I just ended things with a good man. I feel sick.

[SeamsLegit]

13 years, our kids 12 and 8. A calm home with plenty of laughs. As I said, he's a good man. Kind, reliable, dependable, funny. But we haven't had sex in over a year, the attraction is gone for me (he hasn't changed physically) and his drive has certainly disappeared. Feels like we are roommates. Talked a few times, he is content with life as is. I did spell out things I want... passion, romance, excitement, affection. He has definitely put in an effort, complimenting me, buying me things, defrosting my car on icy mornings - but when he puts his arms around me in bed it feels wrong. He's upset (disappointed in his words). I feel anxious, nauseous. Is that a sign I made the wrong decision?? I'm 40, he's 50. The house is mine, but I don't want him to feel scared, anchorless, worried about the future. I have suggested separate rooms, cohabiting and co-parenting. He doesn't think it will work. I don't want our kids not to see him every day. I don't want him to feel excluded - he is family to me, I love him, I'm not IN love with him. I feel like I've been hanging on for things to get better for a long time. But I also feel selfish for choosing ME over our family unit as it is.

History, my mother divorced my dad and left to travel the world when I was a young teen. Definitely affected me, my life derailed, I stopped going to school, wasted the potential I had, did things I shouldn't etc. Although I was young and really, older men shouldn't have done those things - but no force etc. I feel resentful that my mum left at such a young age, my dad obviously had a hard time adjusting, things weren't great for a while - although I have minimal memories of that time. Great relationship with my dad now, recently not so great with my mum as although we were besties for years, now that I am caring for her due to ill health, I am narky and impatient a lot because she didn't look after me when she should have!

I suppose I'm scared I'm doing the same thing - but I'm not going anywhere. I'm very aware that life is short. I don't want to have regrets!! But I don't want to hurt any of my family either. Any advice is welcome, although I guess posting this before I dropped the bomb last night might have made more sense. It just bubbled out of me lying in bed, like I couldn't hold it in any longer.

Now I'm in work, and tearful. I haven't told anyone irl, I'm trying to be resilient

Cross post! How have I missed that last update?! Good luck x

You sound very upset and that is understandable given what you have just decided to do. Of course our childhoods influence not only what we expect from relationships but how we behave in them and as others have suggested maybe therapy would help you in relation to the things you endured in your childhood. However I do think it is unrealistic to expect that marriage is going to be thrilling, romantic and that you will be having spine tingling sex for decades after you first got together. Your husband sounds as if he has many of the qualities that a lot of women stuck with useless, unkind unhelpful men long for. Maybe long term he will meet someone else, and then i wonder how you would feel? We get fed this romantic fantasy of "happily ever after" of "soulmates" and "the one", real life is not like that, it is about compromise, honesty, caring, enjoying the good times and working through the dull grind of daily life. But only you know what you want for your future and if you need to leave then do so

I will get blasted, but I do think we have to speak frankly.
Divorce affects kids, it just does. A child is the physical embodiment of the union between their parents. When their is a break between their parents, there is a break in the child. That is just the way it is.
And it does not really end. Even when you are married with your own kids, you have to shimmy between your dm's family and your df's.
"Two houses, two homes two kitchens, two phones, Two couches where I lay, two places that I stay, Moving, moving here and there, from Monday to Friday"
all that you know..
So to put it bluntly, it is going to be hard for your kids and they will inevitably see both their mother and father less. Mom wants to date so know they will see her even less and have to play second fiddle at least some of the time while she's trying to get a new relationship going..( obv you are going to say this will never happen etc, but it will and your kids will admit it even if you don't. People will also say "ive dated post divorce it it did not affect my kids " - again they wont admit it but the kids felt it)
Inevitably there would be less money to go around for your kids as there is now two homes to keep.
There is a myriad of downsides. Read the two-parent privileged. Kids from divorced families do generally (I did not say ALL, but as a general rule) fare worse. (obviously bar abuse)

It is also true that you are unfulfilled and only have one life etc.
No one can tell you you have to stay - maybe there will be someone better there for you, although as my mom always said, you take yourself with. The problems you couldn't fix in this marriage, you're still the same girl that couldn't/didn't want to fix the problems in her previous marriage. Second marriages also have a higher chance of divorce than a first. So "happiness" is not guaranteed.

If it were me, I really did mean my vows when I said them. If my husband has ED or whatever, sickness and in health, I wouldn't think people would be saying 'yeah go for it' if I husband wanted to divorce his wife over vaginusmus or birth injury. The snip can cause problems with sex.
I would do couples counselling, do my best to enjoy this marriage that I had, but even if I coudln't enjoy it, I wouldn't leave so that I can be poorer, my kids could be less happy, for the odd chance that I might have a good sex life for the next 5 - 7 years, before I hit menopause anyway.

