Page 11 | I just ended things with a good man. I feel sick.

tsmainsqueeze · 13/01/2025 14:23

PrettyPeanut · 13/01/2025 10:07

I grew up with parents who stayed in an unhappy marriage because they believed in a family unit with marriage for life and one family home for the children. I grew up resenting this however I am 36 in a sexless marriage for nearly 10 years because I don't want to break up the family, it's more valuable for my happiness to be together than break up the family for hypothetical soulmate and fantastic sex that may or may not happen. I am happy with my decision because I believe that being a parent means you put your children first. I am in many ways following my parents footsteps and see the value and benefits of their sacrifice for me and my siblings. It does seem like you are following your mother's model of putting herself first.

To be brutally honest, there is no queue of amazing eligible fantastic shaggers just eager to take on a 40 year old with her 2 kids and ex. At least leaving for an impressive career or even travel is more understandable and noble than separating for sex to me. It just feels very lowly reason to put a good man and 2 young children through. You're now off your husband but feelings change. This is likely a midlife crisis of being around age your mum and or children were the same age as she left. I think therapy might be good. It helped me come to term with my marriage, parents marriage and childhood.

This makes a lot of sense to me.
What you do have is love and stability ,surely much more important than the short thrill of sex.

notacooldad · 13/01/2025 14:23

You do you but but I wouldn't have done it. I would not have broken up my family like that.

If course you can leave a relationship you are not happy in however it's not just about you is it? What are you going to do, get another fella and let your kids get used to him until you get bored and start the process again.
You may think the grass maybe greener elsewhere but it's still grass.

theleafandnotthetree · 13/01/2025 14:25

Christwosheds · 13/01/2025 13:22

I agree with this.
I think that passion in a relationship comes and goes and can be affected by whatever else is going on. I know that in the year after my Dad died I felt quite closed off and needed time on my own to process it, I had young children so that alone time was mostly carved out of time I would have spent with dh rather than from time with dc. It’s easy when you have children to slip into (who said this ? Some Hollywood actor) “running a small nursery with someone I used to date” ..
Have you made an effort to reconnect with your husband ? Because how you talk about it feels odd, it’s about what he has done, as though it is his sole responsibility . I know if my husband told me I had to be more passionate that would kill any passion stone dead ! Better to look at yourself and what you could do to feel more emotional intensity in all areas of your life, if that is what you feel is lacking, Eg doing things that you really love. And just as we think about how much we love them really, when a child is being a total pain, it can help to really focus on how much you do actually love your partner , when you are feeling less loving.
Leaving a crappy relationship is one thing, leaving a man you do love, who is kind, funny, reliable, especially when you have young children at home, sounds a crazy thing to do without doing everything you can possibly do to improve things between you.
You owe it to your children, you owe it to your husband, but actually you also owe it to yourself, to work through the shifts that happen over a long relationship. Then if things turn out to really not be resolvable at least you have tried. Your forties can be a weird time. Hormones changing, and a bit of a “now or never “ feel . Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water !

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That was Ethan Hawke's character in Before Sunset, it's always stayed with me too as it describes it perfectly.

skyeisthelimit · 13/01/2025 14:26

Good luck OP. I think that you both need some counselling and a lot of talking to get through this.

You need support but so does he.

Startrekkeruniverse · 13/01/2025 14:26

Variegatedleaves · 13/01/2025 14:22

I do think there's a huge difference between "initiating divorce proceedings", which means instructing a lawyer and kicking off a legal process to dissolve a marriage, Vs telling your partner/husband you want to split, which does nothing but open a conversation which could be resolved in many ways - probably just as often a recommitment to the relationship, as an actual split. I have done the "I want to end things" and it never got near a divorce lawyer. That really would have been much more final.

(Actually I lie, I did have a free thirty minute consultation with one, months later, just to gather info. The lawyer said he hoped we could make it work as there was clearly a lot of love between us).

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Oh yeah I get you and I never said it was like initiating divorce proceedings. I still think OP needs to be careful about getting his hopes up though when she’s ended things with him one minute and then is calling him to come and help her the next. She needs to leave him be for now and seek support elsewhere.

I honestly think if the sexes were reversed and it was a man ending things with his wife and then calling her to come and help him the response on here would be brutal.

andthat · 13/01/2025 14:27

@SeamsLegityou say yourself that you’ve let a good one go.

To be honest… it sounds like he’s been jumping through hoops trying to keep you. He deserves someone who does the same for him… not with one foot constantly out the door in pursuit of passion.

You’ve ended it. That’s fine and your prerogative.

Now you need to focus on making this as pain free for everyone. No one can tell you if you’ve made the right decision or not…all you can do is try to move forwards and hope for the best.

