I just ended things with a good man. I feel sick.

[SeamsLegit]

13 years, our kids 12 and 8. A calm home with plenty of laughs. As I said, he's a good man. Kind, reliable, dependable, funny. But we haven't had sex in over a year, the attraction is gone for me (he hasn't changed physically) and his drive has certainly disappeared. Feels like we are roommates. Talked a few times, he is content with life as is. I did spell out things I want... passion, romance, excitement, affection. He has definitely put in an effort, complimenting me, buying me things, defrosting my car on icy mornings - but when he puts his arms around me in bed it feels wrong. He's upset (disappointed in his words). I feel anxious, nauseous. Is that a sign I made the wrong decision?? I'm 40, he's 50. The house is mine, but I don't want him to feel scared, anchorless, worried about the future. I have suggested separate rooms, cohabiting and co-parenting. He doesn't think it will work. I don't want our kids not to see him every day. I don't want him to feel excluded - he is family to me, I love him, I'm not IN love with him. I feel like I've been hanging on for things to get better for a long time. But I also feel selfish for choosing ME over our family unit as it is.

History, my mother divorced my dad and left to travel the world when I was a young teen. Definitely affected me, my life derailed, I stopped going to school, wasted the potential I had, did things I shouldn't etc. Although I was young and really, older men shouldn't have done those things - but no force etc. I feel resentful that my mum left at such a young age, my dad obviously had a hard time adjusting, things weren't great for a while - although I have minimal memories of that time. Great relationship with my dad now, recently not so great with my mum as although we were besties for years, now that I am caring for her due to ill health, I am narky and impatient a lot because she didn't look after me when she should have!

I suppose I'm scared I'm doing the same thing - but I'm not going anywhere. I'm very aware that life is short. I don't want to have regrets!! But I don't want to hurt any of my family either. Any advice is welcome, although I guess posting this before I dropped the bomb last night might have made more sense. It just bubbled out of me lying in bed, like I couldn't hold it in any longer.

Now I'm in work, and tearful. I haven't told anyone irl, I'm trying to be resilient

You seem awfully defensive about something (however niche) that is working well for you. Where are you getting you figures from for your "lots" btw?

Thank you to everyone wishing me well. I have read every reply. On Thursday, come rain or shine, the two of us - actually 3 including the hairy hound - are going for a forest walk and I'm trying to focus on positive thoughts. 2 happy, healthy children, a safe home, a job I really quite like (as opposed to HATE like previous jobs I've had) and finally healing (hopefully) whatever can be healed mentally.

I feel like I've cycled through multiple emotions super quickly today (and previously) perhaps another symptom of something

Don't get rid of a good man because yes you will affect your children's future over your own selfishness, get yourself fixed with support/therapy. Good men are hard to find you sound like you are taking yours for granted for a long time without finding ways of fixing it (it's all so throwaway) Get the help you need instead of destroying 4 lives and your kids end up in therapy in years to come because of selfish mothering

Good luck, OP. I hope you get some help for your symptoms and some therapy. Hopefully, you and DP can work it out together. It seems like there is still love and care there.

I agree with this.
I think that passion in a relationship comes and goes and can be affected by whatever else is going on. I know that in the year after my Dad died I felt quite closed off and needed time on my own to process it, I had young children so that alone time was mostly carved out of time I would have spent with dh rather than from time with dc. It’s easy when you have children to slip into (who said this ? Some Hollywood actor) “running a small nursery with someone I used to date” ..
Have you made an effort to reconnect with your husband ? Because how you talk about it feels odd, it’s about what he has done, as though it is his sole responsibility . I know if my husband told me I had to be more passionate that would kill any passion stone dead ! Better to look at yourself and what you could do to feel more emotional intensity in all areas of your life, if that is what you feel is lacking, Eg doing things that you really love. And just as we think about how much we love them really, when a child is being a total pain, it can help to really focus on how much you do actually love your partner , when you are feeling less loving.
Leaving a crappy relationship is one thing, leaving a man you do love, who is kind, funny, reliable, especially when you have young children at home, sounds a crazy thing to do without doing everything you can possibly do to improve things between you.
You owe it to your children, you owe it to your husband, but actually you also owe it to yourself, to work through the shifts that happen over a long relationship. Then if things turn out to really not be resolvable at least you have tried. Your forties can be a weird time. Hormones changing, and a bit of a “now or never “ feel . Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water !

