Should I pull out of house purchase?

[NoisyTealFinch]

my partner and I are buying a new build house together and we are due to exchange and complete in a couple of weeks time.

we have had a lot of life changes over the last few years and his behaviour towards me and attitude has been horrible at times.

big issues in our relationship that I have been discussing in therapy:

1. Our baby was a happy surprise - when we found out he wanted me to get a termination because his life was ruined / not going in the direction he wanted it as he wanted to compete at a national level in a sport (he was 30 at the time, we owned our own house, we had been together 8 years, and he had said the whole of that time he wanted a family)
2. We went on a babymoon together for a few nights and he barely spoke a single word to me the whole time. When pressed why he reconfirms reasons above.
3. Have baby in hospital and he spends whole time looking devastated
4. few days after baby comes home he tells me he now knows he never wanted children
5. He had always hated his job and an opportunity came up to start a new business with my family (who I think are worried about me). We move counties and are living in a home owned by family (on our own) for free. He hates it because it isn’t our own space. Lots of issues with him wanting full control of business and my family not thinking he’s ready or doing the right thing. He starts to resent my parents, especially my mum.
6. Lots of arguments over the next few years about how bad his life is because of ‘decisions I made’
7. he loves our child with all his heart and really is a good dad and a great person when he’s not got a bee in his bonnet
8. Last May he got really angry (swearing shouting storming around in front of child) because my parents wouldn’t babysit for 3 nights (they could only do two nights) when we went to his friends wedding.
9. long story short I have agreed to buy a house near by with him so we are in a new space away from my family (but only 15 mins drive, whereas we are currently neighbours). I thought he had stopped all this behaviour but he got a bit weird before Christmas about a deed of trust (as I am putting more money in than him).
10. after Christmas he kicked off about how he wanted to buy a £25k sports car and ‘my choices’ were limiting his (because he had agreed together not to pull equity out of our old house sale) and that I ‘should have known that he wanted to pull money out of the house’ and he only agreed not to in a ‘moment of weakness’ I have been to therapy recently so I can see that he has been gaslighting me for the last few years.

basically I there’s loads more than that but that’s a summary. I don’t want to split our family up and he is very nice and caring most of the time and a very good dad. His mum is exactly the same as he is which makes me worry he won’t ever change.

since the last argument about the sports car I told him he was gaslighting me and he said he felt awful and we’ve had lots of serious conversations about ending the relationship but I feel such a pull to him still. He said he told his dad all his horrible behaviour and he’s going to therapy.

I confided in my parents and they said they worry he’s controlling. When very recently told my friends what’s been happening they say it’s unacceptable.

we have a house purchase date looming and we are going to centre Parcs for a week next week.

i just wanted to know if anyone else has had this experience where someone has genuinely changed? Just clinging on to a hope but I also think the writing is on the wall with it. He’s being SO nice since the last argument.

I'm sorry to hear this I hope you are ok.
I would start by reading all of the new build paperwork - as pp said with new builds there may be cost implications of pulling out at this stage. Find out all the info and make a plan. If it doesn't feel right go with your gut.

Op please don't go through with the house buy because in the short term it's 'easier' than the conflict that's going to happen.

I think you have a family that will step in to help you. You need to a team of friends and family and make a plan this coming week. Get him out. Split the equity. Offer a parenting agreement.

He's going to go down the route of full custody...don't be scared you know he's bluffing and he won't get very far.

I am 28 and he is 33!

Thanks all. The house is already sold and the solicitors have hold of the money at the moment.

I think you know what the answer is. You’re in an ideal situation, have secure housing for you and your child, no financial ties, and he can’t claim he can’t afford to move out. This relationship really doesn’t sound like it’s working. Take back the house deposit, pull out of the purchase, give him notice to leave, and take some time to decide where you want to live.

He’s never going to change, if anything it will get worse

Dont buy the property and look long and hard at the relationship, do you still want to be doing this 3,5,10 years down the line?

Now is the chance to split and you build your own life

Back out, do it immediately and leave.

Is there someone independent you can get some advice from? You may lose some of the solicitor fees and make sure you know exactly what the new build paperwork says - there are often other dates/requirements/terms in there.
You have to do what's right for you - make sure you have all the necessary paperwork
and info.

Sorry, read thread again. Tell him he has to leave the property. You might want to go and stay with parents and give him a deadline. Your parents need to get legal advice on getting him out of the business - restructure abd redundancy likely best option.

He no longer works for the family business. If you press ‘see all’ on the OP, you can read all her updates before posting.

Honestly you don't need to ask the question. In your heart you know the answer and you know what will happen if you do go ahead. It has disaster written all over it, and you don't need us to tell you that.

The difficult bit is finding the courage and support to do what you need to do. Not make the decision.