It does sound like therapy might be helpful as you navigate your new future and deal with the experiences of the past.

wishing you well OP.

BeAzureAnt · 13/01/2025 14:28

SeamsLegit · 13/01/2025 09:49

13 years, our kids 12 and 8. A calm home with plenty of laughs. As I said, he's a good man. Kind, reliable, dependable, funny. But we haven't had sex in over a year, the attraction is gone for me (he hasn't changed physically) and his drive has certainly disappeared. Feels like we are roommates. Talked a few times, he is content with life as is. I did spell out things I want... passion, romance, excitement, affection. He has definitely put in an effort, complimenting me, buying me things, defrosting my car on icy mornings - but when he puts his arms around me in bed it feels wrong. He's upset (disappointed in his words). I feel anxious, nauseous. Is that a sign I made the wrong decision?? I'm 40, he's 50. The house is mine, but I don't want him to feel scared, anchorless, worried about the future. I have suggested separate rooms, cohabiting and co-parenting. He doesn't think it will work. I don't want our kids not to see him every day. I don't want him to feel excluded - he is family to me, I love him, I'm not IN love with him. I feel like I've been hanging on for things to get better for a long time. But I also feel selfish for choosing ME over our family unit as it is.

History, my mother divorced my dad and left to travel the world when I was a young teen. Definitely affected me, my life derailed, I stopped going to school, wasted the potential I had, did things I shouldn't etc. Although I was young and really, older men shouldn't have done those things - but no force etc. I feel resentful that my mum left at such a young age, my dad obviously had a hard time adjusting, things weren't great for a while - although I have minimal memories of that time. Great relationship with my dad now, recently not so great with my mum as although we were besties for years, now that I am caring for her due to ill health, I am narky and impatient a lot because she didn't look after me when she should have!

I suppose I'm scared I'm doing the same thing - but I'm not going anywhere. I'm very aware that life is short. I don't want to have regrets!! But I don't want to hurt any of my family either. Any advice is welcome, although I guess posting this before I dropped the bomb last night might have made more sense. It just bubbled out of me lying in bed, like I couldn't hold it in any longer.

Now I'm in work, and tearful. I haven't told anyone irl, I'm trying to be resilient

OP, have you and your husband gone to a sex therapist? I'm serious...if this is the main issue, the therapist can help you unpack how much of this is due to trauma, or poor communication or maybe, simply perimenopause. I am not trying to be condescending, but if your DH is a good man, I'd think twice about this.

TopshopCropTop · 13/01/2025 14:30

Could not imagine destroying my children’s happiness all because I wasn’t getting enough sex.

You need serious, serious help to overcome your narcissism. If you think there’s a long line of hot men out where waiting to shag a 40 something woman with 2 kids my god you’re in for a fright.

I hope your children and your husband have a lovely happy ending.

Original poster

SeamsLegit · 13/01/2025 14:31

My mental health has always been 'a thing'... depression, anxiety, overwhelm... but not constantly, i said to DP today, looking back over our time together, there hasn't been any huge bad times, we've had a lovely relationship. I am prone to panicking (obviously!) and last night it felt like I couldn't keep it in.

Now, I guess I've been redirecting my issues with my mum. Definitely, me and DP have work to do, but I need to figure out my own head rather than make life altering decisions. Right now, I can hardly believe I wanted to separate - it goes to show how quickly I am cycling through emotions and feelings and thoughts.

Life at home is in no way bad - a calm (except for me being narky! And I'm not always narky!), safe, happy home, we have lovely pets, my Dad is in and out all the time, we have no money worries (not much spare, but enough, bills paid, food in the cupboard, definitely more money than there was when either of us were growing up, and thankfully neither of us have expensive tastes), all 4 of us have a good laugh. I know we are lucky - but mental health doesn't discriminate.

OP posts:

blueshoes · 13/01/2025 14:31

OP, glad you have blood tests booked. I am sure your GP has it under control, just make sure he gets your thyroid levels checked to rule out an overactive thyroid:

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/overactive-thyroid-hyperthyroidism/

Hyperthyroidism can affect your mood and cause anxiety, nervousness and irritability.

TheLittleOldWomanWhoShrinks · 13/01/2025 14:37

From everything you said it sounds like a lot of it is based around wanting to escape because of all the responsibility and stress you've had - and continue to have - with everything that's on your plate.

This - and I think you've displaced that urge. It's actually your mother you want/need to escape from, as there must be a part of you finding it extremely painful to be running around after her when she wasn't there for you when you needed her. But you feel you can't do that, so you've transferred the 'escape' onto your relationship - the cruel irony of which is that you'd effectively be re-enacting what your mother did, at least in part.

I wish you well in sorting this out.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 13/01/2025 14:38

SeamsLegit · 13/01/2025 14:01

First ever counselling session straight after work today.

