I challenged it to minimise the effect on the OP!

whathaveiforgotten · 15/01/2025 10:51

@foreverchangeable

OP, imo your DH made a really dumb decision which he obviously feels bad about as he told you. He was drunk. He didn't engineer it. It was a one off. She is an adult. No way would I end my marriage for that.

You could get past him shagging someone thirty years his junior, who he spent loads of time with when she was a child? Who he had stayed in touch with "first with her parents then as she got older with her" as OP says?

Bleurgh. It would turn my stomach so much j couldn't look at him.

Disturbia81 · 15/01/2025 11:08

whathaveiforgotten · 15/01/2025 10:51

@foreverchangeable

OP, imo your DH made a really dumb decision which he obviously feels bad about as he told you. He was drunk. He didn't engineer it. It was a one off. She is an adult. No way would I end my marriage for that.

You could get past him shagging someone thirty years his junior, who he spent loads of time with when she was a child? Who he had stayed in touch with "first with her parents then as she got older with her" as OP says?

Bleurgh. It would turn my stomach so much j couldn't look at him.

That is either a man poster, or a woman who is so far under a mans spell she's gone blind.
Absolute madness. Forgiving a man for having sex with a 20 year old?? I've heard it all now.. I wouldn't talk to him ever again.

TwistedWonder · 15/01/2025 11:12

whathaveiforgotten · 15/01/2025 10:51

@foreverchangeable

OP, imo your DH made a really dumb decision which he obviously feels bad about as he told you. He was drunk. He didn't engineer it. It was a one off. She is an adult. No way would I end my marriage for that.

You could get past him shagging someone thirty years his junior, who he spent loads of time with when she was a child? Who he had stayed in touch with "first with her parents then as she got older with her" as OP says?

Bleurgh. It would turn my stomach so much j couldn't look at him.

Agree. Obviously the OP will make her own decision based on what’s best for her but personally I couldn’t be in the same room as the cheating creepy old perv afterwards.

Cheating is a deal breaker full stop for me and this scenario as as grubby as it gets 🤢

changecandles · 15/01/2025 16:01

OP has he shown any remorse? What is he now thinking. I can't figure out whether he is feeling bad or guilty or wanting to end your marriage and chase this girl.

wigsonthegreenandhatsforthelifting · 15/01/2025 17:07

Bumblebeestiltskin · 15/01/2025 10:43

This. I know OP says she doesn't want to report anything, fair enough, but SOMEONE needs to report him.

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To whom, and with what evidence?

Bumblebeestiltskin · 15/01/2025 17:11

I suppose it depends on what he was coaching, whether there's a regulatory board or whatever. As for evidence - I don't think there is any, but a man of his age having sex with a young woman he's known in a professional basis since she was a child should definitely be reported. Maybe nothing would come if it, maybe something would, who knows?

MsDogLady · 15/01/2025 17:46

How are things today, @Lookslikelou? I am very concerned about you and your girls.

Foreverchangeable · 15/01/2025 17:50

I am a woman. Hope that helps. I stand by my comment as we all occasionally make stupid mistakes of one sort or another imo. Assuming this was a one off, and the situation is as described by the young woman to the OP's DD (re nothing inappropriate having previously happened ) I absolutely would not end a marriage. Obviously that is a personal decision though.

RockOrAHardplace · 15/01/2025 17:50

BetterWithPockets · 14/01/2025 13:41

But it absolutely wasn’t for no reason — he coached her because he was a bloody coach. It doesn’t automatically mean he groomed her. It’s a possibility, yes, but not a given.

God, only on MN…

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I'm with you on this, people making a bad situation worse for the OP

Disturbia81 · 15/01/2025 18:19

Foreverchangeable · 15/01/2025 17:50

I am a woman. Hope that helps. I stand by my comment as we all occasionally make stupid mistakes of one sort or another imo. Assuming this was a one off, and the situation is as described by the young woman to the OP's DD (re nothing inappropriate having previously happened ) I absolutely would not end a marriage. Obviously that is a personal decision though.

You have terrible standards. Either that or you're a kept woman with a high earning man.

Foreverchangeable · 15/01/2025 18:42

@Disturbia81 I wish lol!😂

whathaveiforgotten · 15/01/2025 18:45

Foreverchangeable · 15/01/2025 17:50

I am a woman. Hope that helps. I stand by my comment as we all occasionally make stupid mistakes of one sort or another imo. Assuming this was a one off, and the situation is as described by the young woman to the OP's DD (re nothing inappropriate having previously happened ) I absolutely would not end a marriage. Obviously that is a personal decision though.

He coached her frequently when she was a child, stayed in touch with her parents then stayed in touch with her personally (presumably during her teen years as I doubt he would have been in touch with her separately to her parents until she was a teenager) then shagged her when she was 20 and he was 50.

How you could still respect, let alone share a bed with, a man who did that is beyond me. Each to their own but blimey, that's a low bar to set.