Don’t give him a deadline to leave. He has no legal right to be in your parents’ house and will only make life very unpleasant for you and your child. As soon as he leaves the house, change the locks. Get someone to take your child to a different house for a day or so. Pack up all his things and have a couple of suitcases of essentials and put them on the doorstep for when he comes back but don’t let him cross the threshold. Inform the solicitors you are pulling out of the house purchase. Get on with your life.

I wouldn’t be buying the new house. At least not yet.
if he truly is aware his behaviour is awful and wants to change that, great, but stop the house purchase until he can prove this - let him try therapy etc and show positive changes for a good while before you move.
I can understand feeling uncomfortable if he thinks you’re living off your family but to me it reads more that he just doesn’t want to grow up and be a family man. Having kids can definitely affect a relationship and it’s a big step, it can throw lots of questions in the air about being ready for such a change, but he’s had plenty of time to come to terms with this.

he sounds quite selfish from this post. I was in a 20 year relationship with my ex, he wanted kids I wasn’t overly keen (would never change them for the world now I have them) and despite being a good hands on dad at the start, he definitely changed and became a lot more selfish,everything was left to me, all the childcare, school runs, housework… I still sometimes feel resentful that his life didn’t change, even now, he”’s good with the kids when he sees them, will buy them anything they need, but he doesn’t do any parenting, any of the hard work, and carries on living his best single life the majority of the time.
I feel you may end up in a similar situation as he just doesn’t sound ready or mature enough for this, but he’s should be sucking it up and trying his best, he has a child, a family, and it’s too late for second thoughts.

if he can’t or won’t change, please don’t waste your life with him, I say this in hindsight / with retrospect as I’m annoyed with myself for putting up with shitty behaiour way too long. We have a much happier dynamic just me and my children at home now

End it sounds like like he never wanted to any of this gave it a good go but he’s swimming against the tide
stop now before resentment kicks in

sometimes things don’t work sounds like he feels trapped by circumstance this will never change your flogging a dead horse

my cousin and his partner were horrendous as a team they’ve gone there separate ways
you couldn’t meet a couple who get on better
they’ve raise a very successful balance child

He’s not going to change. Had he not already had therapy, I’d suggest that as a last port of call, but he’s had many years of it, and so isn’t going to change. It’s difficult with men like this as they have flashes of ‘good behaviour’, in between the crap, so reel you back in. I think having the house completion so imminent will actually help in this situation as it’s forcing you to make a decision, because I guess if you pull out of the purchase, that will be the end. Otherwise, things may have trundled on as they are,

This is perfect time to end it and you know it. This is him on his best behaviour once you buy another house you will be more stuck and he won't make any effort anymore.

Definitely don't buy the house with him. You are currently in a much better position to separate since you are in your family's property. Buying a house just makes it more complicated.

He did not want kids and resents you. Why are you buying a house with him? Please wake up and protect yourself. As other posters have mentioned, I would pull out of the sale and protect YOUR money.

I hate to sound calculated here, but we women must anchor ourselves to our partner's finances before they feel confident enough to pull stunts like this, i.e. they graciously inform us they no longer love us or blame us for having children. Next, they want to evict us and live a life of struggle with THEIR kids. I have never bought a house with a man and never intend to. It's imperative to have your finances in order should they pull stunts like this.

Thanks all. We had a chat today and he is going back to his parents for a bit. We have called off centre Parcs and I can’t see us proceeding with the house at this point.

there’s lots of tears from him and saying how he’s changed his life and how he has always been trying to do the right thing to make me happy but I just keep thinking if he truly loved me he would never have treated me in that way.

Luckily finances and everything are fine. We have separate accounts and our house has been sold, the solicitors are just sat on the money.

You need to end this unhealthy relationship and give you and your child the chance at a healthier life. If he is truly a good dad he will be so when separated from you but you have been manipulated heavily and you can see that it has nothing taken a big toll in how you describe your own thoughts and actions and especially the warning sign should be how much you didn’t tell you friends and family (if you need to hide something from friends you know it’s unhealthy). It will only get worse and you don’t know if further down the road you will be in as good a situation to split as now - he has a job and money so can’t guilt trip you that you’ve screwed him over, you have your family and a consistent home for your child. Please sort this out now and drop the house purchase.

He has shown you time and time again exactly who he is.

Thisnwill never work. He will blame you for every little thing that goes wrong in his life. Because he isn’t mature enough to own his own destiny.

back out of the house purchase - tell him you want him to have the life he wants - on his own. You will be happier.

In all the kindness I can muster ...pull the plug. Do not continue this relationship and do not move forward with the new house.

Wonderful!

Despite their behaviour, they always tear up and portray that they have our best interests at heart. He did not love you enough to treat you better or give you the life you deserve. It hurts, but it's best to realise his faults before investing further into him.