I do believe I'm having a mental health crisis right now

That's great that you are getting some counselling. You are not at all in a place to make such a huge decision at the moment; you sound desperate and regretful and need to work this through before deciding whether your marriage is a going concern. All the best.

Aquamarinescarf · 13/01/2025 14:40

OP, have you and your husband gone to a sex therapist? I'm serious...if this is the main issue, the therapist can help you unpack how much of this is due to trauma, or poor communication or maybe, simply perimenopause. I am not trying to be condescending, but if your DH is a good man, I'd think twice about this.

@BeAzureAnt This really, really isn't the main issue. Read the OP's posts.

ListenDontJudge · 13/01/2025 14:42

I think y

yamafi · 13/01/2025 14:47

SeamsLegit · 13/01/2025 14:01

First ever counselling session straight after work today.

I do believe I'm having a mental health crisis right now

This is a great start. Please don't do anything else rash concerning your partner and children. Take some time over the next few months to sort out all your feelings through counselling. Good luck 💛

sweetcolacube · 13/01/2025 14:47

Is it possible that at this age a 10 year age gap is starting to show? Aging happens in a big spurt mid 40's recent studies have show which may explain dwindling attraction and decline in sex drive in your husband. We enter our 40's possibly still looking and feeling quite young but aging is really kicking in for most people by 50. Health issues and hormones declining will be starting to up and so you are in quite different places as you are coming to a stage where your fertility is having its "last hurrah" so your sex drive it up and perhaps pushing you to seek a new partner.

The mundanity of life also starts to set in after so long and children together, at 50 you might be happy to accept that but at 40 it probably feels too soon to settle into a comfortable middle age. People are also different, some require a lot of stimulation others are happier with a quieter life and simpler joys.

I do think that men can be lazy at showing their affection outside sex the longer you are in a relationship with them and the odd compliment, hug or bunch of flowers would go a long way to making wives feel loved and wanted (provided that isn't a substitute for actually pulling their weight). I know in past relationships I've had where its been nice but the men just seem to get lazy at being sweet to you and it just leaves you feeling unloved and from their its easy to lose attraction. I'm not talking about high romance here just day to day affection and appreciation.

On the other hand it isn't easy out there, the dating scene is not pretty especially after 40 and especially if you have young kids. A lot of men will want to go on dates with you and want to sleep with you but it will be much harder to find a relationship and many amazing women struggle to find a decent man at all. On the other hand its quite likely that if your DH is as nice as you say someone will snap him up asap. There are more good women out there after 40 than good men. So I wouldn't leave your DH thinking that their are all these great men looking to build a new relationship with you because their just aren't.

Variegatedleaves · 13/01/2025 14:51

Startrekkeruniverse · 13/01/2025 14:26

Oh yeah I get you and I never said it was like initiating divorce proceedings. I still think OP needs to be careful about getting his hopes up though when she’s ended things with him one minute and then is calling him to come and help her the next. She needs to leave him be for now and seek support elsewhere.

I honestly think if the sexes were reversed and it was a man ending things with his wife and then calling her to come and help him the response on here would be brutal.

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I think what he's doing is correctly perceiving last night's talk as a cry for help from a loved one who is drowning, and that the panic attack is a further symptom of that. Given that this talk took place a few waking hours ago, and that they are a longstanding family unit, to me it would seem out of place for him to say "call your friends about your panic attack, or call your dad, don't call me, because you want to split up with me, remember?". We can see from her newer posts that she is already seeing things in a different light.

yamafi · 13/01/2025 14:51

yamafi · 13/01/2025 13:42

I'm sorry but I think you will regret this. You can't have your cake and eat it too. You want to keep everything the same bar sharing the bed so you can have sex with whoever you want? Can you imagine if this was the other way around and a man was suggesting this ? Nobody can make you stay in a marriage but there will be consequences for all of you including your poor children, pretending otherwise is just disillusioned and selfish.

I'm sorry, I should of read the whole thread before posting. 💛

Secondstart1001 · 13/01/2025 14:52

Flopsy145 · 13/01/2025 13:29

You will in a decade, or sooner, go through the menopause and your sex drive will likely change dramatically. That thrill and excitement and passion you seek could one day seem like a very distant priority. I think you first should seek therapy, then perhaps come to an agreement with your husband to do something once a week, not necessarily sex but something in that realm. Invest in a decent toy. The thrills and excitement are great, but I would say a family unit with what sounds like a lovely man is worth fighting for and trying to find a middle ground. Would he be up for taking tribulis (increases sex drive) or even Viagra?

