He cheated on me with a 20 year old he used to coach

[Lookslikelou]

My husband turned 50 between Christmas and new year, we have been together for 25 years. He was a sports coach for many years, it’s an individual sport but he coached a club/team. This particular girl became his protege per se, he would get up early to coach her in the morning when she was 10/11 but she moved away. He kept in touch, first with her parents then as she got older with her. I don’t know if she even does the sport any more. Anyway she was in our city for new year and he had a party for his birthday the weekend before, he invited her and she came to the party. The next night he went out, he said to meet a friend, I didn’t question it.

Now he has been weird the last few weeks, quiet, not interested in sex etc. Last night he told me he had to tell me something and he told me that he met her at the pub, they got drunk, they went back to her hotel and had sex. I’m devastated, I wanted to ask so many questions about why etc. but I just cried. I asked if it only happened this once and he said yes.

I feel ill, he knew her when she was 9-12, she is younger than one of our daughters!!!

What do I do? Our marriage is over but how do I cope?!

@whathaveiforgotten that is a different spin on things when compared to the young woman's reaction to the OP's DD's message which seems to indicate nothing happened previously. Obviously if the OPs husband had done anything at all when this young woman was a child (so under 18) or indeed if this had been anything more than a one off when she was an adult ( and the same would apply with a woman of a similar age to him- if it was ongoing cheating) I would feel differently. I'm going to step back from this now. What I would say is that I feel very blessed as my DH has forgiven my ONE OFF mistakes over the years (and me his).

I hear you but I wouldn't be able to get passed it. Its such a cliche as well just turned 50 sleeping with 20 year old. I would be tempted to leave him to his midlife crisis and just be alone. Not saying that is the way forward for OP but I am quite petty.

This is completely awful for you and your DC. Please take care of yourself the best way you know how. Right now you will be in survival mode which is normal and you don't owe anyone anything right now. I would not seek an explanation from him. As you stated the marriage is over so grey rock him. Knowing more details will not help you.

When you feel strong enough please tell your DC so they can do a risk check of their friends. I know this seems absurd to think, but my friend's father had sex with many of her teenage friends and no one knew until years later. They are now no contact with him. I would also tell his fellow coaches as they will not want to get caught up in this unaware.

Your husband is not a safe person and I would be surprised if he had not done it before. Things like this don't just happen. He has shown you who he is. He had planned this for who knows how long and it is disgusting. It is not normal to be in touch with former students this way, protege or not. He knew exactly what he was doing. You are well rid of this disgusting man. I hope your DC are as disgusted as well. It is unforgivable.

Protect yourself and your DC. You did nothing wrong and should not hold any shame telling everyone what he has done. You are amazing and worth more than this sideshow freak of a man.

Hear hear! This is such an amazing message, compassionate to the OP without going along with the nonsense narrative that this is just like any other affair and completely ignoring the implications. For a site that likes to scream LTB for what sometimes seem fairly minor things, the level of minimising I have seen here really, really shocks me.

As the op hasn't returned, I hope she spent the rest of yesterday and today getting her ducks in a row, and contacting a solicitor.

Even if she ' forgives ' she will never forget.

This is pretty substantial as mistakes go though...

@Lookslikelou I hope you and your DDs are coping. I'm sorry you haven't felt able to return to the thread for support, but I completely understand why not.

Thinking of you, if you are still reading x

I feel very sorry for you.

I wouldn't consider this to be a 'stupid mistake' by any stretch of imagination.

I don't know how you'd be able to sleep in the same bed or even worse have sex with him again if your partner did that. He would make my skin crawl.

This is so devastating for you but following your update it doesnt sound like grooming.

Just focus on getting through each day. When you feel you can, get some legal advice to start divorce proceedings.

Please be kind to yourself.

Do you have some good friends you could confide in?

@Lookslikelou, I hope that you are continuing to practice self-care and are receiving comfort from your loved ones. I also hope you are getting some sleep.

Although the thread has had some derailments, many of us want to offer support and empathy for your ongoing grief and trauma. If you decide to return, my advice is to only focus and engage with the truly helpful comments and ignore anything that you deem unhelpful.

Sending positive thoughts your way.

I am sorry you found yourself in this situation. A marriage can recover from a one night stand. I suggest a short book Loving Against the Odds by Rob Parsons. OP please be mindful that the standard advice on Mumsnet is to dump the bustard

Apologies for a long post.

We mustn't overlook the point in the original op where it states that the girl was his protege. This means that he singled her out as having a special talent and he would train her on her own very early in the morning when she was 10/11. Remember, he coached a group sport, but singled her out for individual coaching as a very young girl. This is disturbing.

