I just ended things with a good man. I feel sick.

[SeamsLegit]

13 years, our kids 12 and 8. A calm home with plenty of laughs. As I said, he's a good man. Kind, reliable, dependable, funny. But we haven't had sex in over a year, the attraction is gone for me (he hasn't changed physically) and his drive has certainly disappeared. Feels like we are roommates. Talked a few times, he is content with life as is. I did spell out things I want... passion, romance, excitement, affection. He has definitely put in an effort, complimenting me, buying me things, defrosting my car on icy mornings - but when he puts his arms around me in bed it feels wrong. He's upset (disappointed in his words). I feel anxious, nauseous. Is that a sign I made the wrong decision?? I'm 40, he's 50. The house is mine, but I don't want him to feel scared, anchorless, worried about the future. I have suggested separate rooms, cohabiting and co-parenting. He doesn't think it will work. I don't want our kids not to see him every day. I don't want him to feel excluded - he is family to me, I love him, I'm not IN love with him. I feel like I've been hanging on for things to get better for a long time. But I also feel selfish for choosing ME over our family unit as it is.

History, my mother divorced my dad and left to travel the world when I was a young teen. Definitely affected me, my life derailed, I stopped going to school, wasted the potential I had, did things I shouldn't etc. Although I was young and really, older men shouldn't have done those things - but no force etc. I feel resentful that my mum left at such a young age, my dad obviously had a hard time adjusting, things weren't great for a while - although I have minimal memories of that time. Great relationship with my dad now, recently not so great with my mum as although we were besties for years, now that I am caring for her due to ill health, I am narky and impatient a lot because she didn't look after me when she should have!

I suppose I'm scared I'm doing the same thing - but I'm not going anywhere. I'm very aware that life is short. I don't want to have regrets!! But I don't want to hurt any of my family either. Any advice is welcome, although I guess posting this before I dropped the bomb last night might have made more sense. It just bubbled out of me lying in bed, like I couldn't hold it in any longer.

Now I'm in work, and tearful. I haven't told anyone irl, I'm trying to be resilient

I live with my husband but we are no longer in a relationship. We sleep in separate rooms but we actually get along better than we have done in years because there are no expectations. We co parent our children and the house is harmonious. We take it in turns to cook, we eat together and we share household tasks. I look after the kids on a Saturday and he does a Sunday. It works really well. I guess it could get complicated if either of us meet someone else but we will cross that bridge when we come to it. He’s still my best friend - we just don’t have any physical relationship at all. It’s quite an unusual situation but it works.

I’m glad you reached out to DP. Hopefully this might open up some frank discussion between you. I definitely think you need therapy perhaps on your own for your childhood trauma and together. If you have therapy together then even if you do split up it would help make it more workable between you.

It’s totally understandable that you feel resentful caring for your mother when she didn’t care for you. And as you are now a mum yourself, you probably can’t understand how she could have done that. You have all those conflicting emotions, and it is a lot to deal with.

I think a PP got it right, I think this is about rejection. You were badly rejected by your mum and now you feel rejected by DP because of your sex life. Also, I wonder why you didnt marry and whether this is a factor also.

I hope you can find a way forward

Before you end things with him,try couples therapy, and even if you can sex therapy as well. We're you attracted to him before,how was the sex before? If there was passion back then,than it is possible to bring it back. You both just need to put effort. Being 40 and single with 2 children I'm not sure how you could pursue passion romance and sex elsewhere,it seems complicated and it would all come breaking down on your children's back they would suffer the most. And on top of that it's really not ideal to look for a man unless you in your 20 and hot sorry but it is true ,possibilities are limited.

For anyone interested, my doctor called back, I have blood tests booked for next week. He doubts it is peri, leaning more towards mental health. Whatever I have (I thought ADHD and autism but what do I know, could be bipolar or anything, but whatever it is, it's becoming more prominent as I get older, I am so sensitive to smells and sounds now, I know I come across as ANGRY from overstimulation (more guilt), I operate on auto pilot a lot, zone out, hyperfocus etc

My DP is en route with lunch for me. I feel panicky, tearful, I don't know what to do for the best. I've emailed 3 therapy/counselling clinics and hope I can be fitted in this evening by someone.

I don't want to feel like this

I think it's more common than you think! This is how my marriage ended up, too. I decided that I didn't want the rest of my life to look like that - I'm sure a lot of people just carry on, though.

If you fancied him before you can fancy him again. And if he's the person you call when you're struggling there's at least trust and friendship there.