Some women’s sex drive further increases during periods or menopause so this could go either way from @SeamsLegit . I speak from my personal experience in saying my drive has gone through the roof, I would have it every day and for me 3-4 times with dp is ok, I stick with it as he’s a very good man even though it’s not enough for me. I am waiting for my drive to fall off a cliff tbh.

Aquamarinescarf · 13/01/2025 14:53

SeamsLegit · Today 14:01
First ever counselling session straight after work today.
I do believe I'm having a mental health crisis right now

Good news. Have to say, the speed at which you're working does make me wonder whether you're a bit manic. Manic people get a lot done!

It sounds to me as if you have some big stuff to work your way through, and with your existing MH issue it may all be too much for a counsellor to handle. Not saying that to put you off — you're heading the right direction IMO. Just that you may find you need to see someone with particular qualifications and experience. That might be a psychotherapist who specialises in working with clients with MH issues or even a psychiatrist who offers psychotherapy. I'm not trying to cast shade on counsellors, but working with a client with established MH issues can require specialist skills. Good luck, and if you're not sure whether the counsellor is the right person for you, use that buzzy energy to find someone who is.

AlexandrinaH · 13/01/2025 14:54

Chiseltip · 13/01/2025 11:52

"Passion"

"Romance"

Kindly OP, you live a real life, you have kids, you're not young anymore, and you aren't a character in a TV RomCom.

The figures show that it's mostly women in their 40s who instigate divorce, not sure of the exact figures but it's somewhere like 80% of divorces are started by women. The figures also show that men generally end up in a new relationship whereas the majority of women never do. You can leave for whatever reason you want, but it will change your childrens lives forever. Your relationship with them will change and it will never be the same again.

Just think long and hard before you do anything. The reality is that you probably won't have another relationship, so the passion and romance you crave is irrelevant.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Who are these men in relationships with then, if the majority of divorced women don’t find another one?

Hipalong · 13/01/2025 14:55

AlexandrinaH · 13/01/2025 14:54

Who are these men in relationships with then, if the majority of divorced women don’t find another one?

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The good ones are with younger women. The crappy ones are alone 🤷‍♀️

CauliflowerBalti · 13/01/2025 14:58

I hope that the counselling and the gentle communication with your partner give you clarity and peace, but I would just like to say that mismatched sex drives are a valid reason to end a relationship, even if there are children involved. All relationships have ebbs and flows, but if one of you is consistently feeling like they want more and the other just isn't interested in finding solutions for this, then it's fair enough. Neither party is right or wrong. We all have our own unique sex drive, yours isn't too high, his isn't too low. You just aren't aligned, and it will just drive a wedge between you.

I think many people in your position stop hoping for sex with their partner - because it's the hope that kills you, and also because no one is entitled to sex, so there's no point in pursuing it and flogging a dead horse. But if the sex drive remains, it just gets targeted elsewhere - fantasies or worse, actually enacted with other people.

Because if it's not appropriate to want to have sex with someone, if the feelings you have aren't welcome, there's no point in wanting to have sex with them and it's actually quite humiliating, wanting to have sex with someone and that feeling just not being reciprocated. And when you've had a conversation about it a million times and nothing changes - that person just becomes not for sex. That isn't their role in the relationship any more.

Which means they're fully and firmly friendzoned and not objects of desire if they do every try and show physical affection.

And that's a death spiral.

I would not be happy in a relationship without physical intimacy. I was a single parent for a long time, I have really good friends, I'm not afraid of being alone. All of the companionship and support reasons for being married fade away. I believe in monogamy and my partner is the only person in the world I can therefore have sex with, ever again. If I need a shoulder to lean on, I have other people. My broader network can meet all of my needs, except that one.

Original poster

SeamsLegit · 13/01/2025 14:58

I have often felt I can be manic... that's the 'hyper-focus' I mentioned. I get a bee in my bonnet and can do nothing else. I have got back out of bed to rearrange furniture, organise cabinets, and for a while draw house plans to scale - I am not building a house. I have mentioned this to a doctor before but they were neither concerned nor interested

OP posts:

IButtleSir · 13/01/2025 15:00

So you broke up your children's family because you haven't had a shag in a while? Bloody hell.

But I also feel selfish for choosing ME over our family unit as it is.

That's because you have been incredibly selfish. What you are feeling is guilt, and it's the correct emotion in this instance.

Edited to add: I commented before reading your updates- it sounds as if you have decided to stay in your relationship? I'm glad you're getting counselling, as it seems like you really need it.

I do find it strange how you make almost no mention of your children in your posts. Did you think about how your decision would affect them? I know you believe you are having a mental health crisis, and that does make people selfish, but sadly parents don't have the luxury of being selfish. Your children's happiness and stability have to come first. I really hope you are able to make your peace with what sounds like a lovely, supportive relationship.