Should I pull out of house purchase?

[NoisyTealFinch]

my partner and I are buying a new build house together and we are due to exchange and complete in a couple of weeks time.

we have had a lot of life changes over the last few years and his behaviour towards me and attitude has been horrible at times.

big issues in our relationship that I have been discussing in therapy:

1. Our baby was a happy surprise - when we found out he wanted me to get a termination because his life was ruined / not going in the direction he wanted it as he wanted to compete at a national level in a sport (he was 30 at the time, we owned our own house, we had been together 8 years, and he had said the whole of that time he wanted a family)
2. We went on a babymoon together for a few nights and he barely spoke a single word to me the whole time. When pressed why he reconfirms reasons above.
3. Have baby in hospital and he spends whole time looking devastated
4. few days after baby comes home he tells me he now knows he never wanted children
5. He had always hated his job and an opportunity came up to start a new business with my family (who I think are worried about me). We move counties and are living in a home owned by family (on our own) for free. He hates it because it isn’t our own space. Lots of issues with him wanting full control of business and my family not thinking he’s ready or doing the right thing. He starts to resent my parents, especially my mum.
6. Lots of arguments over the next few years about how bad his life is because of ‘decisions I made’
7. he loves our child with all his heart and really is a good dad and a great person when he’s not got a bee in his bonnet
8. Last May he got really angry (swearing shouting storming around in front of child) because my parents wouldn’t babysit for 3 nights (they could only do two nights) when we went to his friends wedding.
9. long story short I have agreed to buy a house near by with him so we are in a new space away from my family (but only 15 mins drive, whereas we are currently neighbours). I thought he had stopped all this behaviour but he got a bit weird before Christmas about a deed of trust (as I am putting more money in than him).
10. after Christmas he kicked off about how he wanted to buy a £25k sports car and ‘my choices’ were limiting his (because he had agreed together not to pull equity out of our old house sale) and that I ‘should have known that he wanted to pull money out of the house’ and he only agreed not to in a ‘moment of weakness’ I have been to therapy recently so I can see that he has been gaslighting me for the last few years.

basically I there’s loads more than that but that’s a summary. I don’t want to split our family up and he is very nice and caring most of the time and a very good dad. His mum is exactly the same as he is which makes me worry he won’t ever change.

since the last argument about the sports car I told him he was gaslighting me and he said he felt awful and we’ve had lots of serious conversations about ending the relationship but I feel such a pull to him still. He said he told his dad all his horrible behaviour and he’s going to therapy.

I confided in my parents and they said they worry he’s controlling. When very recently told my friends what’s been happening they say it’s unacceptable.

we have a house purchase date looming and we are going to centre Parcs for a week next week.

i just wanted to know if anyone else has had this experience where someone has genuinely changed? Just clinging on to a hope but I also think the writing is on the wall with it. He’s being SO nice since the last argument.

I say this with kindness. He won’t change, and you know he won’t.

it sounds like you have a wonderful, supportive family who want the best for you. Please put yourself and your child first and leave. I promise you won’t regret it.

Some of the things you have written for me would be unforgivable. Just think how easier & simpler your life would be without him. Your child needs to be protected from his batshit behaviour

I agree with PP. he’s not a good father because he doesn’t treat the mother of his child with respect. It sounds like you’ve been proactive in trying to create the best conditions for family success you can and he’s just been a passenger, dragging you back, blaming you, not taking equal responsibility for joint decisions.

You will be SO much better off without him.

Women in poor relationships write the good dad comment as you have done when they can really think of nothing else positive to write about their man. He us neither a decent dad or partner to you because he treats you with such disdain.

pull out of the holiday, property and thus dysfunctional relationship
before you and your child are further dragged down with him.

Can you afford the house on your own?

Seems silly to go in on it together when your relationship is like this.

You know in your heart of hearts what the right thing to do is. It's not easy but this man is dragging you down. Hopefully he will be a decent co-parent but he is not a good partner.

Let any and all residual hope go that he wil change. You know he will not and you also write his mother is the same. She’s been a big influence on him over the years.

