Fiancé broke up with me & thrown me out of house & said I can’t see step daughter again

[Louisaella]

Hi

just seeking some advice. My fiance ended our engagement & 5 year relationship last week - after a build up of a few months of arguments. His daughter (13) lives with us full time so I have been her mum (step mum) the past 5 years. When I went to collect some of my belongings today, as I live with them, he had removed all traces of me from the house, all my belongings and photos of us, and said him and his daughter did not want to see me anymore. I also have nowhere to live (other than friends sofa) for another 4 months as my property is rented out! I am so heart broken - various reasons. A) I have built a strong relationship with her and feel like I’m not just grieving him but also her. B) I feel so sad that he has just discarded me and removed all traces of me from house c) I said at the beginning of relationship that I was worried about moving in and getting too attached as was scared that if we ever broke up I would never see her again and I’ve had a lot of childhood trauma so am often scared to get too attached (in case I get abandoned again). I’ve asked him to just have a break for a month and let the dust settle but he said he’s done and easier for all if they just remove everything of mine from house.
I am so heart broken. Any advice?

You know this isn't a sign of a healthy relationship, right? No-one should be walking on eggshells to appease their partner.
It sounds very toxic at best and abusive at worst, given what you say about his temper and that he's been exerting authority by repeatedly making you homeless. You are far, far better out of this and it is not remotely something to beg for.
Does his DD have a way to contact you if she wanted a relationship with you down the line? That would be the only thing I'd want to salvage here, as the poor thing is stuck with him for now.

Maybe you could drop her a card or letter and say that you are sorry it has ended this way and that you will miss her? You could include your email address or mobile number if you want? Then the ball is in her court?

There isn't a relationship to throw away

I feel for his daughter as she may have lost the one stable, reasonable thing in her life

But if you're always walking on eggshells then he is awful and it's best it's over

Unfortunately you will have to lose contact with her . Unless she asks and he allows it there is not much you can do. But really you are better off having nothing to do with him he sounds not very nice . It will be hard but you will get over it in time. Hope you can stay with friend or Airbnb until you can get back your home. Be sure to do the right procedures for your tenant as maybe they can find something quicker.

If your main concern is his daughter she will be 16 in a couple of years so will be able to meet up with you then?

Can you keep in touch via text?

Do you think she wants to keep in contact?

Precisely. This is another reason I don’t entertain men with kids. When I was single I got told (by men with kids) I’m selfish for ruling them out but I’m really not. I’m thinking about what’s best not only for me but their children.

It sounds minor in comparison, but i had a taste of this with my childhood friend. She was a single parent and I helped look after her toddler a lot multiple times a week overnight, to let her work, date, party etc over a period of a 18 months. Her kid was so sweet and smart and we were super close. I’d take her out on day trips too, just me and her.

There was some silly fall out and drama in our social circle and she basically cut me out her child’s life for not taking sides with her against someone.

When she realised she had basically shot herself in the foot and cut out her best babysitter she tried to come back to me as it were, but I always kept her family at arms length after that painful experience.

OP this man sounds like a cruel narcissist, he doesn’t care about your feelings and the writing was clearly on the wall if he’s been threatening to throw you out multiple times before. Never let a man tell you they don’t want you twice. Especially when you’re undertaking a huge responsibility such as helping to raise their child.

What did he do for you?

You’re lucky you got out of this abusive relationship now but I appreciate how painful it must be.

Please look into therapy and reflecting on why it took him throwing you out for this to end. He has actually done you a favour although I doubt he intended to.

I understand it must be heartbreaking to never see your DSD again, but you are better off without a man like this in your life. He's an angry, controlling man who turned you into a scared skivvy, besides your DSD what positives
did you actually get out of this relationship?

What happened to his child’s mother? Does she see her child at all?

OP, I am so sorry for your poor sd. Your partner sounds incredibly emotionally abusive. You have to walk away.

I don’t think it’s a good idea for OP to try and send contact details to the SD. I’d imagine she has them anyway if she’s 13 , but any stealth communication between the two will cause her to lie and keep secrets from her Dad which isn’t good or healthy for her. She’ll feel conflicted and if it slips out he’ll create a big drama which the daughter may have to deal with too.

Maybe when she’s older and she moves out and she wants to reach out to OP she can do that, but for now it’s best to respect his wishes as awful as he is.

And tbh I feel OP could do with just making a clean break too as painful as it is.

Apparently I work too much and spend too little time with him and family, he has anger issues and will rage if I don’t have time to do washing, cooking, school runs and work

He's not your partner, he's your slave-master. You've had a lucky escape - run, and don't look back. Give your tenants notice immediately, and see if you can sofa-surf for a bit then find a cheap hotel - maybe you can negotiate a weekly rate - until your flat is available.

If you have SD's phone number, wait a couple of days then text her saying you'e sorry how things have worked out with her dad but if she wants to keep in touch, you'll be very pleased to hear from her.

In a few weeks time after not walking on eggshells or being his servant, you'll realise what a lucky escape you've had.