I just thought I'd be frank.

Obviously you can weigh up the pros and cons and it might be better for you to leave. It won't be better for your kids though. But ultimately that is up to you and I guess it is legitimate to say I want a soulmate, someone to grow old with, I won't stay for the kids that will be out of the house in 10 years.

A few years ago, when things were really bad with DH (and your situation is possibly less severe in that you're not specifically unahpyp with him), one of the things I did after a conversation with a friend wsa really sit down and think about all the GOOD things. And then, when things annoyed or upset me, I'd consciously try to keep those things in mind in the context of the many many good things. It really helped. It wasn't quick - and I remember saying to the same friend about 6 months later, "I really really do see all the good and I know I shouldn't fixate on the bad BUT....." NOw, a few years later, I might throw my hands up in exasperation occassionally, but things are so much better. And to be clear, HE has done the work too - he's listened to the things I found hard and done his best sto step up.

I agree that the issues with your mum are big. I also think that his passivity (probably due to fear or insecurity) on certain things probably haven't helped either. You are both going to need to work on this.

All other stuff aside, I wonder if sub-consciously he is scared the vasectomy hasn’t worked and is worried about getting you pregnant again. Maybe that’s why he is struggling to have sex.

As someone who did exactly the same thing for exactly the same reason, rest assured that it won't be! OP you only come this way once, and there's no point being miserable while you're here.

I think the fact you feel sick probably tells you something.

Do you feel any element of relief with it? Or just sadness?

If you really want this then it's okay to want it but you also have to let him go. It's not fair that he's the person you call and that you still want him around.

If he got himself a new girlfriend in a couple of months how would you feel?

It's easy to feel bored from a position of comfort. Putting yourself back out there can be brutal and you'll have no trouble feeling wanted in the first stages as men on dating sites all want this. But the boost to the esteem is short lived when they ghost you or you realise they are a creep afterwards.

Perhaps you both need to properly communicate rather than giving up? Because finding what you want may well be possible but it won't be without bad times along the way so be realistic.

I love this post and just wanted to wish you well. Having loving and romantic thoughts for your partner shouldn’t be just a teenage fantasy. It’s ok to want that in an adult relationship. I know like is busy and hard but at the core of a relationship there should be love and a bit of excitement. I believe it exists.

I think you are making a grave mistake you will live to regret.

Out there in the real world, most men (most, not all) are not what you dream of, men and women are fundamentally different. You dream of love & romance and excitement, a lot of the men looking for a woman would not be queuing up to give that to a woman 40+ with children. Some, but the majority, no.

Your husband sounds lovely, the type of man many single women on here search endlessly for on dating sites and only find snakes, and players and men who would bring down your life not enhance it. You think life is all fun & excitement? It's not, it's hard work at times and as a couple you face those down moments together, like you face the up moments.

Desire wanes and rises, no one is wanting to shag the bones of their spouse with the intensity of new/young love constantly throughout a long-term marriage. Love & marriage is about sticking it out and making it better and as good as you can for both of you.

What about him? You're destroying his life and family to go seeking thrills just like your mother did (and look what you think of her, still think of her, always will think of her) don't you want to be better than her?

I'm happy married, we've had our moments, but we both stuck it out because that's what marriage is - for life, did you forget? You don't just run off when the going gets tough, you work to make it better then you, your husband and your children have a good, fulfilling life. He's not abusive, not a drunk, not a gambler, the things women are advised to leave their husband for. Many on here will think you lucky.

Some of the unspoken things a man does for his wife that show love and care are so much more precious than 24/7 romance (which is usually, in the beginning, a desire to get sex, understand men better eh?) Do you really think dating sites are full of what you are looking for? You are going to get such a shock. Your poor husband, he deserves better.

Your update is really reassuring, I hope you and your DH can both fix the issues you are dealing with - it can be particularly hard if you are both going through something at the same time (him physical health and you emotional/trauma) so you aren't able to be completely there for each other. Even if you do decide to separate in a year or two, you will both be in a better place to make these decisions if you are able to work through your own problems first.

It sounds like bursting it all out into the open has actually been a good thing and you are both now able to recognise your own and each other's problems and start the process of fixing them, so don't feel bad about that either.

