Fiancé broke up with me & thrown me out of house & said I can’t see step daughter again

[Louisaella]

Hi

just seeking some advice. My fiance ended our engagement & 5 year relationship last week - after a build up of a few months of arguments. His daughter (13) lives with us full time so I have been her mum (step mum) the past 5 years. When I went to collect some of my belongings today, as I live with them, he had removed all traces of me from the house, all my belongings and photos of us, and said him and his daughter did not want to see me anymore. I also have nowhere to live (other than friends sofa) for another 4 months as my property is rented out! I am so heart broken - various reasons. A) I have built a strong relationship with her and feel like I’m not just grieving him but also her. B) I feel so sad that he has just discarded me and removed all traces of me from house c) I said at the beginning of relationship that I was worried about moving in and getting too attached as was scared that if we ever broke up I would never see her again and I’ve had a lot of childhood trauma so am often scared to get too attached (in case I get abandoned again). I’ve asked him to just have a break for a month and let the dust settle but he said he’s done and easier for all if they just remove everything of mine from house.
I am so heart broken. Any advice?

It sounds like he's doing you a favour though not his DD. Do you want to spend decades under the threat of being thrown out and walking on eggshells? Try to find the right partner with boundaries to avoid abuse in the future.

If he got angry when you didn't do enough childcare and housework then try to avoid being reeled in when he changes his mind.

Good luck.

He doesn't want a partner he wants a housekeeper/childminder with benefits.

In six months time disposable stepmum #4 will be installed to start the cycle again. You were more concerned about a stable family unit than he was.

Honestly you are better off out of it however awful it feels at the moment - it won't feel like that for a while but in six months you may well wonder why you put up with it for so long. I also. feel very sorry for his DD who is stuck with this man and his pattern and will be growing up seeing this as her model of how women should be treated. He is setting her up to be misused by any future man in her own life.

Wow this is just awful - poor girl. I hope if he dates again he has the decency not to let another woman move in unless she’s grown up and left the house by then. This is like a cycle of mother figures coming and going. He is potentially screwing her up. And yes I say the exact same about single mothers who have a string of live-in boyfriends while their child is a minor.

I’d probably just leave it OP. She’s 13 and has her own phone right? If so, she can reach out to you if she wanted to.

Was she there when your partner threw you out?

If you really want to say goodbye just send her a short letter via post or email explaining she is wonderful and it was nothing to do with her that you and her dad didn’t work out, and sorry you didn’t get to say goodbye and and wish her the best etc - or whatever you want to say.

Maybe even address it to your ex asking him to pass it on to her, so he can decide whether to give it to her or not. It sounds counter-intuitive but it means then the communication is above board. It’s likely he may just fling it in the trash but that’s on him.

If you continue to message her privately that would be going against the parents ie. Your ex’s wishes which is problematic given she’s a minor.

A psycho? He will just got with his DD. Or they will do something else.

Relationships end. They are family.

Hi op
I would reach out to her and tell her you're happy to talk to her anytime she wants to call or message her and you love her lots and give her your email and new address.

Before he makes her block you.

This was he won't be able to pretend that you left them both and you told him you didn't want to see her again.

If she replies saying she wants to see you then hopefully he'll let her sometimes.

I disagree that you'd have no rights in court - speak to a lawyer- you've been her mother figure for five years. If she was 7 for example they'd definitely give you time with her. At 13 it would go on her wishes so it depends what she wants.

It is in all but name. She lived with this girl and is the lengthiest relationship this girl has ever had with an adult female as she will have no memory of her mum. Don’t diminish this just because there was no formal marriage. Children’s attachment to partners of parents isn’t dependent on legal formalities that they don’t understand.

OP I certainly don’t think you should go to court but I think a good bye message is appropriate here as she WILL be affected by this and it will give her closure. Do it via WhatsApp and block the ex so that he can’t contact you again. And a man who is abusive to his partner will be at least emotionally abusive to his daughter too. With a goodbye message she knows she can get in touch with you again if she wants to in the future.

My dad lost a stepfather figure when he was a teenager (his own dad had died) and his mum said he wasn't alllpwed to keep in touch with him. According to my mum it broke both my dads and the 'step dad's heart as they were so fond of each other but they both respected my grandmothers wishes and never spoke again. I think it's so sad for one parent to prevent someone who really loves their child to love them

Sounds like you're best off out of it in the long run, op.

I think if you get chance to speak to your stepdaughter, (or if she has her own phone you could message her), just to say that you love her and your door is always open to her.

I wouldn't chase if she doesn't or can't respond, but I wouldn't want to just disappear without saying it.

The only crazy one here is you. She will no way get a restraining order texting a goodbye message. And no, I won’t “believe you” that she would end up in hot water for it because one text/message is not harassment (which must be a course of conduct of at least 2 incidents where the person engaging knows or should have known that it will be perceived as harassment.
Have some fucking compassion.
Also the family courts most definitely recognise caregiving relationships with no formal legal ties.
Stop shit stirring and projecting your own very obvious issues.

Are you OK?

Honestly, I think the person who needs to move on, is you, from this thread. Just go away with your screeching and shit stirring.

OMG 😮

I have no crazy issues and plenty of compassion..

She should NOT contact his DC.
Especially if he is narcisisstic (as she said)

Goodbye.

I would try contact once.

I remember feeling really unlovable when the stepfather I'd lived with since I was four left and didn't seem arsed about maintaining contact.

I think it's damaging to the child to treat that relationship as entirely disposable.

It’s not OP treating the relationship as disposable if she chooses to just move on without saying anything.

She’s just respecting the wishes of her ex, and protecting herself from repercussions given he sounds a bit volatile so either way I think it’s clear she is not the one to blame in this.

I do appreciate the teen may or may not know her Dad is the one who has banned contact and denied her the opportunity to say goodbye in person, which is where there is possibly an argument for one final message.

However, I suspect he will have said to his daughter to not speak with OP anymore as he doesn’t want them communicating and probably wants to control the narrative.

I wasn't blaming OP. The ex is clearly a massive dick.

For your own sake, just leave him to get on with it. He's being very unreasonable and cruel to you and his DD, but he's made his decision.

Let's hope his DD emerges from her childhood relatively unscathed.

Where will you live for the next 4 months?

I agree with others on here that you should definitely reach out and send a message. State clearly that you are happy to see her but understand if she can't. Her father will probably tell her you left and don't want to see her anymore. This will make her feel shitty and discarded. Wirh a crappy father like hers - even if she never contacts you it will be good for her to know someone cared.

I am really sorry for the girl.

Did you miss the bit where he's been trying to get her to work less? Where he is angry with her if she doesn't do as much housework as he would like? That's financial abuse and coercive control.

As a PP said, READ.

Abusers destroy their victim's self-worth and they can become convinced that they are unworthy of love by a better man.

This is DV 101 stuff here.

So, in the twelve years since that girl lost her mother, her dad has a girlfriend for ten of those years. He doesn't like being without a bangmaid for long, does he?

The Relationships regulars are well-used to his type. They treat women as interchangeable domestic appliances, not as people.

I pity his daughter.

Aye, if you want to say goodbye to her, send one message only, no follow-up, but explain that you can only send one. Harassment requires two messages, but as few as two has got people arrested and in court.