Fiancé broke up with me & thrown me out of house & said I can’t see step daughter again

[Louisaella]

Hi

just seeking some advice. My fiance ended our engagement & 5 year relationship last week - after a build up of a few months of arguments. His daughter (13) lives with us full time so I have been her mum (step mum) the past 5 years. When I went to collect some of my belongings today, as I live with them, he had removed all traces of me from the house, all my belongings and photos of us, and said him and his daughter did not want to see me anymore. I also have nowhere to live (other than friends sofa) for another 4 months as my property is rented out! I am so heart broken - various reasons. A) I have built a strong relationship with her and feel like I’m not just grieving him but also her. B) I feel so sad that he has just discarded me and removed all traces of me from house c) I said at the beginning of relationship that I was worried about moving in and getting too attached as was scared that if we ever broke up I would never see her again and I’ve had a lot of childhood trauma so am often scared to get too attached (in case I get abandoned again). I’ve asked him to just have a break for a month and let the dust settle but he said he’s done and easier for all if they just remove everything of mine from house.
I am so heart broken. Any advice?

I think never having to see him again is a good thing even if you have a hard four months.

I do feel sorry for his daughter though (and you for having such an abrupt end when you've cared for her).

Is there any way you can contact her? Send her a card letter, message just to say how much you have enjoyed having her in your life and that whatever has happened between you and her dad you will always care for her and can be there in the future when it's appropriate. That way she's not left thinking you've abandoned her.

Realistically I doubt you'll be able to keep up much of a relationship but it would be good to tell her it mattered and you are sad about what's happened.

OP someone constantly throwing you out of a shared house when arguing is quite an emotionally abusive behaviour.

that is not good for you or his daughter. It is not sustainable. You cannot go back, what if you had a child? Would he be throwing you out with or without the baby?

youve got your escape. Text the daughter if you want so she know she has someone who cares about her. This is not a good relationship or foundation for marriage. It is doomed to end, better now without marriage or anymore children.

If it is as you described then it is for the best

I realise you’re probably a bit in shock by what has happened, but it’s been a long time coming if he told you to leave 3 times last year. If you have been arguing a lot then he has done the right thing for his daughter. But also for you. Who needs to keep going with an unhappy relationship when there are no children or financial ties.

You don’t need to tell his daughter that she can contact you whenever she wants to. You’ve had a good relationship so she will know that. That conversation right now would put her in an awkward position which would be unkind

Sounds like you had a lucky escape. Why would you want to marry someone with 'anger issues'?

I moved in with a man who had his 2 children live with him full-time, when I was in my early 20s. The house was his (I wasn't on the mortgage or deeds) and we never married (thank God!) and I was the boys 'Step-Mum' for 4 years. Their own Mum walked out and left them all for another man, prior to me meeting my now ex-partner. The relationship ended and I ended up moving 70 miles away, back to my home town and moving in with my parents. On a practical level, it wasn't going to work me living 70 miles away and trying to still see the boys (who were 11 & 9 by then). They also saw their own Mum, and I felt it wasn't fair on them, to throw myself into the mix too. Legally, I had zero rights with regards to access to them, as they weren't biologically my children. I felt it would be harder for me to move forward, if I tried to maintain contact. Those boys are now grown men, with families of their own, and we reconnected when they were adults. We keep in touch but have never met up again. I'd be happy to, but have always maintained that it was always their choice to make. Unfortunately, if your ex doesn't want you to have contact with his daughter, you can't force that issue. If you're able to speak to her, then let her know that your door is always open in the future, should she want it and that you still love her. You then have no choice but to walk away.

I disagree about the daughter. She’s 13. She won’t know and she’s likely to feel like she’s been abandoned by someone who was a mum figure to her for a significant part of her life. Sending a message to her telling her that she wished she’d said goodbye and will always care for her will mean a hell of a lot. Children, especially children of narcissists, tend to blame themselves for these sorts of things. Contacting her will provide some comfort that this wasn’t her fault. Poor girl.

He sounds revolting.

i wouldn’t be surprised if he already has someone else lined up to do all his donkey work or will come crawling back when he realises he’s useless. Run for the hills.

There’s nothing to mourn here, except maybe the child. This man is an abusive cunt. You will see that in time. He’s done you a favour. Do not plead for this man anymore. He’s scum.

Having just been through a breakup, I'm a man, cheated on by my partner, I really feel your pain, and yes, of course you connect to the child as well, I did.
At 12 weeks into this myself, here's a bit of my homespun wisdom.

1/. You cannot control other people, he decided to do this, if it came more or less out of the blue, or even if it built - the relationship wasn't working, and would have faltered eventually.

2/. A clean NC break is very painful, feels awkward etc. but is acknowledged to be the most effective method of disconnecting.

