I just ended things with a good man. I feel sick.

[SeamsLegit]

13 years, our kids 12 and 8. A calm home with plenty of laughs. As I said, he's a good man. Kind, reliable, dependable, funny. But we haven't had sex in over a year, the attraction is gone for me (he hasn't changed physically) and his drive has certainly disappeared. Feels like we are roommates. Talked a few times, he is content with life as is. I did spell out things I want... passion, romance, excitement, affection. He has definitely put in an effort, complimenting me, buying me things, defrosting my car on icy mornings - but when he puts his arms around me in bed it feels wrong. He's upset (disappointed in his words). I feel anxious, nauseous. Is that a sign I made the wrong decision?? I'm 40, he's 50. The house is mine, but I don't want him to feel scared, anchorless, worried about the future. I have suggested separate rooms, cohabiting and co-parenting. He doesn't think it will work. I don't want our kids not to see him every day. I don't want him to feel excluded - he is family to me, I love him, I'm not IN love with him. I feel like I've been hanging on for things to get better for a long time. But I also feel selfish for choosing ME over our family unit as it is.

History, my mother divorced my dad and left to travel the world when I was a young teen. Definitely affected me, my life derailed, I stopped going to school, wasted the potential I had, did things I shouldn't etc. Although I was young and really, older men shouldn't have done those things - but no force etc. I feel resentful that my mum left at such a young age, my dad obviously had a hard time adjusting, things weren't great for a while - although I have minimal memories of that time. Great relationship with my dad now, recently not so great with my mum as although we were besties for years, now that I am caring for her due to ill health, I am narky and impatient a lot because she didn't look after me when she should have!

I suppose I'm scared I'm doing the same thing - but I'm not going anywhere. I'm very aware that life is short. I don't want to have regrets!! But I don't want to hurt any of my family either. Any advice is welcome, although I guess posting this before I dropped the bomb last night might have made more sense. It just bubbled out of me lying in bed, like I couldn't hold it in any longer.

Now I'm in work, and tearful. I haven't told anyone irl, I'm trying to be resilient

To answer the house question, it was gifted to me by my father. So, factually, it is solely mine. I don't mean that cruelly, we are not married.

I am calmer than I was.

I said to him earlier that I didn't want either of us forcing ourselves to be intimate. Taking time off work is not an option, my mental health is far more stable in a routine!

As for my mum... I spent over 20 years believing (and telling her!) that I was glad she left since she wasn't happy. Her health has quite dramatically nosedived over the past few years, and now she lives very close to me, with carers visiting multiple times daily. Currently I do her groceries, cleaning and laundry, and see her every single day, sometimes multiple times. But as my eldest grows up, close to the age I was, the thought began rattling around in my head. Eventually, I told her that I couldn't understand how she had justified moving so far away to herself. Far enough, divorce my dad, but she could have stayed closer while we were still children (i have a brother 3 years older).

She was irked at me, and said it was over 20 years ago. I asked if that made it irrelevant to her, because it didn't make it irrelevant to me. I know she had a traumatic childhood - but would never, and probably will never, talk about it with her father. She thinks its better to keep it in, rather than hurt his feelings. She, (honestly rather exasperatedly) apologised, to which I began to say 'you don't have to...' but took a breath and just said thank you.

I am resentful that so much of my time is taken up looking after her, thinking about looking after her, remembering this, that and the other... That makes me feel like a terrible person

It's not realistic to expect a great sex life once you hit 50

What? My sex drive was very high at 50, and it's still very much alive at 55.
50 isn't 80!

I think cohabiting as co-parenting housemates seems like the best option of he is willing to reconsider.

That is essentially what you are now so why is he resistant?

I understand this resentment, and it doesn't make you a bad person. My sibling and I have to do everything for my elderly Dad, and because he wasn't a great Dad, it rankles. But even he was better than your Mum - he was present for a bloody start! Realistically, can you see yourself doing this for years and years? Our Dad is mid 80's, so it probably can't go on for longer than another 5 years. How old is your Mum?

They are not married

My husband did this when he turned 40. He is now in a polyamorous with some woman he met, and our two adult kids cut off contact with him as soon as they reached adulthood.

“Had a panic attack, called DP crying. He was at my work within 5 minutes. (Like I said, he is a GOOD man.)”

aww OP be careful about using him as your emotional crutch. Can you lean on friends instead at the moment? It’s pretty harsh to essentially break up with him but then call him to come running as soon as you need him. There’s no shame in leaving him if that’s what you want to do but I think you need to give him a bit of space rather than getting his hopes up by calling him rather than a friend.

