Should I pull out of house purchase?

[NoisyTealFinch]

my partner and I are buying a new build house together and we are due to exchange and complete in a couple of weeks time.

we have had a lot of life changes over the last few years and his behaviour towards me and attitude has been horrible at times.

big issues in our relationship that I have been discussing in therapy:

1. Our baby was a happy surprise - when we found out he wanted me to get a termination because his life was ruined / not going in the direction he wanted it as he wanted to compete at a national level in a sport (he was 30 at the time, we owned our own house, we had been together 8 years, and he had said the whole of that time he wanted a family)
2. We went on a babymoon together for a few nights and he barely spoke a single word to me the whole time. When pressed why he reconfirms reasons above.
3. Have baby in hospital and he spends whole time looking devastated
4. few days after baby comes home he tells me he now knows he never wanted children
5. He had always hated his job and an opportunity came up to start a new business with my family (who I think are worried about me). We move counties and are living in a home owned by family (on our own) for free. He hates it because it isn’t our own space. Lots of issues with him wanting full control of business and my family not thinking he’s ready or doing the right thing. He starts to resent my parents, especially my mum.
6. Lots of arguments over the next few years about how bad his life is because of ‘decisions I made’
7. he loves our child with all his heart and really is a good dad and a great person when he’s not got a bee in his bonnet
8. Last May he got really angry (swearing shouting storming around in front of child) because my parents wouldn’t babysit for 3 nights (they could only do two nights) when we went to his friends wedding.
9. long story short I have agreed to buy a house near by with him so we are in a new space away from my family (but only 15 mins drive, whereas we are currently neighbours). I thought he had stopped all this behaviour but he got a bit weird before Christmas about a deed of trust (as I am putting more money in than him).
10. after Christmas he kicked off about how he wanted to buy a £25k sports car and ‘my choices’ were limiting his (because he had agreed together not to pull equity out of our old house sale) and that I ‘should have known that he wanted to pull money out of the house’ and he only agreed not to in a ‘moment of weakness’ I have been to therapy recently so I can see that he has been gaslighting me for the last few years.

basically I there’s loads more than that but that’s a summary. I don’t want to split our family up and he is very nice and caring most of the time and a very good dad. His mum is exactly the same as he is which makes me worry he won’t ever change.

since the last argument about the sports car I told him he was gaslighting me and he said he felt awful and we’ve had lots of serious conversations about ending the relationship but I feel such a pull to him still. He said he told his dad all his horrible behaviour and he’s going to therapy.

I confided in my parents and they said they worry he’s controlling. When very recently told my friends what’s been happening they say it’s unacceptable.

we have a house purchase date looming and we are going to centre Parcs for a week next week.

i just wanted to know if anyone else has had this experience where someone has genuinely changed? Just clinging on to a hope but I also think the writing is on the wall with it. He’s being SO nice since the last argument.

Your situation is almost identical to my friends, you definitely aren't alone. Her now exh worked in her family business, living in a house owned by her family etc and struggled saying he wanted their own house etc etc then within months of moving he had an affair and she kicked him out. Thankfully the courts saw through all his protestations that he should have 50/50 etc (her family had given them 50% of the cost up front, rest was mortgaged, as it was under a year the judge gave him nothing from house equity saying any small rise would be swallowed by the costs of sorting out the land registry etc which she had to pay for.

Don't buy, it's going one way

They never change OP. He is abusive and always will be.

Currently you are in a good position to make the split straightforward. You get a legal agreement that specifies how equity from the property you sold is divided drawn up and off he goes to spend his portion on a sports car. Presumably you can stay at least temporarily in your parents’ property whilst you get yourself back on your feet? What is his status in the business - is he employed or does he own some of it?
Don’t entangle yourself further by buying a house.

Oh my goodness that is nearly identical 😳 your poor friend.

Luckily we aren’t married and had a deed of trust on the house that we have just sold so we will get out our initial deposits and will split the uplift 50/50.

he’s not working for the family business anymore (thank god!!) but that’s another bone of contention as he left the business in unitary 2024 and took 6 months to find a new job. All while not doing any work for our family business but expecting to be paid by us. Shocking really when it’s written down.

I could continue to live in the current house rent free thank goodness.

@NoisyTealFinch once you are tied up with houses, it gets very complicated. Id keep the family close and back out of the purchase. I say this as someone who had an abusive ex.

The first thing is to pull out of the house purchase, OP. Focus on that for now. You don’t even need his agreement. Get hold of the solicitor and also put it in writing that you are pulling out. There may be some costs to pay . Then talk to your partner, with support if necessary.

I would get everything ready first, before you say anything to him. Collect your important documents- passports and birth certificates for you and dc, bank details, mortgage information etc. anything you really value personally (objects, jewellery, toys). Get that stuff safe to your parents or somewhere. Then think about your script for telling him.