3/. However much of a bond you formed with the child, you have to accept they come together, the child is not yours, not old enough to decide to stay in touch, and outside of your control - you must let both go, that is double the pain.

It WILL get better, there ARE great times and happiness ahead, but the coming 6 months or so will be a bit shit, concentrate on yourself, moving back to your place etc, keep NC, no socials etc. move on.

Take care!

You need to walk away and NEVER go back. This sounds like a power and control thing. This is not love.

He throw you out 3 times last year. Its bloody January and he's throw you out again already. With him, you no home and no security. You are walking on eggshells so as not to displease him. His poor daughter is witnessing this shit show.

The "you work to much and he no family time" is an argument designed so you reduce your working hours and your income giving him further control of you.

He is an angry and abusive man. He's given you an out. Don't let your love of his daughter keep you with him. If she wants contact she will find you when she's older and away from him.

It sounds like he is a nasty piece of work and you dodged a bullet.

You are in an Environment with lots of arguments this isn't healthy for either of you or the daughter. It's sounds like he checked out a while ago. This isn't a relationship he wants. There is nothing you can do about this and probably a clean break Is far healthier for all of you.
You can use your rent from your house to get a longer term air BnB . Be proactive it'll make you feel better

Do not contact him again

Legally wrong, I’m afraid. She has the legal status of a lodger which means he can kick her out at will.

More likely he won’t bother - he doesn’t need a nanny / housekeeper with a (female) 13 year old he can leave on her own and expect to do the cleaning and it’s less hassle to have a non live-in sex partner (and he will probably use the trauma of the OP ‘leaving’ to rule out living with a woman in the future).

I’ve read all of OPs posts and can’t see where she said he is a narcissist. He wasn’t happy in the relationship so ended it. OP had moved into his home and he asked her to leave. Posters are advised to do exactly these things on almost a daily basis here.

Nothing suggests he will not reassure his daughter that it was not her fault that the relationship failed and there is no reason to disbelieve that the daughter also no longer wants to see OP. I think it is highly likely she will side with her father rather than his girlfriend even if she has known the gf for 5 years. At 13 a child of divorced parents can choose not to see a parent, so I should think the same would apply to “Dad’s girlfriend.”

OP said she was wary of moving in with them for fear of exactly what has happened. No matter how close a person gets to someone else’s child they will never be on an equal footing to the actual parent. It’s in her interest to move on, take some time away from relationships and then hopefully meet someone without children who she can start her own family with

Thank you.

i know it’s for the best and this has definitely shown me I need to go back to therapy and deal with why I allowed him to treat me like this for so long in the first place. I am sure I was in some sort of trauma bond too.

i am dreading the next few months but I will go NC. Luckily I have a good job and am financially independent.

I can send the daughter a what’s app (I really feel in shock at the minute) just saying I want you to know this isn’t your fault and if you ever want to please reach out, but I also feel right now he will not allow her to.

thank you to everyone that responded, I really appreciate it. I was so confident with my own home, successful career, when I met him and have somehow lost myself to him and slowly broken down.

Text the daughter and say you're still happy to spend time with her. She's 13, you can have an independent relationship with her.

I'd also worry that she is now expected to do all the cooking and cleaning. Maybe contact her school so they can keep an eye on her.

He is no loss. What a horror he is. You have been putting up with far too much for far too long.

This 💯
You have had a lucky escape.

@Lurkingandlearning No the OP hasn't said he is a narcissist but it is evident he is a domestic abuser and the two often go hand in hand. You seem to be making excuses for his actions.

This. Either there'll be some other poor mug waiting to do his bidding, or he'll come running back to OP when he realises he has to do it all himself.

This is the problem with step-parenting (I am one for context). You get repeatedly told YOU MUST love and treat them like your own or else you're a truly horrible person but when a relationship ends, you have zero right to retain a relationship with them.

There is good science behind going NC, love causes us to get dopamine hits, in effect it is a drug, but its one best stopped cold turkey - for a few weeks, 6 for me, you really crave it, you want that text, that communication, your body is going through a withdrawal from the dopamine, hence it can feel physically bad.

But just as with other drugs, it fades, the craving fades, the days get brighter. After a while, about 10 weeks for me, we don't want that particular drug any more, as our brain associates it with the pain of withdrawal - that doesn't mean we don't still feel the sadness and hurt, but we no longer have the overwhelming desire to backtrack, we acknowledge its a goner, and see forward and away as the only way ahead.

I think what you have done with the daughter is fine, leave it there, if at some future time she reaches out, fair enough (but don't wait for that or wonder about it), if not, best la vie.

What a horrible situation. For you personally OP, as hard as it is to hear, it sounds like you are better off without this prince of a man.

For your SD not so much. Can you make sure school are aware of the situation and speak with the safeguarding lead about his anger issues?