Fiancé broke up with me & thrown me out of house & said I can’t see step daughter again

[Louisaella]

Hi

just seeking some advice. My fiance ended our engagement & 5 year relationship last week - after a build up of a few months of arguments. His daughter (13) lives with us full time so I have been her mum (step mum) the past 5 years. When I went to collect some of my belongings today, as I live with them, he had removed all traces of me from the house, all my belongings and photos of us, and said him and his daughter did not want to see me anymore. I also have nowhere to live (other than friends sofa) for another 4 months as my property is rented out! I am so heart broken - various reasons. A) I have built a strong relationship with her and feel like I’m not just grieving him but also her. B) I feel so sad that he has just discarded me and removed all traces of me from house c) I said at the beginning of relationship that I was worried about moving in and getting too attached as was scared that if we ever broke up I would never see her again and I’ve had a lot of childhood trauma so am often scared to get too attached (in case I get abandoned again). I’ve asked him to just have a break for a month and let the dust settle but he said he’s done and easier for all if they just remove everything of mine from house.
I am so heart broken. Any advice?

First of all, I'm sorry you're going through this 😔 it's very hard but I think you need to walk away and cut ties with him. He's made it very clear that he doesn't want to have contact with you. If you're close to his daughter, this is going to be very sad for her too.

A clean break can feel brutal but I promise you that it will help you get over him quicker. You don't want to have a relationship with someone who can treat you like this and show such little consideration for your feelings. You deserve better than him.

What aren't you telling us? What have you been arguing about? It's not a nice situation to be in, but I feel like there's a lot of information missing. If he doesn't want you to see him or his daughter, there must be a reason why.

Gently - what finally triggered the break up as your ex partner has reacted very strongly?

A clean break is for the best regardless.

You’ve got to remember this is his life and his child and he can make a decision just like that

What's his reasons because this is brutal!

Surely if the relationship has naturally run its course he would let you say goodbye to your stepdaughter and atleast let you stay there until you found somewhere. Is there some information missing here ?

I’m sorry you’re going through this and I appreciate it must be tough on you.

There must be a reason behind his decision to end a 5 year year relationship and cut you completely out of his and his daughters life that you’ve not mentioned. No-one abruptly ends a relationship and asks someone to move out for no reason.

He often loses his temper and will throw me out of their house if I voice something that I don’t agree with. Am treading on eggshells all the time. last year he asked me to leave 3 times. We always managed to patch it up as I would wait for him to calm down and plead not to throw our family unit & relationship away.

@Louisaella

from what you just said you need to grieve, let it go and move on and build a life without this man who doesn’t value you or treat you well. It’s probably a trauma bond you’ve got. It’ll take time but you’ll heal xx

But what is he losing his temper over? Why is he throwing you out of the house?

He simply said he wasn’t happy anymore, I don’t do enough family things (as I work a lot), and we argue too much. I have never been treated like this so in shock. I asked if we could have some space and even if this is the end could we sit and just have a chat in a month or so - as this isn’t normal behaviour after 5 years, and could I also explain to his daughter that me and her dad were splitting up but I love her dearly and if she ever wanted to reach out she could and I would still always be there for her but he said it would be easier for them both to not have contact and just remove everything of mine. He’s also very stubborn and I believe narcissistic so this may be his final narcisstic discard.

Apparently I work too much and spend too little time with him and family, he has anger issues and will rage if I don’t have time to do washing, cooking, school runs and work

Never beg a boyfriend to house you, never walk on eggshells to keep some male around.

Don't date at all until you have raised your standards stratospherically, have therapy, work on your self esteem and examine your thoughts on what dating a man should bring to your life.

Urgently get secure housing and financial independence.

He clearly doesn't want you around anymore and I think you have to accept that. It's hard, I was involved with a man a few years ago, and his daughter and I bonded immediately. I loved her very much. Unfortunately he went back to his ex and I didn't see he or his daughter again. Did it hurt? MADLY. I felt like I was slowly dying. It was so painful, but I learned to cope with it. You have to go through the grief and don't try and push it down.

Okay so we got to the point eventually.

You're going to have to let go.

Please walk away with dignity, he doesn't sound like a good person. You deserve someone better. Time is a healer, you will get over him and your SD.

I feel for his DD but you should run, block and be grateful to get away.

OP I’m sorry you’re hurting, however the man you describe is awful and one day you will realise he’s done you a favour.
Get some more therapy and work on your self esteem, you deserve more than him

You need to walk away then, this is no way to live.

Will your tenants be moving out in 4 months ? does their contract end then or have you already given them notice 2 months ago.
You need to find a short term rental in the meantime.

I wonder who is going to do the school runs, washing and cooking now? I assume you don’t have DC together

I am struggling to see his good points and why you were planning to marry him

He's abusive and you're well rid of him.

Next time, listen to your instincts and don't go for men with children. This is one of a very, very long line of reasons why "blending" is so harmful to children.

He regularly doesn't control his temper then you leaving is a great thing

Can you find anywhere to rent until your place crimes available. Would a cheap travel lodge a few nights a week be manageable between sofa sleeping ?

So he's not angry about you not spending enough time as a family, he is annoyed you don't make a very good maid.

He treats you terribly. Kicking you out of your home multiple times is abusive. You are better off without him.

If your sd has a phone then perhaps send her a goodbye message. But honestly, you are better off getting far away from this man

This is a blessing in disguise for you. He’s abusive.

For his daughter… not so much. He’ll be focusing on her next.

What a lucky escape.
He sounds absolutely hideous.

Sounds like a deeply misogynistic man , one who expects you to be nothing but a slave to him.

You will get over it , I promise.
What an abusive little shit he is.