Get therapy for yourself and be tired of being the last person who matters.

Do not buy the house with him. Confide further in your parents. They have your best interests at heart. He only has his own. Will you family still want him in the business if you split?

I would pull out of this house purchase if you cannot afford it on your own, and wait to see what changes your partner makes as he goes through therapy (which you should see as a positive move on his part). Don't listen to the 'he won't change' brigade - he may do, if he wants to enough and if he gets the help he needs. Good luck.

Thanks everyone. You’re right I think I do know in my heart the right decision.

it’s hard because the other night we put all cards on the table and he has a whole list of things that he has issues with and how my family have supposedly treated him over the last few years.

he says I’m always happier with them and that he’s felt isolated since moving as we are so close.

he’s also said some really horrible stuff about my parents to his family (I heard him on the phone) which I just completely disagree with.

its hard as he’s really clever and is very good at spinning everything so that he is the victim. But equally he’s done years and years of therapy so is very good at ‘therapy speak’.

I just have no basis to trust that this time is any different.

He’s not really clever, just very manipulative.
Some abusive men do get sent on respect courses and the like but these can also teach them how to further abuse their target covertly.

Keep confiding in your parents and use their support to get away from Mr Wrong.

Pull out of the house purchase. End the relationship. If the only thing going for him is that he is a good dad then he can do that on his time with the kids and you will have your independence.

This morning I can tell he’s grumpy about something. I asked him to get out two year old and he did but then turned over and just went straight back to sleep and ignored us for the last hour or so. Last night I went to my girlfriends for Chinese and told them everything - which I think he suspects which is why he’s acting off this morning.

I feel like I should casually tell him I was talking about it with them. He will be pissed off but then surely I’m not in the wrong for confiding in friends and telling them the truth.

Don't tell him what you discussed last night. Keep your own counsel. Speak to your family and leave (from someone who didn't)

Pull out of the house sale.

Give him any money he is owed from previous house. Get thus done legally with solicitor help.

Tell him to find his own housing, huy a sports car, become an athlete or whatever.

What he should stop doing is riding your family's coat tails and be a cock about it.

Listen to your family and friends OP they are all telling you the same thing.

He has only agreed to therapy because he xan feel his meal ticket might be about to be pulled from under him.

He's an ungrateful, selfish, controlling wanker.

You still have a chance to not ruin your life.

Back out of this with dignity, get away and watch from afar how his life goes. It will be shit and you will be relieved.

You know in reality the issues and that he won’t change..hence asking here for confirmation. The bottom line is he won’t and you are just delaying the inevitable. The question for you is how long you delay it. He might speed it up for you as his resentment is clearly building

You only want to tell him to piss him off. Which isn't the right reason. Keep your talks with your friends private. It will do his head in more and give him less ammo to throw at you " you telling everyone our business" type attacks.

You would be better off telling him you are no longer going to accept this sulking silent treatment. Not can't, or shouldn't accept it, but won't. It's time you tried living apart at the very least. Tell him that.

He's a shit dad. Don't move in with him.

I mean buy a house with him.

Oh I’d just pull out. No wonder your family are worried about you.

He can go and buy a sports car to go with his high level sport then without your decisions holding him back.

Thank you everyone I really appreciate it. I do know in my heart what the right decision is.

Worried about how to bring it up etc. as he thinks things are resolved for now.

I think he thinks I’ll never leave

If the years of therapy he's already had haven't made a difference, then don't expect the current sessions to suddenly change him.

I wouldn't say anything about last night's chats with the girlfriends, it'll just make him angrier. I would however pull out of the house purchase and reconsider this relationship. Life is just too short to not live as happy a life as possible. Will your parents allow you to continue living rent free next to them if he leaves?

Of course you can talk to your friends. Why would you tell him though? Are you not sure how he will react and need to check?
give yourself a break.

Could not say it better myself.

@NoisyTealFinch I would not tell him what you discussed with anyone as it just gives him reason to carry on being an arse.

Stay where you are and let him go on his merry way.

Just get everything sorted legally so he cannot spin things to suit his own narrative.