He thinks that you are a bangmaid nd verbal punchbag and you have been doing the pickme dance, modelling to his DD that this is how women should behave towards abusive men.

You need to put yourself first now, and that includes ahead of his DD. She's not your child.

I recommend the Freedom Programme, to learn how to detect abusive men.

You were useful until his dd became old enough to look after herself. Poor you and poor kid. She will be doing the housework you did until he gets his next supply. If she is disloyal to him by being in touch with you, he will punish her. You know what narcs are.
You can't see it now but you are well rid of him.

Can you afford a 6 month rental or caravan or air bnb or such like?

I often read about one partner throwing the other out of the house, but I don't think this is legal, even though you're not married. If it's your habitual residence, I think you have the right to stay until you find somewhere else. I don't think he can just throw you out on the street.

What kind of person would do that anyway? You have a longstanding relationship. I'm sure it wouldn't have killed him to have you stay until you have your flat back. Kicked you out knowing you have nowhere to go? No decent person does that.

He sounds awful, and you're better off being single than in such a relationship. I'm longterm single after a horrible marriage, and the peace is amazing.

I think you must have Stockholm Syndrome because truly you should be rejoicing about being free of this awful man. Missing his daughter is sad but honestly not a reason to want to stay in that shitshow.

Sounds like he just wanted a free maid plus sexual services and you were supposed to do as you were told and not complain, like a household appliance.

Losing his temper and throwing you out of the house every time you displease him is seriously abusive. It's "his" house (you call him fiancé but I doubt he would have actually married you because it obviously suited him for you to have no property rights).

Please do not try to contact him and beg him to talk/ have you back. If he contacts you (which he might when he wants domestic service to resume) stand firm and say NO. You deserve so much better than this. Work on your self esteem and someone much better will come along in time.

Yikes, what sort of example is he seeing to that poor girl about how women should be viewed and treated?

The good thing out of all of this mess is that you have your own place and only need to wait 4 months to get in there.

Please, never go back to this waste of a man. Unless he has already lined up his next victim, he will suddenly look around and realise he has no skivvy so will be trying to contact you to ask you back. Hopefully you have already blocked him. No woman should feel she needs to tread on eggshells.

Until he finds a next victim his daughter will probably have to do the skivvying but that is not your problem. Keep away from them.

It's clear to all of us that you are better off without a man who loses his temper with you, throws you out and who makes you feel like you can do nothing right.

You will get through this.

You can't have a relationship with his daughter l

Oh I get it now, you weren't up to standard as his free live in nanny and housekeeper so he sacked you after a few warnings. Wonder how long it will be until he's interviewing new candidates.

I feel for the daughter most of all here.

I do think if you pursued it you should be given visitation with the daughter. You've been a parental figure for 5 years! Unfortunately that means being in proximity to your arsehole ex!

The thing is as she is 13 she will have a lot of control in who she wants to see. I can only imagine that her father has said something to turn her against you to excuse his behaviour or removing all trace of you. She may well refuse to see you. She or the dad might block you on everything.

If I were you, I would attempt to contact her to say goodbye. That it isn't her fault etc and you are there if she ever needs to get in touch, then leave it and move on. I would also send birthday cards etc.

Hopefully if she doesn't get turned against you she may reach out in the future. It sounds like she might need a reliable adult in her life in the next few years with a dad like that and it might be you she chooses.

^ This.

I'm sure it's very painful to be discarded like this @Louisaella but I'm sat here thinking "thank God you've escaped". What pity his daughter can't.

Your ex would undoubtedly use any promises of contact with your sd to mess you about and hurt you so it's really better that it doesn't happen.

Poor SDD. You were probably the one kind parental figure in her life and as she gets older, this narcissistic arsehole will no doubt take his rage out on her if she doesn’t do what he wants her to. But you need to let go of the relationship with the dad. If the daughter has Instagram or similar, I’d send her a message to say how sorry you are that you didn’t get to say goodbye and that you will always care for her. It will mean a lot to her. She can start meeting up with you in a few years when she is older so not all is lost. But you are so much better off without this awful waste of space man.

Sounds like he has done you a favour in ending things. His behaviour is not ok. Take time to grieve and block him on everything. Do not take him back when he realises he has no one to do the school run!!

Why would you want to marry someone like that? Think of this as a lucky escape OP. You’ll look back with relief. Good that you’ve got a house, and friends for the meantime.

He's a domestic abuser sadly and his poor daughter will suffer for it, but thank goodness you're out of there. You could try applying to court for contact with his DD which would probably be granted if that's what she wanted, but equally it would probably be unenforceable if he tried to block it so ultimately a waste of time and energy.

His behaviour sounds like domestic abuse.

Have you read about coercive control?

If you are doing chores out of fear of his anger this is abuse.

Exposing a child to domestic abuse is child abuse.

You should consider reporting him to social services. He shouldn't be emotionally abusing his DD like this. It's not normal or adequate parenting.

Where is her birth mother?