Fiancé broke up with me & thrown me out of house & said I can’t see step daughter again

[Louisaella]

Hi

just seeking some advice. My fiance ended our engagement & 5 year relationship last week - after a build up of a few months of arguments. His daughter (13) lives with us full time so I have been her mum (step mum) the past 5 years. When I went to collect some of my belongings today, as I live with them, he had removed all traces of me from the house, all my belongings and photos of us, and said him and his daughter did not want to see me anymore. I also have nowhere to live (other than friends sofa) for another 4 months as my property is rented out! I am so heart broken - various reasons. A) I have built a strong relationship with her and feel like I’m not just grieving him but also her. B) I feel so sad that he has just discarded me and removed all traces of me from house c) I said at the beginning of relationship that I was worried about moving in and getting too attached as was scared that if we ever broke up I would never see her again and I’ve had a lot of childhood trauma so am often scared to get too attached (in case I get abandoned again). I’ve asked him to just have a break for a month and let the dust settle but he said he’s done and easier for all if they just remove everything of mine from house.
I am so heart broken. Any advice?

So sorry OP. Can you retrieve all your personal things?

I think over the years he’s just broken me down. Like I said previously this has definitely made me realise I need to go back to therapy and find why I allowed this to happen. I became so weak and clinging on the relationship (for her and us) and thought he would change. But found myself never able to do enough or anything right and treading on egg shells. I also think he got me to a place where I started thinking something was wrong with me and I needed him. He would shout at me, yell, gave me silent treatment. I wish I had the strength to have left myself much earlier. I really do.

It sounds like you are grieving the loss of the relationship with your step daughter than with your partner which is quite telling

I went through this.

I'll tell you now that the upside of being in this situation is that once you're over it and you move on, you're never the same person again.

For me it was a lack of self esteem, it was because I grew up in an abusive household and it was "normal". It was constantly pulling the lever on the fruit machine hoping for a different result, occasionally getting a couple of coins out (a kind word/a hug/sex) but generally I just lost and lost and lost. I gave and gave bits of myself, I told myself I should be better/prettier/more organised and THEN I would have approval and be enough.

It's insane really when I look back that I played that fruit machine for so long adn went along with so much.

I'd never do it again. Once you've got over that kind of heartbreak you're done with that shite.

I am so sorry that this has happened to you.

This is my advice (on having recently been to court over child custody/social services and 2 years of lawyers and police)

You are not the stepmother and she is not your step daughter and never was.

It could get very nasty indeed if you contact a minor in any way and he could make a case for stalking.You must leave the child out of this 100%.

5 years really is not long. Walk away.

Look to the future.

I haven't read the full thread but if someome tells you their not happy in the relationship just let them do what they have too do, its not fair on them to beg and plead, everyone is entitled to be happy in life, we only get one

Correction: It's not fair on YOU to beg and plead. When someone is behaving the way your fiance did, they don't DESERVE to be begged for anything, or even to have your headspace.

It sounds as though you are much better out if that relationship, but I feel sorry for his daughter. Is her mother in her life?. If so I think she needs to take a greater role as it doesn't sound like a healthy place for her

Not really fair to say it is not a healthy place for his DD.

We really do not know this.
We do know it is now argument free; for everyone.

@Louisaella I’ve asked this before, but where is the mother?

She passed away when she was 1.
He then had a girlfriend for 3 years. They broke up. Another one for 2 years they broke up. Then I came along and we’ve been together for 5 years. I wanted to be a stable person in her life (and probably I’m hindsight probably stayed longer as didn’t want to cause her more trauma), hence I also feel very protective of her.

but of course I would never go to court or want to cause her more upset.

I just wondered what people’s advice is. Should I reach out and just send her a message in a few months as I don’t want her thinking I abondened her or it’s her fault in any way.

You are out now. He did you a favour. Stay gone and let him continue to think its his idea. When he realises you aren't going to beg and pled I'm sure he will reconsider. But, you need to be firm in not returning.

You wouldn't be able to go to court as it's not your child. I understand what you are saying but ultimately if her father is deciding you are not in her life, you have to respect that.

It is not your problem anymore, as horrible as that sounds. I would not try to get in touch as he could accuse you of harassing his child which will only make you feel worse. You need to take care of yourself.

NO. I gave my advice.

Obviously YOU cannot got to court.

He certainly can.I would.

Keep away from his DD apart from a bdaycard (maybe).

I would never even consider going to court, I just mentioned this as someone said do not go to court!

like I said I asked for advice as I only want the best for her - and if biological parents or the standard advice world be that contacting her would make her sad, I would never contact her again.

I am just seeking advice on how to best handle it with causing her the least upset.

He did you a favour.
Focus on building yourself up and finding some self respect.
You need to forget about him.
Begging a man to allow you to return to be further abused is awful.
Full no contact with both of them.
You need to fix yourself and get support and advice on how to grow stronger.
Contact Women's aid for advice and support.
You deserve so much better than this.

As harsh as this sounds, you are involving HIS DD in your shock (as you see it) split.

You cannot do this.

And stop referring to her as a DSD.

It is not your responsbility anymore.

Do not use this girl as an excuse to go back to him. He's done you a favour. Stay away.

OP, I agree with everyone who says you need a clean break.
However this man will miss your money and your contribution to the household and after a while he will try to reel you back in. Don't fall for it, if you go back the same thing will happen and eventually he will get what he wants.
What he wants is for you to subordinate yourself to him completely, the cycle of discarding you and then reeling you back in is a way of crushing you so that you lose your identity and you become his subordinate.

I feel very sorry for his daughter. Poor girl, He has brought women in and out of her life and then discarded them. Sadly there's nothing you can do OP except stay away and block all contact with him. Hopefully when his daughter is a little older she will get in touch with you, but you have to be prepared for this not to happen. I would definitely recommend you get some counselling for yourself to help you through this upsetting situation.

I definitely will! Thank you!

I don’t know what DSD means? Sorry!
Ive not involved her as I’ve asked for advice whether to reach out or best to leave it as I only have her best interest at heart and don’t want her feeling abandoned. Yes I do see it as a shock as we had half term holidays booked as a family in 3 weeks, a family event this weekend abroad and had a lot of future plans.

He sounds like a psycho. I wonder what she will think now all that has been cancelled? I bet he will blame you to wriggle out of upsetting her. How horrible.

DSD is MN shorthand for step daughter (D can stand for dear/darling StepDaughter)