Fiancé broke up with me & thrown me out of house & said I can’t see step daughter again

[Louisaella]

Hi

just seeking some advice. My fiance ended our engagement & 5 year relationship last week - after a build up of a few months of arguments. His daughter (13) lives with us full time so I have been her mum (step mum) the past 5 years. When I went to collect some of my belongings today, as I live with them, he had removed all traces of me from the house, all my belongings and photos of us, and said him and his daughter did not want to see me anymore. I also have nowhere to live (other than friends sofa) for another 4 months as my property is rented out! I am so heart broken - various reasons. A) I have built a strong relationship with her and feel like I’m not just grieving him but also her. B) I feel so sad that he has just discarded me and removed all traces of me from house c) I said at the beginning of relationship that I was worried about moving in and getting too attached as was scared that if we ever broke up I would never see her again and I’ve had a lot of childhood trauma so am often scared to get too attached (in case I get abandoned again). I’ve asked him to just have a break for a month and let the dust settle but he said he’s done and easier for all if they just remove everything of mine from house.
I am so heart broken. Any advice?

Why would you want to continue to tread on eggshells.
it doesn’t sound like you would voluntarily make this break, despite it being one that was needed.
im sorry he has been brutally clear.
but you deserve to not be treading on eggshells.

the next phase of life begins now.

you have 4 months to deal with.
make a plan for that.
do you have the means to take a holiday for some of it? go and do something adventurous to blow the cobwebs away .
can you be a short term lodger?

and be thankful you have a home for return to after that, and you can start a fresh .

Don't contact the child yet!!!! Let the dust settle. In a month or two send her a light what's app , happy birthday message etc

She does say he’s a narcissist in one of her posts. And there is nothing to say he will reassure her - he has removed all trace from the home of the OP. Of course he won’t be supportive. This girl has lived full time with the op for five years - of course she will have a bond and of course it will affect her that the OP just disappears and she may well blame herself. Especially when her other parent is abusive. I think people often ascribe adult emotions to children in these circumstances and think kids don’t give a shit about people who aren’t blood related. That’s far from the truth.

Yes.

The four horrible months you're going to spend on that sofa while you wait for your place to be available to live in again will be terrible. You can't avoid that.

However when you move into your own place again, you will be in a situation where you can start over. Ultimately the most dignified thing you can do is say nothing further, respect his wishes and go no contact. It is heartbreaking, but honestly this is better than having married the guy and had his child before he started behaving like this.

It probably seems insurmountable right now, and trust me i've been in a similar situation, but it isn't. Your life is starting. You don't know it yet, but it is.

@Lurkingandlearning this is where the OP says the ex is a narcissist. I didn’t just pluck it from thin air. Kids raised by these sorts of parents will very often internalise feelings and will blame themselves. Having a non-narc influence in her life will have been a big thing for this girl and helped her feel safe. This person suddenly one day not being there and there being no closure is a big deal. The OP should try to reach out.

Come on. If you are regularly walking on eggshells and he tried to throw you out three times last year it is time to move on. He clearly doesn't see it as 'our' family unit, never has done. Its him and his daughter, then you. Don't settle for this BS. Cut ties. Move on.

How long were you together when you moved in? If you had said to him you wanted to have a relationship without living together how would he have reacted?

this is not a happy or healthy relationship for you. Believe it or not, this guy has done you a MASSIVE favour. He's giving the Off Ramp from what would bo a deeply destructive relationship. Take that exit and you wont regret it. sure it hurts now, but he will destroy you if you stay with him

For future, you find a man with aggressive outbursts who even threatens to throws you out? you BIN HIM, there and then, on the spot. He doesn't get to have you crawl back only to do it to you again.

Find your anger - how DARE he treat you like this?

@Louisaella This relationship is doomed, it won't work and shouldn't be forced to work either.

How on earth is ending a relationship and asking your ex to move out of your home domestic abuse?