I have a friend who had a similar blow up two years ago, after an incident with her controlling and abusive dad. I've know her 40yrs, and when younger she'd always responded to incidents with him by going and having sex with random, often unsuitable and dangerous, men. It was so hard to see the same pattern play out. Her, her ExH and kids are all considerably less happy than they were and I feel so angry that her dad still had the power to fuck up her life when she was late 40s.

I didn't put 2+2 together to start with, but I wish I had and I wish I'd been as upfront with her as people here have been. You are doing really well by comparison, the fact you even linked the situation to your mum in the OP shows a real sense of awareness. Best of luck to you and your family.

Op, you don't have to make a decision now. It doesn't sound like the right time to make a decision like this. Please get some therapy, talk it out before you make any big decisions that will blow up your family.

Could you discuss having an open marriage?

My only thoughts are that I feel like dating and sex post separation are going to bring you down to earth with a bump and that you may feel like nothing has changed apart from you no longer have your partner.

And whilst sex may not be a priority for him he has many qualities that women are looking for and we be open to a relationship with him.

I think people can end a relationship for any reason. My favourite was my hairdresser dumped her BF because she didn’t like the way he ate apples, no kids and young so no real investment.

Your real issue is assuming you will find love and excitement.

Good men are hard to come by

I think you are being foolish

To be fair she said she wanted sex and passion, which she will definitely get in the short term. What she's highly unlikely to get is sex and passion combined with a kind, funny and caring man that lasts past the honeymoon stage, because OP wants this as she is living with her head in the clouds

Not read the entire thread. But my take from this is he suffered an injury to his manhood from his vasectomy which has put him on a downward spiral whilst simultaneously you appear to have hit the point in a woman’s life where hormones rage as it’s possibly your last chance to get pregnant which has led to an incompatibility sex wise.

This doesn’t read to me as if the relationship is a goner, but I do think the both of you would probably need to commit to sex therapy and couples counselling.

Disclaimer-if this is absolutely what you want then you do not need to find other reasons but if I’m honest it doesn’t read like you are that certain it’s over.

This man came running when you called after you dumped his arse the day before. That's worth considering.

He was the one you called when you had a panic attack. That's also worth considering.

I agree with the majority here that while life is short, marriage is not as described as in a romance novel. My husband and I have been together over 20 years and being brutally honest the passion is definitely gone. However we have a good relationship on the whole and a lovely family where we are happy. My husband has a low sex drive and whilst intimacy is lovely and healthy in a relationship for me if everything else is good and we are happy it wouldn't break up my marriage. I do respect we are all different and I hope things work out just fine for you x

For lots? No it doesn't. I'm sure there's the occasional unicorn out there who's fine with it but it's neither a common or reasonable thing to do and most relationships where it happens are damaging to those involved.

OP you cannot divorce your husband without hurting him and without hurting your children. That doesn't mean you shouldn't divorce but you do need to be realistic aaboutthe effect its going to have on your nearest and dearest and act fairly towards them. That includes not leaning so much on the man you are leaving or planning to leave for emotional support.

I'm astonished at (what looks like) the vast majority of posts here.

Leave out all the romancy stuff, OP says they haven't had sex in a year. And he doesn't want to. Sure, the grass might not be greener if you do split - but at 40 you could have another 40-odd years with no sex. Or let's say 30, before you end up shagging everything going in your nursing home.

I think you do owe it to yourself to unpack the feelings around your mum, and to have some couples therapy to see if you can't reach a happy medium, but bottom line is, just because you're a mum doesn't mean you have to settle for the bottom denominator. Sex is important within relationships.When there's a mismatch like this, it's bound to cause a rift.

Hard agree.

There seems to be a strong 'any man is better than no man' vibe going on here. I think a lot of posters are also projecting, to some extent.

I think you’re being massively unfair to your partner. His lack of sex drive is clearly linked to the vasectomy, as prior to that there were no problems. He had a long and painful recovery and when he eventually tried to be intimate he couldn’t get an erection. I can imagine how dejected he’s feeling.
Now instead of sticking by him and being a proper partner to him, you’ve decided to get rid and hunt out some “passion”. As if all the other good qualities in your relationship mean absolutely nothing!
In wonder if your decrease in attraction to him is linked to his inability to get an erection and I imagine a decrease in his confidence etc.

You seem incredibly sure of yourself regarding a matter you clearly know nothing about.

Maybe get off your knees, open your eyes and explore why you're so disturbed by a perfectly legitimate lifestyle choice which works for lots of people.

You may not be able to choose how to feel, but you can choose what to do, and that can have an impact on how you feel.

I recommend you choose to break the generational trauma.