Good luck. You will have to be really strong because as a manipulator he will try every trick he has to prevent you from leaving. Grey rock method.

I, like you, am close to my parents. I couldn't be with someone who openly disrespected them, especially to their own parents. And especially when they've given opportunities like a house and role in the business.

With kindness, I feel he is just making your life so much harder. You don't really want to move to the new build, you're just accommodating him.

He doesn't even like you OP.
You deserve so much better than this poor excuse for a partner.

If you decide to leave him, just know you don't need to discuss everything with him. You don't have to have a fight, argument or even a discussion. You can simply kick him out or leave and you don't have your defend yourself to him.

It can be very important to remember this.

Thank you everyone x

You just never think you’ll be in this position do you!

You lovely OP
Boyfriend not !
Listen to your parents who also sound supportive and lovely. This man is not worth your time.
Escape this awful excuse of a relationship with your beautiful child .
This man will never know what he wants , will also blame you and your child , every thing else but himself. He can only put his own unreasonable desires first.
A terrible example for your child.
Well done for talking to people and admitting to yourself and others what he’s really like.

You’ve had some good advice, you’ve a Good family support and good friends lean on them and break free of this house purchase and this awful man

"good dad".

You are in such a good position to end the relationship right now. You have a secure home and you've almost sold the property you share together. If you tell him to leave and pull out of the purchase will he sabotage the sale of your old property or will he want to take his money and go? Will he leave willingly or make a fuss?

@NoisyTealFinch the best thing you could ever do for you and your child is to split right now. do not buy a house. do not let him take over your parents business, if necessary, sell it as a going concern. I can foresee you splitting up and him getting half the business and half the house! he is more likely after your money now. he is too immature. the only direction is life is going is down the tubes!

On a practical note, sorry if someone else has raised this, new builds tend not to initially hold their value, in most areas you need a good 5 years to ride the market out. If you decide next year you can’t cope any more with his awful behaviour, you’ll struggle to recoup the price you paid for it. You have a supportive family and friends but I think having financial stability will also be important and that’s going to be easier if you don’t proceed with the sale.

(he sounds terrible btw!)

Thank goodness you're not married! This will be emotionally hard to do but think how he's treated you, your child and your family. Please don't let it continue.

Speak to a lawyer and sort out giving him the money from the equity then change the locks. Good luck - I have a feeling your life will be on the up immediately after that and you'll start to feel better very soon!

You say you're worried about brininging it up? Present him with a cheque for his half of the previous house equity and deposit for new house, and say he needs to leave.
Your family sound very supportive, and as they live next door, I'm sure they will help you moving forward.
Please do not buy a house with this man thinking this will be the thing that changes him and makes him a better person - it won't. As you've seen, once you've helped sort one problem for him, another one comes along that makes him upset/angry - none of which seems to be his fault.

The very last thing you should do is buy another house with him. Keep your powder dry until you’ve talked to your parents and got all your paperwork. Then chuck him out.

I wonder how old you both are, OP?

His desire to go and compete at a world level of sport still makes him sound very young still. Whereas his desire for a sports car makes him sound much older.

He’s a fantasist either way. Perhaps if he is young he can wise up. Not sure there is any saving an older fantasist.

Well done for seeing sense, OP. You’re in such a great position versus the majority of women in your situation - a rent-free home close to your loving and supportive family, plus the money from your house sale.

If you ever doubt yourself, read everything you’ve written again and ask yourself why you’d even consider giving that up for a life treading on eggshells with an embittered, self-absorbed manchild who hates your family and, by extension, doesn’t seem to like you very much either. He’s convinced himself - contrary to reality - that all his problems are your fault; that you’ve somehow trapped him and ruined his dreams. He’s deeply entrenched in his ridiculous victim narrative, and that will never change, no matter what you do or where you live.

It’s difficult and emotionally draining to let go of a long term relationship, but it’s a hell of a lot more difficult and emotionally draining to live with someone this petty, resentful and incapable of taking responsibility for his own choices. You must be exhausted.

Your life will be so much freer, happier and more relaxed without him in it. Stay in your home and tell him to mind the door doesn’t bang his arse on the way out.

Op I bought a home with a similar creature 17 years ago and dreadfully regret it.15 years it took of him wearing me down and creating a horrid environment for my children before I finally got rid and he ruined my life. If I'd got out with 1dd at your stage my life would have been completely different and I really wish I had! (With the exception I have dd2 whom I wouldn't trade now but I wouldn't have known any different) Please go off on your own and see that a peaceful life awaits you and dc. It will be so good 🕊️

OP you are still living in your parents property. Pack his things while he’s out and leave them on the doorstep. You won’t have to tell him anything, he will get the message. Also get your parents to change the locks so he can’t get back in. What a truly horrible man, free yourself of him.