OP I was just coming on to say similar
You are much better away from someone like that.
You should really look at why you are putting up with his shitty misogynistic behaviour and practically begging to go back for more? You deserve better. He's done you a a favour.

For goodness sake if you wish to lurk and learn, READ. There is such a thing as a stupid question.

You’re right I had forgotten OP felt the he might be a narcissist. Probably because almost every person who displeases some MN is a narcissist. Overuse rendering it meaningless.

But what she described in the paragraph you quoted was about her finding how he chose to end the relationship unacceptable.

Another thing you will read on here again and again is that people can end a relationship for any reason.

They’d been arguing for months. If a woman posted here to say she’d been arguing with her boyfriend in her daughter’s home everyone would be jumping all over her for allowing the boyfriend to stay, especially if the boyfriend was not the child’s father.

Deciding you no longer want to be with a girl /boyfriend, ending the relationship and telling them to move out of your home is not abuse.

Children are not all affected the same way by events. His daughter is just as likely to be one of those children who want their parent to themselves than to be pining over the woman who often argued with her dad. It wouldn’t be a case of OP suddenly not being there, a 13 year old knows what arguments are and that people split up. It might be a case of a 13 year thinking thank fuck that’s over and the shouting has stopped. I don’t know, you don’t know and nor does OP because she isn’t there anymore.

Not your fault. He is an abuser.

Sounds like this break up is the best thing for you. As brutal as it is, take the clean break and run. This is no way to live OP, especially with trauma

You can't see it yet OP, but he has done you a huge favour. Thank god you weren't married and have bio kids with him.

You know very well if the roles had been reversed no one would have been telling OP that she shouldn’t have ended a relationship with someone she’d been arguing with for months in her daughter’s home. No one would’ve said she shouldn’t have told him to move out and no one would’ve been saying the ex boyfriend, who was not the child’s father, was entitled to continue a relationship with the child whether she wanted one or not.

The hypocrisy shows a lack of intelligence. It’s almost caveman logic - woman good man bad (while grooming and eating ticks)

Well done for keeping your house and your job going. He has used you and then made out your slaving away is ‘family time’. I’m sorry you were close to his daughter - I can’t see any way you can see her without his approval.

Actually, no I bloody don't.

It isn't a simple case of "ending a relationship" with someone. The guy has thrown her out several times and she's been walking on eggshells around him.

I think most people would agree that even if a man posted (which they sometimes do) this stuff, the support would be exactly the same. I've seen it quite a few times on mumsnet, but this is MUMSnet.

The issue is the behaviour, not the gender. The person making it about gender is you.

The only caveman here is you also. You're a class A example of the kind of person who shames victims of domestic violence a) because you're ignorant and b) Because YoUr So SmArT iT wOuLd NeVeR hApPeN tO YoU.

For anyone who has been in a domstic abuse situation, or with a narcissist, people like you are generally sickening and I don't know why you actually bother commenting. Change you're username to lurkingandignorant when you get a second please.

Oh please. It’s not the same, knock it off with the whataboutery……

I honestly hate people like this.

Sounds like you are better off without him.

Did you mean to be so rude?😅

I did wonder if you are projecting. Start your own thread for your issues.

OP seems shocked by the finality of the relationship being over and that he’s coldly ended on his terms.

All these posts telling her what an awful man he is simultaneously criticises her judgement. She was with him for 5 years. She probably knows him better than you do.

And your assumptions about me are wrong. Assumptions often are, especially when made by people who think they are way cleverer than they actually are. No doubt you have more bollocks that you want to spout, but you’re boring me now so I won’t read any more of your nonsense

Absolutely.
Bore off.

Why would you let a man throw you out not once but multiple times and still beg for another chance. Or is he not as bad as you are saying, complaining you are 'working too much' I wonder what his side of the story would be. Everyone here have their pitchforks ready but why would you cling onto him so desperately if he was abusive?