I've been married 30 years - been through - chronic health issues (me, him and DC), infertility, IVF, adoption, cancer scare, caring for elderly parents (including a mother that I didn't have the easiest relationship with), redundancy, financial issues, homelessness, bereavements (including adopting our niece after her mum (my DSIL) died, mental health and plenty more. During that time we've been good, bad and indifferent. Had periods of lots of sex and long gaps with no sex at all. At one point I gave up on it and was planning to leave. All our intimacy was gone and just having a conversation seemed impossible never mind actually doing it! I was certain I wasn't in love with him and we were 'just good friends'. It was actually my dad that said 'well good friends isn't a bad start...do you value his friendship'. I said 'yes of course but friendship isn't as important if passion has gone and anyway we'll always be friends even if we split up'. "No you won't " he replied "he's a great guy he'll meet someone else and she won't want his ex-wife calling all the time and he'll take her side cos she'll be the one he loves. You won't be that important to him...and anyway he has no loyalty to this place (we lived in my home town at the time) so he'll probably move away if a great job comes up". That gave me a kick up the back side. How we were living was bad but the thought of him with a new wife and kids living far away and only having brief text conversations over logistics was worse so....

we had some therapy - some couples but actually individual was most helpful. We're both 'nice' people and that was half our problem - we were both so used to putting the other person first that neither of us really knew what we wanted ourselves or how to ask for it. We both put everything else ahead of ourselves or our relationship. We let problems drift because we were scared to rock the boat. We both had to put a lot of work in and learn to talk and listen to each other honestly. When we were able to be honest we could build emotional intimacy which kicked into physical intimacy over time. It's not 'blind madly in love passion' but it's built on genuine love, affection and understanding of each other. We still have our ups and downs but I can truly say our relationship is the best it's ever been (despite many of the issues listed above still being current) and we've just come back from a dirty weekend in London where we had plenty of fun!

If you both want to rebuild something it's possible. Sometimes you need that shock of what you could be losing to force you to make the changes you need.

I am not sure this thread is going to help you tbh. You'll be given lots of opinions by people who don't know about your mental health and how that is impacting on your life outlook at the moment, and aren't in any position to factor that into their advice.

Therapy is the answer here. Good luck with whatever you decide.

I ended a 20 year marriage, and my kids were 9 & 11 at the time. I would not have considered therapy, as my husband was cheating on me, and had done so many times, so I was done.

The effect on my kids was horrific. I know everyone says kids are resilient, bla bla bla, but this was not my experience. It took my DD years and years to get over it. The endless traipsing between two homes (that aren't as nice as the original home), the introduction of new partners (the woman that my H moved into his home was nasty to my kids), the emotional turmoil etc. I sometimes wish I had waited until they were 18 and then re-evaluated.

Anyway, I was lucky in that I did meet someone else, and we are still together 16 years later (and married). Lots of sex at the start, but now waning. I think it's normal.

Between leaving first H and meeting my now H, I met some horrible men. Men who used fake profile pics, men who were plainly just wanting sex and then to disappear.

I have 3 girlfriends who are fabulous, have their own houses, really good jobs, are slim and attractive - they are aged 35, 45 and 52. Not one of them can find a decent man. The 35 & 45 year old's don't have any kids, and have both been single for at least 5 years. They have come off the dating apps because it's so grim. Food for thought.

Could you take a few weeks off work? To get something in place re therapy and take a moment to breath?

I hope you find what you are looking for,,,,,,,and he does sound like a good man ❤

Really positive steps, OP, you are clearly a woman of action! There's no need to assume you have a particular condition, simply dealing with early trauma or attachment difficulties - or simply being exhausted, unhappy and stressed, or contemplating the rest of your life at middle age - could be making you snappy, out of patience or impulsive. Find someone you're happy talking to and take your time. Good luck with everything.

I think the main problem here is mismatched libidos and the resentment that is causing - and I don't blame you, I certainly wouldnt want to live the rest of my life with no sex.

Sometimes when the attraction has gone it's gone and it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy because everything they do then starts to annoy you.

Of course I know that the excitement of a new relationship doesn't last forever, I'm not naive. But I have friends who have been married for many years and still enjoy each others company, still very much love each other and can't imagine being either alone or with anyone else. That wasn't my life and it doesn't sound like it's yours either.

And I agree with this - I've been with dh 20 years and although we've had our ups and downs I've always been attract3d to him, we've never gone more than a few weeks without sex and even though he irritates the hell out of me sometimes there's no one else I'd rather be with. My life is definitely better with him in it.

But i think life is too short to be miserable with someone especially if they won't get help for issues such as ED that could possibly improve the relationship. He's basically telling you he doesn't really care that you're miserable in a sexless marriage and his wants trump yours.

Id try the therapy anyway as what happened to you in your teens will have had some affect but I don't necessarily think it's the cause of the issues in your marriage.