The girl denying anything happened before: I am inclined to ask how she would know? As a child how would she recognise surreptitious touching, ogling her body etc? Especially not with a "trusted" coach. We need to understand the effect of this sort of thing on victims: no matter how old you are - if you have been groomed it can take a very long time before you understand what happened to you.

I have to say that I would never allow a child of mine to experience early morning coaching from anyone, no matter how decent they seemed, without my being present.

It is a good thing that he no longer coaches as if I was op I would have to report his actions so that he wasn't able to coach young people again.

Those saying this was a silly mistake - no, just no. He and the girl stayed in the pub together when the others had left. Why? The bastard knew what he was doing.

As for those saying that focusing on this stuff doesn't help op I would say that this isn't some private place where friends support each other; it is a public forum and as such I think it is important that we do not minimise behaviour such as his. I am pleased that, devastating as it is, op is finding the strength to leave him.

@Lookslikelou I'm so sorry your thread about YOUR trauma has been turned into this. There are a few of us here who are here for you and can guide you to resources that will support YOU. I really do hope you're ok, I completely understand why you haven't posted on this utterly derailed thread again.

I think painting this man as a groomer and a paedophile is unhelpful and not necessarily true. This is a serious crime if he is all of what these people say.

The facts as you know it is that he had sex with a consenting 20 year old woman and instantly told you. This is still a betrayal and how you decide to deal with your marriage after this is your call.

Im so sorry you are going through this. But find some strong women in your life that can help you through.

I agree with this post, apart from the last statement. Nothing about the situation makes OP’s reaction petty. There are two issues in this affair. His infidelity is one and the OW being a woman he was trusted to train as a child. The latter is a much more serious red flag. No counselling could help me with that fact.

You have had it clarified he didn’t abuse her when she was a child so you don’t need to take and safeguarding action. It would have been the police not her dad anyway. God knows why people were telling you to do that. Utterly bonkers!

You now know his true worth. He is not worthy of your love.

You need to focus on looking after yourself. You have had a huge shock. This is going to be painful. You are going to hurt. It’s going to be like a grieving process but more complicated.

You can’t skip over the pain or avoid it. All you can do is hold on to the fact that the pain is normal, it’s part of being human and it will get easier.

Look after your physical body so you can heal as well as possible. Eat well, stay hydrated, get exercise (something that can dissipate anger might be good) and talk to someone you trust.

So sorry this happened. Good luck.

Was he the reason the family moved away?

Sorry for you OP but this really turned my stomach.

Hope your divorce comes through soon

The lack of understanding re: grooming on this thread is very worrying. The whole point of grooming is that it makes the victim feel like they are consenting (even if the sex takes place when they are finally an adult), when they are far too young to understand that they have been manipulated. Lots of victims of grooming don’t recognise it for what it is until they are older and wiser. Some never do. But it’s not true consent because they were manipulating when children.

None of this helps you, OP, I know that. I understand that your focus needs to be on getting divorced and healing. But I would use the fact that my DH likely groomed a child to help me focus on why I must end things. Best of luck.

A few people have mentioned grooming, but that's when pedos are trying to do stuff with underage kids. You don't need to groom someone who's 20 - they're an adult and can decide for themselves.

Please read the text immediately above yours which offers a great explanation about grooming.

Also, there is a huge power imbalance when a man of 50 has sex with a young woman 30 years his junior - who he coached when she was at primary school. I do wonder what her father would think if he knew about this. He will probably soon find out as will others, and that is a very good thing.

Op, if you leave him do you think that he will pursue something with her? Or did he just see her as a one-off sexual object? In either case it is very grim.

I don't think we give adult women enough agency. It doesn't sound as if they had much contact for years after he stopped being her coach, so I highly doubt she was groomed. She was perfectly free to say no, and it was her decision to do it. Yes, it's icky with the canyon of an age gap, and there's a power imbalance, and all the things, but the fact remains that she's an adult woman and she could simply have not done it.

I am going to agree with this. There is no doubt he carries a lot of responsibility but wonder how much responsibility she has. Perhaps she was flirting him all night and then she lured him back to the hotel. He is a horrible person for doing this but she is an adult and I think she has equal responsibility.
Both vile people.

He was grooming her; this is terrible 😣

yes, but he was grooming her in other ways until she was older. Why did he coach her individually? Why did he keep in touch with her. He is a sick/disgusting man

OP said she was very talented which is why he coached her, and that after she stopped doing the sport, they had very little contact for many years.