You could prioritise your children’s happiness over your own. Just saying.

I agree. I'm in my late 30s and left my longterm ex on the understanding that I might face years of singledom and celibacy, and that it would likely mean I'd be childless. I was right, but even now, I don't regret my decision. I wish I could back to the partner I wanted him to be, not return to the person he actually was.

I wouldn't be making any decisions without having sex therapy and a hefty course of sessions for yourself OP.

After thirteen years shared with a good man and father to two children, "the house is solely mine"?

Couple of thoughts. I’m a similar age and I ended my marriage a couple of years ago. I had therapy beforehand to work through my thoughts and feelings and only did it when I truly felt there was no going back. Sexless as well (him with a low drive). However, when we agreed to separate, honestly, all I felt was relief! It was hard on DC to start with and took a lot for me to stand firm in the decision. But ultimately we are all happier.
It’s definitely worth your H exploring the reason behind his drop in libido. Sounds like there’s psychological but there may be physical too. XH had a health problem that lowered his testosterone. One of the reasons we split was because he wouldn’t chase about getting treatment. It’s good that your H has said he will look into it. I’m not a fan of ultimatums but it sounds like you saying you can only see yourselves splitting has made him realise what he stands to lose.
Despite him being low in mood/libido, funnily enough XH met someone else a couple of weeks after we split up 🤨 doubt she was going round to his house for his cooking!
I am very fortunate to have met someone a while after my divorce, but I have to stress I was at a point where I felt I would rather being single the rest of my life than stay married to XH. OLD in your 40s is no picnic! Meeting DP was the icing on the cake of my freedom, but it’s not always easy. We won’t be able to live together for a long time.
I would suggest saying to your H he gets medical advice, you get therapy. Worth noting that complex PSTD can present similarly to EUPD, Autism/ADHD and bipolar at times and you’ll need a specialist to work through things.
Maybe you do need time off. Time to process. Suggest to your H you try to do things to relax together. Not sex but try to create the romance and intimacy like dinner just the two of you, even just walks holding hands. See if the initial spark is still there somewhere.

You will in a decade, or sooner, go through the menopause and your sex drive will likely change dramatically. That thrill and excitement and passion you seek could one day seem like a very distant priority. I think you first should seek therapy, then perhaps come to an agreement with your husband to do something once a week, not necessarily sex but something in that realm. Invest in a decent toy. The thrills and excitement are great, but I would say a family unit with what sounds like a lovely man is worth fighting for and trying to find a middle ground. Would he be up for taking tribulis (increases sex drive) or even Viagra?

I hope he gives you another chance

Am glad that you have looked for and got some help. And that you have your DP looking after you.
He really sounds as if he is trying to change which is a big positive. With physical affection you could try to fake it till you make it, small
touches, hold hands, accept cuddles.
Look after yourself and let others look after you too.

OP, I really feel for you. My marriage is similar (married to an excellent, supportive man, we have children), but it's been sexless for far longer, and I don't see that ever returning. I once did what you did, and said I wanted to end it. I felt life was too short to close myself off to potential (sexual) relationships, when that wasn't even part of my marriage. My husband and I began to take practical steps to separate. I met a man through a hobby who I fell head over heels for, and he seemed to feel the same way - in fact, part of what made him so attractive was how much he seemed to like me. He told me I would be so sought after as a single woman, and that he wanted to support me through it. We eventually had a fling (with my husband's knowledge) - and at that point I learnt that he had no intention of taking me as a serious prospect. He didn't want to fall in love with a woman in my situation. He saw his feelings for me as a problem that had to be dealt with, not as something beautiful to lean into and nurture. His idea of success as a single woman for me was to have my pick of shagging random idiots off Tinder, then maybe settle down with an older divorced dad. He was also a real prick in many ways, so perhaps it was for the best that I didn't end up with him, but I did feel an intense connection with him which I felt would have added so much to my life. It was like a drug, and the withdrawal was very hard and took a long time. He cut me off quite coldly and started seeing someone else. My husband stood by me and supported me. The experience left me not trusting in romantic relationships, and feeling very starkly the difference between men and women. I have stayed in the marriage, making no big decisions yet, just focusing on family life and other things, which I believe is by far the best thing for our children right now, and perhaps forever. I appreciate my husband more than ever, even if the sexual issue is unresolved. I can't see anybody loving me as loyally as he does, knowing me like he does. I have to accept that sex need not be the overriding factor in big life decisions. There is so much more to a longstanding marriage, which becomes part of the family structure for generation after generation. I see the difference that stability makes in families held together by longstanding and happy marriages (I mean happy in the sense you and I have in our marriages, obviously I don't know about the sex lives or secret feelings of those couples). I no longer feel the urge to throw the baby out with the bathwater. But it is hard. I can't treat sex as men do, and just get it elsewhere. I am having to really think outside the box, and question every assumption about how life should be lived. I like reading about the past, where marriage was primarily a practical arrangement and not the apex of romantic infatuation, and that helps me reconsider my expectations and get a wider perspective. It's hard, though... And I think you have a better chance than I do at tackling it, as you say you were having lots of sex just a year or two ago.