If OP was a man who’d left his wife and then called said wife to come and help him he’d be getting torn a new one on here.

There is absolutely no way you should feel guilty for feeling like this regarding the amount expected of you in helping your mother. It's no wonder you feel the way you do. I was in the same situation with elderly parents the difference being I was responsible for both my mother & father towards the end of their lives. To be fair they fought hard to maintain their independence with my help. Eventually it became so overwhelming due to worsening mobility issues the only option was arranging a care home. They agreed & spent the final year of life in a lovely home with 24 hour care.

I would get in touch with social services & fight for more help OP so you don't ever have to visit twice a day

First ever counselling session straight after work today.

I do believe I'm having a mental health crisis right now

Best of luck, really hope it works out for you both.

I often feel like leaving but I don’t because I have love, support and I know we are good together. What I’m saying is, what you’re feeling is normal. I try to count my blessings. X

From everything you said it sounds like a lot of it is based around wanting to escape because of all the responsibility and stress you've had - and continue to have - with everything that's on your plate. You have also not had time to process any of it or had any time for yourself because everything has always been about other people - your kids and your mum - and putting them first.

It's not unusual at all to fantasise about escaping, especially running off somewhere where you can just be alone for a bit, or with a knight in shining amour. But even knights in shining armour need to pay council tax, do washing, have all the mundaneness of every day life which won't be any different from what you have now.

What you're looking for is a happy distraction, but that is a short term fix for a long term problem.

I think the steps you've taken so far seem like strong ones. If there's anyone else who can also help take some of the load off your plate, whether by family, friends or payment, it's worth looking into.

And remembering it won't be forever that you're in this position.

Watch or read 'Anna Karenina'...

Best of luck OP

Yeah this. It's horrible to initiate divorce proceedings and then expect him to be there emotionally for you

Well that was hardly her plan when she said to him ‘I’m so upset I’m thinking about separating with you’ it might be the best thing she ever did.

Throw a bucket of cold water over the two of them and realise it’s a relationship worth fighting for. He needed to wake up and realise that he was taking her for granted too. I am on her side.

She hasn't initiated divorce proceedings, and they're not even married. She blurted out last night that she wanted to split, today she's unwell and her DP can see that she's obviously in a state, under pressure in many aspects of life, and needs support. It's clear the OP is undecided what to do, and in a bit of a personal crisis. The DP loves her and is not just taking her words at face value to prove a point. I see where you are coming from, but I don't think it fits in this situation. This is where the going gets hard and loved ones step up and look beyond what's being blurted out in a panic.

My sister walked out on her husband and it was the best thing she ever did. They would both agree with that now.

It frightened the shite out of him (and her) and they got back together pretty much straight away. She had counselling and he sorted himself out and that was 10 years ago and they are still together and are both very happy with their lives now. It’s not a romantic fairytale but there is a lot of respect and she has very hard boundaries now.

It is like a second marriage, to the same person.

I’m not sure it really matters whether they’re married or not though. I dunno I just think it’s really harsh on him for OP to be keeping him dangling on a bit of string while she works through what she wants to do. Her OP does say “I just ended things with a good man. I feel sick. ” which makes it sound like she’s properly called it off.

That’s not what is happening. She spoke to him last night.

I really wish you find the road to repairing the trauma that your mother inflicted on you. I've been following this thread and your updates really paint a more complicated story from your op. I'm glad you're going to start therapy: I hope you find a good therapist that can guide you through this rough patch. Life has them, these difficult moments of crisis. But you'll get to the other side of this, with those you love and who love you by your side.

Oh OP!!!!

Sounds like you're having a really tough time!

In your position I would stop seeing your mother and relax back into your family routine.

It might be that you're taking it out on your husband because he's your 'Safe' person!

I would not leave him if I were in your position!

It must be hard for you not having a clear idea how to parent teens because of your experience but you get to decide how this period of your kids life will be and you're motherhood journey xxx

Well done for recognising it, op and taking the steps to help yourself. Hope it goes well later, glad you were booked in so soon

I do think there's a huge difference between "initiating divorce proceedings", which means instructing a lawyer and kicking off a legal process to dissolve a marriage, Vs telling your partner/husband you want to split, which does nothing but open a conversation which could be resolved in many ways - probably just as often a recommitment to the relationship, as an actual split. I have done the "I want to end things" and it never got near a divorce lawyer. That really would have been much more final.

(Actually I lie, I did have a free thirty minute consultation with one, months later, just to gather info. The lawyer said he hoped we could make it work as there was clearly a lot of love between us).