Life is very short - but you would have to come to terms with the fact that you may never meet anyone "better".

My comments above are based on him being 'a good guy' which it sounds like he is. My DH is definitely a good guy and that was important. Also that the relationship has been good in the past so you know it can work.

If there's any manipulation / control / abuse or if both of you aren't committed to making it work then I wouldn't advise the therapy approach.

@Hermyknee
Or more likely in the OPs case it is a changing level of testosterone/ progesterone/ oestrogen.

OP has already mentioned MH issues and medication to control it. Obviously at 40 hormones change, but if that's happening in conjunction with an existing MH issue then it could explain a lot.

Well done OP, imo you have done exactly the right thing. It's wonderful your DH is there for you & supporting you with those feelings. You will get better but you have to believe it. 🥰

Your DH is lovely in lots of ways. Many women are searching high and low to create the family unit you have. Life isn’t one big sex-fuelled party of exciting things. We all get bogged down waiting for the next good thing to happen. That’s life. You need to think about not repeating history and the affect it will have on everyone.

Just read your update. Hang in there. It can get better. Xx

This. And I'm guessing, OP, that your partner who lives with you and is probably more aware of your MH issues and moods than you are, will be aware of it too.

Passion and romance do certainly fade but you still have to be attracted to them at the very least. I ended my 10 year relationship because I didn't fancy him anymore and we too were like brother and sister. But we didn't have children together which made it much easier to split. To be honest my sex drive fell off a cliff when I hit peri-menopause and his was non-existent too. I'm not interested in another relationship but I thought to myself that I didn't want to stay in this relationship for the next 40 years and close off that side of my life completely.

A good friend of mine is single at 45. She would love to meet someone.
There is nobody decent out there. She has been hassled, abused, ghosted. She's given up, preferring the stability of single life to trying to date in your 40s.

What I'm trying to say is that while it may be the right time to end this relationship, you need to do it because this relationship is wrong - not because you can expect another, better one.

I think you’re working through what your mother did to you. You’ve a good man, keep him, your kids need you both. The passion can come back, I went through very difficult times with my partner but we’re more in love now than ever

NRTFT.

He likely has low testosterone. About 30% of men his age have it to some degree. The same thing happened to my DH at age 46 - no libido, poor erections, etc.

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/male-hypogonadism/symptoms-causes/syc-20354881

My husband went on testosterone replacement therapy. His doctor rx'd him a clear gel, which he rubs into his upper arms once daily. Three days after he started, he was as right as rain again.

It's important that he gets it looked into. Hypogonadism increases his risk for cardiovascular disease as he ages.

I don't know if that was a typo but big fan of va va boom

I agree with others in that I think you might regret this decision if you leave too soon, but on the other hand, if this is who he is now, why would you be any happier if you stayed?

I haven't read all your posts, but one that stuck out for me was tat if this lack of drive happened to you, you would be motivated to fix it. You would realise it was important for your marriage, and you'd probably miss that part, that spark of yourself and life experience. He though, seems to be at a different phase of his life, ready to let go of his sexual self and your age gap is exacerbating matters.

I think therapy for you individually plus as a couple would probably really help.

I found that when I was depressed my sex drive didn't disappear, but the thought of having sex with my husband was incredibly unappealing.
I felt like I was having a crisis, that I was wasting my life with someone I didn't really love or feel passion for.
It helped to remind myself that a lot of men are selfish in bed lol and that I had previously really enjoyed sex with my husband, he was generous and attentive.
When my head was clearer I was able to remind myself that the grass would most likely not be greener! The reason I enjoy having sex with my husband is because I am so comfortable with him, not because of some fiery passion.
That in reality I value the day to day experience with a partner far more than the sex, so mind blowing sex would not make up for a partner that didn't make me feel supported in life generally.

I don't think you're alone in feeling this way but I think rationally you know its not the best reason to give up on your current family life and that there might still be a chance to find your way back to a healthy relationship.
I do think its difficult to get the spark back when there's been a period without intimacy, but its not impossible, just requires effort from both parties and an acceptance that it might not be the same, but still worthwhile.

These are symptoms of perimenopause - I'm suffering similarly. The rage is unbearable and some days I cannot handle being touched. Other days I'm really horny. It reminds me of puberty. I've not tried HRT yet.
ADHD etc is only diagnosable if it's not a new issue - eg you struggled with focus and time management/organisational skills even back in school/in early jobs.
Another thing occurred to me: are you getting enough time alone? Are you carrying everything eg the finances and the mental load? Why doesn't he have any stake in the house after so long together? Is it because he's basically a bit of a lazy arse hole? That will kill your desire pretty quickly once you hit mid life