Only just read this bit. Sounds very very peri meno to me ! Blood tests might not show anything as the thing with peri is that you get fluctuations, so on test day everything might look fine.
I know of women who felt the urge to run off with someone else, move to another country, have a last baby, do something crazy, when peri hit. If that along with your unresolved issues with your Mum is causing a lot of this then maybe just knowing that is helpful.

Not necessarily if its a pre-marriage asset

I don’t think you should help your mum out so much and she needs to know that what she did was awful and massively affected you.

If you're married OP it won't be solely yours, it'll be a shared asset.

They're not married.

Sorry OP but I couldn’t have broken up my family for those reasons. Married life with kids is pretty devoid of excitement, but you trade that I think for stability and contentment. You’ve probably been really badly affected by what your mum did (I have a friend who has done similar), and I’d suggest counselling.

Well I do think you're probably making a mistake. You've probably got ten years of having a libido....yes, you could try to artificially create one but that's not guaranteed to work. It's not realistic to expect a great sex life once you hit 50. There really aren't many decent available men around and I think you'll be very disappointed. Even if you're very attractive to men you'll be disappointed.

He sounds like a really lovely companion. I predict that you'll spend the next ten years unsuccessfully trying to find excitement and then you'll lose your libido at 50 or so. You'll feel anxious and depressed because you'll be lonely and have no support. Your DH will have found someone else and you'll have to face 30 years alone.

I do know how difficult it is to see this when you're being ruled by hormones. But take it from someone who knows (although my exH was quite abusive).

I really relate to all this too. I think for me, work burnout and the obvious parenting stress was a factor. I couldn't see the wood for the trees and kept crying, jumping on and off different treadmills, seeking distraction and oblivion. It took ages, and a few weeks off work, for me to start to zoom out to the big picture and change a few lifestyle things which I'd begun to see as unchangeable. Taking out extra responsibilities, getting into more of a routine with things, and getting into the driving seat of my own day and having better boundaries, instead of just reacting. Being so mentally and emotionally worn down did not help me make good life decisions or to look after myself - it's a vicious cycle. For me it helped to look at things holistically, rather than hoping to pin it on this or on that. It sounds like you have loads on your plate and it's not sustainable.

I'm sorry but I think you will regret this. You can't have your cake and eat it too. You want to keep everything the same bar sharing the bed so you can have sex with whoever you want? Can you imagine if this was the other way around and a man was suggesting this ? Nobody can make you stay in a marriage but there will be consequences for all of you including your poor children, pretending otherwise is just disillusioned and selfish.

"If you’re married..."

From some of the language used by the OP, eg

"I don't want him to feel excluded - he is family to me"

I get the feeling that they are not married. The same advice that is often given to women here about getting married if they are ever going to have children and live together could equally be given to this guy as well.

He may well get half the house in the end due to having a "beneficial interest" but that's going to be an expensive court case.

I would rather be with the devil I know, than break up with a nice, reliable man, especially if you have children- what if it was you that had lost your sex drive?
Cant you go for couples therapy?
There is a lot of shit out there! That includes woman!